frownyfacehuman

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: emptiness

i feel like things are just slightly off, and that the things that are happening are both confusing and unfamiliar feeling. the subtle discomfort that my recent days have been plagued with feels in a lot of ways harder than some more pronounced let downs. im not sad or intensely affected by something, but rather im just unfullfilled and thus a little empty. im over everything by just a pinch and that makes it all so difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. im clinically unenthused. i also worry constantly if im being normal. i also wonder if other people are happy or if they all know something i dont. i feel like they must. because i think if we’re all on the same page information-wise that it is super confusing that people behave how they do. i feel there must be some missing piece that explains the bizareness, which once unveiled will resolve any concerns ive had about the life philosophies of other people. i really dont get why i shouldnt leave school to be a cook. i know it sounds stupid and i know it is actually a really obvious life error by most peoples standards, but i love food and i love being so busy that you become 100 percent immersed in your task. it feels rly nice to disappear like that. I love the idea of disappearing, or like being in such harmony with your surroundings that you’re barely there. i am more of an accompanying harmony back up singer than i am a main act. i used to be quite worried about this cos i felt like damn shouldnt i take up more space? but you know what i dont need to. i guess what i truly want is just the feeling of fitting in. i think ive been starved of that delicious emotion of belonging in my life. so i fight for my space even though i dont think i deserve it; and this is why i take to the task so eagerly. I feel unworthy of a seat at the table so much so that i feel i need to justify being there at all. am i providing a service? am i being nice? am i being funny? am i agreeing with and encouraging everyone? if yes then i of course am i allowed to exist, but if i am costing and taking from my environment more than i give, its like im a stock thats failing. i feel a need to produce value for others in order to validate myself. but i am valid no matter what. i know that i know this but i also know that on top of just not questioning myself i need to encourage my own desires thoughts and opinions and be very loud and clear about who i am. 

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: bruuh

i was reminded twice in one day of two separate idiot men who used me in the past. In conversation for one, during which it was discussed at length that the guy was such a player and had been seeing so many people recently, and the second time I literally ran into this other dude on the street and he didn’t even notice me and he was genuinely surrounded by like supermodels (barely even exaggerating) and he was just eating a slice of pizza with all these gorgeous girls standing around. i was like wow the universe is really trying to tell me something by putting these two instances right beside each other. During the times I was with those guys I had the suspicion that they were players but then convinced myself it was possible they weren’t, then afterwards both times i discovered i was correct. And these slimey dudes get to feel so good about themselves and the girls (multiple) who see them end up being the ones who are put through emotions cos of it. It is not fair at all and makes me wonder literally WTF does a girl gotta do to be treated with respect by a man who she finds cute even. Bc women are seen as disposable. And I was seen as that by both of these dudes and I totally went along with it and especially for one of them I let him have too much when I was gaining so little. And i allow this to happen because i have a societally built-in cavity for male approval that I cannot seem to get rid of. And it is so detrimental to me. I wish I valued myself higher those times, but simultaneously I know that if I had that I would prob never see any dudes at all because they know that if you wont take their BS that some other poor girl will cos cool and pretty girls who dont know their worth are a dime a dozen in this society of ours guys. it is so unfortunate ... poor women 

