fulloffreedom

[fulloffreedom]

02.22.21

Today I breakfast for dinner. I had biscuits and gravy and chocolate cake for dessert. I challenged myself because this is a “fat person” food from what my disorder says. I actually feel like I ate too much! I am really full and uncomfortable and I feel like I was slightly wanting to eat more than usual.

We also did Behavior Chain Analysis.

I don’t have a lot to write today because my back really aches and so does my neck. I am going to just use my neck massager and relax.

[fulloffreedom]

02.18.21

Today when we ate dinner together I had a bun less burger and tater tots and a side of pickles. I was feeling guilty for eating fast food yesterday and so I decided to do a bun less burger today. However my nutritionist recommended I add a piece of bread to it to challenge myself. Usually when I restrict I DO NOT EAT BREAD. Especially if I am going to eat it with some potatoes. So this was a nice challenge to continue my journey that all foods are equal. None are good vs bad. To have variety.

Eating dessert each night is weird to me because I feel like I am setting myself up for failure but I have been noticing that a little dessert with dinner each night is making me not want to BINGE on a ton of dessert later. I did notice I ate faster today than normal. I had had a pretty rough day emotionally. But I feel really good now and this is why...

We got on the subject of mindfulness. I realize a lot of people are not where I am with mindfulness and that is okay. However I recognized the true beauty in having the gift of truly understanding mindfulness now. I was being super mindful while the therapist talked about it. I felt really connected with this subject as I usually do. I shared some of my experiences with mindfulness such as walking up the hill and touching the plants and the flowers and being in the moment with the things on the side of the sidewalk as I walked up instead of hurrying up the hill and having a full blown panic attack at the top of the hill from being winded. We talked about ways to cope this weekend too. I decided I am going to be mindful with my food this weekend and I am going to be in the moment with my son and not focused on my phone or thing things this weekend as we do something special together. Last weekend we played in the snow and built a snowman and I was super mindful then and it felt very nice to just be like a kid then.

I realized how I consider finger food a “fat person food” too and that potatoes or fried foods trigger me thinking I am a fat person or bad person for eating something like that. I am also being mindful of how foods truly make me feel after I eat them. It doesn’t mean I need to eat them but it also doesn’t mean I need to beat myself up over it and say I can NEVER not have that specific food.

Part of my meal plan is 3 meals a day with 2 snacks maybe even a snack after dinner since we are eating at 5pm. I am noticing less of a need to binge slightly by keeping myself fed and my body knowing I am going to feed it. I decided I am going to watch a movie tonight and be mindful and even have a snack while I do it and not feel bad for having a snack after eating dinner.

Until next week :) (Or tomorrow if I feel like blogging)

[fulloffreedom]

02.17.21

Today is Day 3 of recovery program. We started out our first hour of yoga. We did it for 50 minutes and I was so proud of myself for doing pretty much all 50 minutes even though it was heavily modified. A lot of negative self talk around not being to do a lot of the yoga positions and having to modify a lot but then I gently remind myself that I will get there some day. It felt really refreshing even though a lot of my back pain and neck pain hinders me. I do need to get adjusted at the chiropractor office again.

Today’s eating challenge was to eat fast food meal. I got Jack in the Box. I got a grilled chicken sandwich and a small curly fry and a small Diet Coke. I had a small cheesecake for dessert from there as well. Restrict brain calls myself a fatty for eating it but the grace says good job for not binging on fast food since it is a big trigger for me. Usually I order way more. I paced myself as I ate. It took me 37 minutes. I felt full but I was not overly full where I needed to pass out from the food coma.

Today was a processing day. We shared experienced and gave each other advice led by the therapist. It was so good. I am coming out of it feeling inspired and not alone. It will take work not to beat myself over eating the fast food but that is what this recovery is for.

I shared with the group how in the struggles - that we deserve this and it is a display of self love and self acceptance. (Credit to my therapist for inspiring me to go into this with that mindset) because this is a display of self love to ourselves. Not neglect - compassion and care for ourselves and we deserve it.

I sometimes feel denial that I truly have an eating disorder and that maybe I jut love large amounts of food but when I hear other people talk and the instructors speak to it I know I am in the right place at the right time and I know I am coming out of this as an OVERCOMER! I am already an overcomer by saying yes and committing to this. 4 days a week 3 hours a day plus 1.5 hours of therapy/nutritional a week is mentally exhausting but today I am coming out inspired and feeling good even after a fast food meal where I would self sabotage myself and tell myself what a terrible person I am and fat for eating this food.

I liked this challenge. It is also kind of a struggle to eat together on camera with the fast food. Eating fries especially and drinking a Diet Coke make me slightly uncomfortable or taking a bite into my sandwich. But I know I am supported. Thank you God for aligning me with the people to tell me about this program and for pushing me to get online and finally make the appointment. What a perfect time in life to be doing this. Not only for myself but for my son my family and to break generation addiction chains.

Until tomorrow....

[fulloffreedom]

02.16.20

Today was deep work. 2nd day looking at my foods as we eat as a group and talk about what comes up before/during/after. I feel emotionally exhausted and exhausted at the same time from starting my period. I was about a week late but at least I am not pregnant at this weight. I don’t want to be pregnant at this weight. But I do want to be pregnant again at some point.

