from-me-to-you-unsent-letters

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Viber: April 16, 2025 (Wednesday)

i think you're very busy. hahaha. i was just looking forward to seeing you and ranting hahaha. i can't seem to catch a break. there's a lot of things i wish i could tell you pero some of it will just ruin the peace and happiness you have right now so i'll probably not say it after all. but some of it i might ask jokingly. kunyari "grabe ka naman, ganon mo ba ako kinamumuhian?" or like "why do you keep pushing me away? do you not trust me around you? or do you not truct yourself around me? char" or maybe "congrats sa soft launch? hard launch? i saw your story yesterday pero kanina parang wala na or binlock mo nanaman ba ako? you happy?" things like that... i'll probably want to talk to you about it. just get to know you again.

i miss my friend. i wish i could talk to you again, like before. after you, i lost my safe space and i guess you wouldn't get it pero ang laking chunk yung nawala sa akin. i love my friends, don't get me wrong. i think, if i'm trying to explain it, it feels different telling you things -- even the trivial stuff. i really like talking to you and talking with you. i miss it. for a second, i let myself believe na after nung november meet natin, i'd get my friend back. how much damage have i caused in our friendship because i had feelings for you? that bad, huh.

i wanted to call you last night when i was having a hard time. i know na you were already probably asleep around 10 or 11 so i didn't call. plus, even if i did, i think it would not push through. i think blocked nanaman ako sa'yo. hahaha. am i really that bad of a person, of a friend?

i wish you're here. i know you're not so maybe that's why i was looking forward to the prospect of seeing you even for just a bit. you have absolutely no idea (and i mean that full body and soul) how safe you make me feel. i'm trying to find that again in different pastimes, work, people. suffice to say, haven't found anyone to match it yet.

i miss you. it's something i'll never admit again in front of you. but i do, i miss you. i miss how easy and safe it was with you. i miss how things felt right in place with you. i miss everything about us. and i wish i knew how it could have ended if we had tried. but that's something i'll never know.

it still cross my mind, yung thought na "why could he try dating somebody else but not me? what's wrong with me?" it's an unfair question. di mo naman kasalanan na hindi mo ako gusto enough to try and go out with me. unfair din siya sa sarili ko because i have taken care of myself for so long na i know na there's nothing wrong -- or fundamentally wrong -- with me. but i still can't help but think that way sometimes. lalo na siguro recently after seeing your story. i'm amazed by how easy it is for you and i'm still stuck -- going out any time i could para lang ma-distract sarili ko from thoughts and to prevent myself from crying. i'm still, and the only one, crying ng madaling araw while you sleep soundly. you get to spend time with friends and family and special someone without a passing thought about me habang ako, i look for you at the end of anything because you're still be the one i want to tell everything to -- the good and the bad. it sucks, this dilemma. i'm running out of options trying to distract myself. i think, all there's left is to pry my heart away from the steel grip of heartbreak and feelings and just feel nothing. i'm not sure how to do the prying thing, closest i could get was thump my chest so hard repeatedly while crying my eyes out. susunod ko na susubukan is to cut my heart out and throw it out to the fucking sea with anything and everything to weigh it down so it never resurfaces. ang drama ni tine hahaha. i know it sounds too much but for me it's not enough.

this sucks. i've told God over and over. i don't think He's going to do anything about me hurting. i just have to deal with it one way or another. it sucks. it sucks. this sucks. but i'm never going to tell you any of these. instead, i'll tell you about something superficial to hear your voice. i'll tell you something funny to hear you laugh. i'll keep all these for a chance to see you and spend time with you. and if you ask, "how is you?" i won't tell you the scary truth: i love you... still. and i'm sorry about it. i'm sorry about ruining what we had because of how i felt. i miss you everyday and everyday i whisper and pray "i wish you were here. i wish you'd find your way back to me." i won't tell you everything in between those words -- of how it hurts, of how happy things remind me of you, of how bad things remind me of you too, how everything around me reminds me of you and us and what we had. i won't tell you the scary truth, in part or whole. i'll keep it to myself to preserve whatever i have left of you. i can't say any of this so instead i'll say, "i'm fine. ikaw, how is you?"

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: February 20, 2025 (Thursday)

Henloo, Jo! 🐳

I haven't done one of these for a while. It must be nice to think na I'm done and over this, no? Na kaya hindi ako nagsusulat dito because I'm okay. Well, as you could see sa unsent-unspoken account, I'm not okay.

I wrote something sa ig for close friends kaninang madaling araw during break ko. How I wish I could tell you those things in real life. Instead, I would have to settle for the fact that you saw the story and just hope na you understand na it was for you. I mean, of course it's for all my friends, I really do mean it for everyone. But I wouldn't hide the fact that I wrote it because I wanted to tell you that. Hindi ko alam ano pumasok sa kokote ko to want to tell you that. I just do.

Nung Tuesday, I was having a really bad time moving and that every single breath feels so heavy. I wanted to cry every single moment. And if I looked inwards, I'd find you there, or rather the absence of you -- the reason why it feels heavy. After seeing yung story ni Ms. JM about her post-valentines with you and si CPA (with her jowa), seeing you out with your sisters with another girl na I know you were out on a date with, it sort of broke something inside of me. I thought I somehow patched a few things up, tied some lose ends from this feelings para hindi na ako masaktan. Alam mo na, na baka kahit papaano okay na ako kahit na miss kita araw-araw at gusto kong makita at makasama ka. Seeing that story broke whatever I thought was patched up. And I was back to gut wrenching pain.

It's not the first time I cried ever since you sort of came back. No. That wasn't the trigger. Siguro, I just thought na maybe a part of me already accepted na you'd go out and meet someone, and that when you do, I'll be fine with it. Akala ko lang... hindi pala. I was suddenly back to questions like, "Bakit hindi ako?" "Why do they get a chance?" I don't know, God doesn't really answer my questions and prayers. The story was salt rubbed against a wound. And I was already tired of life, of losing in life, and this sort of broke the camel's back.

I guess I just thought na if I gave you the space that you wanted, to find yourself and figure things out, then maybe you'd find your way back to me too -- na once you found yourself, you'll find me to pickup where we left off. But I guess not...

Anyway, na-sidetrack nanaman ako, as I was saying, last Tuesday, when everything feels heavy, I would silently talk to God. Okay, it was more like arguing with Him and telling Him na pagod na ako, na ayoko na, and I just wish he'd take me away from this world. I keep telling Him na I want to stop breathing. I probably wouldn't do it myself, but I would gladly die instead of living this life. At some point during the "conversation", nasa Ayala na ako and I was thinking na if makita ko si chichi (the last stray kitten I saw last week), or kahit anong pusa, it would be a sign na it's you and me in the end. But I never really got to the end of it. I'm not even sure if I remember it right -- kung "it would be us in the end" ba yung sign na yon or like "mamatay ako" or something. I don't remember finishing the thought though kasi I don't think signs are real. We only see what we want to see. Kahit na gaano karaming signs pa yan na ihampas ng mundo sa'yo, kung yun naman yung mga sign na ayaw mong makita, then hindi mo pa rin makikita. So I didn't finish the thought kasi alam kong nag-cleaclearing operations na sila sa mga pusa and, with signs not being real, the probability was slim so why bother? Sa may One Ayala pa lang, nakita ko yung pusa na dati ko na nakikita doon sa same place. He was asleep. Oo na, taken aback na. But I reminded myself that I didn't even finish the thought so walang meaning ang pusa na 'to. Plus, there were still a few cats sa may Ayala Triangle so baka naglakad lang papunta doon yung cats. I saw another cat, yung sweet cat na madalas ko makita dati malapit sa The Peninsula. Again, I tell myself it doesn't mean anything. I don't even remember what the cat was supposed to be a sign for. I didn't finish the thought.

A part of me wants to believe na even though I didn't finish the thought, the cats were actually a sign na it's you and me in the end. But, no. Again, I'm only just seeing things I wanted to see. It doesn't mean anything. God never answers my selfish prayers. And wanting you might be the most selfish prayer I have.

I'm tired of life. What's the point na bumangon at gumising araw-araw just to have the same outcome? Para lang laging matalo. My life won't change in a year or five. It might be different battles everyday, but I would always lose. I know na I have to accept that in this life, my life was designed to never get what she wants -- always just an almost, a "not enough" or "too much". Everyday is just a struggle. Every breath gets heavier and harder to bear. And I can't. I don't want to breathe anymore. There's no point. I hate this life. I keep wanting things, people to stay na hindi naman para sa akin. And I can't stop wanting that. Ang shit lang. If hindi naman para sa akin yung mga gusto ko, bakit ko pa nagustuhan? Like, Lord naman. Di ko na nga hiningi nung una ehhh. Bakit mo ibibigay kung di naman para sakin? Bakit kailangan kong magustuhan if hindi din naman sakin? I probably sound like a blasphemous catholic right now.

Can I ask you something? Would it be okay for you if I rearranged the stars in our favor? To go against whatever fate has decided wouldn't work. Would you be okay if I tell you na I want to be with you? Would you come with me? Run away with me, towards a place the universe can't reach? Where we get to try and be happy? Would you let yourself fall, just this last time, and I promise I'd catch you and it would be the last time you have to fall. And I'd stay. I'll be good. I'll be a saint. And I wouldn't ask for more. Just you and me. That's all I ask. Would you run away with me?

I miss you, Jo. 🐳 I know na you're on your journey and whatnot, but would you please find your way back to me? And I promise I'd stay. I promise you wouldn't have to go through it alone. Come back to me, please. I'm right here.

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

P.S. Lord, please give me a chance. Alam mong I wouldn't do anything to hurt him right? Just give me a chance, and you'd see. I'll be everything he deserves. Please, hear me out.

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: August 28 (Wednesday)

Henloo, Jo! 🐳

I've been trying to limit myself in sending you emails na hindi ko naman masesend. Maybe it's an effort to forget, maybe not. I'm not sure. I've been doing a lot of things I'm not really sure of.

I started my masters na sa Mapúa. I told you I applied around June, right? Well, tinuloy ko na rin and this month, nag-start na yung classes namin. Puro online lang naman so, that's good. I have three subjects. One sa Monday, Advanced Theories of Personality, one on Wednesday, Development of Psychological Thought, and one ng Saturday, Advanced Statistics. To be honest, feeling ko matatanggal ako sa program after this term. There is a lot to be read and alot to write. A lot of research involved as well. I don't know. I've been having a hard time trying to keep up with the outputs na hinihingi sa amin for the past two weeks. I've always known, even in college, na to keep up with everything, I have to work twice, maybe even thrice as much as everyone else. Alam ko rin yun nung nag-review ako for boards kaya sobrang disappointing sa akin before na walang pumapasok sa utak ko. Tipong iiyak na lang ako kasi wala talaga. Ewan ko ba. With Mapúa, wala namang residency yung program pero once na magkaroon ka ng grade below 2.00, tanggal ka na. Hirap in fairness. Ilang beses na kaya kong muntik bumagsak nung college kung hindi lang dahil sa curve.