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: fuzz

I have stopped contemplating and I am even more confused than before but what is good about it is that at least my confusion doesn’t confuse me; I accept it and move on. I will never understand anything, least of all myself. Except for when I do, when I consider myself from a 3rd person perspective. This has not been a big activity for me lately however, as I am simply prioritizing experience rather than meaning. This shift has started pretty recently and I must say that things are so vivid. Somehow this even led me to a realization, which was nice because I was not looking hard for it as I always am. Regardless, I will do nothing and change nothing ever since having realized this fundamental thing about how I have been conditioned to latch onto a person from whom I will derive validation- often figures with whom I can mimic the relationship I had to my father when young. This is with regards to me feeling that I do not understand the inner thoughts of the figure and that I become fundamentally consumed by their approval of me, manifesting in activities in which I portray an idealistic image of a cute young girl that is infatuated by their perceived intellectual cultural or otherwise superiority over me. The moments in which I realize how small insignificant and insecure the men i for some reason must idealize are are funny bizarre and overarchingly dismissed in favor of the narrative I am for some reason forcing myself to play out. I know there is nobody who can fulfill the image of complete greatness I want to latch onto. I will likely not be able to stop doing this despite my awareness of it as a result of my being so at home in this self-destructive entertainment. It is so inevitable and I have nothing to do to stop it. I used to think of myself as authentic but now I realize I am inevitably not so, and this is comforting because it makes any realization I have miniscule. Miniscule because I am miniscule. And all of this is much easier than pretending I am a unique individual consciousness who must discover the depths of itself. There are no depths. I am a stupid dummy whose exclusive goal is to persist everyday and laugh about it all. It is all so dumb. I will continue to be my surface level dummy self since summer is coming up and then after that I will feel the shame and intentional introspection of my winter self. For now, I will be a camp portrayal of the present emotions I feel, even if they are flawed, which they are and I have no choice. I am breaking character only for this entry. I am excited to go out into the world tomorrow and act as myself, because I do not know what that entails yet. Spontaneity puts me at the whim of external influences, but this assumes that if I think really hard that I can overcome the influences within me. My tendency to make complex delusions from reality come from somewhere too. It is now that I will face reality reality rather than pseudo reality of being consumed in inner thought. No more thought! Just do. I am like completely at my wits end with the meaning of my existence so I think becoming more immersed in the surface level will be good. 

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: damn

yea 

Its just like damn,, because there is so much shit out of my control. I started swearing more recently because I feel like it more accurately reflects my feelings toward things. I have to figure out an apartment for next year and this made me realize how expensive everything is and the fact that I don’t have a job does not ease this feeling of anxiety towards the prices of life. I am really over the effort that many things take, and wish that things would work themselves out. I have a lot of school work to do and I am spending money to live in a city to get a degree that I don’t even think will be very fruitful after I graduate. I was planning to become a flight attendant after I graduate because I don’t think I can get a degree in my field since my degree is like probably useless; I do think I am good at it and enjoy it though. I have not had a romantic life in like forever and there is no place to go partying- these things are not important but they are a great distraction from all the stresses. I want like some kind of intense catharsis. I was gonna say I am worried about the future but that is not even necessarily true, because what I am more concerned about than my own future is the way it will be perceived. I think I could be happy doing something pretty simple but I notice that people praise things that they think are worth praising. This is the same reason why I feel a need to have some kind of sex life to be able to talk about; in reality, I feel pretty fine not hooking up with anyone because usually they do not deserve me. Sounds conceited but is true. There are many gross men in the world. Anyway, um yeah I want a fucking job so that I can have money. Duh, because of the aforementioned shit being expensive thing. I have been applying and employers don’t seem to care. I also think a job would make me unhappy but at least it would be a different kind of unhappiness and it would also allow me to buy things with the money they will pay me for my labor. I wish I knew how to DJ. Another (unrelated) problem is that everyone around me is rich and just has completely different views on everything. I don’t know if I am cut out for this life of being one of the world’s many flexy people who think about their personal brand a lot. Cos when it comes to the personal brand, mine is like not very powerful in the flexing context. I don’t have a big friend group and trendy clothes and shit so I get afraid I might be viewed as some kind of loser. I feel really grounded and satisfied most of the time though. And pretty content with just simple things. I value comfort a lot more than most things, and now I don’t even have that so I feel like a loser. If I can’t even vibe (which has been hard recently since everything is bothersome and yet ever-present) and I have no stats in the social competition then I’ve got nothing going for me. I debated for a moment today to go back to majoring in Econ, because then even if I don’t feel that satisfied I will still have security later. What I want and what I work towards is idealistic, so if it doesn’t happen, then I will have sacrificed in the name of a dream that never happened and will have nothing left. Maybe it is better to at least get something concrete going for me. Because if the dreams don’t happen then there will have been no reason for neglecting the logical routes. The reason I write this terrible entry is because I know that these are thoughts I need to get out of my head. Non-healthy thoughts. I hate so many things that people say. The little things that people say which I hear and am deeply annoyed by. I must be honest about this because if I am not then I will feel like I am condoning it, and I am aware of how fanatical it sounds to be so bothered by the constant little annoying comments people are always making. But people say so much bullshit all the time and it sticks with me and makes me feel little amounts of like hatred,, like ...  why would you say that even lol? I know people often say things they don’t mean though so I don’t hold it against them too much but damn are people annoying sometimes. I need different people around me I think. I feel like the world I live in these is days is covered in a thick layer of bullshit. I used to have some people who saw through it and then we’d talk about the BS, but sometimes they show another face in which they are full of BS themselves. People I thought were real ones turned out to be fakes :,-/. So sad, frowny face, yea yea yea. I know not many people that keep it real. It’s making me be like, fuck it should I play the game too?. Probably not though. I’ll keep my head down, manage my shit, and then find the right space for myself one day. I really hope so. And I am going to operate with the best possible scenario in mind. Simultaneously, I am going to prepare for the worst. How? I will no matter what be able to pay the bills if I get a small apartment and busy work schedule and if this ends up being this case I will also get a cat to avoid dying of loneliness. Just like that, things won’t be so bad. And this is the scenario if I end up not getting some form of big-shot situation, in which case I will be unhappy in a very nuanced way. Life is easy and I am privileged. It may sound like I am being sarcastic, but I truly mean it.

