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My mindset and self confidence has changed a lot. Having my own place has definitely changed my outlook on lot of things. Thereās a lot I want to do now, like invite you round for dinner or go somewhere, anything really.
I know I need to accept that itās aĀ āincompatibilityā and that it wasnāt a mistake. But I know almost everything I did couldāve been done better, and shouldāve been. I know Iām living in the past as it was 6 months ago but I have been trying to just move on and try to forget it, but I canāt. It haunts me, how almost everything, I shouldāve done better, I have definitely learnt from that which should be satisfactory, but itās not good enough. I know life is always going to be a work in progress, that was definitely a lesson for me and I refuse to let any more opportunities pass me by, but thereās still a fragment of hope in me that I can make it up to you. I owe you. This continues to drive me. I know that this opportunity wonāt happen, and Iām getting my hopes up, but this is far more exciting than anything else. Iām focussed on that. I know that I need to keep that focus after closure. Perhaps closure will be even more invigorating? See there it is. I tell myself it wonāt happen, I try to drill it in constantly because I KNOW that is the reality, but my denial just wonāt let me accept it. Itās a pill I donāt seem able to swallow.Ā
I know that itās dramatically helped me. It pushed me to move out, it pushed me to exercise 6 days a week, it pushed me toĀ āmanage my financesā, it pushed me to iron my shirts, it pushed me to start actually learning italian to go on holiday. I want to expand my world.Ā
I also know that I need to keep this motivation til afterwards, and I pray the only thing I lose, when the day comes, is my incessant brain when I lie down in bed. Red wine does it too, or walking past the fat cat or your old place. God damn reading your name in the asset register hurts. like what the fuck?!
I need to get over it but I just cant. The 2 councillors Iāve had multiple sessions with just make me talk to myself which is as good as this blog does, except cost money.Ā
I need to get over you. Itās been 6 months for fucks sake. What the fuck. Fuck.
Fuck off, me
I will message you again one day, I donāt do it not because I donāt have the balls, but because I know Iām not ready yet. Iām trying my best to be the person I expect myself to be.
Ok fuck off byeĀ
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Iāve really been struggling the last couple of weeks. Mostly with sleep, but I canāt forget about the 12th. I canāt forget about you. I know itās completely pathetic and crazy. I have so much I want to explain, so many things I want to talk about and why I was completely oblivious, why I acted like that, or rather, didnāt act. It was entirely me, you sent all the signals I simply wasnāt set up to receive. Iāve changed a lot in the last 6 months, Iāve moved out, let my facial hair grow out.. radically different person clearly! /s I crave the chance to talk to you about all of this, but I also know that itāll never happen and I shouldnāt try. I completely lost my shit and nobody likes that. I keep realising more and more about that one night, and the more it sits in and I digest, the more remorse I feel. I canāt imagine the pain that put you through, and I really donāt know why it just builds up and up, each night feeling worse. I feel so bad about everything I did. I just wish for another chance at that same night. I wish I could just get over you, I have been trying so damn hard. I was hoping to have gone on a few holidays by now.. hah.. I need to expand my world and look for other opportunities and experiences.Ā
I fucking hate myself.
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I will never be good enough for you unless im good enough for myself. I accept that I've missed out on you and that chance is gone, I'll still try when im ready, but i need to learn to love myself before i can accept anyone else can.
I still think of you daily, the intense rush of feelings has finally started to drop so at least I feel a bit less of a totally insane creep. You continue to keep me motivated, and i cant thank you enough for lighting a fire within me. Thank you.
I really hope to see you again, I miss you, take care and good bye.
Ever in your debt,
Yours
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Im still going strong for you. No busses, moved out, new experiences, independent.
I think often about how much i want to see you, but i still dont think im remotely good enough. I know one can hesitate forever, but i have a goal, and thats to be confident enough. I know what i need to do to get there, and then im coming to see you. I know life is forever a work in progress, so it definitely wont stop there whatever happens, but this has been my all cknsuming train of thought aince december. I appreciate ya
Weird as fuck creep
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Given im high and drunk i just want to say how incredibly gratful i am for you and showing a degree of interest in me. I will absouletely fucking love you foreever for that and i know it sounds creepy but youre actually so amazing for lifting me so high.
I cant wait tille i have bpth the confidence and the body to feel worthy of you, but i understand ive probably missed that boat. Nevertheless i would absolutely love to take you to a most lovely dinner and fuck the shit out of you.
