frogl3gs

[frogl3gs]

.

My cup is completely empty and we had agreed weeks and months ago that this time was mine to figure out what I need to do for myself. He even told me he and his therapist discussed this and he was happy that I was taking this time.

I threw him a pity party last night (we call them this sort of tongue in cheek but it just means we indulge in our bad feelings and that person gets to bitch and moan as much as they want - this is their chance to get it out of their system). I went and got his favorite food, his favorite ice cream, and I offered to watch some movies with him that have been on his list. He turned down the movies and ice cream and I listened to him complain for 3 hrs last night. All of this before making the post I made.

This morning I went and got him his favorite coffee and breakfast sandwich and encouraged him to take the dog and go on a long hike. He just left. I swear I’m not abandoning him. But I do feel like if I don’t take this time for me, then I’ll be abandoning myself. I’ve been seriously considering going on anti depressants/ anti anxiety bc my mental health has been getting in the way of me being able to work and exist.

I have so much decision fatigue from work, it’s exhausting being the person who has to know how to do everything. We’ve recently reached a point where we could hire someone to support and help me build the infrastructure needed so that CEO and I can take regular time off - a real milestone we planned around and wanted to get set up given the May timeline I had set that we were able to accomplish. That should lessen going forward but that doesn’t change the fact that every decision I make from what clothes to put on to what to eat to whether or not to go to the coast feels 10x harder to make and more effortful than getting out of bed in the morning for me.

I have not had a single, solitary day to myself since moving to Oregon. I am a hyper independent person (have been working on this) but I do think most people need days to themselves every now and then. I have not had any in a long time. On the weekends he does this thing that we have spoken about at length, even with a couples counselor, he can’t sit at home and do nothing. He can’t just be home and pull weeds or clean, he has to go out and do something. Well, I think I’ve been depressed or chronically exhausted (I’m working with multiple medical professionals at this point) and it is always an argument about me going with him. Stuff I don’t want to do but I have made concessions and gone because that is partnership, live music festival things, food festivals, huge hikes I’m not trained for and then sometimes I’m lucky and our interests align, bike rides I’m jazzed about, trash pickups and cleanups, casual walks around rich neighborhoods with a coffee + pastry combo.

But he just did it again. Wants to go on a huge hike I’m not trained for. My goal for these first few days was to rest and listen to my body and attend to my needs. I know this is going to sound so stupid but even as simple as drinking water when I’m thirsty and going to the bathroom when I need to. At work I am constantly on. I am building systems to fix this but that doesn’t stop everyone from needing my opinion every other hour. I have over 20 hrs of meetings every week. I’ve been working 60 hour weeks since last October because key people took their vacations or went on parental leave and I am the back up. Again we are right on the cusp of fixing this and being able to hire backups so that it isn’t me but this is the rough part of building a business. But also building a business where the people matter. The people come first!!! It is a privilege to be able to create jobs for others but the business has to run in order for those people to stay employed, especially in this economy.

So I’m pretty sure I’m going to go. I’m also mourning my imagined vacation in my own home. I need to put myself first over the next two weeks or else I won’t be effective when I return to work and I need to be effective or find another job. I need the space to recover and make my own decisions and tune into my body. I’ve held my own even basic needs at arms length for awhile and I can’t do that anymore without becoming even more sick.

[frogl3gs]

Hi. I stopped posting because I realized I was using this as a place to complain a lot and it was creating this sort of negative spiral for myself so I’ve been journaling a lot more. Anyway I need to ruminate and seek reassurance so I’m posting.

Today I was supposed to start a 2 week long vacation - just a stay-cation, maybe a night on the coast by myself, nothing fancy - just super burnt out at work (long, uninteresting story - bad boundaries, a personal problem I love to repeat).

So I’m like 2/3 of the way through my first day where I’ve told myself that I’m on zero time schedules and absolutely not pushing anything. Today I just give into my whims (as long as it doesn’t fuck up my sleep hygiene). So I’m not doing anything like laundry, cleaning, because I know I have time and will have the house to myself and I’m looking forward to the alone time to really be introspective and reset.

Welp. M gets fired today. For whatever fucking reason, idk. It is REALLY hard for me to have pity for him right now. He’s moping around (look- I GET IT) and in the back of my head I’m just like…..idk I don’t want to even type it out because I know it makes me look like a bad person. (I know I’m the villain here)

He just started this job, maybe????? A month ago? And in the transition of his old job to this job, his previous employer let him take his 3 weeks of vacation, plus there was a week before starting this new job. He got 4 weeks off, 3 paid, with another job lined up, no stress and did so much fun stuff. He was able to relax and really close that stress cycle.

I had two days off all of last year because like I said, bad boundaries. And this was the time that CEO and I agreed on I could take (he took 1 week over Xmas and then 10 days in March bc we agreed I could have 2 weeks at the end of May - my parents were supposed to come out but they didn’t). This was part of a trade off and I think totally healthy (from a relationship and work perspective, not a personal perspective), I could have taken time earlier but this is what I chose to do.

I’ve been questioning working at this company - not because of my bad boundaries but because I didn’t know if I was good at it. I have recently received a ton of objective reassurance that I am really good at this from outside third parties but there’s also the data - taking a company from less than half a million to multiple millions in revenue with an above industry average EBITA margin. I was promoted to COO ~9 months ago and was able to turn around a sinking ship. This all with *no prior industry experience.*

This 2 week leave I was going to take the time to just sit in silence and journal or art journal out my feelings and if I think I can really handle this job - do I think I can do the job without sacrificing my wants and needs? Can I be myself and do this job? I have a whole list of questions to respond to that I’ve spent the last 4 months compiling. I cannot do that with a crying man in my space!!!!!!!! Sucking out all of the emotional energy out of the room!!!!!

