frankomon-blog

[frankomon-blog]

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I did it. I asked her out. Took me 8 years to finally grow a pair and she just said no. I wish i did this earlier so i could give myself the answer. God it hurts so much to face the reality of just exactly how much of human garbage you really are. Im tired. Fuck. I wanted to just prove to myself that i could do it. That im wanted by the people who i want to be with. Holy shit this is gonna be so hard.

[frankomon-blog]

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called the hotline. her name was abbey. lmao. that was fun to dive into. im gonna go throw up now. i should stop drinking all togetheri  think i have some kind of stomach problem with it. but im not gonnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa agotta drown your sorrows osmehow !!!

[frankomon-blog]

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Dec 12, 2019: Starting this at 11:50 pm

im done with finals. keeps good to be relieved by the academics, but i still feel awful. finally found the source of it. its watching everyone else be happy with their lives and i guess being with other people in the sense of romantics and sex or whatever. I can’t do that, i wish i could. i wish i could have that sense of just pure bliss again laying next to someone, or even just trying and succeeding. sucks when you know before you even try that you’re gonna fail. i thought on the walk home about popping way to many melatonin just so i could fall asleep tonight. maybe i want to die. i dont know. thank god that no one reads this account. i thought about posting here when im down just so i can let my thoughts out and read them. i was listening to that dear winter song by AJR and it hits hard. i want to have my son with my name, but honestly with my track record of girls im probably gonna die alone. they talk about wanting to find the future son’s mother, but who knows whats gonna happen. thats gonna really suck. i dont know what im going to do if thats true. i think i talked about this in my last thing but depression really is a paradox. i want to believe that other people like me but its so hard, not even in relation to attractiveness but just general. i cant. i cant. 

Its so selfish of me to fantasize about being happy with other people. its not even the sexual or romantic bits that i think about, in reality its the moments where theres nothing else but us two and laying down and just chilling. cuddling. i miss that. [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[

tinder was probably the worst thing for me. it made me realize how unattractive i am. and i definitely will still be if i hold onto this attitude. but how can i just let go? if it was so simple god knows i would have done it years ago when i thought about taking my dads gun and painting the wall red. i dont know. i think thats the theme of my life. i dontk now. all i know is that if this life ends soon then i’ll accept it. i had a dream today that i sacrificed my life for one of my close friends in some stupid school shooter thing or whatever, and i wish i didn’t feel the bliss i did. when the bullets hit. i could feel it, the life fading from me and just fading i guess. i woke up and almost cried. obvs there was other shit, the usual no one likes me stuff.

Why do i want to die so much???????????? I DONT FUCKIG KNOW I WISH I DID AND IT KILLS ME I WISH I WASNT LIVING MY LIFE OR LIVED MY LIFE. im so fucking selfish. 

i tihnk im going to drink some more and call the suicide hotline. 3rd time this year. wonder what took me so long. yeah ill do that.

I prayed the academics was the reason i was depressed. all the stress and all the anxiety would have been gone. its still here. its manifesting hard. i want to go home. i want to go home. i want to go home. i want to go home.

[frankomon-blog]

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I haven’t been on this account in literally years. when i was posting on it last I was in a pretty dark place as a teen, my only friend in grade school died and i was generally feeling pretty alone. i was aware of just how awkward i was and how little friends I had at the time, all of whom didn’t even seem to want to hang out with me. all the people who i eventually would befriend or at least be friendly with would all eventually see who i was and stop talking to me in the long run. Im 20 years old now, in the heat of nursing school, and cant say whether or not that has changed. I can’t think of a time ive ever been more depressed than right now. my apartment is a mess, im living by myself, and the person who i call my best friend and my old roommate is too mentally ill to be around for long periods of time without putting me in a bad mental space. ive had 2 relationships, both of which i ended because why keep putting myself through something I didnt want to be in? they both were good people. but not people i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. i tried. i really did. im so tired of trying. im so tired of putting in the effort to make myself likeable, im so tired of life in general i guess. im too chicken shit to actually kill myself though. the thought of my last big final action being a disappointment is too great of a hinderance. if i die, i want to at least help someone get a better life. if only that person could be me. i also realized how disgusting i look, how im going to die alone etc etc, i could keep this post going on but whats the fucking point anyways? im essentially writing this for myself, no one is gonna read this anyways. at least i hope all the accounts that are following me are dead. 

