frncsfth-blog - Tumblr blog

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hey, it’s been like two months since we’ve spoken. I miss you a lot. not in the ‘oh i still have a crush on you’ type of miss, i miss our friendship. i miss our late night talks and inside jokes. fuck, we could’ve been really good friends. sorry that things couldn’t work out.

a letter to my almost ii // @openedjournal (via openedjournal)

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I’m writing to tell you   it hurts.   On the best days, he tastes like too much red wine and it’s only now that it is easier for him to tell you he loves you— to tell you what you wait/deserve/want to hear. After the bar, he fairytales into late night laughter and falling asleep bare-skinned. These have become the best nights, and my sweetheart, they come so seldom.   It is now that you avoid eye contact with the letters you wrote to yourself at fifteen; how she would shake her fists and tell me she grew up to be stronger than this– that we didn’t bruise to become softer, we didn’t love so damn hard because we wanted silence.   More than I can paint in letters, this hurts.   After you, I don’t know if I’ll ever trust again. After you, is a life I never pictured.

Schuyler Peck, I Will Cross This River (via schuylerpeck)

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Wanderlusting in dreams

There will always be a part of me wanting and longing the scenarios of unending joy rides of unplanned trips to where ever the ride takes us. Taking me to places I have not been to, yet or places where I’ll always go to. Probably it’s the part of me trying to search the places that seem odd or places that I don’t quite recognize. Maybe it’s the part of me being so adventurous or simply trying to satisfy my wanderlust. Wanderlusting if it’s a word. Or it’s the part of me wanting to run away from life. Making time tick by a little faster. Escaping reality. Reality that is trying to take over my whole life, but maybe all along I thought of life as a complete fantasy. Believing that of those in fairy tales where one snap and your wishes and dreams are instantly right in front of you. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the world really isn’t a wish granting factory after all. 

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I just dont understand, why of all lives out there, mine has got to be one of those screwed and fucked up life. It's kinda unfair though. I mean, i'm trying to make it better. The way I wanted to live my life. Trying to radiate positivity. But here comes mister life also trying to ruin every single plan I am making. Trying to put me down. And that's he thing about me, I keep standing back up. I keep myself strong. Or at least I try to tell myself I am. But am I really? I think my life right now is torn between holding on to whatever you have while waiting for every thunder storms and tornados to pass through or just let tornados get to you and get hit by lightning and stay outside in the heavy pouring rain. Either way, i'm still going to suffer the same way. Still going to get scared. But thinking on the positive side though, you could wait for it to end and start again, or you could just give up without knowing what good thing might happen after that storm. I wish I could tell you I am standing strong. I am smiling without faking it. I am not wearing any mask to cover up the fact that I am entirely made of flaws. I wish I could tell you I'm perfectly fine, not scared. But I can't. I really can't. Not because, I don't know how to, but because I'm just not okay. Really not okay. And i know people might say this happy go lucky girl at school who doesn't have these problems carried on her shoulders, but I'm not. Part of me tries to convince myself that I will make it or I am strong. But most parts of me contradicts it. It doesn't want me to. It keeps saying Im weak, I'm worthless. And it overcomes everything. Taking over every positive parts of me. And I am in need of help. I need help. Save me. Before darkness takes every hidden parts of me. Please. //fran -in a very depressive mood rn

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Sweet terror finally begins again