I also signed my JO din with White & Case. I applied as their Learning & Development Admin. I know, it seems like a step down from what I was doing pero when I sent my CV, I was just sending it for the purpose of sending it knowing na I really don't have much funds to go on with. I also thought na baka mas madaling hindi ka isipin if maging busy ako. So, yeah... I got the offer at around second week ng August, the same time na nag-start yung classes. I didn't think I'd get the position nung nag-enroll ako. Plus, even if I did, I didn't have plans to declare it kasi masakit sa ulo. Sa lahat ng interviews na pinagdaanan ko, they would always become "off" kapag sinabi mong mag-mamasters ka eventually. They think na aalis ka kaagad sa company kapag ganon. Sucks but that the reality of applying, I guess. Pero I had to declare it sa White & Case kasi may onsite work ng Wednesday and Thursday and tatamaan yung isa kong class. After I declared it, they became hesitant in pushing through sa JO. They sort of made it seem like I wasn't giving them an answer f whether or not I'll push through sa position but I wanted to push through sa position at the same time as masters. At some point, I actually felt na parang "either this or that" yung offer. If itutuloy ko yung sa kanila, need ko i-drop yung masters. If not, then di sila tutuloy sa offer. I told them I dropped my weekday classes -- which I did for a moment pero I re-enrolled kasi sayang yung nasimulan. Plus, ang daming classmates so pag dinrop ko tapos mag-enroll ako ulit sa susunod, baka mas konti na yung mga tao and mas marami akong need i-report. So ayun, I'll start ng Sept. 18.

Sa dami ng pinapagawa sa masters, I thought it would make it easier not to think about you. I thought it might be easier na hindi ka maalala, hindi maalala yung tayo. I was wrong. You'd pop up, out of nowhere, and I would want to rip my heart out. Despite tons of readings, your voice, memories still linger and I'll find myself having a hard time focusing. I thought this distraction would make it easier. It hasn't.

Lumabas kami nila Rach at Nics nung Saturday. Pumunta kami sa Storya Kitchen + Bar sa may QC. They asked me why I took up masters bigla nung the last time we were together, work lang naman hinahanap ko. I couldn't look at them when I answered -- I know how they'll react when I tell them the reason. But I told the truth, "distraction." As expected, they were disappointed and exasperated na I'm still not over it, I'm still not over you. Well, they're not the only ones disappointed. They tried to keep my mind out of it. We talked about plans na mag-Siargao on October. I guess I'd have to take a leave agad. Making plans was fun. Ang tanong na lang is kung matutuloy ba dahil sa MPox at kung may bagyo ng time na yun. We planned to go ng October 24-27. I hope it coincides when you're gone. May Boracay kayo this October , di ba? Sa 60th birthday ni papa niyo? I hope it coincides with when you're gone para hindi ko maalala na wala ka.

Nung pauwi na ako, I couldn't help but cry. I couldn't tune out the music. Alam mo yung kanta ng December Avenue tsaka Moira? "Kung di rin tayo sa huli, aawatin na ang puso kong ibigin ka." It played loudly sa sasakyan. It's so easy to blame it on the music when truthfully, I've been keeping things bottled up for so long, letting very little out, and I just popped.

I think I am back to anger. Galit nanaman ako kay Lord. Nung nagsimba kami nung Sunday, I told Him na I couldn't understand why I have to get hurt over something I didn't pray for, I didn't ask in the first place. Kasi kaya ng ako naghihintay di ba? Hindi nagmamadali. Para kapag tama na yung oras, tama na yung panahon, tama na rin yung tao. I still don't understand I'm just hurting.

Ang dami kong gustong ikwento sa'yo. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin pero ni-isa wala akong pwedeng gawin. God! I wish you were here, Jo. I wish I could stop missing you and crying kasi andito ka na. Andito ka na ulit.

As I'm writing this, I'm waiting for my class tonight. It's 5:33pm. Baka mamayang 6pm pa mag-start. And instead of preparing myself for the report, here I am, missing you instead.

---

I finished my report. Ang haba lang ng pagsasalita ko. Parang umabot ata ako sa 1 hour na nagsasalita. I had the psychoanalysis and behaviorism schools of thought as discussion and psychoanalysis talaga yung pinaka mahaba. Hindi pa complete yun actually since hindi ko na kinumpleto yung psychodynamic theorists. I even forgot to turn over the floor to my next group mate kasi by the time na natapos na ako, pagod na akong magsalita. Then, I got a message from Maam JM after class asking bakit ang haba daw ng report ko. I don't know if it was just a question or judgment. With her, I never know.

By the way, I haven't told you pero I'm invited for a teaching demo and second level interview sa Cambridge University and Press sa Makati din. I still pushed through sa initial interview ko with them kasi during that time parang hanging sa balance yung offer ko from White & Case. I'm not sure what I should do about the invitation. Like, pupuntahan ko ba or wag na? During the interview kasi, I was really impressed with what they would like the person who'll take the role do. Plus, regular employee ka na kaagad pag-start mo pa lang. The position is HR Advisor on L&D. Mas in line siya with the L&D field na pwede kong pasukin if ever. On the down side, it seems like the position might require a lot of work. The responsibilities ng kukuha ng position would have to work hard para sa L&D part unlike yung admin role ng White & Case. I don't know, I'm just torn. Parang sayang din kasi benefits na meron sa Cambridge and it really seemed like a good opportunity. I'm not sure what to do. Pero kasi, the last time I forgone an offer for another na hindi pa naman sure, hindi naman ako nakuha. Yung dati sa PressReader. Umabot din ako sa final interview stage pero wala... Iniisip ko na baka mamaya, sabihin ko sa White & Case na "no" tapos di din naman ako yung makukuha sa Cambridge. Balik nanaman ako sa simula. I have to think about it and make a decision by tomorrow. The schedule for the demo is supposedly this Friday na. I haven't prepared for anything if I would actually go to the demo.

Nakaaway ko si mama ngayon. It was over a small stuff but I guess nag-explode ako kasi lagi na lang sinisita. It was over food. Habang kumakain ng lunch, I said a remark na bakit parang puro okra yung nasa bowl ko. I was going to transfer some kay Inah kasi hindi naman talaga ako fan ng okra. Tapos, she kept insisting na wag kong ilipat and kainin ko. Alam mo yung sobrang mapilit? Ganon. And then I shouted. I actually can't remember what I said. Probably something along the lines of "kumakain ako pero ang dami lang.' I really can't remember. Anyway, napasigaw ata ako ng malakas and sabi ni mama na wag akong high blood. Don ako lalong nagalit. I don't think I meant it to be something bad, yung sinabi ko na napalakas boses ko. I felt na after I said it, I was going to say na it was a joke or something. Pero nung sinabi ni mama yun, nagalit na ako ng tuluyan. Kasi bakit kapag siya okay lang na mamilit pero hindi ako pwedeng umayaw? Bakit sila pwedeng magalit tapos ako hindi? She kept saying na during her time, hindi niya pwedeng sigawan si nanay ng ganon. Nagalit lang ako lalo kasi hindi niya narerealize, kahit na ilang beses na i-point out sa kanya, na meron din siyang mali. Apparently, sa kanila, kapag magulang ka, hindi ka nagkakamali... or at least that's what it seems to me. I washed my dishes tapos di na ako bumaba. I kept myself isolated sa kwarto hanggang sa mag-class na. Even after class, di pa rin ako bumaba. I'm still kinda pissed and also feels guilty for my part. Alam ko lang na kung bumaba ako at mag-sorry, maiinis lang ako ulit if she insists na she's right. So hahayaan ko na lang for today. I don't know what will happen tomorrow.

Alam mo ba, during class kanina, I keep thinking na you'll suddenly cross sa background. Yes, granted naka-background si Maam JM ng Mapúa related background pero I just thought na baka lang dumaan ka, baka lang magsalita ka. Baka lang nasa kusina or sala siya and it so happened na you were there and makiki-chismiis ka sa class niya. I guess wishing for something makes it more likely na hindi mangyayari sa akin.I wish I could have seen you through that. Or heard your voice. Para kahit na sa ganoong paraan lang, makita at marinig kita.

I try to lie to myself na gusto kong maging okay na lahat, hindi na masakit, hindi ka na namimiss. Maybe if I tell myself that often, it becomes my truth. Maybe not the actual truth pero at least yung truth na panghahawakan ko. But, really, all I want is for things to be okay kasama ka. Hindi ka na mamiss kasi andito ka na. Because the truth is, I would still give up anything, in a blink of an eye, to rearrange the stars in our favor. Cash in my favors and requests sa universe at kay Lord to change fate. In the end, I still want it to be you. I still want it to be us. Maybe it's stupid and foolish to even think na I even have favors and request to cash in, especially with how I've been these past few months.

Bottom line, I still think I'm not good enough. I still think that I did or said something wrong. And I keep thinking of all the what ifs. I keep thinking of memories and a future with you -- one that is never bound to happen. At the end of the day, hindi pa rin ako. Hindi pa rin tayo. No matter how much I wanted it to be.

It's going to be okay... eventually. It's just hard right now. Masakit ng sobra. And I can't seem to hate you. I just miss you. I miss us. 💔

I don't know if I could blame the time (it's 1:41 am ng August 29) for feeling and crying this way tonight. Maybe I could blame it on pent up feelings. I don't know. I just miss you. I still want my happily ever after to be with you.

Do I even stand a chance against supernatural forces, fate, universe, kay Lord, and her? I would have fought for it. I would have tried. Hindi kita sasaktan. So fi I do have free will, I will use it for that. For you and me.

Putangina, Jo. Mahal kita eh. Mahal pa rin kita.

I miss you, Jo. Still. 🐳

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: July 31 (Wednesday)

Henloo, Jo 🐳!

A year ago today, you were still here… with me. And that was one of my favorite moments of 2023.

Naalala mo nung nag-meet tayo bago ako pumunta ng Bohol? Not exactly the day before. July 24 ata. It was raining. After nating kumain, naglakad tayo kasi naghahanap tayo ng Aice Ice Cream. Coincidentally, maybe, pag naka-Aice Ice Cream tayo, meron tayong napag staystayan, napag tatambayan. That was still the same. Pumunta tayo don sa shop na nadadaanan mo kapag naglalakad ka pa-review center. Kahit na malakas yung ulan, di pa rin nagpatinag sa ice cream. Remember, yung sweet corn na hindi masarap? I think that was also the first day na umakbay ka sa akin. We were sharing yung payong mo kasi tinatamad na akong kunin yung payong ko after natin kumain sa Angkong. Nung lumalakas yung ulan, you pulled me closer para hindi mabasa. Naalala ko pa nga na may kuya na naglakad taliwas sa lakad natin nung naghahanap ng ice cream na sabi, "Hoy, maaga pa!" HAHAHAHA. We even stayed and naki-silong sa tapat ng apartment mo kasi lumakas ulit yung ulan. Tapos may mga kuting don. You offered to get me a jacket pero sabi ko wag na.