Drunkenness for the win hell yeah toure still the best woman in my life but its weird being told that so I'd say you're absolutely the hottest person and i have a raging hard on in every way, youre the nicest and kindest, you know youre unbelievably fucking sexy, youre comprehensive and thorough there's just no imperfections and im completely rucking mesmerised. I cant thank you enough for giving me fucking everything.
You're amazing. The most amazing.
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I am going insane. I really think im being sad cringe at the same time
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Iām a lot more accepting that itās okay for me to completely freak out like this given how my life was dropping and miserable until you wanted to have dinner with me. It took me by surprise and I am still feeling incredibly elevated, however to you it was likely much less of a big deal. I understand why I (am still) freaking out over you months later, so I feel more okay about being insane. I appreciate you probably donāt though. I still canāt thank you enough for lighting the fire within (hah gayyyyy) and not to sound rapey but I refuse to let it out. I have always needed drive, and youāve given me exactly that.Ā
Youāre amazing
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Cant help but think of you constantly still. First thing i think of wheb i wake up, last thing in bed. As soon as im no longer distracted, when I take a break, when im done with my break, whenever I exercise.
Its like everything I do for me, is for you. I know thats not a long term solution, but i cant help but be driven by it, by the thought of you. You set me on fire and it's still going months later, I know its sad, but it's amazing. Im probably being selfish but im still higher than I've ever been.
You're amazing
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I havenāt really realised as it hasnāt been a dramatic change, but Iām already feeling a lot more confident and happier. Some people have picked up on an attitude and a dress change which means Iām doing something right, I guess, forever a WIP but actually have done some progress. 10% lighter since I saw you.
Dove into a social event without really thinking much about it which is super excellent!
Regretting all of my brain leakage with you and just going absolutely insane, I mean, Iām definitely insane, but really regret most likely ruining any future chance of seeing you again. But fuckit, Iām forever in your debt and would love any opportunity to exercise my gratitude to you. Itās for my best, which I guess is kind of important. I respect that, but I respect you more, and whatever wishes you have. Youāre still being super nice so I think youāre just super amazing and completely lovely, but I think I can read between the lines. Itās okay. I understand. Iām much better, and I hope you are too but you were perfect to begin with so I doubt that.
For the future! For the .0001% chance I see you again! For the me that you believe in!Ā
I totally lost my shit, here I am continuing to lose my mind. Itās too easy to slip into a spiral of regret. That happened, Iāve definitely regretted things, spoken about them, accepted that moving on is the best thing to do, Iāve learnt from it, and I think thatās the best I can do and to be satisfied with it.Ā
Youāre pretty cool I guess.
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Itās like a wound that just refuses to heal. Something reminds me of you and it just gets opened up again, taking me right back to the day like it was yesterday. I understand I have quite a small world, so a small hit really makes waves. I understand where Iām coming from though, it was literally the first time anyone has ever wanted to go to dinner with me, I think that part Iāve accepted. Nevermind all of the regrets Iāve got, like not even realising it was a date until I was walking home, fucking idiot.
I will never be happy with any of my messages to you. Theyāre never good enough. Even if you were probably being quite blunt for you, I still canāt help but think about how incredibly gracious your messages are and how lovely that makes you, but I can never put it into good enough words that are worthy enough for you.
I am still on the positive, better path. Iām trying my hardest to go to every opportunity, vent my intense frustrations into exercise and working too hard at that, I keep being told to calm down but itās just never enough. Knowing Iām improving and accepting that life is forever a work in progress is not enough. I need to be confident. I need to find some magic, because I donāt think itās waiting for me in London. Perhaps this wound is something that Iām stuck with, itāll hopefully scar over eventually but I know itāll never truly leave. Youāve set the bar so high, I canāt see anyone else beating it.
Iām really trying to be confident so that the next person (if ever there is one!) doesnāt get some a shit and lame me. For both our sake. I wish I couldāve done so much differently on that night, but I need to live in the present and not let the past weigh me down. I am also still working on this, but I understand that itās the goal. Again, forever WIP, never enough. Sure, these things take time, and you can never make someone like you, but I need to have confidence and properly respect myself before I can ever expect someone else to. At least enough confidence to see when someone shows interest in me, Iām so incredibly sorry at how fucking stupid I am.
