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Mama Let Me....

Get hurt

My mama would let me try anything my mind dreamed up. From making my own go cart from scrap wood and lawn mower wheels to setting up my room as a radio studio and interviewing my friends when they came over and roller blading on homemade ramps. I lived with bruises and scrapes. Without an engine and hardly any hills, I didn’t go far on my homemade go cart.  I learned something about that too, axles and ball bearings are important. Wheels don’t turn like they should when you just hammer them into wood. Also, brakes. :)

Observe selflessness

Mama selflessly cared for my brother for 7 years as he suffered from Acute Lymphatic Leukemia in childhood, all the while taking care of my Type 1 Diabetic disabled father. I never heard her say the words “why me?” I am sure there were times she thought it. My brother pulled through and beat cancer. So grateful. My dad succumbed to his illness when I was 11. Then I saw another side of my mother. A strong, independent woman.

Believe

Mama would let me believe that the brightest star in the sky was my dad looking down on me from heaven. It’s true. I would look up at the bright star and feel instant comfort. If my mom agreed that this star in the sky was in fact my dad, then it really had to be him catching a glimpse of me.

Eat cake for dinner

After dad died, mom wanted a career in something she was passionate about. She decided to go back to school full time and pursue her dream of becoming a teacher. I often would go to her second job at Books a million and sit in the cafe with her on her dinner break and eat red velvet cake with her. She worked 2 jobs to pay her way through school and still managed to raise me, spend time with me and graduate college.

See her persevere

I could not be more proud of my dear Mama. She worked so hard to go back to college after my dad died, in her forties and finish with a degree in education.  She wanted it and by all accounts she pulled up her boot straps and took the bull by the horns. This is an example of the strength she exudes. I am in school now, I have a husband by my side who helps me tremendously. I seriously don’t know how she did it, but she DID IT!

Know that I am not alone

It was my freshmen year of high school. We all know that at that age, friendships are tested. My friendship was tested with my friends, and I was outcast from my normal group. Anyone can tell you that is the single worst thing to happen to a teenager. To lose your group of friends. You know what my Mama did? She let me cry and complain and be dramatic and when I was done with that. We would go rent a movie and watch it together and I would forget about my bleeding wounds for a little while. When my wounds would re-open, Mama was there to tell me that I was wonderful and that this would not be a big deal in 5 years. Her recipe to keeping me happy was the best one I can think of, laughing and lots of it. Even if that meant prank calling people. She of course would just observe and laugh and say “if anyone asks, I will deny that I did this with you.” (So, if she denies this, she is just sticking to her promise) ;) Often times we would go out front and throw the softball. She would watch wrestling with me, even though it wasn’t her thing. Mostly she would just BE THERE.

See that being humiliated for the sake of a joke is totally worth it

On one of my bad days, Mom decided to take me to a movie. I still don’t remember what we watched, but it was one of the times I have laughed the hardest. The movie is over and there is a huge crowd shuffling out and heading to the restrooms. Mom of course had to go and me and my teenage bladder eye rolled. I was mostly annoyed that after the movie, I remembered reality as I saw a father and daughter walking in front of us heading to the restroom as well. As she waited on him outside the bathroom, I felt this overwhelming jealousy. How dare she have a father to do things with? How dare she stand there with a smile on her face when she sees her dad emerge from the bathroom? How dare she be so happy? I wanted to scoot down the wall and melt into a self pitying blob on the floor. Right on time, as if she knew what was going on in my mind, here comes Mama out of the restroom. She has the biggest grin on her face and is dragging a 10 foot ( I kid you not) trail of toilet paper from the back of her britches. By the look on her face, I knew she did this just to make me laugh. I was dying laughing on the inside, holding strong for the joke that everyone is watching this woman drag this toilet paper. We hit the parking lot doors and laughed so hard. I almost wet my pants. She would’ve peed her pants if she hadn’t already just relieved herself. To this day, I will never forget that.  That silliness saved my evening and I thought on the way home not how unlucky I was to be a fatherless girl, but how lucky I was to have a Mom who would choose humility for the sake of a well played joke.