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: residual awkwardness

what more is there to say? i feel residual awkwardness. better to not think about all of the awkward goings-on than to suffer this lack of equipoise. but i cant, because the awkwardness affects me. not very deeply but at a surface level which is all consuming. i am the surface level in the current moment anyways so why shouldn’t it impact me anyways. the remedy is to wash it away with something bigger and more distracting than residual awkwardness. perhaps i should do something this afternoon like cook or bake or go to the movies climb the mountain or smoke. i haven’t decided yet how but i will overcome the moment. since i have skipped class anyways i better make it worth it. 

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: egypt

i wanna go and feel it just to see because i think it would be nice and i can learn a lot of things there. there is no amount of partying and instagram pics and hot outfits that can take the space of my yearning to connect with people that are genuine. i dont know about egypt but i know not that much genuineness goes on in the two north american big cities where i have met people throughout my life. i dont want it to sound like generalization but, speaking very candidly here, between friends, the values promoted in america and canadian society are largely rooted in the fulfillment of a certain self image that i cant fulfill because due to being POC the narrative that this culture gives me is one of a comedic relief side character that is weird and probably not that ‘fun’ as a result of being associated with things that nobody cares about such as oppression and the lingering notes of colonialism in the air that are only detected when pungent, such as in instances of white supremacy and the most extreme examples of capitalism’s negative impact. things are sometimes fun. but it doesnt really change the fact that what is underlying is not fun. like in doing something as simple as following trends and being obsessed with social media, we perpetuate the bottomless consumerism and feed into the demand for more efficient digital marketing to like indoctrinate the whole western world with nonsense that distracts us from ever doing anything meaningful. why do we all waste so much time on talking about stupid stuff and observing the lives of people who we know just to compare. this is like not the worst thing ever to do but it just represents being devoid of any concept of empathy and uncertainty. al amin said he saw the black part of his soul leave his body and that our souls come in and out of us and you can see it. the black is the evil and he said he saw it leave. he doesnt worry about the status of his identity at all. he doesnt play the games of personhood that some people make themselves crazy trying to get good at. i am so over the evil and i want to get rid of the black part of my soul. so i want to go somewhere that i can learn to actually be a person. i hope egypt is that place so bad. i hope it meets every idealistic fantasy i make of it in my head and have been making since forever. i truly do not fit in here in a way that i can feel good about. i can fit in and i know how, but i do not want to become something that i cannot respect. something that brags about itself and listens to reply rather than to simply listen and is vain and wants to be better than others. something that makes other people feel bad about themself. something that takes itself serious and doesnt laugh at things that are really funny but laughs at things that seem like they should be laughed at. i want to understand what is funny and what is serious because i think these ideas are too mixed up. i love when somebody laughs at something that is really funny and i didnt even realize until thinking twice how something is funny that i hadnt even thought twice about. i want to write a book about what is so funny. that lady at muji with the spray bottle for the face makes me laugh to this day. everything is such a hilarious joke. i dont want to take these jokes seriously. i just want to go chill and learn things and laugh at the certainty of some people. myself included alot of the time. i am sitting on the floor of my messy bedroom with a ripped curtain beside me that has a sculpture of 4 fingers that are in the forest that are posed as trees. clothes all around and i had time for this sculpture made from dollarama supplies and 11$ air dry clay. last night i was drunk and i still made dua before bed. i tell lies. these contradictions are what makes a person a joke. my priorities are not straight and i cant decide on one thing to be. i can laugh about it. i deleted ig for a semester and thought it totally change my views; like, girl shut up. i know that i am funny and not in the way that is a compliment. like funny as in to be laughed at. aminata called me a clown once and she was right. i am a clown. i wish i wasnt but i adopted clownery as a coping mechanism for life. i cant get shit done, i entertain my delusions, and i just want to have fun rather than be virtuous sometimes. i am able to laugh and have a good time with people that i do not really respect. it is clownery. it is potentially camp? the way that i idealize egypt is also funny because i do not know anything about it truly. this has also been an aspect of my clownery adopted in response to a lifetime of responsibilities and expectations i dont care about combined with beauty standards and culture that dont fit me and microaggressions. i hope my clownery is funny and i cant be loved despite it. or i hope that i can learn to overcome it. and then instead be like someone responsible with principles and on top of her shit as well. i acc was really killing it when i was able to convince myself to do so during the semester i deleted ig but i can’t do it again because it makes me a joke. it makes me the girl who is trying to be deep and better than everyone, even though thats not the case its just that i get too into it when i have it due to way it is designed to be addictive and make us all a bit self obsessed. we should all shut up. i should shut up. 

