freddielocks

[freddielocks]

The housewife chroniclezzz

Well, hello. My husband's just left for work, he works so hard to bring home all the money for our family, all that clicking and typing and resting his feet on the desk makes him SO tired, you know? It's my duty and it has always been my dream to give myself a constant back-breaking schedule of tasks to do all day to look after our children and take care of the house, for my big strong husband. Ahhh, *swooning*, yes, that's a picture of us there. He comes home every night at 6:30, and as soon as he walks through the door he sits right down at the table, where I've just spent two hours cooking a delicious meal for him and the kids and laid out a perfectly chilled beer too. I sit and eat with him, listening to his tough day at work and I am never asked about my day, but so what? I'm a dull old housewife. All I do is chores. Immediately after dinner he moves to the sofa in the front room, I put on the football for him and move the furniture into place so he can put up his feet, and give him a change of clothes out of his suit. I put the kids to bed and change all their clothes too, feeling like fainting, but if it's not hard it's not worth it, right? I sit on my bed, all neatly made up, and he comes to join me at around 11, falling straight asleep. If I'm lucky, we'll have sex, and I'll feel his beer belly crushing my stomach as his micropenis barely tickles my vagina - of course I never orgasm myself. Maybe once a month, he'll say I love you, and I'll be set for the next period of monosyllabic time.

But wait, now you ask me... Things aren't so fine after all, are they? I met a woman in the supermarket a few years ago, in the same situation as me, and we began an affair together. I'm packing my suitcase now, and we're going to a cottage in the middle of Wales and I'll finally be happy! Thank God!

[freddielocks]

Tumblr commenter chroniclezzz

*typing*

SO FUCKING COOL OMG

*typing*

Now That's how you fucking do it.

*typing*

GODDAMN Y'ALL ARE SO FUCKING SMOOTH ON HERE!

*typing*

help I am lonely I haven't left the house in three months sunlight makes me wrinkle I don't know how to interact with humans any more I need help, love and affection urgently this is not a joke I comment really basic stuff to try and get friends but it's no use-

*stops typing and hurriedly deletes message*

*scrolls down and starts typing again*

OMG THAT'S SO FUCKING COOL HOLY SHIT

[freddielocks]

Here's part 2: now we turn our attention to the rarest albums in my collection! The values are higher, of course, but twelve tracks will generally be worth more than two!

An honourable mention goes to the Who, with their album My Generation on Brunswick. Despite this technically being the most expensive on the list at a colossal £600 book and £825 maximum sale value, there is a serious gulf between unplayed pristine copies and copies of any lower calibre - it isn't a true rarity. At any rate my copy has no cover.

10) Kevin Ayers - Joy Of A Toy

Label: Harvest, cat. SHVL 763

Year: 1969, 10 tracks

Highest Discogs sale: £240

Book value: £150

Paid: £40 in Plastic Wax Records

Notes: couple of scratches but overall a nice playing copy. Cover good. 1st pressing with no EMI box on the label.

Kevin Ayers was a charismatic singer with a demure voice, involved in the Canterbury Scene and the genesis of progressive rock, being a founder member of the Soft Machine. Joy Of A Toy, his first solo record, is a wonderfully anachronistic blast of poppy psychedelia, with not many standout songs but designed to be listened to all the way through. Nevertheless, swinging opener 'Song For Insane Times' and the unsettling 'children's' song 'Lady Rachel' are my highlights.

9) John And Yoko - The Wedding Album

Label: Apple, cat. SAPCOR 11

Year: 1969, 2 tracks

Highest Discogs sale: £259

Book price: £600 (bear in mind a complete set has never sold)

Paid: £15, from a 'friend' needing money for a night out!

John Lennon and Yoko Ono's marriage in Gibraltar, for various reasons I can't remember, and their 'Bed Peace' protest were documented in this lavish package. Musically, the album is truly bizarre. The first side is 22 minutes of the pair's heartbeats as they shout each other's names in various ways (yeah) and the flip is a sound collage of a bunch of recordings and interviews made in Amsterdam during Bed Peace. I wanted a copy during my phase of intrigue into the Beatles' experimental solo works, and somehow I got one!