Listen

Mama let me listen to her music. All the greats that she loved Franki Valli and the Four Seasons,  Steppenwolfe, Blood Sweat and Tears, The Judds,  Elvis,  Johnny Cash to Abba... just to name a few. I have a pretty eclectic taste in music thanks to her. I have a great love for comedy. Largely in part to road trips with Mama.. Gosh, I loved taking a road trip with mom and listening to a comedy album with her. Laughing together and eating our favorite road trip snacks, that was the best.

See empathy and her kindness to others

The greatest lesson I think Mama taught me was to have empathy and to be kind always. She would tell me that you never know what someone else is going through. That is so true and I try to be kind and empathetic.

My Mom is a beautiful soul. I am grateful to have her as my mother. I wrote this so she could see just a small piece of her imprint she has on my heart.

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Mama, I love you. Thank you for letting me…

Jennifer Michelle, “your Southern Belle”

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Hashimoto’s - It’s not a new sushi roll.

I was diagnosed with the Auto-Immune Disease Hashimoto's Thyroiditis almost 2 years ago. It totaly sounds like it could be the new name of a sushi roll, right? It's hard to get through the day sometimes, as it often feels like a chore. Anyone dealing with thyroid issues will tell you, it is not easy. Sometimes all I want is to feel "normal" again. I am just learning how to live my "new normal." I am thankful that Zoe Saldana had the courage to speak out about this and make some of us feel less alone. I have never said much about my Hashimoto's because I don't want to shed any more negativity on the disease. There is enough of that on the internet. Thyroid disease is not just "I can't lose weight" or for the hyper thyroids "I lose too much weight." It can be debilitating and dark. I used to think oh "thyroid problems" that is an excuse people use when they can't lose weight. Boy, was that an ignorant and rude thought! Once I was diagnosed of course I wanted to research the disease all the time. It was depressing. EVERYONE who had it seemed to be complaining. I kept thinking "where are all the I have Hashimoto's and I feel wonderful stories?" and what about an Oprah interview with a laughing, glowing, diseased thyroid woman happy to talk about how she overcame the disease and it never gets her down?" It simply wasn't there. I am a wife, mom, daughter, sister, granddaughter, aunt, and niece who loves my life VERY much. I have a life that is GOOD! There is still goodness to be had and I refuse to be another sad cog in the wheel spreading the darkness of the disease. I will have good days and I will have bad days. Just like any one else. I am a fun, food loving, caring person who loves to laugh and make people laugh! I am not Hashimoto's Disease. It does not define me. It is something I write down on medical documents. It is not my label. ‪#‎zoesaldana‬‪#‎hashimotos‬ ‪#‎invisibledisease‬

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Does Not Perform to Potential

Well, hey y’all! I know it has been a while since I have blogged about my weight loss. That is because I have learned a few things about losing weight. First I want to start by saying if the 230 pound me would have read what I am about to say I would have smirked and snarkily said “shut up! You have lost weight, quit whining and be happy!” I truly wish it was that easy, but weight loss is also a mind game.

So picture this… you have started losing weight and you have dropped a few pant sizes, you are ecstatic. People are noticing your weight loss and you get compliments often. You are realizing you can do this. You are realizing that you can feel proud of yourself again. All these feels motivate you to keep going. So what’s there when you reach your goal or when you feel good enough to stop losing weight? It’s a dirty little word called maintinence. Seriously if the word maintenance was a person I would probably drown her. She is a cruel little biatch. Maintaining my weight loss has been a struggle. I got down to my smallest at 155 and boy was I proud! I thought to myself, “I can stop here, I feel great! I am confident and I am healthy.” Bring on the never ending pasta at Olive Garden and breadsticks. I started eating cookies like cookie monster again. Can’t stop. Won’t stop. I kept my weight between 155-165 for an entire year. That was fine with me. I felt okay about losing and gaining the same 10 pounds. I was still smaller than that fat girl I used to be. Pants would get tight and I would eat better for a few weeks and get back down. I was fine with that. What no one tells you is that at some point you will feel so confident you will lose your ever lovin’ mind. You will quit weighing yourself because when you look in the mirror you see a person that use to be huge and you still can’t believe the image reflecting back at you. I swear someone had replaced my mirror at times. It was crazy how proud I felt! I have done it! I have accomplished my goal and I will be happy forever and someone is bound to stop me on the street and ask me to be on the cover of Vogue. See y’all, I had officially lost my damn mind. Now, do I really think I looked THAT good? Well no, I didn’t, but I FELT THAT GOOD!

