fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

I’m Struggling... still

Hey Tumblr (or whoever is reading this),

I just want to start off by saying that I think it’s time I start titling my posts and dating them. Oh also using correct grammar and spelling. My posts are usually rants or heartfelt moments that I just keep going on and on, without any end. I want to organize my posts from now on.

(okay now on to why I’m on here, no real names btw, except for Rocio)

Well, as the title suggests... I am still struggling and getting used to not being with Rocio. I wish I knew what is holding me from moving on, I mean we did break up about over a month ago; she still has this light hold on me. I don’t really think about her like I used to, but shit still hurts man, I sometimes think of her when I’m working or when I’m listening to music or when I’m just minding my own business. The thought of me just being with her and holding her and kissing her is still in my head, its just like this whole ordeal is a nightmare and I’m soon going to wake up and she’s gonna call me “babe” and we’re gonna smile and kiss and we’re going to go eat some PHO like we always did and then come home and watch a movie (not really, probably going to have sex) and I’m going to go home at 2am and sleep well and wake up and text her “good morning babe! <heart emojis>,” and then I realize that it’s not going to happen.

I decided to just keep these feelings to myself because they are small and occasional and usually do not ruin my day like they used to. I mean I kind of have to. My best friends (S, V, D) all basically hate her a lot and so does my entire family as they seen what I go through when we break up. Her family hates me too, it’s obviously a lose-lose scenario and I am still here basically kinda missing her. But then I ask myself, if in fact I miss HER and not just the company or just the thought of her. That’s where I find myself. I am unsure about what part I miss of Rocio. I know time will heal all wounds, but now I think to myself if I’m fucked up because of our breakup. I already fucked up.

I decided to make a fucking Tinder (out of all the stupid decisions I have done, this has got to be one of the dumbest) and typed up a great bio and added photos of myself that I knew would catch the attention of some. I honestly was shocked to see so many beautiful and gorgeous girls. I fell in love with so many girls the first day I used the app it was hilarious. I remember swiping right a couple of girls who I thought were cute as fuck, and only two responded with a swipe themselves (but we can disregard them) and there was one girl I super liked but that shit was accidental. Well I thought “just my luck!” and decided to message her anyways. It was a great conversation, it really was, I was intrigued and messaging her through the night, and our conversions were great! I couldn’t believe the gold I struck with this girl (we’ll call her Kilo). I decided to meet Kilo right away and asked her on a date to this fancy Italian restaurant in Irvine (it was okay). Well the shock of the night was fucking her! I was so disappointed when I saw her, she was photogenic as FUCK. She was a lot chunkier than she lead on and she had this weird neck. I was so pissed man, I brought her flowers and she made it a big deal (honestly it wasn’t). I was really mad, we got into my car and I was speechless, but I powered on and completed the date and I just didn’t know what to think, I was still in shock tbh. I really don’t remember what we talked about or what was said. I still wanted to see her, but I knew I should have told her the truth. I saw Kilo the next weekend, we messaged, but not as much as the first week. I think I liked it more that we messaged and not when we hung out because I was still thinking about how deceived I felt about buying flowers, getting nervous to meet this new girl, and driving a fucking hour to and from her place to get a girl looking like her. Shit I know I’m not that good looking, but what you see in the photo is literally, what you fucking get man. Her with make-up looked like a new person. That really bothered me. That weekend we had sex. We hooked up. It felt good to have sex again, but then I discovered she was very sensitive and she orgasm really quick and many times. I wasn’t mad about that. I felt ok at the end of the night. The worst part was that she did not know how to fucking kiss and that killed it for me (put the nail in the coffin). But I’m too fucking nice to even say something. I hate myself for that. I did not have the balls to tell her that it was a mistake and that I do not like her at ALL.

The next week was silence. I did not text her nor did I want to. She seems like a good girl but she’s to young for me and I did not find her attractive at all, I fucking forced myself to think she was, but I was not going to waste my damn time and try to pretend. What did my dumbass do? Told her I would spend the weekend at her apartment! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? I arrived Friday and I already had regrets, I felt like my brain was doing shit without me even knowing. We cuddled and tried to watch a movie, but we ended up fucking again. We slept and woke up the next day. I fucked her again. But it didn’t even feel good nor did I want to. That’s when I realized that I was thinking with my other fucking head. I just wanted to fuck her. That’s it and even then I still didn’t even enjoy it. I tried so hard to cum, but I fucking couldn’t. I thought about Rocio and how fucking amazing her body was and how I would smack her ass and go down and eat her out and how she enjoyed me. That was the fucking void I was trying to fill. It failed. I regretted so much. I then realized I had to get out, I had to bail on Kilo. I felt ashamed. I felt like another typical douchebag, I felt like I was one of those trash men. I was.