Out of the full package that originally came with the LP, I own the gatefold sleeve that held the record, the large wedding photos, the cartoon poster and the booklet of press clippings. The cardboard in there may be original too, and there's a random photo of John Lennon I was given free at a record fair once. The box is not, it was lovingly replicated from a Reader's Digest box set of show songs. Original boxes had a facsimile wedding certificate glued to the inside. I am sadly missing the 'Bagism' plastic bag, the pop up cutout of the wedding cake and the small strip of passport photos. What a package - it must have cost a lot at the time!

8) Blonde On Blonde - Contrasts

Label: Pye, cat. NSPL.18288

Year: 1969, 12 tracks

Highest Discogs sale: £290

Book price: £175

Paid: £12 in Plastic Wax

Notes: I only have half the cover! Clearly someone wanted to have the pretty girl on their wall... The LP is in playable condition. It took some cleaning though.

This Welsh outfit came at the beginning of progressive rock, and the LP is surprisingly assured and complex straight from the bold opener 'Ride With Captain Max'. Hard rock, baroque stately ballads and in between are all present, with other highlights being the sitar-drenched 'Spinning Wheel' (a cover of Blood Sweat and Tears), the sneeringly humorous 'Conversationally Making The Grade' (I love the line 'America's gonna buy us, turn us into a national park') and the wistful closer 'Jeanette Isabella'.

7) Second Hand - Reality

Label: Polydor, cat. 583 045

Year: 1968, 10 tracks

Highest Discogs sale: £295

Book value: £200

Paid: £50 on eBay

Notes: second press, with labels crediting Second Hand instead of their first name, The Moving Finger (also the name of the band who released the gorgeous 'Pain of My Misfortune' single which I'm still looking for). The cover is deliberately 'worn' as a pun on the band name, and the vinyl is not perfect but really nice.

Again, Second Hand were at the forefront of progressive rock, miles ahead of many more popular acts. Band leader Ken Elliott was a keyboard wizard as well as lead vocalist, and the rest of the band were also brilliant musicians, augmented by the cello and flute of Chris Williams on certain tracks. The album has a loose concept about a clown, Denis James, whose life hits difficulties and culminates in his eventual suicide in the bath. The first side contains many brilliant vignettes, with tough rockers alongside orchestrated psychedelia, culminating in the woozy and fatigued 'The World Will End Yesterday'. However, be ready to turn it over. There are four tracks on the second side, the first being a cheery entree to the Denis James character. What follows is a devastating emotional journey that grabs you by the neck, with heavy murk contrasting the swooning cello arrangements and jazzy flute. This culminates in the Bath Song, and the death of D.J. Brutal, and has to be heard to be experienced. I thought it was even more chilling as I was told Bob Gibbons, the lead guitarist, killed himself nine years later. However that's a stupid myth for hype, unfortunately it was an accidental electrocution.

6) The Graham Bond Organization - Sound Of '65

Label: Columbia, cat. 33SX 1711

Year: 1965 (obviously!), 12 tracks

Highest Discogs sale: £300

Book value: £400

Paid: around £40 in Plastic Wax

Notes: looks much rougher than it plays. First press with '33SX' in the catalogue number.

Graham Bond, a former radiator salesman, was an amazing saxophone player and keyboardist (and decent singer) who cut his teeth alongside the now legendary Don Rendell. Also in the Organization, the band he formed after leaving Rendell's Quintet, was the other great saxophonist Dick Heckstall-Smith, and two future members of supergroup Cream, bassist and singer Jack Bruce and drummer Ginger Baker. The album is classy jazzy R&B, covering many well known standards with a few originals in there. 'Baby Be Good To Me' is my standout pick, a scurrying shuffle with darting saxophone and cool organ fills driving it along.

5) The Wailers - Catch A Fire

Label: Island, cat. ILPS 9241

Year: 1973, 9 tracks

Highest Discogs sale: £350

Book price: £150

Paid: £12 in Plastic Wax

Notes: the upper part of the cover, which swung off as if a 'Zippo' lighter, is missing. The LP is very scratched, but is the original pink rim 1st pressing.

Bob Marley and The Wailers made this iconic album debut in 1973, starting the ball rolling on their incredible popularity. A classic of the new reggae sound straight from the darkly grooving opener 'Concrete Jungle'. Nuff said really! Check it out, you'll enjoy it.