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: oddity (?)

oddity may not be an emotion per se but i feel it nonetheless, not dissimilarly to how sadness and happiness are felt. i know that there are a lot of things that i gravitate towards which are not coherent with imposed standards of glamorized behaviour from a disinterested trendy person. i am caught between wanting to be honest about the self that i am and wanting to appease social standards of carrying oneself. my best friend takes herself very seriously these days and laughs in the face of my honest ponderings and presentation of myself. laughs. that is the most disrespectful of all ways to show your teeth when it is directed at someone. smiling at them is nice. demonstrating a concern of dental logistics is openly welcomed. but when you laugh, at a person who is showing their honest self to you, a line is crossed by which you display the superiority you feel you have. i have laughed at people. and today after being laughed at i feel especially sorry. it is hard being an asshole so im trying not to, and when not being an asshole you get laughed at by the assholes who you used to behave amongst. hard. the thing is that assholes are the joke, though not explicitly, but certainly in they are in the eye of the universe’s deep knowing. how hilarious your self must be that you are so assured of your view. the universe says haha because the truth is we are all the joke. so everyone stop laughing if not laughing at the systems that makes us into the jokes that we all are, with such certainty, each day of our lives. identity is comedy, not ‘bizarre behaviour’. if ever laughed at, assert that the laughter itself is what is truly funny, because what is being seriously imposed is what is the most absurd. rather than laugh we should try to understand. i tell this as equally as i attempt to live it daily.

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: curiosity

curious about the world, curious to see if the seeds of what people seem to be becoming will end up growing entirely over the version of themselves i think that i know, curious about who i will become and where circumstance will take me, curious about if i will be able to follow my inherent urge to overcome the forces around me. i feel a bit confused by the vibes of my days, nothing is as i hope, but somewhat it is as i subconsciously expected. i want to be surprised; pleasantly surprised. each time i find a hypothesis true about people or the world i am pretty disappointed. i enjoy the wander of a person who hasn’t decided they have found their place in the world. what a person thinks they know stops them from giving the space to their feelings to become something disruptive and wonderful. i want to see more wonderful disruption that does not follow the order of narrative reality and to the people who display this i have infinite love. i am curious to see how it all unfolds, and i deeply hope that everything known is shattered by imagination.

