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realizing in real time that i think i’m still the second pick and it feels bad. it feels really really fucking bad.

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god every time they talk i get so fucking annoyed. maybe i fucking, took my friend's words to heart too much re me being allowed to be a bitch because they literally sexually harassed me, now i just, cannot fucking stand to see them speak

it's absolutely not okay for me to ask my mod friend to kick them over this it happened months ago i absolutely should be over it now i just. fuck i hate when they talk. every word they type is so grating

part of me just, wants to block them, even if they stay in the server that might do me some good mentally. it also might start a fight but. fuck i hate seeing them speak

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every single time someone is mean to my friends i never forget or forgive. it doesn't matter if my friend is cool with them again, none of that matters. i will forever hold a grudge.

also i. did not miss this, honestly. they've always rubbed me the wrong way and i know that's a bitchy thing to say but whatever man

i didn't fucking miss this. i didn't miss either of them. and while i'm so glad they both apologized and cleared the air, i am never going to fully forgive either of them.

it's fine though, because i'm an adult and i can play nice. if i dealt with that fucking tech leader for two damn years, i can put up with these two.

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actually i dont think i can make that joke, they hate the word queer i doubt they'd take kindly to dyke

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i am such a bitch inside my head sometimes actually

i still go "uh-huh" every time they complain about someone crossing boundaries like. oh, oh so you DO understand, that it fucking SUCKS. and YET you STILL SAID THAT SHIT with your WHOLE GODDAMN CHEST with NO HESITATION

i. would fucking destroy their ass, if he ever asked me to. im a fucking attack dog, and am only being nice to them bc he is holding the other end of my chain. but if he ever points and says "bite" you best believe i FUCKING WILL

someone is mean to my friends and i promptly never forgive them ever. no matter how nice it seems like im being. especially if they never bother to fucking apologize properly

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sometimes i worry that people are just humoring me the way you humor a slightly annoying child

but she's giving me SECRETS because she TRUSTS me and like she said i ask whatever questions for my project that i want???? like????

i was so worried this project would end up being an annoyance but like. i think she's GENUINELY enjoying it with me and :DDDD

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sometimes sending messages is just desperately hoping you really have as good a handle on someone's humor as you think you do. bc if im Right he'll think this is the funniest shit and if im wrong

well. if im wrong im kinda fucked a little bit. but i THINK im right so. yknow.

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completely terrified that i was super fucking weird and wayyy overstepped by accident

godddd i thought i did everything right!!! i fucking. asked. if they were okay with it (they were!) i asked for references that i couldn't find (the provided them!) and they. seemed excited?? i even kinda implied what it was even gonna be?? when i mentioned the fuckin fic i was inspired by???

but it's been like 15 hours since i sent it in and. nothing. radio silence.

i. worry that three hours was too long to spend on a. meme drawing. i worry that my style is recognizable enough that they'll know immediately who i am

i. i just worry that i overstepped. and i'd love to just, write it off as an early christmas gift re the time spent on it, but if i get no response then, i dont know if they actually liked it or if i was SUPER fucking weird or

just. yeah. i realize i don't actually know them super well and im really worried that this is a HUGEEE fucking overstep and. god. maybe the accompanying message was weird of me. maybe i should have. just. not.

im gonna be stuck fucking spiraling until they response and that's not fair to them i. just wanted them to like it. i wanted them to go "oh fun!" not. not radio silence.

they seemed so excited,,,, that i wanted to draw their silly lil characters,,,, i worry i. wrecked that. or something. idk. hhhhhhhhhh

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FUCK THAT'D BE AN EVEN BETTER JOKE BUT THEY HATE THAT WORD.

". . . of what makes us so queer"

"plenty of things make us queer"

THAT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY. SHIT I WISH I COULD USE IT

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actually no i've already decided it's actually way fucking weirder i'm not doing this shit

okay this idea is either the most brilliant idea i've ever had or a true idiotic creation of my sleep-deprived hell brain

i almost forgot about this spare ao3 account. all i gotta do is change the icon and, it'll be completely workable

yknow im feeling the "this is dumb" really start to creep in even as i type this. hm.

i mean. the whole point. is that i dont want to make anyone uncomfortable. i. dont know if doing it via a secret ao3 account would, actually obfuscate that discomfort or if it'd just make it weirder

hm. :/

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okay this idea is either the most brilliant idea i've ever had or a true idiotic creation of my sleep-deprived hell brain

i almost forgot about this spare ao3 account. all i gotta do is change the icon and, it'll be completely workable

yknow im feeling the "this is dumb" really start to creep in even as i type this. hm.

i mean. the whole point. is that i dont want to make anyone uncomfortable. i. dont know if doing it via a secret ao3 account would, actually obfuscate that discomfort or if it'd just make it weirder

hm. :/

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writing concepts? removed from my brain

ability to draw my favorite character? gone

drive to write OR draw about it? vanished

augh i am SUCH a fuckup all the time

you ever fuck up so badly that you want to immediately stop doing everything related to the thing you said the accidentally fucked up thing about?

bc mood.

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you ever fuck up so badly that you want to immediately stop doing everything related to the thing you said the accidentally fucked up thing about?

bc mood.

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GOOD NEWS EVERYONE

they think it's fucking awesome and i am thrilled :D

alright now just. wait. for them to be back online and. see.

hhh oh god this is nerve wracking i already regret my whole life

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alright now just. wait. for them to be back online and. see.

hhh oh god this is nerve wracking i already regret my whole life

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augh i was just about to message them about it, then THEY messaged ME and started an unrelated conversation and now i have to wait to ask hhhhh

im actually like. a little worried, bc like i dont know him that well, and while im pretty sure he'd find it funny, im also not totally sure about it, and i dont want to get on his bad side bc i wanna be his friend sooo bad

yknow he would probably find it funny, but i seriously doubt that anyone else would

like im fairly certain he'd be okay with it, but i am worried about everyone else, bc the resemblance is gonna end up just a little bit uncanny

god idk maybe i drop it without commentary

then again maybe that would be worse

i dont know

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yknow he would probably find it funny, but i seriously doubt that anyone else would

like im fairly certain he'd be okay with it, but i am worried about everyone else, bc the resemblance is gonna end up just a little bit uncanny

god idk maybe i drop it without commentary

then again maybe that would be worse

i dont know