4) The Graham Bond Organization - There's a Bond Between Us

Label: Columbia, cat. 33SX 1750

Year: 1965, 12 tracks

Highest Discogs sale: £395

Book price: £400

Paid: £35 from Plastic Wax

Notes: slightly shabbier than the other GBO LP (they were bought together). Still a solid player.

This second album sees the GBO expand their sound, and is arguably the stronger of the two. Not only does Jack Bruce's suave and strong voice get more of an outing, but the three instrumentals make it impossible to sit down listening to the album! Have a dance to the punchy opener 'Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?' and listen to the Eastern-flavoured Baker-led 'Camels and Elephants'.

3) The Kinks - Arthur or the Decline and Fall of the British Empire

Label: Pye, cat. NPL.18317

Year: 1969, 12 tracks

Highest on Discogs: £421

Book price: £150

Paid: £20 in Plastic Wax

Notes: much rarer mono issue. Comes with original Queen Victoria lyric insert, but cover and record are very battered. 'Victoria' will not play as there is something up with the grooves. Maybe an industrial clean is in order.

This album, the last in the series of roughly conceptual Kinks LPs, is a delightfully quirky musical take on end-of-empire Britain, taking various melodic cues from music of the time and combining them with distinctly British themes and some serious danceability. One could argue that 'Victoria' invented pub rock. 'Brainwashed' is a cool mod dancer and 'Shangrila', the second single from the album, is a complex ode to humble home life and a shrewd observation on class. The hits and commercial success was gone by now, but is now the most acclaimed part of the Kinks' oeuvre.

2) Trees - On The Shore

Label: CBS, cat. S 64168

Year: 1970, 10 tracks

Highest Discogs sale: £483

Book price: £400

Paid: £12 in Plastic Wax

Notes: two large grievous scratches on the A-side - but they barely even sound, it's a great player!

Acid folk was practically invented by Trees, who had already laid down the wonderful Garden of Jane Delawney LP. The characteristic soaring vocals of Celia Humphris delightfully interplayed with fuzzy rock to create a new exciting edge on traditional folk songs and some startling original material. The short opener 'Soldiers Three' signals their intent clearly. Their arrangement of the infamous folk ballad 'Streets of Derry' lends it an excellent charging energy, but arguably the standouts are the ominous and cryptic 'Fool' and the soaring and energetic 'Murdoch', showing staggering songcraft. As if the album didn't have more than enough going for it, 'Geordie' was sampled by Gnarls Barkley on their track 'St. Elsewhere', leading to a renaissance of the band's work. Despite appearing on numerous samplers put out by the record label, Trees never became a commercial success, a fact which boggles the mind.

1) The Jimi Hendrix Experience - Electric Ladyland

Label: Track, cat. 613008/9

Year: 1968, 16 tracks

Highest Discogs sale: £645

Book price: £300

Paid: I will never know!

Notes: second press with white text on the sleeve instead of turquoise. Yes, stupid things like that make a difference. One record contains Sides 1 and 4, the other sides 2 and 3, which isn't standard.

Arguably Hendrix's masterpiece, this album needs little introduction, mixing psychedelia, jazz, R&B and even more into a great cosmic double album. Just listen to '1983 (A Merman I Should Turn To Be') and you'll understand the sheer power and weight of this record. Glorious from start to finish.

Thanks again!

[freddielocks]

Here are, by Discogs' ratings, the 10 most valuable singles in my collection. The descriptions will aim to give you as much detail as they can about each, if there's any terminology that needs explaining just ask!

They'll go in reverse order:

10) John's Children - Desdemona

B-side: Remember Thomas a Becket

Label: Track, cat 604003

Year: 1967

Highest sold for on Discogs: £122

Rare Record Price Guide Value (in mint near unplayed condition): £150

Price paid: £30 on eBay

Condition: Record and sleeve VG (some noise)

This Desdemona, the rarest of all the singles I own by my hero Marc Bolan, is made much more valuable as it has the rare picture sleeve, an oddity for British singles at the time. Both sides are decent mod tracks and the A-side was banned by the BBC for the lyrics 'Lift up your skirt and fly' which Bolan maintained was about a witch.