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: blank

I went outside and came back now I feeeel blank in a good way. I must say outside is really amazing. I have school work I don’t want to do though and I am currently think a bit about how I wish I had a more interesting love life. These things though are not life-shattering and I am sure I will manage. So right now I am just chilling and not very bothered by anything. Just as bothered as usual but definitely no more than that ! so its a decent mood rn

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: fragility

I can’t handle much at the moment other than seclusion, resting, and baking. Even the baking is not bringing me much peace because my friend said my cake was too tart. These are hard days. I may like this other friend of mine but I am not sure at all. I also am unsure of his sexuality. School is pretty miserable at the moment as well; I somehow find myself months behind in material yet we are only a few weeks into the semester. I don’t want to go there at all; the weather is far too cold and I haven’t anything to say to my colleagues or professors. I don’t want to see anyone while I am out and about. Especially not someone specific who I would feel embarrassed if I ran into. I’ve been really enjoying catharsis recently; letting it all out is the only thing that feels natural. I don’t have the energy to be proactive; I am in a moment of existing passively. Everything requires so much from me, and the only moments in which I don’t feel that way are when I’m partaking in an activity that allows me to feel depersonalization. I feel somehow ashamed of my person despite truly loving myself. I think it is that I love myself but I know I am unable to present myself to the external world in the way it wants from me. I am good enough for me, so I feel comfortable when I’m just with me, or with a trusted friend. But any other setting has the potential to reduce me to what it incorrectly perceives of what I am. So these days I find myself in self imposed confinement to my apartment. What scares me is that I have to get on top of my shit; capitalism waits for nobody. The school thing is a pretty big deal. I also should probably get a job to cover my personal expenses. I miss the sun so much. I have been trying to wake up early, and I have been able to, but I just lay awake in my bed in the mornings because there is nothing inviting me to the outside. This is I suppose an entry about how the weather has prompted me incapable of functioning at even the most basic level. Winter is miserable. The things that make it better are intimate connection and genuine support and laughter and food. I am not having that much of these things. Due to covid and I guess also just the general vibe of the society I am currently living in. When I was home I felt some warmth. There are things there that make me uncomfortable but I felt a palpable embrace of warmth for sure. I lack the release of genuine warmth. Today I am supposed to go on a walk with my best friend, and I hope I will feel that emotion when I get to catch up with her. The chances are 50/50 though because things have changed between us and I don’t always feel connected to her when we speak anymore. Either way I still feel it is very likely I will enjoy talking to her. She is my best friend who I love. I think it is hard to be in-tune with others when we are not in-tune with ourselves, and I don’t know about her but I certainly have not been completely in tune with myself recently. I think though that given the conditions I have every right to lose it. I am privileged in so many ways but, equally, I am starved of connection with others, the joy of experiencing the randomness of the world, and the pleasure of simple physicality. Circumstance of my life at the moment is working against me feeling these things. It is hard to know who we are if we do not have the outside world and all of its people to interact with and give us the feedback off which personal identity is understood. I feel like nobody because of the isolation of this pandemic and the hyper-individuality brought about by tech and capitalism working together. Things are hard as well because my problems are slow and drawn out so it is some-what a non-problem in this regard; as there is intense suffering that happens all around the world as I type this. Intense suffering that I know about and have no power to fix at all. There is no end the world’s suffering. I am simply aware of it, aware of my powerlessness, and being asked to partake in all of these meaningless things that I do not care about. I just want security and community. Can’t say I am dodging life’s hits very well at the moment and thus the title of this entry is fragility. The smallest things are effecting me quite deeply. I need to center myself and feel more deeply rooted. I will strive towards this; not sure how yet but I know how intensely my heart craves stable connection to something at the moment. The isolation of a pandemic winter is noticeable and I mourn each day the joy that I crave.

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: clarity

i see whats going on. i wont perpetuate trends i need not agree with simply out of habit, and i will just indulge in the simple pleasures that present themselves to me. i dont owe anyone a thing. it is freeing to realize that it is not my responsibility to fulfill what someone expects of me, rather it is up to them to expect from me only exactly what i am, regardless of what it may be. a lot of people need to fuck off. a lot of people need a kiss on the cheek. sometimes they are the same people. everything is endlessly complicated and it is not my job to get to the bottom of things. i will just participate as i see fit, the limitation of which is my personal enjoyment/dissatisfaction; in an effort to be honest, i will not present myself any way or place that i dont want to be. my mood determines all. i hope to dance sing twirl laugh admire eat drink and smoke and feel. i have no desire to feed seeds of anxiety others may try to plant in me. i am boredom and nothing more, i will try to appease the need to fill silence or tend to it in a commemorative manner but the privileged problems others perceive they have do not interest me at all. i will appreciate. i am noone. and thats who i am. making me somebody. i long in a way that is perpetual thus with no end goal i will aspire to continue being aspirational. i hope nobody reads this because i think what i am saying makes sense only in my mind and comes off poorly 