I thought you wouldn't pick me up. Kahit na maganda yung panahon sa Bohol, maulan sa Manila. I remember us saying something along the lines na kapag umuulan, wag na lang. But that Monday, the day na uuwi ako, the weather was okay. And then, you insisted. And, yes, I wanted to see you then. I would have waited the rain out (if umuulan pa non) if it meant I got to see you. Buti na lang tumila ng mabilis yung ulan. I was so happy na you actually picked me up. I wanted to tell you all about the trip.

Behind the mask I had nung nakita kitang naglalakad papalapit sa akin, I was smiling. I had this urge to run to you. I mean, I didn't pero I wanted to.

On our way home, nung sinabi mong ibababa mo na lang ako somewhere kapag umulan dahil wala kang extra na kapote, I wished na hindi umulan. I didn't want out time cut short because of the rain. It didn't. Well, until dumating tayo sa may Fisher Mall banda nung bumili ka ng tubig sa 7-Eleven. After that, bumuhos na yung ulan. Akala ko papaalisin mo na ako. We decided to wait it out sa Dunkin' across the street. (Share ko lang, when I looked it up, sarado na yung Dunkin' na pinagstayan natin.) We were there for hours just talking and catching up. I showed you photos of my trip tapos pinakita ko rin sayo yung papershoot camera ko -- that's where our first photo was ever taken. I never gave you a copy of those. Maybe I should send you our photos. I mean, it wouldn't matter kung anong gagawin mo doon pero para lang may copy ka. But, those were my favorite photos lalo na't ikaw ang kumuha, ikaw ang kasama ko. I wish we could have stayed there, but, alas, the rain stopped and we had to get home. Thank God we still stopped for ice cream sa favorite spot natin. I got to spend a little more time with you.

I know na this was also the night when I apologized for the joke I made na na-offend kita. I felt so bad about it na it was just at the back of my head all the time. You deserved a proper apology for that. Sobrang nahihiya ako sabihin sa'yo kaya binaba ko yung visor mo. That night, I didn't want you to let go nung niyakap mo ako. That night, I wanted you to mean it every time you said, throughout the time we had together, na you missed me. I wanted you to stay a little longer.

It's been a year. I wish I could hold the memory close to my chest and just blend into the memory and re-live it over and over and over -- simula umpisa hanggang dulo. If I could, I want to spend the rest of my life being with you, even if it meant staying in that time alone.

I miss you, Jo. I am at a loss for words. Hindi ko na alam.

Masasanay din ako na wala ka, na hindi ka na hinahanap, na hindi na nasasaktan. Masasanay din ako, pero sa ngayon, I miss you. 🐳 I love you, Jo. 💜 Always. ✨

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: July 30 (Tuesday)

Henlooo, Jo 🐳!

Guess nothing's going my way this year. I think today just solidified na the things I want are the things I won't get. I just got an email from PressReader saying na hindi ko nakuha yung position. Hmmm.. sayang. I really liked the position though. But, as I've said, I didn't think I was able to be convincing enough during the final interview. So, I'm back to square one, looking for something good enough para sa grad school and savings. Anyway, there's that.

Have I told you about an offer I got last month? It was way before PressReader. I applied sa isang company as HR Coordinator based in McKinley. I got a good offer and the hiring manager from US, Cherri, seemed to like me. I turned down the offer kasi as I reflected on it, paran hindi ko kaya yung night-shift. But, after I turned the offer, they revised it and gave me a higher offer na 42k per month + night differential and other benefits. It was a good offer to be honest. If it weren't night duty, baka kinuha ko na kahit na araw-araw ko need mag-punta sa McKinley. Okay pa siguro kahit mid-shift, di ko lang talaga tingin na kaya kong mag-function ng gabi. However, now, in hindsight, baka dapt kinuha ko na lang yung work para meron na akong nasisimulan i-save. I don't know if I could have done a good job pero, it was a good amount of money, right?

Nag-try ka na ba ever magpa-counseling? I've been thinking about it. I mean, hindi ko afford right now pero, I've been thinking about it. You know what was the first thing on my mind this morning? "Something must be wrong with me. I need someone to fix me." Nahirapan akong makatulog kagabi, halos 2am or mag-3 na ata ako nakatulog. Not a good night sleep for a long time. I think my eyes have gotten used, or are getting used, to waking up from falling asleep crying -- swollen eyes, bloodshot, tired. I've lost track of how long I've been crying last night. I've thought about actually talking to a professional. I've tried calling don sa mental health phone line ng NCMH before pero nagcucut every after 12 minutes. Plus, I think more than half of those accumulated minutes umiiyak lang ako. Maybe a therapist has the answers.

I've been trying to distract myself from the different thoughts that would creep in. You have no idea how much I try to keep thoughts of you at bay. Still, to no avail. Somehow, some way, kahit na anong gawin ko, it's not distracting enough to keep the voices, thoughts, and memories away. I would end up crying doing other stuff and the tears won't stop. I wish it was as easy for me as it is for you.

Do you miss me? Did you ever did? I would get flashes of memories, hear your voice. I've been remembering how you used to tell me you missed me. Was it true? Is it still true? It's probably insane to even think na you miss me too. But I kind of hope you do.

I saw a writing I did before. Undated pero baka it was somewhere between 2022 or early 2024 (although I don't remember writing it this year). I'm not sure what was going on in my head when I wrote it pero I just wrote it in a piece of scratch paper. A line on it goes:

I'm made up of a lot of things but never the right thing.

It's still true now, isn't it? I could be anything but just not the right thing. Just not enough.

One of my classmates from college recently got married. Hindi ko na nakwento sa'yo pero good friend si Fame, lost touch after college. She went on and did medicine. Isa siya sa mga "wild peeps" namin sa block. I actually thought na hindi siya mag-assawa. Probably, two years ago, may nagmessage sa gc ng block na gumawa raw ng congratulations video para sa kanya kasi that Christmas pala nagpropose si jow niya. Si jowa ay not in med tapos di rin yun isa sa mga guys na dinate niya nung college. I'm really not sure how they met but they just got married nung Sunday and graduation niya from med kanina. Nakakatuwa makita si Fame kasi she looks different, good different. I'm happy for her. It does make me selfish, self-centered, and envious kasi napapaisip ako na buti pa siya. I uave other batchmates from St. Scho who are now married, not necessarily with kids. Nakakainggit. It makes me think if it would even be possible for me or ang role ko ba talaga sa buhay ay maging pansamantala.

When you're made to feel na hindi ka enough, na hindi ka worth it, that shit stays with you especially if the person you like is the one who made you feel that way. You've told me before na she made you feel that way nung nag-cheat siya. Can I ask, bakit siya pa rin? Bakit hindi ako? Can I ask kung anong meron siya? Why is it that after all that, after ka niyang saktan, bakit siya pa rin? Anong lamang niya? Anong mali sa akin? Anong kulang? Am I really that bad, Jo? Is it really so bad to try with me? If I would have been more like her, would you have tried? If I was anyone else, hindi si Tine, would you have given me a chance? Is it really so bad to be with me? Sobrang flawed ko ba beyond repair? Sobrang hirap ko ba talagang mahalin at piliin?

If I would be reincarnated, I'll ask God kung pwede niya akong gawing pusa or aso — basta hindi tao. Just something, someone, na minamahal, pinipili. Yung mabilis sanang mahalin at pinaglalaban.

I still wonder if any of the things you told me were true. I wish it was. I wish it's true enough for you to take a chance on me — on us. I miss you, Jo. That hasn't changed. 🐳

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: July 29 (Monday)

Henlooo, Jo 🐳!

It's been over a month since the last time I wrote an email. I've been writing through other means though. Communicating through other ways. Mostly talking to air.

I've been having a hard time trying to pretend na okay lang ako. With the recent flooding and stuff, people just assumed I was tired from it -- buhat, luto, cleanup. Yeah, maybe. Honestly, though, I thought na dahil sa bagyo magiging enough yun para makalimot -- kahit saglit. I thought that maybe it would be a good enough distraction to not think about you as much. God, was I wrong.

Share ko lang, nung bumaha, ako yung taga-buhat. Kargador pa rin until now. Hahaha. I think, for some reason, they assumed na dahil ako pinaka matangkad sa amin kaya ko rin magbuhat ng kung ano-ano. Well, I guess I could. But, under the recent circumstances, I was weaker than I once was I think. Kung last year siguro baka kaya ko pa… I just haven't been eating well. The huge appetite is gone. I haven't been sleeping easily. Basically, my physical health is not at its best -- I'm not well overall.

I asked for a reschedule for most of my interviews from last week. After bumaha, hindi ko na nasagot yung mga phone interviews tsaka scheduled interviews. Nag-sorry na lang ako sa kanila and tried to explain the situation. Mukhang magiging full this week yung interviews so, I guess that's a good thing.

By the way, I applied for work sa PressReader and I'm hoping na makuha ako. I had my final interview last week with their COO na HR talaga background. They are looking for L&D Specialist na individual contributor. I can't say na I'm confident with how I answered his questions nung interview pero I like the company. It's located sa Makati pero hybrid setup sila -- 2 days office, 3 days work from home. Ang office hours lang nila is 7am - 3pm included na lunch break don. Oh, di ba, daming time? The position sounds intimidating though. I'm not sure I am being seriously considered for the position. Sana makuha, pero if not, baka kunin ko na yung next offer I'll get -- whatever that may be.

I'm getting slightly paranoid na wala pa akong work. Mostly because mag-stastart na ako ng master's pero wala akong pang sustento sa sarili ko. I can't and shouldn't rely kay mama when it comes to my expenses. I should have work na.

Enrollment na next week (start ng August 6) and alam naman nila na mag-masters ako, hindi ko pa lang sinasabi sa iba. Nakakakaba, honestly, kasi di ko alam if tama ba ginagawa ko. Hindi ko rin alam if gumagana pa ba utak ko enough para mag-take ng masters. What if sa first day pa lang mag-ask ng questions on stuff na I should know from back in college tapos wala na akong maalala? Tsaka, ang intimidating kaya mag-grad school. Nakakatakot. Well, like everything else I'm doing in life right now, I'm mainly doing it as a distraction. I'm not really doing it for the right reasons.

Heyy, I also wanted to say, I'm sorry about chanchan. Nakita ko yung note ni Maam JM nung nakaraan and I was tempted to send you a message -- make sure you're okay. I know how much chanchan meant. Kahit di mo aminin, feeling ko naman si chanchan mas favorite mo kesa kay nomnom. Alam naman ni chanchan na mahal mo siya, na mamimiss niyo siya. He's one loved pet. I'm sorry it happened a week before your exams. Also, I'm sorry about the exams. You must have worked hard for it. Baka nakadagdag din sa alalahanin mo yung nangyari kay chanchan. I'm sorry both things happened this month. I could only imagine how much it sucks. Maybe I could send you a virtual hug? 🫂 I'm really sorry about those.

