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[frozenfeather]

Me

You made my life as beautiful as it can be. You helped me see what I could not admit. 

And it was incredibly easy for you to do that. You can turn my fatigue into an immense pleasure. You are the only one I’d wish for, if I didn’t know you existed.

[frozenfeather]

Fragile

I saw you so vulnerable yesterday. So fragile that I almost felt I could kill you just by holding you a little bit more. 

But then I saw your strength again. Like an airplane. You took your life in your hands and brought it to safety.

You taught me how to dream. You showed me courage but also fear. You are the best thing that ever happened in my whole life.

You change every day a little bit, but still manage to be still the same deep within.

[frozenfeather]

Air

You taught me how to breathe. I can breathe on my own now, even without your presence. This still doesn’t mean I cannot miss feeling your depth when I breathe in. You found me in a corner, fists clenched. Eyes down. Disillusioned. But your light made me raise my head and notice you. I’m writing this because I got nothing else to offer at the moment. Nothing better than you could possibly already have.  I feel like a bubble. Just like the other day.

[frozenfeather]

Eyes

Your eyes. You deleted them. But I won’t. I cannot undo what I’ve done. And I won’t take anything back. I can only play by your rules.

[frozenfeather]

Both

You told me yesterday that you wouldn’t want me to go back to my home country. It would be too far.  Tears started to drop from my eyes when I read that.  I haven’t told you one thing. I have a friend who is undergoing some renovations at their workplace. They’re in charge there. And they offered me a position, well paid.  If only it wouldn’t mean moving 2000 km away from here and, by extension, from you.  I haven’t decided yet because no matter how attractive the offer may sound, it would be incredibly game changing to my life and I’m not sure if in a good way. And I am not sure I wanna take such a drastic step towards the unknown.  People are somewhat easier. But that place is a bit scary.  So I think I’ll stay here nearby. For my own sake. 

And for you. 

For both. 

They’re flapping.

[frozenfeather]

Butterflies

I know, it’s a forbidden word. But as soon as I wished you goodnight I couldn’t bring myself to sleep. I heard them flapping their wings voraciously within my chest. I woke up at 6 am and went out for a walk. It was amazingly fresh for a summer morning, I was even shivering a bit. It reminded me of our sweet talks.  Christ, just by thinking of you. Anyting about you. Thinking of all the possible ways to love you. To taste your body.  I won’t be able to freely talk to you the way I like. I need a rant. I need a place where I can simply let it out. Without holding back. This is what it is.

You think you’re helding me back. I’m doing this for me and for you, because that’s totally what  I’m going to do. For both of us. I felt what you feel inside. you cannot deny it. It was real. I will wait. Up until the end of the world if necessary. 

Until then, I’ll be the master of butterflies.