I could only remember 2 months ago, we were very excited about summer. And the thought of it as well. Like finally, we could take a very long break from paper works that would almost make our eyes look so much bigger. Well, the "eye bags nightmare" And wander anywhere without getting haunted by unfinished projects. We were finally soo over it. Or so we thought. My summer wasn't really that postable, and even worth sharing on my socials. Unlike other people whom i'd envy because of so on point quality photos and those grainy filmed photos of their summer. Fast forward, or super fast forward, summer was gone, with a blink of my eye. Boom! like how fast Flash is. I didn't even feel summer. Except for how summer was soo hot. Tomorrow, terror will begin again, more anxiety and back to basics. Late night schoolworks and worse, waking up so early to prepare. Like who'd want that? As for me, it really wasn't. My anxiety keeps killing me. The thought of school, the thought of tons of people being there. I dont really mind. But there has been lots of transferees in our school for Grades 11 and 12. Ugh! Brain keeps saying 'No to socializing'. I'll probably be staying inside our classroom for like the whole day for 10 months. Yep, that is how im so not in favor for socializing. It's crazyy. But, we dont really have a choice. Dont we? Sooner or later, we'd realize all of these will be paid off and we'd be happy for doing such things. But as of now, i'll stick to what im comfortable with. Unless it's between life and death already. But I'll try as well to step out of my comfort zone and jump out of my box and show society what i can really do. Best of luck to all of you students who'll start classes tomorrow! God speed! //Fran

[frncsfth-blog]

Sweet terror finally begins again

I could only remember 2 months ago, we were very excited about summer. And the thought of it as well. Like finally, we could take a very long break from paper works that would almost make our eyes look so much bigger. Well, the "eye bags nightmare" And wander anywhere without getting haunted by unfinished projects. We were finally soo over it. Or so we thought. My summer wasn't really that postable, and even worth sharing on my socials. Unlike other people whom i'd envy because of so on point quality photos and those grainy filmed photos of their summer. Fast forward, or super fast forward, summer was gone, with a blink of my eye. Boom! like how fast Flash is. I didn't even feel summer. Except for how summer was soo hot. Tomorrow, terror will begin again, more anxiety and back to basics. Late night schoolworks and worse, waking up so early to prepare. Like who'd want that? As for me, it really wasn't. My anxiety keeps killing me. The thought of school, the thought of tons of people being there. I dont really mind. But there has been lots of transferees in our school for Grades 11 and 12. Ugh! Brain keeps saying 'No to socializing'. I'll probably be staying inside our classroom for like the whole day for 10 months. Yep, that is how im so not in favor for socializing. It's crazyy. But, we dont really have a choice. Dont we? Sooner or later, we'd realize all of these will be paid off and we'd be happy for doing such things. But as of now, i'll stick to what im comfortable with. Unless it's between life and death already. But I'll try as well to step out of my comfort zone and jump out of my box and show society what i can really do. Best of luck to all of you students who'll start classes tomorrow! God speed! //Fran

[frncsfth-blog]

i feel you.

[frncsfth-blog]

In another universe avocados are my favorite food. In another universe flowers grow upside down and in another universe it’s 7am on a thursday and I’m waking up next to you.

Somewhere We’re Together Again (via loviely)

this is really nice tbh

[frncsfth-blog]

Too young, too soon

"What do you want? –you." And as these words run through my mind, I know I shouldn't let these words sink in me. It was bitter sweet at the same time. It was like a lovely melody with an off key. It was terrible but audacious. It was for sure not an instinct. It was outrageous. I guess. I'm too young for those words. Is it love? I'm too young for love. I do not want to be involved with such things, I was weak, vulnerable. Yet. I'm too young for heart breaks. I'm too young for you. //Fran

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That time of the year.

It’s that time of the year again where students finally get to sleep late not because of home works, but because they just want. When they could finally binge watch their favorite shows and scroll through their Instagram feed nonstop. Be sleep deprived and their eyes almost falling off from their sockets and carry not only bags but maletas instead.

I, on the other hand have been so much excited about summer. Before. But now, it’s like I’m poised about having plans for the summer or prefer rather being at school. Doing nothing than staying at home, doing nothing as well. And in simple words, that’s just how messed up and crazy my life is. Summer will come either way, and I’ll be doing what I always do during school days. That’s why I’d rather be at school. My life will literally be the same. Except for the fact that, home works won’t be a reason for me not to be able to sleep.

When I was little, summer would be like the most wonderful time of the year. Like, we’d go to my Grandparent’s and be there for 2 months without my parents. It’s really like freedom. And I thought I’d have so much fun being at summer –paradise. Maybe because I was very little as well as my brain, not being able to think that I was merely growing up. I had not thought a single think about growing up.  All though I  was having so much fun during those times. I would always cry and go crazy whenever my parents came over and pick me up.