Nasa Netflix na yung "When I Met You in Tokyo" -- yung dapat papanuorin natin nung January. I couldn't bring myself to watch it. In fact, I couldn't bring myself to watch anything na may touch of romance. I've been mostly watching crime documentaries as a distraction. Kahit pag-rewatch ng sitcoms hindi ko magawa. Things just remind me of you -- some more than others.

May pinanuod sila tonight. I avoided watching it knowing na may romance sa genre nung movie kaya sinearch ko na lang yung plot. It's called "Wonderland". Through an AI generated environment, may service para sa mga tao na makausap yung mga taong mahal nila kahit na namatay na sila. May isa don na mag-lola na kinakausap yung mom nung bata kasi di alam nung bata na wala na yung mom niya peor yung lola alam. Parang way to preserve the memory ganon. May isa naman na yung boyfriend niya na-comatose and nag-avail siya nung service na kunyari nasa space yung boyfriend niya and hindi pa makauwi. Cool, right? In the end, nagising yung boyfriend, tinerminate ni ate girl yung service niya, and they tried to relearn/get to know each other ulit. Yung sa bata naman, nalaman niya na namatay na mom niya pero di nila tinerminate yung service kasi gusto pa rin nila may nakakausap siya na mom niya. It's a nice thought na you could preserve and keep the conversation going with your loved ones.

I've thought about yung premise nung movie. I would have probably availed one. Parang tanga, no? But, I think I would have wanted one if it meant I could get to talk to you. Yes, meeting you in person is not in the option pero, at the very least, to hear your voice, to see you through a video call, to talk to you, that would be enough. I could still pretend na you;re here. Pwede pa akong magpanggap na andito ka pa, na hindi ka umalis. Maybe I wouldn't miss you as much.

Can I ask, kelan mo pa ako inunfollow? Why? Did I do something? I know na naka-follow pa rin ako sa'yo pero inunfollow mo na ako. I found it out the hard way. I was supposed send you a message sa ig about chanchan. I was also on the lookout if may note kang ipopost or story. There was none. I checked your profile and then that's when I saw na hindi na ako naka-follow. Ang babaw no? I started wondering since when and bakit pero I don't have any answer. I guess I won't know the answer, right? Ang sakit lang. I just thought you never would. I thought you still considered me as a friend. I just thought I meant a little bit enough for you to want me in the loop. But I guess I thought wrong. I guess it was extra hard on me, finding out about it, kasi pinamukha mo lalo sa akin na I'm just a thing of the past. Ganon lang ako kadaling kalimutan. Ganon lang kabilis to cut ties with me. It's so easy for you. I wish I could say na it's easy for me too, but the truth is, I'm writing this all down kasi it's not easy. It's been really hard on me and ako lang yung nahihirapan.

Sige, ako na yung tanga. Ako na yung tanga kasi at the end of the day, ikaw pa rin gusto kong makausap at pagsabihan ng araw ko. When things happen or don't happen, I want to tell you first -- no matter how mundane it might be. Ako na yung tana kais kahit na okay ka na, kahit na masaya ka na, ako yung hindi. Ako yung nahihirapan araw-araw. Everyday is a battle to not reach out, to not call. Hindi mo alam kung gaano kahirap bumangon sa umaga araw-araw. Hindi mo alam how much it hurts. And, yes, a part of me hope you never have to experience this (again), but a part of me wants to make you understand just how much I miss you.

I try to tell myself na maging okay na kasi okay ka lang na wala ako, masaya ka na wala ako. My heart has other plans. Of course I want you to be okay and happy. But, I guess, a part of me wanted to be a part of it. Tangina kaya ng feeling makita mo yung taong gusto mo na masaya kahit wala ka. Sa araw-araw na ginawa ni Lord, araw-araw ko pa rin tinatanong kung anong mali sa akin, kung bakit hindi ako, kung bakit okay ka lang na wala ako. Naiinggit ako sa'yo, Jo, kasi it doesn't seem to bother you na wala ako. Naiinggit ako kasi masaya ka kahit na wala ako. Wala bang option na ganon sa laro ng buhay, na kapag yung taong gusto mo masaya na sa buhay, babalik ka na rin sa dating ikaw na masaya at hindi nasasaktan?

These letters, the tumblr posts, the recordings, yung mga conversations sa hangin or kay Lord, no matter how many times kong ulit-ulitin, it wouldn't change anything, right? Wala namang magbabago kahit malaman mo kung gaano ako nasasaktan, kung gaano kita na-mimiss. Wala namang magbabago kahit na malaman mo lahat ng mga binulong ko sa hangin, mabsa mo man ang maga 'to. Nothing's going to change. Hindi pa rin ako. Hindi pa rin enough. Hindi pa rin madaling mahalin at piliin si Tine. I understand. Nothing's going to change.

It's 1:27am ng July 30, 2024. I've been writing a lot of nonsense you'd never even know.

I miss you, Jo. 🐳 A part of me still wishes you liked me enough to try. A part of me still wishes you'd come back. But, a part of me just wants to cut my heart out, bury it deep or toss it out to sea, and erase the past two years. Fuck, I miss you. 🐳

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: June 21 (Friday)

Henloo, Jo 🐳!

I haven't written an email for a while... I didn't feel like it. Don't get me wrong, I've been writing sa tumblr and making videos/recordings on how I was feeling. Overall though, not doing well. I sometimes wouldn't even have time to record anything -- I'll just cry.

I guess it hasn't been the best year so far. Sa loob ng 25 years sa mundo, this is top-tier painful. Nothing like it.

I'm not going to tell you how many times I've cried this past week. Honestly, I've lost count how many. All I know though is that I've been crying and cutting. The cutting, not everyday naman, but the crying... let's just say I haven't been able to get through a day without one.

Why am I writing? I have no idea. Nope, that's a little bit of a lie. I'm writing kasi gusto kitang makausap. That hasn't changed, really.

I have a bad night kagabi. While writing down my thoughts sa kwarto, I just broke down. I tried to walk it off, pacing up and down sa kwarto. Wala pang isang buong lakad, I got weak on my knees and just broke. Mag-isa ako sa kwarto naman since last week so hindi naman ako naririnig ng kahit sino na umiyak. I have to admit though, it was a hard cry. I don't know if you've ever felt something like it -- kinda wishing na hindi -- na tipong hindi ka makatayo. You could just feel yourself sliding down sa lapag, shaking, crying, unable to breathe. Every inch of your body is struggling to keep you alive because the pain is just unbearable. The pain transcends just being an emotion but actual physical pain. That explanation is far from the reality of it, but it's the closest I could get to describe it.

I've been asking Lord to make it stop. Kaaway ko kasi siya ngayon eh. Nagagalit at nagtatampo ako sa kanya. Di kami bati ngayon. Maybe that's why He wouldn't make it stop. Last night, as much as I wanted it to stop, it didn't. Tear-stained cheeks, bloodshot eyes, weak knees... I just didn't have the strength.

I've been trying to preoccupy my mind with different things. Pinapatay ko na brain cells ko para mag-deteriorate early yung utak ko. Maybe that would make the memories and the pain fade faster. Still, nothing works. I try to keep three screens on at the same time to numb things down. But, after six months at home and the things I'm going through right now, I can't seem to find a show or movie or even a white noise that wouldn't inadvertently remind me of you or us. Sabi, di ba, na iwasan yung mga nakaka-trigger ng memories at ng emotions associated with that person? That's easier said than done. If we had done things na out of the ordinary, maybe that would have been easier. Pero ang mga ginawa natin together are the mundane things. So, ibigsabihin ba non titigil ko na mag-hugasa ng pinagkainan dahil it reminds me of you? This might sound cliche pero every breath I take essentially reminds me of you, of us, of things that hurt. More importantly, it reminds me how you are no longer here...

I have a song stuck in my head...

Pumasok sa utak ko yung kanta kanina pagkagising and I've been trying to tune it out. Masyadong masakit. (I, admittedly, cried sa lyrics.) It's fucking painful...

Pets as distraction is not effective. I know you don't like dogs but I think you'd like them if you get to meet a lot more. Parang kung paano ka naging okay sa mga pusa. Our senior dog, si Summer, ay 11 years old na. Yung anak niyang natira, si Rain, is 9 years old. Si Cardo, yung pusa namin, ang bunso -- 5 years old, if I'm not mistaken. They could somehow sense I guess na I wasn't in "play mode" and just let me be sad with them.

Share ko lang, meron kami dating aso na nawala na nung 2010 -- yun yung ka-edad kok raw. Ironically, ang pangalan niya ay Jose. Anak siya ni Rose na aso nila Nanay sa Nueva Ecija. When I was younger, bullied ako in and out of school. Kahit sa mga childhood friends namin, madalas akong naaaway at nabubully. Si Jose bestfriend ko. Everytime na malungkot ako or iiyak ako, sa kanya ako tumatabi tapos lagi niyang ilalagay yung paw niya tsaka yung ulo niya sa legs ko. Sad lang, hindi ko siya nakita bago siya mawala. Nagising na lang ako ng weekend tapos sinabi sa amin na wala na si Jose.

Anyway, I broke down tonight once more. Tipong hindi ka makahinga. I don't know how long this is going to be. I keep asking for life to just end. There are a lot of people out there na mas deserve yung buhay ko so, pwede bang ilipat Niya na lang yung natitirang number of years or months ng buhay ko sa iba?

I don't want to be your greatest regret. Ayokong maging "the one that got away". I have, in the past, thought that the idea was romantic. It's not. It's just painful. I don't want to be your TOTGA. Gusto ko subukan mo with me and see how good we could be. I don't want to be just your "what if". I want to be the one -- no matter how cliche it sounds.

I miss you, Jo. I know it won't make a difference. I know this would never reach you. Alam ko na hangin lang ang kausap ko. Nothing would change kahit na ilang beses ko pang sabihin na mahal kita at miss na kita. In the end, ako lang naman apektado. You're okay. You're happy. That should be enough for me. I'm glad you're happy... it just fucking hurts.

Bakit hindi na lang ako, Jo? ���💔

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: June 6 (Thursday)

Henloo, Jo 🐳!

I have news. I received an email saying na na-accept ako sa Mapua for grad studies. I mentioned it before sa isang email tsaka recording na nag-apply ako. I know na I applied to it for the wrong reasons so I guess I would have to follow through. Nakakahiya din kasi kay Maam JM since siya yung nag-contact kay Sir Allan para sa recommendation ko. I don't know if I"m excited or scared. I guess more on problematic kasi wala pa rin akong work and I wouldn't know how to pay for the expenses sa grad school.

