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אוף הלוואי שהיית עדיין חי ♥

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how do i get over the fear that someone i love might commit themselves?

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i spoke with some friend from steam and i mentioned that i wish i were a dude (basically my way of saying im not cis) and he started questioning me and telling me that he doesnt see anything masculine about my behaviour (he doesnt know what i look like) and like i appreciate the opinion but i wish i knew how to explain my feelings

ffs i just wish i were cis

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i hate seeing ppl i hate being treated nicely

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grrrrrrrrrrrr

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fuck this

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posted some stuff on facebook i might regret

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cant believe i had to see his stupid fucking face i cant believe i have so many mutuals with him fuck him

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man i hate everybody

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ppl keep fucking pissing me off

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i feel like a bad person bcs im so fixated on jjongs suicide but meanwhile i barely feel anything regarding jinri and hara

i guess that like, with jinri and hara, even two years later im still not "buying" it, like its weird to think that theyre dead, and not just out of the public eye.

its so weird

suicide

its so sudden

yet it can also be planned for ages

god i fucking hate it

i hate the concept of premature death lol

children shouldnt die before their parents

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it kinda sucks that as someone whos mentally ill and has tried to commit i still dont know what to tell other people when they feel this way

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im so mad at you

you had so fucking much to live for

its not fair

mental illnesses suck so much....

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bub.. its been 4 years

i remember that day

i had no idea who you were... i had just gotten into kpop like 3 months prior, and i have already heard of shinee at that point but i didnt know you that well.

its actually kinda weird, bcs i already sorta knew the other guys, like i recognized the names, and i knew there was this other guy.. i just didnt know it was you

oh god i remember that day so well

i was sleeping in the big bed in the room that used to belong to my sister before she moved out. i woke up at like 5am by chance, and saw the notification. youngbae posted a photo on instagram, he announced that he and hyorin are getting married. i was so excited and then i quickly fell back to sleep.

when i woke up for real later, it was probably like 1pm at that point, i went on facebook and this friend of mine, a, posted (in hebrew) "there are reports that jjong is dead". bcs it was in hebrew, i had no idea what "jjong" meant, i didnt know exactly how to translate that but there werent many options so i got the correct term to search quickly.

i looked it up and i got the result of "jonghyun, shinee"

"holy shit, is he from shinee??"

i started reading about you a bit, while checking the comments on the post. ppl were commenting like "what" and a responded that her friend in korea told her that

even tho i didnt know you, i was truly hoping that you were okay and this whole thing was just a huge misunderstanding.

a while later, the "BREAKING" notification appeared. i dont remember that exact moment, but i was already way deep in the jjong lore so i of course started crying.

over the course of an hour or two, while you had just died, i went through your entire life. funny moments compilation and music. i saw the she is music video and i remembered that my friend once showed it to me once and i remembered you and the aesthetics of that clip.

i started listening to it nom stop, just in repeat, while my brain kept saying "hes dead... this man just died" over and over again, i couldnt stop crying.

im not sure when they announced it was a suicide, but i think it was almost right away.

the news kept flowing, timelines were flooding.

all the BREAKING and the fan posts, searching your name on twitter... people already started doing group meetings where they released a bunch of white balloons to the sky. or maybe it was the day after, im not sure.

i remember i kept hoping that this was just an awful prank. i thought "maybe he can still be alive?? just check him!"

the whole concept of death is so weird to me. people can endure so much and not die, but a few huffs of smoke can end a person? of course it was actually like that, but shit is weird.

i have never heard of this "method". buying charcoal and heating it on a pan or something, forcing yourself to inhale it as much as you can. i looked it up and apparently its kind of "common" in east asian countries, or maybe specifically in korea?

suicide is weird

theres hanging, gunshot, overdose and sometime wrist slitting. of course yours kinda counts as an overdose, but i never thought about that being a thing even.

i wonder what it was like. what were your last moments like.

for me, when i started swallowing all the pills, i was crying. i didnt plan to cry but i was crying. i thought to myself "youve prepared so much for this, dont quit now". if i were "successful", my passing date wouldve been august 26 2016.

but i super flopped. i wonder how close i were to real danger, but i guess i was far from it. i thought that like 70 pills would be enough...

its not fair dude

basically, i feel so fake

i only got to "know" you when you died. i dont know you irl, youre a celebrity on the other side of the continent. so why did you affect me so much?

i was so broken, i thought about myself and what i did.

i forgot what i wanted to say

oh yeah

i was wondering.. how long have you been planning this for? weeks? months? YEARS???

did you pick a date specifically?

i think maybe you did bcs it was after jinkis and mings bdays. its also exactly a week before christmas but that might be just a coincedence.

theres no point of thinking about this, i mean, trying to guess what you were thinking.

i planned mine for pretty much a year.

i wish suicide wasnt a thing lol

death sucks and shit

i wish i could be there to see your body, the hug you. ive never experienced a death of a close person before. never been to a funeral. only member of my family who died was my grandpa. i wasnt there tho.

for some reason, my brain sometimes tries to say stupid shit

every time theres some varient of a joke\comment about your height, im like "oh yeah hes 170"

then my brain is like "well technically, hes minus 6ft" this is so stupid

im so tired

why did you do that

its so weird bcs shawols and blongers keep talking about you in present term. you still exist, youre just not alive.

bye for now

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nah i fucking hate myself

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pieces of shit like its not fucking fair everyone else gets the same treatment that i dont and then you mfs have the audacity to come and tell me that you were worried about me and thats why you ignored me completely??

[free-ilhoon]

נראלי היקום הולך נגדי כאילו מה הפאקינג קטע שכל פעם שאני נכנסת לפייסבוק אני רואה פוסטים של ל ו-ג ותמיד יש על הפוסט לייקים ותגובות שאני לא רואה כלומר זה הם כי חסמתי אותם אבל אם זה לא מספיק אז גם ל פירסמה סקרינשוט לפני איזה שבוע ועכשיו גם ג פירסם סקרינשוט על ד ואני שונאת אותם את שניהם ככ בא לי לספר ל ל מה נסגר איתם ואני תוהה אם ג בכלל יודעת כאילו יש מצב שכן אבל אדק