9) Nicky James - So Glad We Made It

A-side: I Need To Be Needed

Label: Philips, cat BF 1566

Year: 1967

Highest on Discogs: £140

RRPG mint Value: £7 (!)

Price paid: 40p in Plastic Wax Records

Condition: Solid VG (edge cracked but not affecting grooves)

Nicky James aka 'Thunderthroat' was a big voiced but obscure singer, who came close to hits and almost joined the Moody Blues, who later went on to enormous success, signing him to their record label Threshold. I found this after hours of searching and got really excited (confused stares in the shop) and got it home only to see its low book value. However, it was not listed on Discogs, and so I put it in the database myself, to find a few years later that the B-side is considered a collectible Northern Soul record and it had started to sell for way more money! Not my favourite record by him though, which is Reaching For The Sun.

8) The Creation - Making Time

B-side: Try And Stop Me

Label: Planet, cat PLF 116

Year: 1966, charted at #49 for 1 week

Highest on Discogs: £150

Book value: £35 (would be £50 with sleeve)

Price paid: £25 on Discogs (lucky!)

Condition: largely VG+ but one deeper scratch causes pops

The mod band The Creation were rivals to the Who in their heyday, and this aggressive punky single, produced by the renowned Shel Talmy and issued on his (uber-cool) Planet label, showcases their talent, as well as the invention of playing the electric guitar with a violin bow to crunchy effect! It's a classic and a must-have for any collector.

7) The Misunderstood - I Can Take You To The Sun

B-side: Who Do You Love

Label: Fontana, cat. TF 777

Year: 1966

Highest on Discogs: £150

Book value: £80

Price paid: 50p in a warehouse clearance in Cadoxton, Wales

Condition: it appears that this was left by the radiator at some point, and it's a bit wavey around the edge. This causes a few wobbles in the sound and a little sizzle at the end, but still listenable

The Misunderstood were a mysterious American outfit, who only released this single while in their original line up, with the dual guitars of Englishman Tony Hill and Glenn Ross Campbell (not the famous one). 1966 puts it at the cutting edge of psychedelia, and both tracks are amazing and utter classics, with the A-side taking you to space and back and the B-side being the most screechy Bo Diddley cover ever! It was a dream to find a copy in the dingiest place in the world, and well worth the damp knees and hours without any natural light.

6) The Maytones - Botheration and The G.G. Rhythm Section - TNT

Label: Blue Cat, cat. (Haha) BS 165

Year: 1969

Highest on Discogs: £150

Book price: £35

Paid: it's still a secret but it's around £30-35, from Plastic Wax

Condition: solid VG again, which for a reggae/rocksteady single is practically a dream.

This single split between two artists very popular in Jamaica (The G.G. All Stars were connected to pioneer Ernest Ranglin) was released on the Blue Cat label, arguably the rarest of the numerous sub-labels of legendary company Trojan Records. Both sides are chilled rocksteady and among the label's best work, justifying the steep rise in prices for it. My reggae buying career has been essentially for the labels they were released on, but this was a huge coup as it was a brilliant record too!

5) James Royal - I Can't Stand It

B-side: A Little Bit Of Rain

Label: CBS, cat. 2959

Year: 1967

Highest on Discogs (and only sale to date): £150

Book price: £125

Price paid: 50p in Rick's Records (rip), Hastings

Condition: looks utterly trashed and has a small crack going into the playing surface alas. However it plays very well given its appearance - it's loud!

James Royal is not a well known name - he made a fair few singles before joining a covers band and leaving the big time for Australia, having played with a host of future stars (Rick Wakeman of Yes, John Entwistle of the Who, Nick Simper from Deep Purple) along the way. This classy two-sider is his rarest record and shows his vocals to great effect against an amazingly lavish production. As usual with soul records, the demo copy (which amazingly was the reason I didn't leave it in the box for so cheap!) doubles the value, although any copy of this fetches big prices - that £150 is looking a little low. I more treasure it because musically it's superb. Check it out!