my name is frank. i try my hardest to be a good person but every time i look in the mirror i see a worthless piece of compost. ive dedicated my life to helping others just so i can feel like im doing good. i want to see jake. i make an effort to be someone people want to be around, but after countless years of bullying and social isolation i think ive officially given up. i dont want to give up. i dont want to give up. its so hard not to give up. my meds are helping my anxiety but i still feel like shit. maybe i’d rather constantly worry rather than constantly hate myself. i just wish it’ll end soon. one way or another. i wish it’ll end.

then again, who wants to be around someone who is like this anyways? my depression only drives people away, the fucking paradox of it all right? ultimately, i understand why other people look at me the way they do, im an objective thinker and i like to think of myself as realistic. So realistically, all the few friends i have now will never talk to me, im already seeing one slip away after so many failed attempts at meeting up initiated on my end. i dont want to give up. but whats the fucking point if i do anyways? 

some days i wish it was me instead of jake. jake would have made a stronger, better impact on the world than me. jake was far more intelligent, kind, caring, just everything i couldnt be. he didnt even want to see me in the end anyways. I found out at his funeral that he would go on walks, and one time when he walked past my house whoever he was with asked if he wanted to go see me. he said no. when he had cancer, and was dying. shows you the kind of person i am right. some days i wish i could just die so i can apologize to him face to face. doesnt matter if he’ll accept it. i just need to see him and say sorry.

since this is a note to myself, and im probably gonna look at it sometime in the future, ill leave a note for myself to look at:

The goal is to be a good memory on the lives that you will hopefully help. To be remembered is to live forever. Make sure you’re not forgotten. Make sure you eventually tell her how you feel. It’ll drive her away, but you should tell her anyways. Why keep living a lie? 

i dont know how to end this. ill just say goodbye

[frankomon-blog]

i always give 100% when it comes to listening to my friends in their times of need. i devote myself to making whatever situation they’re in become better.

why is there no one like that for me? no one real at least.

im gonna die alone.

[frankomon-blog]

I FUCKING HATE YOU PLEASE STOP BEING A PAART OF MY FUCKING ALIEFE

[frankomon-blog]

I can't hear your name without instantly going back to that same pit. You’re a curse on me, but I put that on myself now didn't i. You just had to be one of the greatest people I know, fi you were i would apogize every day. I still have your number somewhere. what would happen if i called it. part of me wishes this was all some elaborate joke and you were still alive

[frankomon-blog]

Please stop haunting me. Dear god i am so sorry, you won’t leave my damn thoughts as fucking punishment. i can't bear anymore of the near times where you leave me in tears even though you aren't even here anymore. Just fucking leave my head

[frankomon-blog]

whats sad is that im not even that terribly tall yet i still manage to hit my head on something daily

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If a Geodude uses rock smash is it murder?

This question haunts my dreams

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dicks out for my amazing friends; all of whom i love dearly

[frankomon-blog]

I was out to a movie with my friends last night. We come and sit down, and I realize pretty soon that this girl in the row behind us has her feet up on my friend David’s seat. She’s there with one of her friends. So David turns around and he says something like, “uh do you think you could put your feet down?” And I think they say something in response but I didn’t hear it. The feet didn’t go down. A few minutes later David says, “hey, will you get your feet off my chair? It’s extremely rude.” And they still don’t budge.

So I tell David that he should go find an employee and get them to talk to this girl. He does exactly that, and after a couple minutes an employee comes and talks to this girl. She is obviously pretty peeved but begrudgingly agrees to put her feet down.

After the employee leaves, she puts her feet right back up.

At this point I’m pissed off. Why is it so important to you that you have your feet up on someone’s chair? You’re just being a brat.

So I get out of my seat, walk up two rows, sit down in the seat directly behind this girl, and stick my foot on the back of her chair and push it forward. They both turn around and try to say something to me, but I can’t really hear them since the movie had started by this point, so I just say “just watch the movie.”

I kept my feet up there the entire movie. It felt like I had done walls sits for two hours but I’m glad I did it.

[frankomon-blog]

Humans see me as a computer repair professional, while robots in the future will see me as a Necromancer.

[frankomon-blog]

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reasons to date me: 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: please lol

[frankomon-blog]

talking with your friends about your favorite characters like

[frankomon-blog]

“remember that time in 7th grade when you-“