I have such a hard time connecting with my emotions that I’m seriously considering booking a room at the coast just myself for 2-3 days just to give myself the space. I have the money. I made sure that when we moved into our new space (we bought a house!) that I would set up our accounts and that the math worked so that we could live only on my salary if needed. He had been complaining about his previous job for so long I knew there was going to have to be a change.

And this was the time I set aside for myself to figure my own self and things out. I need the space and I think the lesson is that I need to stop putting it off and just take it and I don’t care if he takes it personally, he can talk about that with his therapist. I need space to figure my shit out and to rest and recover and so I think I just have to grab it and give it to myself because literally no one else is going to give it to me.

Anyway feel free to tell me your thoughts or what you would do. The prices at the coast are astronomical because I forgot about Memorial Day weekend so maybe I’ll find a place in the woods or something.

I might delete this at some point 🙄

[frogl3gs]

I’m obsessed with my life now. Also, leaves. Also, my dog.

[frogl3gs]

all done before noon!! walked to get breakfast lunch and groceries!!

[frogl3gs]

We got the keys last night. Movers are coming on Sunday.

[frogl3gs]

holding my own face in my own hands and screaming “there is no connection without an open heart! you must be brave! you must be honest! you must be true!” in the mirror

[frogl3gs]

Scoot was sprayed by a skunk last night :(. He’s fine and nothing even smells that bad this morning (we gave him a bath and cleaned up).

There were words with humans last night. And it shouldn’t have been that stressful. Lots of yelling. One memorable quote while we were cleaning, “you’re in my house and no one is going to tell me what to do in my house”

Lol. Just absolutely screaming at the top of your lungs for something no one can control. I found some Airbnb options just in case it comes to that. It might.

[frogl3gs]

[frogl3gs]

I’ve gotten my hopes a few times during this process, but we 1000000% were the first ones to apply to this apartment and there’s NO REASON that we wouldn’t be selected.

My hopes are SKY HIGH currently.

[frogl3gs]

I am 👌 this close to falling down a keyboard rabbit hole and learning how to build my own

[frogl3gs]

The in-laws split half their time at their house and half their time at the daughters house providing live in childcare services.

My dog absolutely hates when they come home. He hasn’t done anything overtly but I know he doesn’t feel comfortable with them here. He doesn’t dream while they’re here, he’s not playful, he stays really close to Matt or me. All this to say that the vibes are OFF and I wish I could tell him that this will all be over soon and he can be safe and happy in our own place once again!!!!!

Them affecting him wasn’t really something I considered and I feel bad about it. I just try to give him more attention and take him on more walks and get him out of the house as much as I can. We are second in line for our #1 living situation pick so we should hear back soon.

[frogl3gs]

We got 14 peaches and I’ve been eating two a day!!

if i don’t get a farmers market peach before the end of the season i will simply perish!!!!!!!!!!!!

[frogl3gs]

if i don’t get a farmers market peach before the end of the season i will simply perish!!!!!!!!!!!!

[frogl3gs]

Sending in 10 rental applications today 🙃

[frogl3gs]

MIL just stands around staring. Comes around the corner and just stares at you. While she is on some drugs that make her a little out of it, they aren’t supposed to be mind numbing in this way.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why she does it. But it usually happens when Matt isn’t around. She’ll just come stand and stare at me lol. I used to say hello and she wouldn’t answer. Or she would just be like where did Matt go? nearly a full minute after I said something. And then she would just walk away while I was answering her.

Anyway I know I should be compassionate and I try to be but it is a bit unnerving to just look up and there’s a lady with stark white hair all over the place looking at you for god knows how long.

And like she’s still completely self sufficient and able bodied. She’s just on some mood dampening drugs. With that knowledge it sometimes feels a little idk aggressive???? For her to just stand and stare at me like that lol.

[frogl3gs]

Two days in at my new job. I’m working part time for now which is honestly a very great transition.

I can feel that I’m going to be good at it. It’s all of the things I really enjoy doing with none of the bullshit that I hated doing at my old job. There will be new bullshit of course but it won’t be things like ads and copy or landing pages and broken links - things that I really can’t get myself to care about anymore.

I believe in the CEO and what he’s trying to build. The work he does is good work and his foundation and our product is really, really solid. Probably some of the best in the game with as small of a staff as we have.

I’ve got a booklist I’m reading upon his request - a lot of pseudo science pop business books (one even says, “we have done our best to avoid academic concepts like theoretic frameworks and research agendas”) that I could do without but I suppose it doesn’t hurt. I’ll be scheduling informational interviews with people in similar positions that I’ve worked with before + ask them for their networks, if possible.

Of course this could all fall apart tomorrow so I’m treating this as a learning experience and here’s what I’ve learned so far- i really, really enjoy the process and systems work. Codifying, writing things down, making things work together, simplifying, creating roadmaps, making the wheels turn is what really makes my brain work.

So if nothing else, I know how I’d like to move forward.

[frogl3gs]

Tomorrow, I start work again. It’s been 3.5 months.

My values have never been so clear to me.