fromoneboytoanother - Tumblr blog

[fromoneboytoanother]

Curl around a finger

When your mom and I first started to put you to sleep in your own crib, I had no idea how to put to sleep. Sometimes we'd hold you for an hour until you passed out. Or sometimes we'd drop you in there an let you cry yourself to sleep. What I thought worked the best was reaching down and patting you to sleep. Sometimes quite aggressively if you're persistent in staying awake. One night, you grabbed one of my fingers and pulled it close to your face. Your grasp was firm, and you'd scream if I pulled it out because you were fully down. I started to sit or lie next to the crib and reach in between the side bars. You'd twist your whole body around to try and grip my finger. I'd like to think my hands reaching for you brought comfort. That it made you feel protected and secure. That it made you feel like you weren't alone even when you can't see anything around you. But what you did for me is so much more. I don't think I realized how special this feeling was until I saw you reject others' hands from doing the same. It made me feel needed and valued. Like I was irreplaceable. Fatherhood has been hard because I don't think I knew that I could be a good dad, and when I get home tired from work, I typically felt like I didn't even want to try. Up until these moments, I don't know if I felt confident that I was "irreplaceable" as the person who could be your dad. It's been a few months, but you still reach for my finger when I put you to sleep. I don't think I'll ever get sick of it. I don't mind anymore if it takes you an hour or two to fall asleep anymore because it makes me feel like I'm your dad. The reality is though, soon, you won't need me to hold your hand to feel safe enough to fall sleep. But I'm afraid I'll never grow to not need you to remind me that I'm your dad.

[fromoneboytoanother]

The What & the Why

Despite the tumblr handle, this is not a gay confession blog. I just felt a random inspiration to document letters to my son as I navigate fatherhood for the first time. I don't have a vision of what this will be yet, but, knowing myself, I have a feeling this won't be a long term commitment. Who knows I guess. I guess I felt I need to write these thoughts down because I know he won't remember them even if I told him. Because I know I want to treasure these moments, and it saddens me to know that great days can easily be forgotten. P.S. the title of the blog is called "From One Boy to Another" for two reasons: 1. I thought about calling it "From One Man to Another", but that sounded masculine to the point that it sounds like I'm trying to overcompensate. 2. I still feel like a boy at the ripe age of 32. My favorite meals are pizza and hamburgers; I still get excited about men 10 years younger than me get touchdowns on Sundays; and penis jokes are still hilarious.