Share ko lang, since I've been watching crime documentaries, naisip ko na if magiging serial murderer ako parang ang "cool" yung riddles like yung sa Zodiac killer. It's a bad type of cool pero parang may k-drama rin akong napanuod na based naman sa serial number ng books siya nagbebase kung sino papatayin niya. I know it's twisted, but crime documentaries -- the puzzles and stuff -- are the closest I have as "effective" distraction. It wouldn't take my mind off of you but it's the closest thing I got. (Under a different context, if makita ng iba yung email na 'to, sobrang suspicious ng part na 'to. Hahaha.)

Anyway, I'm still trying to look for work.and it's not going well. Right now, I've been trying to organize my schedule para ma-accommodate yung mga interview as much as I could. Napapagod akong makipag-interview sa iba't ibang tao. Paulit-ulit na information lang need nila. Parang gusto ko na lang i-record yung mga sagot ko tapos i=play ko na lang after. Hahaha. I was supposed to go to another interview sa Cainta kaninang 2pm pero I decided against it. I messaged the supervisor and told them na hindi ko na itutuloy yung application ko sa kanila. It was a Training Assoc position pero maliit lang din yung pay. Hindi nila kayang i-meet yung minimum na asking salary ko so I decided din na wag na pumunta sa interview. It was okay, I guess. I got to spend the rest of today to do the assessments sa ibang companies. Napakaraming pinapaexam ng mga companies. Hahaha. I still have two assessments for Jollibee Food Corp. interview ko tomorrow and yung Trade Test for Ateneo. Yung sa Jollibee Food Corp. muna yung tatapusin ko since bukas na interview ko sa kanila. Deadline nung trade test ko sa Ateneo sa Saturday. They moved it to Saturday since akala nila nagwowork pa ako. I didn't correct them though… Ang hirap ng pinapagawa nila kaya I wanted to have more time to work it out. I guess I'll be able to finish it naman -- if not tonight, baka by tomorrow.

I started running na ulit. Di ba nag-start ako ma-gym early this year? Kind of stopped along the way because I was having a hard time because… you know. Mahirap bumangon and gumalaw and all that. I just tried doing a run last Monday, June 3, and see if it would make me feel better. I'm not sure it did pero at least napagod ako ng sobra sa takbo. But, I didn't run for the past few days, including kanina. Sunod-sunod yung interviews na meron sa morning tapos kanina hindi ako nagising ng maaga. Maybe I'll try tomorrow. Do you want to know why I run? Nadiidvert yung utak ko to "survival" kasi when I push myself to the limit, I'm barely breathing. Problema lang is I still end up thinking about you despite it. I don't know, it surprises me how well my mind is able to multitask when it comes to you. I could be in excruciating headaches and pains or barely able to breathe but my mind still thinks about you.

I watched One More Chance na musical last Friday. I cried myself to bits earlier in the morning so I took some time to prepare. Everytime na nanunuod kami ng theater, nagaayos naman talaga ako. But this was the first time I had to get ready ng ganon ka-bongga to hide the puffy eyes. I was so tempted to send a photo sa'yo like I usually did before -- of course, I didn't, no matter how much I wanted to. Maaga akong nakarating sa theater so nag-pictorial na kami ni Dane before the show which was good kasi after the show ang daming tao sa labas na nagpipicture. It was a small theater lang kaya medyo crowded. The first time na naglabas yung production ng teaser for the musical, hindi ko nagustuhan. Parang ang disappointing nung teaser nug rehearsal nila. So when I watched the musical, I was surprised na it was really good. Different sa ibang points ng original na movie pero it was a good adaptation. Did cry a lot though -- silent cries. Ang emotional ko siguro. There was just a lot of lines and scenes and parts in that musical that would remind me of you or us or things that would resonate with me -- basically about us. It was hard not to cry and harder not to think about you. Dane didn't ask. She probably noticed na I cried but she didn't ask. That's good enough. May message board din don sa theater na may notes ng mga tao and I left two notes for you there. I didn't sign my name but left a balyena instead.

I would have loved to watch the musical with you instead. I would have loved to do anything with you. Kahit na kumain tayo ng pares or maghanap ng fishball at kikiam sa kanto -- I would love to do it with you. Don't get me wrong, I'm good spending time with my friends, I just can't help but think na I would also want to share these experiences with you. Or at least tell you about it… I just wish you were here.

I'm sorry for calling but it was so good to hear your voice. I haven't heard it for so long. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin sa'yo but I wasn't able to… I don't think you'd allow me to. When you asked kung kilala ko kung sino yung kausap ko? There is no way I wouldn't recognize your voice. And when you asked kung ano ka ba sa buhay ko? I know I wasn't able to tell you but you mean so much to me -- probably more than you'll ever figure out. Totoo bang na-miss mo ako? Or sinasabi mo lang yun kasi alam mong yun yung gusto kong marinig? There are a lot of things that I wanted to tell you, but I would have to just be comforted by the sound of your voice and the way you said my name and how you told me you missed me.

You said you're okay. Sabi mo masaya ka. First off, "sana all". Secondly, bakit okay ka lang? Bakit masaya ka kahit wala ako? I keep thinking if pabigat lang ba talaga ako sa'yo after all this time. Iniisip ko na, when we parted ways ba, was it a burden lifted off your shoulders? Ganon ba ako kabigat sa buhay mo? I'm glad that you're happy and getting back on your feet. Ang sakit lang isipin na you're okay without me… and I'm still falling apart.

I miss you, Jo. More than you'll ever realize. More than I'll be able to tell you. I miss you. I love you. And I wish na tayo na lang… It still breaks my heart to wake up everyday and still not be with you. I miss you. 🐳💔

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: May 20 (Monday)

Henloo, Jo 🐳!

Do you think it's psychosomatic? The headaches, I mean. I had my CT Scan last Friday. Hindi ko sinabi sa bahay. I don't think there's anything to worry about and unless I'm absolutely sure na there's something wrong, tsaka ako magsasabi. But then again, I'm probably overthinking it. Masakit pa rin yung ulo ko when I woke up today but it's a lot more bearable.

I planned na mag-jog dapat this morning, pero nung nagising ako tapos masakit ulo ko, I decided to not do it and just sleep the headache off. I haven't gone to the gym for quite some time now. I couldn;t bring myself to do much lately. Was it because of the headache? Partly. But, to be honest, it was mostly because after what happened, I just couldn't. I'm at the extremes. Minsan hindi makatulog, minsan puro tulog. Minsan hindi makakain, minsan puro kain. But overall, I couldn't bring myself to do anything yet. I try…

I was out with the ambassadors last Friday. After kong magpa-scan (under the pretense na may interview ako), I thought about cancelling with them. I know na matagal na silang nagsabi about it pero I was thinking about the headaches. But, naisip ko rin na I was already out and about and I could probably use the distraction. It rained on my way papunta sa kanila. Akala ko nga baha sa Manila kasi ang lakas ng ulan sa QC. Buti na lang hindi. Naalala ko tuloy yung kapote mong orange. Hehe. Tsaka naalala ko yung sinabi mo na mas gusto mong nagmomotor na umuulan. Sana hindi maulan sa inyo though. Masakit sa ulo yung quick changes ng weather.

Kumain kami sa C&K 1989 Hotpot sa may Manila. I think malapit na yung place sa La Salle. Nagpa-reserve pala sila doon tapos for 2 hours lang pwede. Unli hotpot, unli drinks, unli side dish, may unli ice cream din, tsaka unli KTV. Syempre hindi ako kumanta pero sila oo. Kami lang ni Kimmy hindi humawak ng mic. Unli KTV pero hindi pwedeng sunod-sunod na kanta sa'yo. Hahaha. Two consecutive songs per table lang. Walang marunong mag-hotpot sa amin so basically nag-experiment lang kami ng kinain namin. Hahaha. Meron din kaming nakausap sa kabilang table na nurses (?) sa Jose Rizal Memorial Center. Dahil maingay nga kami, habang kumakanta sila, para kaming naging backup singers tapos natuwa sila. All good naman pero strict yung place sa 2 hours. Pinapaalis na nga kami actually pero yung dalawang nurse na nakausap namin, dahil nga natuwa sila sa gulo namin, pinakiusapan yung staff na mag-stay na lang daw kami pero hindi na kakain. Ayun, biglang may backer na kami. Hahaha. Mga past 9pm umalis na rin kami. May duty pa kasi yung dalwa ng morning ng Sabado so umuwi na sila. Tatlo pa kaming nag-stay and pumunta sa bar.

Nung 2022 meron kaming nakitang rooftop bar, Lost Spirit. Malapit na yung place pa-Makati, actually, pero tagged under Manila pa rin siya. We enjoyed the vibe sa place kaya sabi namin babalikan namin. Ngayon lang kami naka-balik. it looked a lot quieter this time compared nung 2022. Chill lang pero I guess business wasn't doing that well. Nagkwentuhan lang kami nila Ma'am Jen and Kimmy tapos humabol si Sir Nino. Lahat sila ManilaMed pa rin so para akong chumichika sa kanila. Past 12 na rin ako umuwi and nag-Grab na lang ako hanggang sa bahay. Masakit na actually yung ulo ko habang nasa Lost Spirit kami pero gusto ko pang chumika. Hahaha, tigas ng ulo.

I couldn't tell you what I was feeling while waiting sa scan. I wanted to talk to you so bad but I know na hindi pwede. I couldn't do anything. So, I thought of the only way I could "talk" to you -- ig story. The things I wanted to tell you, I just posted it there hoping na you'll see it. I posted those ig stories the way I would probably tell you if we were still talking. Did you see it? I saw your note when I got home. Isang "🐳" lang. What was it? I know na I made a selfish request when we last talked to keep everything na atin na sa atin lang. I wanted to reply to that note. Gusto kong i-like yung note. Gusto kong tanongin bakit may ganon or kung para sa akin ba yun. I want to know if it was just a mistake or was it intentional. I just wanted to talk to you. I almost did. I almost always do -- almost always call, almost always message, almost always break this situation and just talk. I know I shouldn't delude myself and think na that one was for me. Or that it even meant anything. But I would be lying if sabihin ko sa'yo na I wasn't thinking about that note. Until today, iniisip ko pa rin yun. I kept looking at it every chance I get, checking if totoo ba 'yung note.

I can't tell you how much I miss you. I am unable to find the words. Bawat way ko sinusubukang i-express parang hindi enough, parang hindi tama. I miss you. Sobra. Even nung Saturday na I tried to distract myself with chores and crime podcast, I keep looking back sa note. I miss you.

May dinner ako bukas. Don't get me wrong, it's nice na si Maam JM yung nagyaya makipagkita. It's just that, however wrong this might sound, I kinda wish ikaw yung kikitain ko -- na ikaw yung "Toriaga" na kasama kong mag-dinner bukas. I know it won't happen pero, at the back of my mind, I kinda wish na kasama ka bukas. Or napadaan ka sa Makati. Or ikaw susundo kay Maam JM. Something. What I mean is, I wish na, as luck would have it, you'd be there, one way or another, and I'd get to see you and talk to you. Wishful thinking, I know.

I miss you.

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: May 13 (Monday)

Henloo, Jo 🐳!

