fransiska-a - Tumblr blog

[fransiska-a]

I just happened to be there when things changed

what a weird title, huh?

So the reason why I said that is because my workplace will move to a new building next month. We'll move to a bigger space and they will rearrange everything so that it can accommodate our growing members and duties.

And the funny thing is when I look back, I've experienced this kind of thing several times throughout my whole life. I mean, how often does a school or company move to a new building? maybe it's just once in every tens year, right ? and I just happened to be there and joined the hype of moving to a new place and starting over when my elementary school move to the new building next door, or when my faculty move to a new building and the whole school in Japan relocate to a new location, and now, I am here, too, when my workplace move to a new building.

It might be just a coincidence, but it just feels funny to me. Besides that, it is somehow exciting but scary to me because it means we will get lots of new things for everything but it also means I'll meet everyone soon when it's been a while since I interact with a huge group of people.

I hope with more people to interact with, I can maintain this no-drama routine and I hope there are tons of things to be excited about once we move to the new place later.

I'm not really sure why I want to write this out, tho hahaha.

Have a great weekend! :)

[fransiska-a]

to write is to take care of myself

I carry this loud mind with me every day. Some days it gets so loud that I get drown in it. Especially when days are hard, listening to this loud mind is surely not a good thing at all. It's so good at giving the worst possible scenario (that won't ever happen in any way) then I'll foolishly believe everything, and suddenly everything feels like the end of the world for me.

And what's the actual thing that my mind speak about? oh, believe me when I say it could be everything. It could be about the chances I blew years ago because I was too afraid to take it. It could be about why people do what they do to me. It could be about the clothes I've been wanting to buy. It could be about every detail in my dreams last night. It could be about the concert I attended 4 years ago. It could be about the people whom I met this afternoon. It could be about the reason why I said what I said earlier today. It could be about the worst possibility that could happen and excuses why I shouldn't get out of bed tomorrow. It could be about things I want to eat this week (or even this month (?)). It could be about things I will do next weekend or next Christmas holiday (when it was still April). It could be everything from this and that from the past, present, and future in just one night. And the worst part is when the days are hard, it could be about all possible ways to put me to blame for every single thing. And for the last two years, it's mostly about the latter.

I started to realize that this loud mind that I carry took control over my life more than it should be. There will be some days when I'm so lost in it that I can't sleep and function properly for weeks. And I have been troubling my closest friends a lot in handling the emotions that occur due to these overwhelming thoughts. It was getting out of control and I thought I should try to be honest with myself that I'm not in a good state and I should find a way to solve it, or maybe look for help somewhere.

So I started to try many things like meditation, social media detox, reading lots of self-help books, and journaling to help me regain control over my mind. Out of all methods, I find that journaling (or basically, just taking notes) helps me a lot to go through it. I learn to write things out, just like in my childhood days where I keep an entry a day in my diary. At first, it was awkward and I still wrote that I'm doing good (this stubborn bitch just won't give up on pretending to be strong every day -.-). However, over time, I realized how silly it was to know that I even get scared to be judged by my own self.

Practising journaling helps me a lot to reorganize my thoughts and giving space for each one of them so that I can pick one at a time to resolve. It helps me to be honest with myself and allows me to show the most vulnerable side of me (which I never gave a thought to do, but turns out that I really need it once in a while). From there, I started to jot things down on the daily basis, too. Like things I need to do, things I have to remember, and all things that randomly pop out of my mind so it won't get crowded inside my mind. My journal and a small notebook that I carry around are not pretty and neat, it varies in length too, sometimes I can write 3 pages long and sometimes it's just 3 sentences long. It is as messy as my mind, but to be able to pour half of the things that crowd my mind and carry it around surely does help with regaining my composure every day.

Sometimes I will revisit my entries in the journal and read every single word all over again. That brings back the stings and pain but reading it in the right mind really hits different, I could see things more clearly, even have a different perspective that sometimes debates my previous thoughts. Having the record of things that happened and how I encountered them make it easier to accept or let go of things, it just feels like I eventually can understand why things have to happen in that particular circumstances. I guess journaling is like giving space between us and the problem that we encounter, and space means more breath, more time to think, more ease on the nerves, and more chances to stop hurting ourselves with our thoughts. and the latter alone is maybe the only thing that we need to keep going with our lives even when it is falling apart.

When I said that 2020 was a long and painful year, I do realize that it was also a year where I have time to really take care of myself. With so much going on and how each one of us has our own extra battle that year, I found out that I should really learn how to handle myself and that's when I started to try all things I can do to sort things out. When I thought that a year of break is a waste of time and I'm just a useless and miserable human being for the whole year, it turns out to be the phase that I need to grow and the time that I need to reset, to regain control, to reorganize my priorities, to re-love myself, and to rebuild my strength.

I don't know that I'll write this long but it just feels good to talk it out like this. It was World Mental Health Day last Sunday and with the growing circle around me and fast information that I received from everywhere, it is nice to know that people start to be aware that this thing matters, but I also realized that there are many out there that still think about it differently.

I just want to say (this is for myself too) that no matter how people see you and think about you, it is okay to take a break to take care of yourself, it is okay to put some distance so you can breathe, and it is okay to be vulnerable when things are too much to handle. Let's slowly learn about ourselves and find a way to make peace with the chaos inside. Writing helps me to get through the chaos battle with my mind every day, I hope you can find your own tricks that will work for you too :)

♡♡♡

[fransiska-a]

😭

Acoustic Version #MyUniverse // Coldplay X BTS // https://coldplay.lnk.to/MUAcoustic 🌠❤️

[fransiska-a]

How’s life ?

Am I doing okay ?

I intended to start my entry with “2020 was a tough year” but  I realized that we've reached the last 3 months of 2021 already and I’m not really sure if the stories from 2020 are still valid to answer those questions above. It was just a long and painful year for me (and maybe for you too). 

I don’t know how to rate myself in surviving it, but through all the loss, the failure, the regrets for things that I took for granted, and the endless loop of questioning myself over everything, I think I’ve learned enough to navigate myself better for  this year and years ahead. 

and if I were to answer those questions above, then this will be my answer..

My life these days are not always nice and I’m not always okay..

But from what I’ve been through last year, I’m learning to be nicer to myself and others when life isn’t as nice as I want it to be, to appreciate every second with those people who are still around, and to just do things I want to do right away even if it scares the shit out of me.

Those things I mentioned are not the perfect formula and it doesn’t make my life instantly easier, but knowing that I’ve done what I can do for myself means I’m narrowing the gap for regrets to sip in.

and that alone makes everything feels so much better :)

and how about you ?

how are you ?

are you doing okay ?  

♥

[fransiska-a]

Here I am, again..

hi there!

It feels kinda awkward to come again after deciding to leave hehe..

My mind was all over the place last year and this account kept so many memories that held me back from solving all the problems, so I thought deleting this account will help me to get through it. Well.. of course, it's not the right way to solve the problem, but the fact that it made me stop coming here just to dig past memories and being sad about it did help. And thanks for that, I can come back feeling so much better now :)

I've been wandering here and there while I'm gone but ended up coming back here. I guess Tumblr will always be my favorite place to write things out and share things I want to cherish. Now that I've sort things out, I want to start writing here again. Let’s see how long it will last, but I hope I can always come back with tons of stories to tell for a long time hehehe. 

Well, I guess I’ll see you soon!

xx