4) Kaleidoscope - A Dream For Julie

B-side: Please Excuse My Face

Label: Fontana, cat. TF 895

Year: 1968

Highest Discogs: £175

Book price: £40

Paid: £5 on eBay

Condition: has a crack which has led to a small piece missing. I have just about got it to play without the needle getting stuck in there. You can appreciate this one's a 'collection filler' (for someone who didn't care - I bought it for the music obviously!)

Kaleidoscope are a now legendary English psych-pop outfit, who narrowly missed success both in this form, making waves with 'Flight From Ashiya' (which I also own after a long and arduous search) and as their later Fairfield Parlour incarnation, scoring a near-hit with 'Bordeaux Rosé'. As I Luv Wight they recorded the theme for the Isle Of Wight Festival in 1970, but the festival DJ ignored instructions to play it in between every act and tossed his copy into the crowd (it was perhaps a little too advanced, but I like it (and own it)). A Dream For Julie is a bizarre danceable record with sheer nonsense lyrics ('Mexican clowns' and 'strawberry monkeys' surround Julie for starters). The B-side is typically mellow and stately.

3) The Kinks - Long Tall Sally

B-side: I Took My Baby Home

Label: Pye, cat. 7N.15611

Year: 1964

Highest on Discogs: £207

Book price: £120

Paid: £16 on eBay

Condition: VG playing above grade - a surprisingly great copy! Probably one of the best in this list

The Kinks need no introduction, but this was their first ever single released just two records before You Really Got Me practcially invented fuzz guitar and changed rock forever. Both sides are snappy beat numbers with character and the characteristic weird vocals of Ray Davies. eBay does have miracles - this bidding war happened in prime hours (8pm) and I held on by 50p or so, for a record which otherwise would fetch much higher and has a huge collector's market in beat and Kinks fans alike.

2) Crocheted Doughnut Ring - Two Little Ladies (Azalea and Rhododendron)

B-side: Nice

Year: 1967

Label: Polydor, cat. 56204

Highest on Discogs: £307

Book value: £40

Paid: £12.50 on eBay

Condition: VG-, crackles a fair bit as both sides are quiet.

The (Crocheted) Doughnut Ring were an obscure outfit who issued around four singles in the late 60s. This record's A-side is a rather meandering psych-pop affair which is rather soft. Having no other material for a B-side, producer Peter Eden (who lent his talents to a whole other bunch of records and adds collectibility) fooled around with the A-side tapes and created an incredible soundscape - inventing ambient music in 1967! There's nothing else like it for at least another four years, when Brian Eno and Robert Fripp released (No Pussyfooting) (which I do own, and yes, the brackets are part of the title), the first major incidence of tape manipulation in popular music after The CDR's accident!

1) The Spectres - I (Who Have Nothing)

B-side: Neighbour Neighbour

Label: Piccadilly, cat. 7N.35339

Year: 1966

Highest on Discogs: £350

Book value: £300

Paid: Nothing! This was in my aunt's garage in Manchester, although mum has no idea who owned it in the first place - mysterious Auntie Laura was the only candidate. Other records in the box were also rare, causing disbelief as mum thought they were awful!

Condition: incredibly for a record stored without any protective sleeve in a flimsy box in the dankest most cluttered garage in existence, it's a solid VG with great sound.

This record, the first of three, was the first recorded appearance of Status Quo! This creates its incredible value, although it is the most common of the three (not saying much). Both sides are not brilliant versions of standards recorded by lots of bands, although I (like others) have a soft spot for the B-side, which is an R&B number with traces of the psychedelic sound early Quo (before they decided to only write songs with three chords!) were to hit success with, as Pictures of Matchstick Men became a top 10 hit. In between the Spectres and that single, the band were known as Traffic Jam, and the Almost But Not Quite There (accurate name!) single is the most sought after. My aunt nearly threw it away! Jesus!

[freddielocks]

The tide flows in the tide flows out twice every day returning

[freddielocks]

The other day I saw an article write agender as “a-gender” and I ended up reading it in a Mario voice.

[freddielocks]

Nico

A stranger musical identity was never forged it seems.