After kong mag-ER nung Friday, dahil sa sakit ng ulo, ni-refer ako ng ER doc sa neuro since one week na palang masakit ulo ko. Napagsabihan pa nga ako eh, hahaha. Bakit daw hinintay kong mag-one week bago magpa-check. Di na ako nagpa-admit nung Friday since di naman alam sa bahay na ER pinuntahan ko. Ang alam nila nakipag kita ako sa mga kaibigan ko. Tsaka under observation lang naman ako kapag naka-admit since wala naman talaga neuro nila. Ako na lang magoobserve. Hehe. They gave me meds lang para i-manage yung pain. Sandamakmak na pain killers hahaha. Akala ko nga biglang magiging okay na pakiramdam ko kasi nakapagpa-ER na ako. Wrong. Over the weekend ganon pa rin.

May neuro dito malapit sa amin kaya dito na lang ako nagpa-check. Para rin hindi malayo i-commute. Sabi naman ni doc, it doesn't seem like it's something to worry about. Wala naman daw impairments na nakikita don sa tests na ginawa niya. Wala sa vision, sa lakad, sa reflexes. Pero sabi niya, gusto niyang i-cross out yung aneurysm ng tuluyan kaya nagsabi siya na magpa-CT scan daw ako. Initial diagnosis, though, mixed headache. Naalala mo yung time na para akong nahihilo nung nagkita tayo tapos di mo muna ako pinauwi kaagad? Noong time na yun, nahihilo lang ako pero hindi masakit ulo ko. This time kasi one side lang ng ulo ko yung masakit tapos constant yung pain pero may mga times na medyo bearable. Sabi ni doc baka daw magkasamang migraine tsaka cluster headache. Nagka-migraine naman na ako before and tension headache pero ngayon lang yung ganito. Baka daw kaya hindi nagagamot ng isang gamutan lang tulad before kasi mixed type. Nagreseta siya ng meds for muscle relaxant tsaka anti-migraine. Pag may result na ng scan tsaka ako babalik sa kanya. Galing mag-explain ni doc, in fairness. Hindi yung bara-bara lang. Inexplain niya yung gamot tapos possible causes tapos anong gagawin. Tsaka maganda sulay niya sa risets kaya naiintindihan ko. Hahaha.

So dahil hindi naman daw something to worry about, hindi ko na sasabihin sa bahay. Yung CT scan pinagiisipan ko pa if gagawin ko. If hindi naman siya mukhang aneurysm, feeling ko kasi sayang magpa-scan. Mahal pa. Oobserve ko na lang muna this week tapos if hindi pa rin nawala, magpapa-scan na ako. But I'm sure it's nothing. Si doc na rin nagsabi.

Fun fact: never ko pang napanuod yung Monsters, Inc. Have you watched it before? First time ko siyang mapanuod kanina and it was so good! I really enjoyed it. Very cute. Hindi yun kasama sa mga CD na binibili nila para sa amin dati kaya late ko na rin siguro napanuod. Hahaha. Got curious sa plot kasi parang lagi akong may nakikitang GIF or meme ng characters doon kaya pinanuod ko. Feeling ko hindi applicable to most Filipino households yung "monsters in the closet" part kasi may iba na magkakasama buong pamilya sa isang kwarto. Hindi matatakot mga magulang. Papapnuorin ko rin dapat yung Monsters University pero medyo sumakit na ulo ko kaya di ko na tinuloy. Baka bukas ko panuorin.

Makikipagkita ako dapat sa mga ambassadors this Friday. Gusto nilang mag-hotpot. Parang two weeks ago pa ata nila sinabi sa akin yun. Hindi ko pa sure kung tutuloy ako though. Siguro if maging okay na pakiramdam ko this week. Si Maam JM din nakikipag kita. Alam ko naman naa para yun sa gift niya soo… Pero to be honest, medyo hesitant akong makipagkita. Like, pwede ko bang ipadala na lang sa inyo? Grab ganon? Ewan ko, meron lang akong awkward feeling pag makipagkita kay maam. Naalala mo yung sinabi ko before na nung kinakausap kita, minsan may mga subtle hints and remarks na sinasabi si maam which points sa fact na magkausap tayo? I'm kinda feeling na baka mamaya may ganong "underlying conversation" na mangyari. I don't think I want that. Natatakot ako na sabihin niya ako ng "I told you so" or something like that.

Did you see my message last night? Sinend ko yun sa Telegram kasi never naman tayong nag-usap doon. I'm sorry if I sent you a message. It was unfair. Siguro nga dapat hindi ko na sinend yun. I couldn't help it though… I was scared. Plus, I miss you. This was the only "big thing" na kaya kong gawing "enough" excuse para mag-reach out. I culdn't send it sa messenger kasi may part pa rin sa akin na hesitant na makita mo yung message ko. I don't know, it just feels unfair sa'yo for me to reach out when you're doing so well already. I know na hindi naman ganon kalaki impact ko pero parang ang unfair kasi na I'll reach out, magpaparamdam sa maganda mong buhay dahil lang I'm not doing well or I can't get my shit together. Unfair sa'yo na mangugulo ako ng peace and happiness mo just because of my selfish reasons. That's why I sent it sa Telegram. We never used that platform for any type of conversation. Plus, I saw na nung February ka pa last na nag-check. There's this possibility na hindi mo makikita yung message ko… maybe ever. I mentioned sa message na I was kinda hoping na hindi mo makikita yung message ko kaagad or maybe, if you do see it, matagal na nakalipas. I haven't checked Telegram ulitt kung nakaita mo or hindi. I was on the fence of sending it kaya hindi ko sa messenger sinend. Ang unfair ko, di ba? I'm sorry. You can ignore it naman. Consider it as a wrong send or something. Pwede rin naman hindi mo pakinggan. Who knows, baka delted na yung account mo before I know it.

Everything I said in that voice message was true, though. I'm still not used to the fact na hindi kita nakakausap. Hindi ako sanay na hindi ka nakikita at nakakusap. Ikaw pa rin yung gusto kong pagkwentuhan ng mga bagay. Ikaw pa rin gusto kong makausap at the end of the day. I'm still trying to get used to it until now. It's been more than a month since I last talked to you. It somehow feels longer… Alam mo ba na I kept stories from you para magkaroon ako ng reason enough para makipagkita sa'yo? I knew how busy and hectic your schedule was and I wanted to make sure na when we meet, I'll make the most out of it and hindi mo pagsisisihan na you took time to meet with me. Gusto ko na pag nagkita tayo, I could tell you about everything and hindi magiging sayang sa oras mo na makipagkita sa akin. I have stories about mundane things, chika, I even have stories about my recent interviews. I was excited na makita ka last month. Hindi ako nag-insist na makipagkita noong March kasi sabi ko adjustment period mo sa work. I didn't want na makisabay pa sa dami ng inaalala mo. Sabi ko, first chance I get ng April, magaaask ako sa'yo na makipag-meet to catch up. That never happened though…

I miss you. I can't stress that enough. Sobrang miss na kita. 💔

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: May 8 (Wednesday)

Henlooo, Jo 🐳!

Woke up with a migraine ulit. I thought it might be because of the heat and immediately thought of you. Napaisip ako if may dala kang tubig. Napaisip ako if may extra kang damit. Napaisip ako how you're adjusting with your new company.

Naiisip pa rin kita. Creepy right? Hahaha. But I still think about you. You're still the first and last thought on my mind. It's hard not to message you when you're the person I want to talk to. At the end of each day, I want to tell you about the mundane stuff. Gusto kong sabihin sa'yo yung mga maliliit na bagay. Every new day is a renewed battle on how long can I last without reaching out.

I told you this before, I preferred it when you were still here. It's a hard battle. Everyday, every night, I'll open yung conversation natin sa Instagram. I'll draft a message telling you how I feel and I won't have the courage to send it. I'll write it all down and delete it. It's a cycle. Every time na may gusto akong sabihin sa'yo, I'll write it down sa message and never be able to send it to you. I need to settle for voice recordings, videos of talking to an imaginary you, letters and emails na hindi ko naman sinesend. I have to try and settle for these avenues to talk to you without actually talking to you... I had to settle with these things kasi hindi kita pwedeng kausapin.

I wonder if you miss me. I wonder if I cross your mind. Maybe not as much as I do but still... do you miss me? I miss you. Gahd, how much I want to talk to you and spend time with you. What I would give to go back and stay in the past -- back when you were still here. What I would give to be with you rather than none at all.

I miss you. 💔

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: May 7 (Tuesday)

Henlooo, Jo 🐳!

It's been a long month since we last talked. Some things happened. I would have preferred to let you know in person. Mas gusto ko sanang ikwento sa'yo ng harapan. But I couldn't.

We had drinks last night kasama yung mga friends ni ate. Quick background: dahil malapit lang school ni ate sa amin (yung St. Matthew na nadadaanan natin sa may labasan), madalas dito sa bahay tumatambay mga kaibigan niya. After a few years na puro ganon, minsan naadopt kaming dalawang kapatid ng mga friends niya sa mga gala and kwentuhan nila. Big group of friends sila -- mga nasa 16 siguro sila ng complete. Anyway, ayon may nagpainom dito kahapon. Nakalaya na kasi sa MAPUA after years kaya nagkaroon ng konting get-together. Syempre damay ako. We had mixed drinks. Tapos kwentuhan lang sila. Ambag ko lang naman ay audience tsaka taga-react. Hahaha. It's a celebration dapat pero parang after a short while, mga hinanakit na nila sa mundo yung napagkwekwentuhan. May mga work-related pero karamihan love life related -- hindi naman lahat sila brokenhearted or kaaway jowa/manliligaw/talking stage. Merong isang masaya sa jowa niya at kaka one year pa lang nila nung isang araw. Naalala ko yung sinabi ni Nics dati, pag nagoopen daw s'ya ng social media nung kaka-break lang nila ng ex niya, meron siyang mga nakikitang post na pareho ng kanya and nafefeel niya raw na hindi siya nag-iisa and medyo nakaka-gaan ng loob. Hearing their stories, it didn't make me feel better though. Mga ate at kuya ko na 'tong mga 'to and a part of me wanted to ask them last night on what to do. Ano bang dapat kong gawin or inumin or what para maging okay. I didn't know if they have the answer. But if anyone does, I hope they tell me. Phones were banned. Malayo yung mga phone sa mga owners kaya walang nag-drunk text or drunk call kagabi. Late na rin kaming natapos ng inuman, mga 4 am na sila umuwi. May mga bumagsak at need iakyat sa kwarto pero other than that, naka-uwi naman ang mga tao. I didn't think the drink was that strong (lasa siyang juice at mukhang efficascent oil hehe) pero after three glasses meron na bumagsak. Pero don't get me wrong, matapang yung timpla, baka natunaw na yung yelo sa baso ko kaya feeling ko hindi matapang.