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: apathy

I am writing this entry because I have precisely nothing to say. my brain feels like it is engulfed in a thick layer of fog, and if i could remove it from my head, and massage it thoroughly to make it anew, i would.  i have lost a sense of self and do not have any strong motivations at the moment other than to discover something i can deem my purpose. i wrote a paper about why it is detrimental to the self to identify strongly with anything, for it may lead to the perpetuation of realities that one is simply accustomed to rather than consciously choosing. yet, here I am, in the direct middle of a pool i have created for myself where the water is actually an endless ambiguity that i have personally fabricated by attempting to deconstruct my own identity. and it is kind of good and super meta, but also it is really empty-feeling. i thought and thought about self-concept for a long time and now i no longer identify with the person i see in the mirror, due to the fact that ive come to associate morality with selflessness, and to partake in vanity, to have inclinations and biases, to tend to one’s self-image, are all acts that i growingly resent myself for doing. it is like a mindset in which doing genuinely anything is theoretically embarrassing and vain, because unless it is a super simple human activity then it proabably doesn’t speak to the ~true essence~ of this human, who somehow found themself caught up in some really nuanced “identity” and “self”. but, you gotta do stuff so you do it anways and try to get enjoyment from it as much as possible. often you have fun. but you feel like an alien to your life sometimes. perhaps the fun is the self, because joy is true. this kind of outlook for me had been not all-bad, because it can lead to a feeling of being completely light, and appreciating things in their entirety; objective observation of life is more easily accessed when the body is seen as simply a tool rather than a full-fledged branded “self” with a name and everything. this outlook may sound kind of like dissociation and therefore be perceived negatively, yet i see nothing wrong with a refusal to agree and act in accordance with every narrative thrown at us about our own selves and who we are supposed to be that are fed to us by the universe; and this narrativizing is disproportionate and biased and weird, and it all depends on how we look, who we talk to, and where and when we are. so apathy can be a good thing or a bad thing, it is simply the absence of an inherent outlook that serves as a lens through which everything encountered is understood. it is disinterest driven by profound ambivalence towards everything. indifference is nothing if not true. i am numb but at least i am not delusionally subscribed to this bizarre world’s selection of truths we are given to choose from. so many identities are literally tropes. and you meet someone who is a perfect re-creation of a widespread trope, and you are like, firstly, astonished that they are not kidding all, and secondly, curious what this person could have been had they not allowed themself to become completely shaped by external influence and devoid of theirself beyond the fact of them being a product of their environment. there is nothing wrong with this other than it perhaps being shallow, yet in life there is no reward for being “deep”, and artists and philosophers are very often unhappy. the thing is though, there is no way to get rid of this apathy without kidding oneself, unless something extremely true finds you and pulls you out of yourself like a magician with a tablecloth. you cannot make yourself into a character and write yourself a life, rather you have to wait to somehow find yourself in a story without having even realized it as it happened. my main goal these days is to invite something to come and pull me out, swiftly, from my state of overthinking and ontological confusion. i want my story to grab me. i want to find something honest at the core of my being that would oppose apathy but be too deeply rooted to be so put-on. authenticity. it is a big deal. if i wanted to make myself into something i could, but i do not want to. i want something to make me into me, and i do not know what that something is yet, and i do not know what that “me” is yet. so i wait, in apathetic boredom, for life to bring forth my actively engaged most true self. tick fucking tock............. covid nineteen exacerbates this problem alot because it prevents me from going out into the world and experiencing all of it in order to truly know my self through observing my own reactions to my environment. there is hypothetically an alternate version of me who has been living in a covid free world all this time who has a very strong sense of self and the worst part about it is that i dont even know what she would be like. 