As I am typing this I am weighing in at 188. Why the heck would I tell you I have gained 33 pounds back? Because this blog and everyone responding to it and the motivation it gave others, motivated me to stay the course. To push myself. I have spent the last 6 months kicking myself for gaining the weight back. Weight I swore I would never let creep back up on me. Especially that much of the 75 pounds I have worked so hard to lose.  The negative thoughts have crept back in. Every time I see someone I haven’t seen since my weight loss all I can think is “they are going to go home and tell their spouse, Jennifer has gained that weight back I tell ya!” Getting dressed to go anywhere these days is a chore. I hate it. Everything I put on will not make me look smaller like I use to, isn’t that bizarre?! ;) Seriously I go to my closet try something on and stand and look in the mirror and I am always shocked to learn that I look chubby in it. Why am I shocked? I know I have gained 33 pounds. It’s not because I am really dumb enough to think that one time God will grant me a wardrobe miracle and I will suddenly fit back into my favorite size 8 jeans. It’s because I have lost my dang mind and now all I can see is the potential. I know I can get there. Like all my high school report card would say “does not perform to potential.” That’s me right now. I am not performing to my potential. In high school I couldn’t see my potential. Math is real hard, mmmkay!

Now, I care. I want it bad. I want to feel confident again. I want to go and do things with my family/friends and not have a battle with my thoughts about what the table next to me is thinking about my appearance. I want to enjoy the moments. I want to take pictures, full body shots even. (Not the drinking kind where you lay on a bar, Mama!) I want to stop hiding behind my kids in pictures and start feeling proud again. I know my potential and I am about to blow it’s frickin’ mind.

Stay tuned, y’all!

[fromchunktokrunk]