In some details that I will probably never tell, I managed to leave her apartment on Saturday (I was suppose to stay until Sunday afternoon) and I just went to sleep. I haven’t really talked to Kilo, I’m supposed to call her this Saturday or something to explain what went down. I do not want to see her even though I left my flannel, towels, and pillows at her apartment. She wanted a heartfelt relationship and I could not commit nor give her that. I thought I wanted that too, but just being disillusioned by her appearance ruined that for me. I stopped and told myself that I can do better and that I have to uphold the fucking standards I know I have. I have to take control of my fucking life. That’s what I got from this 4 week ordeal. I know what I need to do. 

My mind right now is not capable of handling a relationship nor even dealing with a girl in that magnitude. I just want to fuck around and have a good time. For right now, I do not want to commit and I want to meet as many girls as I can. I want to flirt and have fun. I want to go to clubs and dance my ass off and be drunk with friends. I want to finally graduate and be able to work at an office full-time. I want to hang out with my brother and sister as much as I can before I have to move out and it becomes harder. I want Rocio back. As of now. I really want to know what she thinks. She’s probably seen my tweets. I tweeted and then deleted things because I thought she might see them. I stopped tweeting shit about my love life because I do not want her to look at them and feel bad. I really don’t. I want her to be happy and successful. I just wish she could be like that with me. She never really was happy with me. I have to move on. For my sake. I have to. 

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

“Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose.”

C.S. Lewis (via amargedom)

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

Honestly, sincerely getting tired of putting all the effort with certain people. Just lmk lol.

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

Because the Internet meets Awaken my love

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

She gave me the type of love you’ll never forget

-and I sure as hell haven’t forgotten (via youknow-me-not-my-story)

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

hello therapy

Well its been a couple days since my now ex girlfriend broke up with me... I dont understand why she did though. Im so worried she might of found somebody else and she thought it was so easy to dump me since she never really showed her emotions to me. Lotta shit going through my mind, but in the end i feel happy that I am free to pursue other interests. I just want somebody to love me and appreciate me and do nice things for me because its what you do when you’re in love! I was in love... to a girl who probably didnt really deserve it, she would even tell me why I loved her since she did almost nothing to earn it! IDK what the fuck is love anyways? I loved someone without making any sense of it because it was magical and i thought thats how love worked. Im so tired of trying to justify my love for her... was it true love? now that I think about it it probably wasent. I dont think she really loved me, well to the extend I loved her. i hate feelings... i really do, Im a sensative guy who will always talk about their feelings and that can be a huge turnoff. I will love and care unconditionally but i do have my issues.... BUT WHO DOESNT??? She even told me that she does not expect me to be perfect but yet she dumped me cause she was tired of me?? That shit doesnt add up. Maybe she did end up finding someone else and just fucked me over. I wouldnt be surprised.... if she did KARMA is a bitch and she will get what she deserves. I was nothing but loyal to her.... what the fuck man?

I am in the same situation i was when i first fell in love! a broken mess and always taken for granted. I tried to change for her and she even said i improved, but she fucking dumped me... that makes it three times!!! im a fucking fool. I just want to love someone and they truthfully love me back. I want a serious mature relationship. I want somebody that will grow with me and that will have my back. she never really had my back... she never showed her appreciation and she never showed me off as she should off. i did that.... sometimes i would even lie about things she did for me just to show off that she was caring. I lied to my coworkers that she bought me hot chocolate when in reality i took her to the store to get some because i wanted some and she didnt wanna get me some herself. she admitted that didnt show that much love to me... but when i show it all the time because I was so crazy for you... what did you expect would happened when i would question you on it? you like to deflect the fault to me and act like your faults arent as bad as mines... they are

Who the fuck are you to fuck with my feelings, heart, and overall me? like all i tried to do is make you happy and you basically fuck me over and force me to get over you when i thought this whole time we were improving and becoming stronger. i probably should be more pisssed off than now but im not because im so hurt that someone i love did this shit to me. I fucking tried my hardest to be something for you to love and cherrish but it was all in vain. I should of known better. I deserve better than you. I put in so much work and you didnt do shit. Nobody will ever love you like i did rocio nobody will. and to future babygirl... i love you and just know i hope you appreciate me cause you know i always will and i will always be great to you.