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: anticipation

i know i will be let down when my fantasies fail to become reality. when i imagine people, things, my life, my future self as all being a certain thing, they always show me that they are the opposite. i have poor predictive ability and it seems to be a built-in feature of the passing of time that i will always end up surprised by my reality. i feel myself anticipating that i will be, and that my life will be, rosy, chic, and exciting when i go back to my apartment in a different city from my parents house where i am now. this may end up being true or it may not. i am going there for essentially no reason (covid; everything online) other than that i anticipate i will have a more vivid experience of time’s passing there than i do here, where i can tell what my day will be like before it even happens. it is comfortable, yet my anticipation makes me antsy to get to a city where nothing actually awaits me if we are being honest. i have a few friends who are there, i enjoy my apartment itself, perhaps ill do some job hunting. these are reasonable things to look forward to. yet, i for some reason insist on telling myself the lie that the excitement i so deeply crave will be satisfied upon my return in a couple of days. my parents continually question me on why i am leaving and even i, as i hear my excuses leave my mouth, know that it sounds like bs. “i work better there, i can’t focus at home”... it is somewhat true i guess but a flimsy reason to give to your parents who want to spend time with you. what a terrible person i must be to leave my family simply because i just want Something to happen to me. something at all. and i feel like going is the first step. yet the anticipation is likely to lead to disappointment. maybe not though. i love my cozy reality at the moment honestly; it is really nice and has been good to be with my family so much. but, i am pretty obsessed with change and movement. i need to see what is next i guess. i have some space on my plate and life is a buffet; i want to look around and see what the food selection is. in doing so however, the food already on my plate will get cold. i hope the browsing is worth it and i find something delicious.

[frownyfacehuman]

service announcement

despite my introductory post, i have decided to discuss more than just negative emotions of which i wish to rid myself. i will also document that which is positive, or ambiguous, and warrants commemoration; hence my last post. thank you

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: admiration

i admire this panettone so much because it looks extremely delicious and beautiful. i just watched an alan watts video that has reminded me to feel the wave of life move through me freely without trying to direct it, as that will not be successful anyways. we are all part of the wave and interference is as much a symptom of the entire water movement as something that we see as being an inherent quality of the wave such as the tide. it is actually all the same. i will just follow what i am drawn towards and explore my self by simply being. without hindering myself i will attempt to just sit back and observe the spirit of my lifeforce propel my “self” into whatever reality it makes of me. the transformation of myself over time is not even a relevant point, for it is the experience of becoming that is meant to be felt, in all of its resonant glory that we call consciousness. there is no need to keep track. this kind of made me realize that this panettone makes me so happy to look at and i have no idea why, but it does not matter. i am really obsessed with this type of cake in general i cannot even explain it but i feel so much joy when i look at panettone. 

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: lust

lust for an idealized version of a person who i barely even know to come sweep me off my feet and solve all of my problems. he has a life that seems pretty different from mine and has also not expressed much interest. it is time for me to let go of this crazy idea in my head and get realistic about how it will likely be a long time until i experience my next kiss with another person. i look forward to it though because i love to kiss. in his eyes i saw sparkles though and i dont see that in many boys so i hope to meet my next muse for my mental fantasies soon, to erase this glowing boy from my memory. it is always the eyes that stick around in my head, and drive me crazy each time i remember the instance of deep eye contact with another person that made feel intensity toward them to begin with. i love special glances and i wish they didnt hold onto me so much, because it is exactly that which fuels the potent lust that i feel towards anyone ive ever thought about romantically. often the memory of a specific gaze with someone that took me over in the moment that it happened, or a specific touch that i remember and re-play in my head, will speak over the many reasons why it is at my own detriment to make myself so available to that person. i am a girl who is barely in touch with reality and basically worships the concept of escapism, so right now, i want to fall in love i think. just because i would appreciate the active engagement it would get from my bored heart. 

[frownyfacehuman]

the beginning

I will use this blog to document my sadnesses; this will be a place for my sad emotions to live so as to avoid them plaguing my ability to feel joy in daily life. Perhaps it will be more than just sadnesses in here, as there are other emotions that I may need to throw away. I want to let things go because it is important to rid myself of that which I have no use for, to avoid clutter.