Pappy's hands

As my Pappy went through his final days on this earth and I watched countless family members and friends come to him and hold his hands and say their "good-byes" to the sweetest man I have ever known, it made me reflect on what all those hands have done. I touched on this on a post I did on his birthday, but I wanted to expound on it a little more. So here goes.... I picture Pappy's newborn hand in 1917 wrapping around his Mother's finger shortly after he was born. Even before that I imagine it held his twin brother, Frank's hand a time or two inside their Mother's womb. I know for sure his hands held my Grannie's on February 25th 1940, their wedding day. Those hands also built them a grand home that they would raise all 8 of their children in. One that he re-built after the first one was burned down. I know he held his children's hands often. Crossing streets, through sicknesses, nightmares and the prayers he prayed with them. Those hands provided comfort. I will never forget the feeling of comfort he gave me on March 6th 1996. I was eleven and my father had passed away. It was my Mom and sister who broke the news to me right after checking me out of school. They told me and Grannie and Pappy were waiting in their blue Cadillac for us to reach the car. I slid into the middle seat as my Mom wrapped her trembling arm around my neck, my sister interlocking hers around me. Grannie was in the passenger seat trying to hide her tears that were streaming down her beautiful cheeks. Pappy turned from the driver's seat toward me and placed his warm, strong hand on my skinned up Tom boy knee and said "Sugar, you listen to your Pappy. It is all going to be okay. You are gonna be alright. Okay, Sugar?!" I nodded "yes" and wiped my cheeks with my fresh from recess dirty hands and I knew it would be okay eventually, because my Grannie and Pappy were there. **Now you see Pappy called all is girls "Sugar" and all the boys "fellars." It took me a long while to realize I wasn't the only one he called that. ;) Now, back to those hands... Pappy was a self taught wood worker and he was one of the BEST at it. I am biased, but his work stands for itself. My favorite works of art, and I am sure are to so many of us are his "Lytlelins" (his hand made violins). There are many grains of wood his hands have passed over throughout the years. Pappy's hands held my Mom's, my sister's and mine before he walked us down the aisle on our wedding days. He was right there when I walked out with my poofy dress and eyes welled up with tears, I reached for his hand and he grabbed mine. Right before the doors would open up and we would walk down the aisle he said "Come on, Sugar. I love you." That was a precious moment that I hold dear. He held Grannie's hand often. He always said "never let the sun go down on an argument" and I don't think they ever did. It was Pappy's hand that was holding Grannie's on her final days on the earth. Just letting her know he was there. She was his "Honey" as he so affectionately called her. It was his children, countless family and friends that held his hand on his final days and comforted him. Even though we all knew he wasn't scared to die. He told us as much on Thanksgiving Day as a family. "Nobody wants to die. But, I'm not scared of it. I know Jesus Christ is my Savior and I know just where I am going." Oh and he told us we only had ten minutes to cry after he passed. Sorry, Pappy I have far exceeded the limit. I think we all have. "Our bladders are too close to our eyes" as he would say. As I take one last look at Pappy's hands tomorrow I will be praising God that I got to hold them a little while, be comforted by them, taught by them and hugged by them and how much love those hands had in them. Pappy, I wish I could've heard the trumpets roar and the angels sing as you entered the gates of Heaven and placed your precious hands into your Father's as he said "Well done! My good and faithful servant!" -your Jennifer

[fromchunktokrunk]

29 by 29

Hey y'all! I am going to be making a huge comeback! I know it has been a long hiatus. A lot has happened since I last blogged. I moved from my hometown of Shreveport, LA to the great city of Austin. I have found a wonderful job that I love and have gained some fantastic friends. But, now that I am all settled in, it's time to get real with myself again and acknowledge that my journey has not ended. I have 35 more pounds to lose and it's time I get busy with it. 

I am calling my newest goal 29 by 29. I plan to lose 29 pounds by my 29th birthday on September 4th. It's sort of a hefty goal, but one that I am going to murderlize! (3 Ninjas, anyone?) 

I am in hardcore mode. Ready to rock it out and begin to feel good again. I am tired of feeling like I am wasting time and gaining and losing back down to the same weight over and over again. Yo-yo-ing sucks. Seriously, who enjoys throwing a yo yo?! I always got the string all knotted up.I am not a patient person. Now, Yo-Yo Balls, those were legit!

I appreciate all of my readers and all of the messages of encouragement I have received as well as just sweet notes/comments you have sent me during my absence, I read each and every one of them. Deciding to blog and put myself out there as I lose weight has been one of the best things I have ever done. So thank you! 

I have made an instagram you can follow me there my name is : fromchunktokrunk. I haven't posted any pics just yet. I will be uploading pics of my food and all sorts of silliness I'm sure. 

Well, here's to 29 by 29, it ain't always gonna be pretty but it will always be worth it. 

Stay tuned and watch me go from chunk to krunk! 

[fromchunktokrunk]

I am the very definition of a white girl. My dance moves haven't changed, but my body has. This pic further fuels my motivation to lose my last 25. I can't wait to weigh in on Monday and let you know the results. Stay tuned, party people....

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Twenty Five Footballs

No this is not about football season starting. No “Who Dats” here, don’t worry.  I am married to a nerd, so no football watchin’ in our house. Thank, God!  25 footballs are what I have left to lose and I am ready to rock it out.  