You won’t even believe I had my “summer time love” well, it wasn’t really love. I’m too young for that.  Infatuation you should say. Or basically just kid’s play, you know games and teases. It wasn’t really such a big deal though. Not until my sister tried to tease me in front of my parents. I’d get really embarrassed.

I never really thought growing up would be this fast. Like in a blink of an eye. Snap! I’m this miserable 15 year old girl trying to find myself. Summers aren’t my thing anymore. Maybe they are, but not as they were before I was that 7 year old. My life revolves around books and my phone and being locked into my own room. I’m trying to make time travel so fast just to finally get over it. Finally, get done with it. Die, like what normally happens to most – all people. But maybe I’m still trying to find myself. Find the reason why I am living. And maybe “that time of the year” won’t be of big help finding myself.

 //-Fran

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It’s been so long since i had a whale of a time. I’ve been dealing with major stress these days. I am having terrible anxiety attacks. And i have never thought i’d be able to reach this far. I’ve survived. I have conquered 15 years of fear. 15 years more, i’d be living the life i always wanted. Hopefully.

Now, Our finals just finished and tomorrow will be the deliberation of outstanding students at school. I’ve been praying so hard, hopefully i’d be one of them. 

It rained so hard a while ago and i had nothing to do since school just finished and I’ve completed all requirements, no notes for me to scan. I had nothing to do. I could say. I’ve been scrolling down my Facebook feed 10 miles per second. And opened few social media tabs on my computer. 

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I may destroy you

I saw you again today.

With that sweet smile on your handsome face.

I wish I can go near you

Wrap my hands arround you and say what I really feel

But I guess I can never do that

I’m shy

Even if I wanted to aproach you, I cant even try

The pressure of going near you is inevitable

Your friends’ peircing stares

I remember your cute giggles

That sends a smile across my face

The way you laugh

How I wish I was in your embrace.

Dear Mr. You.  

I wish to say one thing

I love you but I need to let go

I want  to be with you

But it seems too farfetched

I cant

I wont

I shall not

Because if I do

I may destroy you.

[frncsfth-blog]

Always see the bright side.

//Fran 

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Thoughts of an Introvert - 1

Think of me as that discreet girl you find in school. The girl who barely talks,seldom goes out with friends, never been to any Friday night parties. The silent one. But, see, i have this wild, -very wild mind.

I may be the shy one, but believe me, my mind has talked and met a lot of people already, and has created so many scenarios and imaginations.You’ll find me either at the corner of the classroom scribbling, or curled up in my bed with a cup of coffee. You may think, that’s only what i’m capable of. 

My mind is occupied with a lot of deep thins., - thoughts, - colorful thoughts, some days, i just tend to over think. But, say, that over thinking helps me make my mind create ideas. And sometimes, it makes me vulnerable making me fall hard into being depressed.  They say, most introverts are weak, but i’m the kind who use my ‘introvert-ism’ as I call it,to build few ideas and as for example, the things i wish to do, goals, bucket lists. And as I type down these thoughts, one thing runs in my mind. - Who really am i?

//Fran- beginners thoughts ily

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THROWBACK! When in La Carlota.

I have been to few places, not because of enjoyments, joy rides, for fun, vacation, but because of some school contests and camps in which I am to represent. But one place made me realize the things i’m capable of.

La Carlota  is a fourth class component city in the Philippine province of Negros Occidental in Negros Island Region. 18 of us from our school were picked to go and join the Nation of Heroes camp. Another experience was to be treasured. I got to meet new friends. Experience a zombie apocalypse. (BASICALLY) And we got time to roam around the city. It was indeed memorable. And i couldn't get over the fact that I got to be free for a while and just forget the things that troubled me. I WAS ME. 

Waiting for another trips in the near future :) Travelling just makes me feel happy and free :)

//Fran-

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I’m wearing this social mask, and i pretend to be happy when i’m really not

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10:28 update

school tomorrow and im here