I think today I need to go to bed early. I am just plain down right TIRED. I think a lot of times I have pushed myself even when I am tired but tonight I am going to choose to listen to my body and sleep early. I took a nap earlier today too and that was nice. I decided to take a nap over a shower and for that I am super proud of myself for choosing the self care in the form of a nap.

We learned about digestion and the factors that interrupt digestion from eating disorders. I already knew that it caused sluggish and digestive issues. We talked about diet culture and it is so true how when you have an eating disorder this food or that food is BAD and the negative self talk that comes a long with that.

Tonight I am thinking about/daydreaming what life will be like without the eating disorder. What will my life look like? I will be happier and more free. This is all about self love and self acceptance.

It is so bizarre to have a variety of foods on my plate and treat them equal when I have not in the past. I am excited to not have the bad food in my vocabulary.

Oh, I also ate dessert first tonight. That was nice. And it was a average amount not overindulgence. It made me more full to eat it first rather than after I was already full. I can’t wait to understand my real fullness cues.

This isn’t a long blog post tonight and I am going to be ok with that.

Until tomorrow....

[fulloffreedom]

02.15.2021

I woke up this morning feeling a bit renewed. I took a CBD bath bomb bath last night to help the aches and pains from the binging I have been doing the last few days. I drank my water, took my vitamins and supplements and actually ate really decent. Part of my meal plan is to eat 3 meals and 2 snacks. This is hard for me because if I am not binging I am restricting or cutting out certain foods. I know part of recovery to associate good with all varieties of food.

I didn’t have any issues with my food today until AFTER my appointment. Today was my first appointment and it went really really good and I ate a balanced meal. We eat dinner together each session which is daily 4 days week 3 hours a day. Having dessert after dinner is so weird to me when I restrict and say that is bad to eat.

We did some inner work today. I was really glad that so many of the people in session with me are so nice and their stories I related to.

We talked about what comes up before during and after a binge.

Afterward though I was feeling good but I think subconsciously some stuff was coming up because I went to the food. I ate 2 desserts that were leftover from Valentines Day. I could beat myself up about it with negative self talk but for now I am going to be graceful with myself. I am going to understand that today is Day 1 and it isn’t going to always be perfect. That is the one thing I already find myself doing is striving for perfectionism. I think for the most part today I don’t have a lot to say. This is new and a lot will be dived into.

I am so grateful for this time. Until tomorrow....

[fulloffreedom]

02.14.2021

I want to start this off with if you are someone who is in a current struggle - I want you to know there will be triggers in this blog. I want you to know I am using the blog for my own processing and self care. I am using this as a tool that if someone finds this in divine timing and needs to hear something within it - I hope it adds value to your life or helps you, inspired you or motivates you.

This is my first entry to my recovery road from binge eating disorder. Something I have dealt my entire life with. I had my assessment a few weeks back and it was suggested that I have intensive treatment for 8 weeks (or longer if needed). I will be working on this 4 days a week for several hours. On Friday I had my orientation for professional help and I tell you what - the binging started. I have been binging for the last 3 days. Today is Valentine’s Day and of course I binged like crazy starting early this morning and felt like crap the rest of the day. I spent a lot of my day in bed tired from the sugar crash. Tonight my amazing Husband made us a spectacular and healthy dinner. After that I had the energy to get into the bath and use a bath bomb and just relax. It was so nice to just unwind in the bath. Baths are very soothing to me. I count it toward my self care so much.

I would say a lot of it has to do with my period I think. Of course I will be starting. I was supposed to start on the 8th and now its the 14th and I am still not showing any spotting. Right before I start I get emotional, extra tired and fatigued and super hungry. Night eating is the worse part for me. I tend to binge more at night. Trigger warning - I tend to binge on sugary desserts and foods and foods with simple carbs. Then I restrict after binging beating myself up for what I did and the cycle goes on and on.

I started to take some amazing supplements in the beginning of January. I was feeling super good and well balanced. Still do - but the binging came back. I was eating so well but I could tell I was restricting again. These foods were “bad” or I could not have them. Kind of like telling a little child “No you cannot have that.” When I first found out about this program, my therapist actually told me. I knew I needed to look into it but I delayed and procrastinated. The 2nd time it was mentioned to me I looked and was like, why did I wait? I did my assessment and it was clear in our 2 hour session that I needed this.

I actually knew before. When I lost my Dad in 2018 I went into grief and handled it with food. I would sit on the couch some nights with a glass of milk and an entire container of Oreos and finish the whole thing alone. Milk makes me sick to begin with I knew that but it was numbing the pain. I would eat until so full I couldn’t even focus or think about anything except the terrible pain I was in.

I remember by first binge. I grew up in an abusive home. An ex step father was emotionally and verbally and physically abusive to me every single day from about age 3-4 to about 12. I was told daily I would never amount to anything, that I was fat and deserved the abuse because I was not blood, mind games, forced to eat alone at the dinner table, forced to eat steak fat (and drink it down with water if that is what it took to consume it all). I remember one time I threw up from the terrible texture of steak fat and I was thrown in the cold shower and beaten. This is a whole other subject that will probably be in future writings as I work though this recovery. I know it ties to most all of this.

Until tomorrow....