I know it has been a while since I blogged. I feel like there has been nothing happening that is worthy enough to blog about. Then I realized maybe some folks are in the same boat as me. I am at the point now where I just feel “content” as to where I have come. Now don’t get me wrong, I am NOT completely satisfied with the way I look. I just feel better. So, I haven’t been trying real hard to lose. I have just been maintaining. I know not very exciting. I still want to lose my last 25 pounds. I have just got in a “lull.” The good news is, I have learned how to maintain my weight by balancing my calories and that makes me less scared that I will turn right back into a Rosie O’ Donnell look alike at the end of it all. {My apologies to Rosie’s 3 fans that may be reading this.}

So, what’s the plan? I am re-focused. I am ready to lose it all. Not stopping until I get to my 60 pound mark! This means I will be meeting my 1200 calorie limit and not exceeding it. Also, eating “good calories” a lot of veggies and fruit and getting into an exercise routine. I need to tone up this melted Silly-Putty looking body.  I am pretty sure Jack Nicholson looks the same as me naked these days... plus or minus a few parts of course. ;)

In other news, even though I have not lost any more pounds I have some progress to report. I have dropped a total of 4 pant sizes since I started.  I can’t believe where I was and where I am now. When I walk in the clothing store I still want to go to my old size and when I hold it up to myself it is a crazy big difference.  It makes me want to make my own Jenny Craig commercial and hold up my pants and drop them Marie Osmond style.  Maybe I will do that…

Stay tuned and watch me go from chunk to krunk.

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Holy granola goodness, Batman! These are worth all 140 cals!

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How is your Tuesday going so far?

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Ay-men!

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Note to self

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Sweeping the last leg of my journey

                            Motivation is something I have needed a lot lately. These past few weeks have been extremely hard to press on and keep going.  I think I have just been in a comfortable place. I have been searching for my drive, my spark for a few weeks now and I have found something that lit my fire and spoke to me, it was just what I needed to hear. Nope, it is not some touching words from Oprah or some nasty pile of pig fat Dr. Oz was talking about. It was something so thought provoking and unexpected.  As I was passing by the TV last night with my cold glass of milk and double stuf Oreos in hand (don’t judge me), walking toward the couch I heard these poignant words from Sensei John Kreese from The movie The Karate Kid:

Sensei: Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it? Karate Class: NO, SENSEI! Sensei: Pain does not exist in this dojo, does it? Karate Class: NO, SENSEI! Sensei: Defeat does not exist in this dojo, does it? Karate Class: NO, SENSEI!

Well, that was it. I was inspired by The Karate Kid and the dang bad guy in the movie.  

In my personal dojo, fear, pain and defeat should not exist. I will NOT lose the battle within myself to lose weight and be healthy. I will push through and I will lose the last 26 dag blasted pounds I have planned on losing for the past few months and it begins right now. I am going to stop just eating healthy during the week and having a fast food binge all weekend. I mean it is fun to eat whatever you want but how much friggin’ sense does that make? Work hard for 5 days to ruin in it all in 2? No thanks, man. I am turning in my fat girl card for my new membership to the Cobra Kai dojo.  I am now going to live by the Cobra Kai Mantra. Fear, pain and defeat do not exist within me anymore.

Now, you know I couldn’t end this post without linking you to an awesome video based on the BEST line of the movie “Sweep the Leg.”  

Wanna see my Cobra Kai membership card? See pic below. It’s official y’all, I am Cobra Kai for life!

Stay tuned and watch me go from chunk to krunk.

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My membership card! Woo!

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Sisterhood of the Traveling Swim Suit?!

Well, on Sunday I decided to bite the bullet and go look for a fat suit AKA a swim suit. Let me tell you how my swim suit purchasing usually goes: I go to at least 4 stores when I arrive I  begin the horrible process of trying on anything that doesn’t look like a lunch lady would wear it (no offense to any lunch ladies out there. I love your slop, slop, sloppy joes!). “Cute” suits are few and far between in my size, so I usually give up at the last store and buy whatever suit I could stretch over my rapper’s girlfriend boo-tay. I walk up to the check-out clerk knowing she is thinking that is the most horrible modge-podge floral print suit ever and this humpty dumpty chick is going to look like a big ole summer vacay scrapbook page . On the way out, I usually stop by the pretzel place to cheer myself up about feeling fat. HA! Then, I know y’all all do it too, I turn on some Norah Jones and cry all the way home about how awful I looked and how fat I am. Oh, that’s just me? *crickets chirping* I am so glad this time it was different experience.

