frekdisco-blog

[frekdisco-blog]

Anxiety

Anxiety. I’ve never dealt with something like this before. When people would mention it i’d be like, “Yea, nervousness, i feel that. I’ve felt nervous before. I know what that’s like.” Yet, I knew nothing. it was hard to understand anxiety because it went through the same fame ADHD did. “OMG IM SOOOO ADHD I LEFT MY SHOE ON THE ROOF OF MY CAWR OHMAHGAWD.” It became an inside joke. Of course everyone had ADHD, being silly and forgetful = ADHDduhhh. But in reality, no, hardly anyone has actual ADHD. My cousin who literally cant concentrate and used to run amok has ADHD. Becky from high school does not. That’s what happened with anxiety. People talked about it so much that people who didn't have it made it into a joke, “I could be great if it wasn't for my crippling anxiety lol.” People regurgitated this information because that’s what they had heard and used it as a joke/excuse for them not being able to get their shit together. In actuality, people with anxiety actually experienced these issues and they literally cant do anything because of anxiety. It’s really hard for someone who hasn't experienced full on anxiety (not just a little nervous) to understand. 

I had my first full on panic attack a little over a month ago. It was my wife's birthday week. We went to Bend, OR for a few days to check out the town and see what it was about. We walked around the town, stopped at a few bars, had some bomb Thai food, ran into the tip-toer (separate story) and just all around had a good time despite the horrible air conditions due to forest fires. On the morning of our departure we had decided to take a nice hike around smith rock. I’m reaaaally out of shape right now so i knew that i didn't want to go over the top because that hike looked brutal. so we decided to take the easy route around the park kinda just cruising. After about an hour we’re on the other side of the park and my wife asks me if i’m down to “go all the way around” i said yea, we’re almost halfway around anyways i mean why wouldn't we? what i didn't realize was that the trail didn't go all the way around the park. It made you scale the rock and go all the way to the top and down the other side. It was essentially doing the hardest trail possible, backwards. I didn't realize it until we were maybe 20 minutes into the incline. I started running out of breathe and felt a little weird. I asked my wife to stop by the bush/tree/thing so i could rest up for a little bit because i thought i was overheating (i was wearing all black: black shirt, jeans, shoes, socks). I just poured some water on my head, drank some gatorade and kept walking.

After about another 10 minutes of incline we got to a set of switchbacks that led to the top. It wasn't too many switch backs. I had definitely hiked not only harder trails, but longer ones. We got about 1/4 of the way up and halfway up a switchback when it happened. I got insanely dizzy and scared out of nowhere. My breathing became fast and uncontrollable. I literally thought i was going to die. All i wanted to do was get away from the heights where we were and get on the ground. People were hiking down towards us about 15 feet away, but i didn't care. I dropped to the floor and laid on my back immediately. I was covered in dirt but it didn't bother me. I was in full on freak out mode. My wife tried to console me but i was too far gone. I pleaded with her that we should head back down, that she should call a park ranger, that i needed an ambulance, SOMETHING. Luckily she kept her composure. She convinced me to at least finish the switchback so we could get out of the sun and into some shade. so i did. As soon as i got to the top of the switchback i fell to the floor and laid on my back. My wife told me to take my shirt off. I did. I used it to cover my eyes and tried to relax. I watched the rock climbers next to us climb, saw hikers walk past us, drank gatorade and poured water on my head. My wife kept telling me that i was going to be fine. Oh, but the worst part was, that a thunder storm was moving in, and we had about an hour to get up, over, and down to the other side.

My wife kept telling me i was going to be fine and that i could make it over the top. That i could do it and everything would be fine. Laying there on the side of that rock I honestly didn't believe her. I thought it was impossible and was sure i would die there. Even so, eventually my breathing and heart rate slowed enough for me to continue hiking. I pushed myself and did another 2 switchbacks, just trying to get it over with. But when we got to the top of the second switchback, it happened again. I got really dizzy, thought i was gonna die, and had to sit down immediately. luckily there was a small wooden wall at this one so i sat against it and tried to relax. I drank the last of my gatorade, and my water. At this point we only had maybe 4 short switchbacks to make it to the top. So to keep myself calm i used my hands as horse-blinders and wouldn't look down the slope. slowly but surely we made it. My wife led the way, keeping a steady pace as when i lead the last time i walked too fast and had the second attack. We made it to the top.

Unfortunately neither me nor my wife could admire the view at the top as i was still kinda freaking out and she was very worried about me. However, being at the top and away from that slope that i was sure was impossible to traverse helped a TON. I was still nervous and shaking, but i could keep focus on just walking now. On the other side of the rock it was surprisingly a lot higher. I was glad we took the long route because this side was a lot steeper with less room to pass people or stop to rest. The hike down was easier. I did have a few episodes where i would start to get really nervous and a little lightheaded, but i was able to control it enough to get down. Seeing the patch of green grass we passed bat the beginning of the hike in the distance definitely helped. I had to stop a couple times to regain my composure but i eventually made it. we got down, went to the car, and drove home. I did have a small episode while driving through mt hood but not as bad.

Since then I've been having episodes randomly. I have them at work while driving, at home on the couch, while trying to sleep, while walking to the grocery store, etc. I cant control it. and it sucks. I now understand what it means to have crippling anxiety. I had to call out of work because of an episode and i was scared it would happen again. i KNOW it will happen again. I just hope i can find a way to stop/reduce them. Self medicating with alcohol works for a bit, but i know its not good in the long run. I may have to see a therapist soon. I really really really really hope this isn't permanent. Its only been about 6 weeks and i’m ready to give up. I cant imagine living the rest of my life like this.

[frekdisco-blog]

Well.

Throughout life you meet people, happy people, sad people, successful people, poor people. And every single one of them is broken. Some have been damaged by losses, others by what they can't have, many by what people have done to them. You can try to fix them, but in the end they have to help themselves. They have to realize that not only are they special, they have a meaning in life just like anyone else and they will find it. Sometimes your affection goes unnoticed. Other times it's not enough. You do all you can but you still can't make them happy. There are tunes when they are angry and push you away, but that is when they need you the most. That is when they want you to hold them and tell them you love them. These are the most critical times to help someone overcome their troubles. This is where you learn what love is.