1) Chelsea Girl - the 'pop' album, of stentorian archaic vocals playing holy folk ballads

2) The Marble Index - the 'art' album - dense blockish soundscapes like a strange ballet

3) Desertshore - the 'moody' album - overbearingly depressing and petrifying

4) The End - the 'extreme' album - it doesn't get much further than this

[freddielocks]

Bull of Heaven tracks to drown in

1) Man-Lizards Masters of Venus: the same slyly slithering loop for 22 minutes rolling ever sideways. Very easy to sink into.

2) Did You Know That The Bible Have The Answers?: About 21 minutes of a darkened piano loop with a superb aura. Comforting desolation.

3) Even To The Edge Of Doom: 24 hours (or just an hour and a bit) of the same G minor sinking two-note loop. This is one to lose hope in. About the first two minutes has some spine-tingling guitar. If that carried on intermittently it would be superb.

4) Like The First Pine Cone: 83 minutes of clear guitar reverberation and often quite frightening, one for the city. I never made it through all 83 minutes unbroken.

5) Pitiless Light Over The Stony Landscape: 104 minutes of a repeated vocalisation loop and drone that about every 12 minutes changes key up a semitone in the most woozy fashion. Not only did I lose myself in this piece, I lived under it for a whole day afterwards as it echoed round my head. I will never forget it.

6) Return of Ghost Sheriff (Werewolves Are Chasing Me): 44 minutes of a surprisingly variegated loop with lots of extra sound effects and rolling tones. Just keep walking. You have all the time in the world... You can leave this planet for an hour or so. Medication.

[freddielocks]

Go

[freddielocks]

Baseball apple pie wrestling pecan nuts really big nuts butter big chicken noodle nugget Perkins pee final fantasy football game

[freddielocks]

The folk singer chronicles

Well, I got this version from an old gentleman in West Codswallop, who is 88 years old and only has one vocal cord left. I am blessed to help preserve his legacy, and thus I am automatically better than people who just get their songs off the internet, like I have totally never done. Ever... I'm going to play an introduction to this number consisting of exclusively pizzicato fiddle while my melodeon friend here will play a variety of slow moving drones. I'm then going to pair it with a tune I wrote called 'The Microwaveable Minute Rice' which is entirely arpeggios and modulates five times into the lydian dominant mode. I am a genius.

[freddielocks]

friday night feel like PS1 graphics solid snake swimming

[freddielocks]

Just wants a little piss-pect

[freddielocks]

White girls say it with me!

Go, white girls everywhere

Over perfume the fresh classroom air

Pull on your Primark jeans and pants

And join us in an awkward form of dance

Bring some booze (but not too much!)

Just enough to get tipsy a touch

See the patriarchy in action

Whitewash the BAME reaction

The blackest you get is mixed race

But social justice is your case

Never mind, let's all drink booba tea

In double denim blue like the sea

S C A R L E T T J O H A N S O N

[freddielocks]

The nerdo chroniclezzz

Haha. Okay, this is epic. Ben Shapiro rekt you, liberal. Hey look! I'm asking a ridiculous question! I'm so clever and funny. Yes I'm ugly, yes I actually smell because my rolls of fat have years of stored grime under them, yes I have no female friends let alone pussy to devour *tips fedora*. But who needs that when I can make obscure yet not so obscure political references and complain about the amount of genders there are? My spoken level is much better than yours. Hah, but smell you later, libtard. I'm off to burn pieces of paper with magnifying glasses to show that I will never make a meaningful connection with anyone outside of my computer.

[freddielocks]

H

[freddielocks]

The Christian chroniclezzz

We stand in the presence of our Lord. God, Jesus, Mary Magdalene, the Spirit and all the angles watch over me and guide my every move.

Excuse me, but witchcraft isn't a joke. I have to turn off Lil Uzi Vert when he starts devil worshipping. But still, some god-given beats amirite? (This is what the kids say nowadays isn't it?).

No, we shouldn't give back Northern Ireland. There are British people there. Now Brexit... Well, I can't tell you how I voted. Of course, I'm a Conservative though. They stand for our religious values. If that nice Mr Mogg wasn't a Catholic I might support him.

In my ideal world, everyone is religious... Well, maybe not Muslims. They do things with children, after all. Wait, you're gay aren't you. Ah. I'm not homophobic, just... There are only two genders. That's what God gave us. It's all part of the conspiracy, you see Britain used to be a Christian nation and.........