I canāt help but keep thinking about how valentineās day is approaching. I know itās super gay and cheesy, but I am pretty gay and cheesy. I know that itāll be a no, you were quite clear in your last message, but I still canāt escape the thought that thereās a chance, a tantalizing 0.00001% chance, and I keep thinking why not? Iād really love to see you again, but I feel like youāll be thinking Iām insane and expect me to go insane again, not to imply Iām no longer insane, but I know that Iāve gone from sweet to batshit bonkers and Iām working on this as well. I hate how self centred this is, but I need to have enough confidence and self love to not blind myself to everything positive around me, especially you. When I have this, hopefully one day āitāll be enoughā, I think the world will be my oyster. I dream of being able to express my feelings for you face to face, and not just want to cry every waking second outside of moments with you. I know itās completely insane, Iām really trying my best to change this and be less insane, but I know this takes time and this is something I still need to accept. Like the fact that Iāll probably never see you again.
I think youāre the most amazing person.
Frick.
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I didnt think I still needed this but I clearly do.
I often just feel really depressed at about 4-5ish. I am really trying to choose not to be. I just fucked up so much, I'm not sure what I even did right on that night.
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Selfish post
Thank you for everything you have given me. Yes I'm clearly batshit, but I realise I should get help, and you also made me even consider getting help.
Thank you for waking me up to the real world. I've always just been pessimistic and cynical and been antisocial, but you've shown me how much better it is. It's infinitely better that staying in, yes sure it'll often be shit, but that one in a million event will make everything worth it. One spark is all it takes. And it was the brightest spark, the most glorious light!!1!1! Nevermind just glowing... I guess when you feel like it
Thank you for filling me with love, you've certainly made me love myself. I cant forget that thursday nights feeling of bliss. Thank you so much, I had stopped giving a shit and honestly just wanted to stop existing by that point, most people have a good reason, but you gave me the best reason to live. That's pretty intense, so thank you for the motivation. I'm working so damn hard, I'm not sure if it's for you, for the 1% chance you ever want to see me again and be a smug bastard 'hey, look at what you made me do!' Or if it's out of respect and drive to improve. I think it's both.
Thank you for giving me something to believe in, me, you, the future, how incredibly riled up I am constantly just thinking about you. I'm really sorry that you said hi and now you're my god, I get that's super obsessive, creepy and weird, I'm sorry that I sent you massively overthought messages because I couldn't sleep. That was selfish of me, and I think made the chances of seeing you again go from 1% to .001%. But you didnt block me ahah! Wow who says that. What a dumb thing to be proud of. Hah, I didnt weird you out so much that literally dont want to ever see me again woo hah in your face!
.....
Yikes
Thank you for making me feel so full of life. Thank you for giving me your night. Thank you for asking. Thank you for changing me for the best. Thank you for making me want the best for you, I really care about you and would literally do anything but he ho that's a bit intense (and everything else isn't?!?!?!?!) Thank you for being so incredibly generous, I feel so rich! My heads still the size of a football pitch and I'm trying to deal with it. Too many Paul's. I'll update you when I meet him, he practices Reiki lol (dw I'm not getting reiki just the traditional pay to talk to me deal)
Thank you is probably getting a bit old now, but thank you for everything, tha k you for making me so grateful.
I'm going to join a sports club, idk which, I'm thinking squash or tennis. I know I'll need to be good at tennis to one day play you, so it may as well be that. Theres no harm in doing more though. I'm cycling daily, and I wont stop unless my bike breaks. Speaking of, I cycled to work and halfway back today before realised one of the break clamps was touching the wheel. I was really fighting myself to not be a bitch... speaking of motivation, I ran 5km twice in a row and then 10km. My ankles fucking hurt for a week, but that's what I wanted to do for (our) Christmas and I achieved it. Now I have a proper routine, but this is getting weird and turning into a gym selfie. I cant wait to show you the results.. a much more confident me is the plan, so I can say to your face how absolutely fucking amazing and gorgeous you are. But, that'll come from like months of silence so probably super weird, but maybe that just means you'll have forgotten how insane I am.. even if the messages are permanent and I wont delete those because that'd be being a bitch!
Again, thank you for not telling me to fuck off and blocking me, I think I might have gone doubly insane, given I'm already insane, but now that sounds like a guilt trip so shut up.
I really hope your week is going well and you're having so much fun exploring and going on adventures. I'm sure everyone will love you, its impossible not to. You're the brightest and most amazing person, they're so lucky to have you. I'm clearly jealous. And regretful. Didnt realise what was right in front of me because I chose not to look.
You're amazing, I really, REALLY appreciate you even if I dont know if I'll ever see you again.
I'm sad. Like, supper sad, it's so fucking bittersweet! But that's okay, you gotta have a little sadnesss to know when the good times come. We had some good times. Good night.
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You really dont know what you've got until you've lost it.
Grow some balls. Be grateful. Say yes!!!
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