fuck the bullshit. i was fucked over by a girl. time to move on and better myself even more. i cant let even her prevent me from finding my soulmate. im a mess right now. but i will bounce back.... I ALWAYS FUCKING DO. dont ever take love for granted. we all have our fucking problems and its our job to deal with them, not just run away from them or drink our problems away. so many memories with a person . im so broken right now but im still managing a smile. thanks to you rocio i will be an even better boyfriend.... unfortunately not to you but to another girl who will love me a lot more and care for me more because i deserve it.

i might sound petty but fuck it its the truth! sex will be even better.... if the next girl shows me more love and cares for me shit i might even be okay with that! i know what i want. the only way i would ever go back to her would be if she apologized for fucking with me and for her to promise me change from herself... but shes too fucking prideful, i used to be.... but if pride was in the way of my happiness, you best believe imma choose happiness! fuck dude for real i just want a girl to love me and accept me for me. is that too much to ask? im a fucking lover

maybe i fall in love too fast... idk... i know someone will make me happy. i hope i can make them happy too and we can be happy together :)

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

hello

wow it has been a while since i last updated my tumblr.... i did a good job hiding this... wow re-reading some of my posts and its embaressing but great to reflect how far I have come up. well im still with Rocio about a year and a half with her and ive been mostly happy with her despite our ups and downs.... she has been very great to me. i do love her very much

ive been feeling like an asshole lately and its not good, ugh

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

Childish Gambino Music Video History

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

Don’t cheat on people, because the rest of their fucking life at 1am or when vodka fills their veins all they’re going to wonder is why the hell they weren’t enough for you and it will slowly tear them apart, and just because you aren’t there anymore doesn’t mean it isn’t your fault because every “I love you” that you ever said will echo in their god dammed head and no one deserves that.

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

untitled

so i guess i only post here when im sad or mad or confused or all of that shitty emotions... well this tumblr is like my journal i have of shit (especially girl trouble and personal struggle) and it has been good. i dont know if anyone will ever read my posts or even know its from me but it has served me a great purpose. i dont know what i could of done if i didnt have this release of typing my problems and issues, maybe overdosed on drugs, maybe ran away like a stupid kid, maybe just gotten arrested or something. fuck. i never post happy things here. well im happy right now, not super happy not enough happy.... JUST happy. and i couldnt have it another way man. this girl im with. hmm where do i begin? well ive been with her before she was my first girlfriend ever 5 years ago. now we’re together again and its like ive been blessed with her. she is not emotional since she doesnt show it but for some reason i always felt like she loved me. we were still children when she broke up with me so i dont blame her. now its so amazing, like some grown up ass type of shit haha

so weird how i am now compared to last year around this time when i was still stuck on whatsherface but she wont need mentioning anymore! i was so right when i told myself she was just a phase. a long ass phase too... i had to learn to let go of her and focus on somebody else... i was in so much pain, couldnt handle the other girls around my life.. i wanted to be with someone in the long term and all i saw around me were girls who i could fuck and be with for a few months before things got boring and i was back to square one, like who would of thought i would of fucked with so many coworkers that i ended up fucking those relationtionships up... i hate all my coworkers and they hate me hahaha

but whatever tho... i was so nervous and scared and fuck losing my mind out in the real world. until i asked her to go out with me to a late night dinner. she said yes and we went out and after it was over we headed over my car and i hugged her and tried to kiss her.. she wasent having it lol but it was okay since i wasent trying to be a dick. thing is i never really grasped the idea of her loving me so much because i was focused on some other girl who didnt want shit to do with me. her. thats what imma call her in this post. the day we kissed was amazing. we were listening to the Arctic Monkeys. played 505, amazing song even though it had the opposite of what occured that night haha. we kissed and thats when it started again.. three weeks later i tell her that i love her... scared to fucking death thinking shes gonna leave me again now that i made it weird... but no she didnt she said it back. 

and let me tell you.... i HAVE never ever ever in my entire life been told that from a girl... THAT SHE LOVES ME

those words are so beautiful since nowadays it doesnt mean shit to my generation. now im still with her surpassing my previous record of longest relationship of 5 months hahaha

i dont know what to do now. never made it this far.. but its fun, i love her... truely do... hope we can stay together through college... but who knows? we never know what happens in life, shit is life of course

but i love her... maybe ill read this post 6 months from now and say the same thing or that i hate her

idk

love is powerfull drug

im happy and thats all that matters

find yours

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

Don’t be mad cause I’m doing me better than you doing you

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

[fuckinghooliganloserkillingshit]

Childish Gambino VHS Edit