Well, I decided to just go straight to Dillard’s since they have a varied and large selection to choose from, so I figured I could find something. Well I went in the dressing room with  4 suits. Tried the first one on and it fit but it just wasn’t that cute. I threw the second suit on and turned around to the mirror, it fit and I didn’t want to immediately barf on the floor of the dressing room. I kinda liked it. I REALLY loved the pattern too. I can finally fit into the cute patterned suits. Do whaaa?! This is craze-ay! So, I spared myself trying on the other 2 suits and bought this magical suit. Surely, this is like a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants swim suit , can every joker fit in this suit? I was also thinking hang onto the receipt, day dreamer. It’s the store mirrors making you look halfway decent, durr. So, I am on the way out of the mall and I pass the pretzel place.Yes! I passed by it. Now, it did smell delicious and I definitely wanted a hot, doughy, buttery, salty delicious prezel, but I didn’t stop. Who goes to the mall and doesn't get a pretzel? This is an insane day. Feeling proud I jumped in my car skipped the Norah and started singing/rapping right along to some Ludacris..don't judge me, the man is a lyrical genius! I was feeling great and proud of how far I have come and then it started… the tears. I cried which is nothing new when I buy a swimsuit but, this time it was out of joy! It was such a refreshing and new feeling for me.  Now let me tell ya I will NEVER look like Giselle Bun-cha-whatev in a bathing suit, and that’s okay. I look better than I have in years and that is completely fine with me! It was a good day, y’all!

Well, I am trying to dig up some old bathing suit pics of me to show you a before and after, but I did a great job of not taking many swimsuit pics in the past for good dang reason! I will keep looking and make a before and after post. Again, make sure you have your barf bag in hand.

Stay tuned and watch me go from chunk to krunk!

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It's ONLY a pound, pshhhh!

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It's officially Summa...Summa...Summa time

Guess what honkie tonks? I lost 1lb. this week. HOLLA! Why am I so happy about just ONE pound? Well, did you see the above pic? Also, I may have indulged this week in a chicken poboy from Popeye’s….and cajun fries too. Oh, and the cheeseburger I had on Father's Day, I know it wasn't Mother's Day... but dadgummit I was feeling celebratory!  :/ So, I am just happy I didn’t gain weight this week after my little splurge. This brings my total weight loss to 33.6 pounds.  I am getting closer to my 40 pound mark and that my friends is better than farther, amirite?

Well, summer time has officially arrived. That means two things.. one, it’s hotter than a 2 dollar pistol and two.. it’s bathing suit time. Oh geesh! I would rather slide down a razor blade into a pool of alcohol than go try on swimsuits. I am glad to know I look better than I did last year; I am just not down with showing off my SDHHTPL (Sand Dune Ham Hocked Telephone Pole Legs) just yet. Ah well, I love the sun and the water so I guess I better go try and find something that looks halfway decent, although it will probably look like two pigs wrastlin’ under a blanket. (Steel Magnolias, anyone?) My sister, whom I love more than my luggage will like that one. *Shout out, Mel!*

I have decided I am going to start posting on my weigh in day every Friday. Also, I know some people have asked how they can be alerted when I create a new blog post. Well, Google Reader is an excellent way to do just that. When I hit my 40 pound mark I plan on uploading a new progression pic, so be on the lookout for it in the next few weeks.

I am so thankful for all of YOU who read my blog. I LOVE all of the random e-mails, messages (even from complete strangers) and Facebook friend requests I receive. I especially love it when I hear I have inspired someone to begin their weight loss journey or I push them to go harder. Y’all keep ME going and make ME work harder!  So, thank YOU!

  Stay tuned and watch me go from chunk to krunk!