When everyone has left, ako na yung nagligpit kasi ako lang naman walang pasok. In the silence of the early morning, I wanted to call you. I wasn't drunk. It wasn't a drunk call. I had a couple of drinks pero aware pa ako sa surroundings ko. I had your number dialed, ready na tawagan. I contemplated for quite a while until I decided not to. I settled for just a recording. I recorded yung mga gusto ko sanang sabihin sa'yo if I called and you picked up. I had to settle for that. Natakot akong tawagan ka. Natakot ako na I would call and you won't pickup because it was me calling. Natakot ako sa thought na yun -- na kapag nakita mong ako yung tumatawag, hindi mo sasagutin. I guess natakot din ako na kapag sinagot mo, I wouldn't be able to put the phone down anymore. Does that make sense? I wanted to call you. It would have been so easy to blame it on the alcohol and pretend na it was a drunk call para lang makausap ka ng saglit, para marinig ko lang boses mo. I still want to talk to you, that hasn't changed. I miss you.

I wonder if I cross your mind half as much as you cross mine. I wonder if you miss me too. I wonder what it would be like to see you again. My mind will sometimes play out scenarios kapag nakita kita ulit. I know na malayo 'yon sa katotohanan at hindi 'yun mangyayari pero minsan yung utak ko would conjure images of what it would be like. Alam ko namang hindi kita makikita ulit. You said it so yourself before, hindi naman tayo magkakakilala kung hindi ako staff ni Maam JM. And now, I no longer am. There is no possible reason for me to see you. Sabi mo nga, di ba, we don't run in the same circles. So sa paanong paraan at dahilan kita makikita?

Ang tanga siguro pakinggan or basahin pero everytime na lumalabas ako ng bahay, para akong on the lookout lagi in case na makita kita. I find myself searching for the familiar figure of you anywhere I go. Kahit na alam ko namang hindi ka mapapadpad sa San Mateo or sa QC. Kapag may dadaan na motor, napapalingon pa rin ako. I find myself on high alert in case na makita kita. But I've lived this life for 25 years, and I know na hindi k-drama or movie yung buhay ko. Baka nangyayari sa iba na nakikita nila yung taong gusto nilang makita outside, but not me. A part of me knows na kahit anong hanap ko at abang ko sa labas, hindi kita makikita. Sa TV lang nangyayari 'yon. Sa ibang tao lang nangyayari 'yon. Hindi sa akin. Pustahan, kung magmakulit ako at puntahan kita diyan sa inyo, wala ka sa bahay kapag pinuntahan kita. It would be a day or time na kaka-alis mo lang or may lakad ka or something. Sa ibang tao, kapag ginawa nila 'yon, makikita nila yung taong gusto nilang makita, yung taong sinadya nila. Pero pag ako, hindi. I told you before, di ba? The universe is working against me.

I miss you. It's a selfish thought to call you and talk to you dahil miss na kita. Nakikita kong okay ka lang. Nakikita ko sa stories na masaya ka. Yung selfish part sa akin wants to talk to you and see you no matter what. Pero yung part sa akin na concerned pa rin sa'yo, yung part sa akin na mahal ka, stops me from calling. Unfair yun sa'yo. Unfair sa'yo kasi okay ka na, kasi masaya ka na, and I would barge in and drag you down with me just because I can't get my shit together. Unfair yun kasi ako lang naman nahihirapan, bakit kailangan kong hatakin ka rin pababa? Hindi dahil I can't pull myself together pwede ko na rin sirain yung peace of mind at saya na meron ka ngayon. It's a me problem. I shouldn't drag you down with me aboard a sinking ship. I shouldn't ruin what you have just because I don't have it. Pero ang sakit maging masaya for you, though. I know I should be happy that you're doing well, that you're happy, pero masakit. Masakit makita na okay ka na, okay ka lang. It makes me think kung meron ba talaga akong naging ambag sa buhay mo. Napapaisip ako kung naging relevant ba ako sa buhay mo. Kasi bakit ako lang yung nasasaktan at nahihirapan na wala ka? Kasi bakit okay ka lang? Gets mo ba? Masakit na makita kang okay at masaya kasi napapaisip ako kung bakit ang bilis lang sa'yo maging okay. Napapaisip ako kung ganon lang ba talaga ako kabilis kalimutan, na mabilis lang ako i-put off your mind -- a thing of the past, kasi wala naman akong ambag or impact sa buhay mo. It's a bad thought. I know. I try to stop these thoughts pero, more often than I would like, it creeps up on me. I am relieved that you're okay, that you're happy. I really am. I guess, a part of me hoped and wanted to be part of your happiness and peace of mind. I wanted to be a part of it rather than a burden. And seeing you happy makes me think na all this time na nasa buhay mo ako, all that time was wasted because I became a burden -- a problem rather than part of the solution. Di mo alam kung gaano ko kagusto na kasama diyan na masaya ka, but instead, naging burden ako sa'yo. I really wanted to be a part of it.

I miss you. I don't know how else to say it. I miss you. 💔

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: May 3 (Friday)

Henlooo, Jo 🐳!

Went out with the girls today. Opening ng coffee kiosk nila Nicole kahapon and since di kami nakapunta, ngayon kami bumisita. Pwede na rin kaming medyo naging ambassador/part-timer. Hahaha. Medyo magulo pa sila kanina so we tried to stay out of the way. Tumulong din kami nung need nila. Naging part-timer pa nga. Kulang ng yelo kaya pinabili kami. Una sa 7/11 lang dapat, kaso pag punta namin don ubos na kaya need namin tumawid sa Shopwise para sa limang bag ng yelo, yung maramihan. Akala ko naman i-paper bag or eco bag man lang, pina-box nila. Jusme. Sabi ko mas mabilis dalhin ng hindi magkakasama, eh ayaw nila maniwala. Nung una, hindi ako pinagbuhat nung box kasi kaya na raw nilang dalawa tapos napansin ko na dumudulas kay Nics so sabi ko ako na magdadala. Kami ni Rach nagdala. Nung pagdating namin sa kiosk, binaba na lang namin tapos si tito (tatay ni Nics) na yung naglagay sa likod. Nagpasa sa akin yung box, my gahd hahaha. Nagulat akong may pasa na ako. Ano labor fee? Free upsized drink hahaha. Masarap yung Spanish Latte nila infairness. Masarap din yung Matcha Cream. Basta naka libre kami hehe. Tapos since may mga arcade and games don sa Fiesta Carnival, mejj marami naman yung bumibili sa kanila. Super busy pa rin kasi di pa talaga naka-settle lahat pero so far so good naman. Di na namin sila masyadong ginulo. Maaga rin umuwi si Rach eh.

At dahil ayoko pa umuwi, naglibot muna ako doon tas pumunta ako don sa karaoke ng arcade. Sound proof, taray! Nagpalipas ako ng oras don hanggang mejj lumuwag na sila sa kiosk. Kanta-kanta lang tapos nag-claw machine ako after. (Spoiler alert: wala ako nakuha sa claw machine 🙃 I'm so bad at it.) Lagpas one hour din akong nagliwaliw bago kami nag-errands ulit. After that nag-dinner kami sa Army Navy. Nag-crave ako ng burrito. Masarap naman kaso parang naumay ako sa inorder namin. Habang nagdidinner kami, parang ayaw pa rin bumalik ni Nics para makahinga konti so nag-stay kami sa Army Navy tapos kwentuhan.

Di na rin ako nagtagal pagkabalik namin. Binilhan ko pang pamilya ko ng drinks tapos umuwi na rin ako. Nung nagpapaalam na ako kila tita sabi ba naman sa akin, "Kamukha mo si Kathryn." Sabi ko, "Nako, Tita, mas maganda naman yun sakin." Tapos sabi niya, "Kamukha mo nga. Tagilid ka lang palagi." Ouch! Hahaha. Alam ko naman binibiro ako kaya tinawanan ko na lang din.

Nakakaloka yung Grab na nasakyan ko. Nakakahilo yung amoy ng sasakyan. Hindi naman mabaho pero ang sakit sa ulo. Nakakaantok din. Nag-panic ako slight nung mejj inaantok ako kasi baka ma-kidnap ako. Hahaha. Kaya kahit naka pikit ako, binubuksan ko rin from time to time yung mata ko para check ko lang if tama pa dinadaanan ni koya. Well, nakauwi naman ako ng matiwasay soo… baka paranoid lang ako. Hehe.

Masaya sana kung nakapag-arcade tayo. Nakikita ko yung mga games don and I can't help but think na sana na-try ko yun with you… Meron din doon na roller skates. Di ako marunong pero, how hard could it be? Char. Ohhh, may billards din. Dapat pala nagpaturo ako sa'yo dati mag-billards. Curios pa naman ako don.

I almost sent you my details sa Grab kanina. I still can't unlearn that habit it seems…

I miss you. I know I've been mentioning it in every avenue and outlet I could think of na sabihin sa'yo without actually telling you but I mean it. Every. Single. Time. I miss you. Things would really look up if you were still here…

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: May 2 (Thursday)

Hi, Jo 🐳!

Birthday ni mama ngayon. Nothing special today. Busy din siya kasi book closing so quiet dinner lang meron mamaya. Dapat pupunta ako sa opening ng kiosk nila Nicole sa Cubao mamayang 3pm, kaya lang sabi niya na-adjust yung time ng opening nila. Magulo daw yung admin ng TakeMe Coffee kasi nung una ang sabi di tuloy tapos biglang tuloy na raw. Ayun, naghahabol tuloy sila ng mga gagawin para mamaya. Nagsabi na ako na hindi ako makakapunta if gabi pa yung opening nila.

Anyway, I saw yug post ni Maam JM kanina sa facebook na pumunta kayo ng Daraitan. Dinala ako ni maam last year doon after namin pumunta sa kasal ni Sir Eric sa Bulacan. Oh, di ba? Kung saan-saan napadpad. I think that was still the time na she was trying to make me forget na magreresign na siya and ako ang maiiwan sa department. Nalaman ko lang nung latter part ng 2023 na ginagala niya lang ako para ma-distract. Yun yata yung kumain kami kasama sila Sir Ron tsaka Doktora Aniza (?). Pero pumunta kami ng Daraitan and masaya lang. Ayoko na bumalik ng Maynila kasi ang payapa doon.

When I saw the post, when I saw you sa photos, masakit. It reminds me how much I miss you.It reminds me kung gaano katagal na kitang hindi nakikita, nakakausap.

I still wake up with you as my first thought. I still fall asleep to thoughts of you. I still breakdown and fall apart at different times everyday. I still haven't gotten my shit together. I still fall to pieces. I still wake up with things to tell you.

I miss you. 💔

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: April 29 (Monday)

Henloo, Jo 🐳!

Had a dream about you. Maybe more of a memory recall rather than a dream. Napanaginipan ko yung time natin together -- one after another. It was bits and pieces from different times and places. Para akong nagkaroon ng flashback. It made my heart pound and ache… It always does. Pag nakatulog ako or napanaginipan kita, pagkagising ko, lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko… masakit din. The reality would always crash over me upon waking and I would feel physical pain in my chest that makes me want to cut my heart out. I don't expect you to understand. I don't think you feel the same way. But that's what it's like for me.

There's this physical pain in missing you. I'd be walking one moment and then curled up on the floor the next. Sometimes it won't be enough. Hindi sapat na curled up na ako, clutching at my chest. It's hard to breathe. No one told me that your whole body just shuts down and it still wouldn't be enough kasi you feel the pain. It's not even a "one-time, big time" kind of thing. It happens a lot, even in public spaces.

Nag-jog kami ulit ni sa UP last Saturday. Sabi ko every two weeks na namin gagawin di ba? Nung nag-lalast lap na kami, may kuting sa joggers lane tapos natatakot siya sa mga tao. Iiwasan dapat namin pero nilapitan ako nung pusa. Hehe. Wala lang me dala na food kasi di ako nagdala ng kahit na ano. Sumusunod kahit binababa ko na sa sidewalk. Sinama ko sa isa pang kuting na dinaanan namin para di na siya sumunod, baka kunin ko pa. May uwi na akong pusa bigla. After ng jog namin, naghanap kami ng kakainan. May parang food park doon na GyudFood pangalan tas maraming stalls. Di nakakatuwa yung chinese food na naorder ko. Napaka konti. Tapos may mga pusa ulit doon. Mix naman na sila. Done na kami kumain non tas naghahanap kami ng desert tapos may lumapit na pusa tapos nanlalambing. Cute! Uuwi ko na eh. Hahaha! Ayaw paawat, nakikipag laro. Medyo nakalmot pero di naman nagdugo so keri lang. Pwede na akong dumukot ng pusa sa UP if ever.

Nag-samgyup ako kasama sila Rach and Nics kahapon. Di ba dapat samgyup yung kakainin namin nung Monday? Natuloy kahapon tapos don kami sa may Premier Samgyupsal sa may Tomas Morato. May 24/7 pala na samgyup? Gulat ako na legit palang 24/7 sila. Sulit naman kasi marami serving nila per order. Tapos yung mga kasama ko pa hindi super malakas kumain. At syempre, sa aming tatlo, ako ang dakilang taga-luto. Never ata kaming nag-samgyup na hindi ako yung amoy usok. Hehe. Sanay na ako sa kanila. Still, it reminds me of how much you take care of me. I miss it. Alam mo, parang sinasadya na yung mga kanta na pinapatugtog nila don sa place puro Taylor Swift songs na sapul sa puso. Hahaha, bwisit.

I wasn't able to hold my tears on my way home. Naka-grab naman ako so wala akong kasama. Di ko pinahalata sa driver syempre… at least I tried. Nasanay ako na sinesend sa'yo yung details ng Grab na every time na mag-book ako, automatic kong icliclick yung "share details". You would still be the first person that pops up on everything. It makes me realize how much I bothered you by sending stuff. How annoying was it for you? I'm sorry.

Done na rin yung Queen of Tears kahapon. Hinintay namin yung release ng episode sa Netflix. Medyo nabilisan ako sa pacing ng episode 15 and 16. Parang biglang minadali. Sayang pero maganda pa rin yung series. Natapos na kami ng 1am. It was a good excuse to cry lalo na't hindi ko napigilan luha ko nung nanunuod kami kagabi. Hayaan ko na lang isipin nila na dahil sa k-drama and not because of anything else.

Your name is still the first one that pops up sa contacts ko -- either sa phone or sa social media. I fight the urge everyday to re-read our conversation. It's a battle everyday na hindi ka tawagan or i-message. I doubt you'll answer anyway.

I miss you. I can just imagine how annoying it must be to read those words over and over. I'm sorry. I just miss you. I'm trying. If there was a miracle move-on drug, I'll take it. It seems like nothing I do helps. I keep missing you. I know you don't but… I miss you.

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: April 23 (Tuesday)

Henlo, Jo 🐳!

It's 1:24pm. I miss you.

Nakita ko yung story mo kahapon with your friends. Ang haba na ng buhok mo pero nag-ahit ka na rin. Did you really finish uminom ng morning na? Naisip ko lang na baka nagtuturnover ka pa rin ngayon since paalis ka na sa company. Pumasok ka ba? Nag-sprite ka ba? Sana nakapag-rest ka after ng inom niyo.

My heart would still skip a beat and I'll find myself catching my breath pag nakikita kong may story ka, lalo na kapag andon ka sa story. I get to see you through other people's lenses na nirerestory mo. I would see you viewing my stories and ganon din -- my heart would skip a beat and makakalimutan kong huminga for a moment.

I went out yesterday kasama sila Nics and Rach. Sunday pa lang nagsabi na ako sa kanila na labas kami. I told them I was in a dark place, just spiraling. Since pareho kami ni Rach na wala pang work, g kami both. Hinintay lang namin na matapos si Nics sa work niya. Half-day and part-time lang naman yun so we didn't wait so long. Sabi ko gusto kong mag-samgyup. Gusto ko lang ng meat. We decided na pumunta na lang don sa kinainan namin nung college sa Tomas Morato. Yun nga lang, hindi namin chineck if bukas kaya pagdating namin don, sarado pala. Hahaha. Every Monday sila close. Ewan ko, inassume namin na bukas siya. We had to walk sa isa pang place (RIb Shack) pero pagdating namin sa place nag-close na pala yun sabi nung mga tao. We had to find another place kaya napunta kami sa may Racks. Alam mo bang first time kong kumain don? Nakikita ko yung stores nila pero for some reason, never kaming kumain don. Nag-share lang kaming tatlo sa half rack ng pork ribs. Masarap, in fairness. Di na nila ako pinagbayad kasi ang sinabi ko sa exchange gift namin (since wala akong maisip), i-date na lang nila ako. Para akong naka libre ng food. Hahahaha. We talked about yung surprise ni Nics na may business na pala sila. Ininvite niya kami ni Rach for May 2 para sa opening nila. Sabi ko di pa ako sure kasi birthday yun ni mama pero malapit lang naman, sa may Cubao. Naglolokohan pa nga kami na dapat kinuha niya na lang kaming barista ni Rach. Nagkwento rin si Rach kung ano ginawa nila sa Baler nila tita. Tapos kwentuhan lang ng career tsaka reminisce ng college. Akala mo hindi kami nagkita a few weeks ago lang. Hehehe.

A little past six, after namin sa Racks, nag-KTV kami. May malapit na Music 21 doon kaya ginrab na namin yung chance. Nag-order lang kami ng konting mangangata tapos isang tower ng Tanduay Ice. Sabi namin hanggang 9 lang kami. Eh nag enjoy ang mga ate gorl. Hahaha. Umabot kami ng past 11. Five hours din kami andon. I think naparami ata inom ko. Di ko na namalayan na kuha na pala ako ng kuha ng inumin. Ang dami naming kinanta. Hindi ko ba alam dito kay Nics kung bakit puro ako lang kumakanta sa story niya. Hahaha. Tapos yung mga madradrama pang kanta yung nilagay. Sabagay, nung kumakanta na kami ng medyo party-party para na kaming engot na nagpaparty. Hahaha.

Sila na yung mga kaibigan kong pinaka "malapit" sa akin kahit na malalayo pa rin. Naalala mo nung inask ko sa'yo before kung anong feeling na ang lalapit lang ng mga kaibigan mo sa'yo? Akin kasi lahat sila kailangang dayuhin.

I said na I'm in a dark place di ba? I'm spiraling, I'm overthinking, and I can barely get a grip. I'm slipping further and further to a dark place. I'm not doing good. And me asking them for a night out was a feeble attempt to bring myself to the surface. Si Rach ang pinaka kalog sa amin. Siya yung laging may energy. Si Nics, ibang awra naman dala non. Pa-demure pero pag comfortable na, isa pa yun na kalog. Hehe. Natuwa ako na available sila kahapon. At least, even if nasa bad spot ako and hindi talaga maganda yung nasa isip ko ngayon, for a moment distracted ako with them and their stories.

I always wonder if you're doing well. Parang wala ka sa site don sa story mo kanina. Okay lang ba si Jennifer? Okay ka lang ba?

I envy everyone around you. They get to be with you -- almost anytime. Naiinggit ako sa kanila. I keep finding myself thinking, "Buti pa sila kasama siya" or "Buti pa sila nakakausap siya". Buti pa sila… I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be one of those friends of yours. I sometimes wonder if I ever was a friend to you… I don't think I was.

I should have stopped myself from feeling something for you. Then maybe, I'd still have you as a friend. I should have stopped myself from liking you and falling deeper. I can't help but look back to all the times that I could have stopped myself. I should have. If hindi kita nagustuhan, if I didn't fall in love with you, I wouldn't have ruined what we had. In retrospect, it seems like I already lost you nung una kitang nagustuhan. I blame myself, my feelings, for losing you. So I guess falling in love with a friend ruins everything.

I almost messaged you today. I didn't. I almost did.

I miss you. 💔

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳

[from-me-to-you-unsent-letters]

Unsent Email: April 18 (Thursday)

Henlooo, Jo 🐳!

I was so out of it na nakabasag ako kaninang umaga. Nag-slip out yung lalagyanan namin ng Ovaltine. Bagong bukas pa naman yun :(( I guess it was because of the dream. I don't remember much but I know na hawak ko yung kamay mo don. I was holding tight kasi ayokong bitawan mo. I was scared you'll let go. But you were holding my hand sa dream the way you always did. I woke up though… Naka-fist lang yung kamay ko pag gising ko. Of course you weren't there. For a moment, I just thought everything that happened was just a dream.

I tried watching F1 -- Japanese Grand Prix. Sobrang cool. not sure what's exactly happening but it was a nice distraction for a while. Since I didn't know what was happening, I tried to understand how the sport works. Kept my head busy for a few moments. Until I started thinking na I could ask you to explain it to me, like you told me you would. Then the reality came crashing down, I can't. You're no longer here.

After watching F1, I tried another distraction: cartoons. Meron sa Disney+ na "Wish" na movie. It's about Asha who wants to be an apprentice to their king na may magic tapos nalaman niya na yung mga wish ng tao na binibigay sa king in the hopes na magkatotoo, marami pala don hindi tutuparin kasi even the slightest threat sa king (kahit na feeling nya lang) hindi niya tutuparin. I think you would like it. Feel-good movie lang. It's not Big Hero 6 or Ratatouille or UP pero I think you'd like to watch it at least once.

There was a song from the movie that made me cry -- At All Costs. If happiness was a tangible thing, it would be you. From that first line, I was crying. It was you. I'm reminded of you from that first line pa lang. I know it's corny or cringey to say but you were that happiness. I lost you. I lost that.

It's more painful that you're gone -- na hindi kita nakikita, hindi kita nakakausap -- than when you were here. What I wouldn't give to have you back.

I miss you. I know you don't but I do. I miss you. 😭💔🥺

Always ✨,

Tine 🐳