funnydove-blog

[funnydove-blog]

To Have and To Hold: philosophy of investing

So far, we’ve addressed the acquisition of material wealth and the management of money once you’ve received it. Now let’s address preservation and growth as the final aspect of financial independence. This is done through saving money, which you should always do, and investing money, which you may choose to do.

‘Investing’ is the acquisition of income-producing assets that—you hope—increase in value over time. Some women choose investments that increase in value over time, but do not pay regular cash dividends. This means a woman would only profit if she sold her investment (shares of stock or land, for example) at a higher price than her purchase price sometime in the future.

If you have an ample source of income from your job or profession, you may be content to invest in an asset that is only expected to increase in value over time and does not pay dividends, interest, or put money in your pocket every month in some way. You may be comfortable with assets that you cannot liquidate quickly. You may also be comfortable with ‘profits’ that appear only on paper, like stocks, but which might have less value tomorrow based on circumstances you do not control. (Recent examples include stock prices fluctuating wildly based on the erratic behavior of a company’s CEO and a company’s involvement in a political scandal.)

Many women invest this way. Other women like assets that put money in their pockets every month and that they can liquidate quickly if necessary. At the very least, they like assets that they can borrow against or use as collateral to acquire other assets. This allows them to preserve their cash and stack their investments.

It is your mission to spend the time, do the research, ask the hard questions, and decide upon the investment strategy, philosophy, asset, or advisor that works for you. Do this only after long hours educating yourself and thinking about it. Remember that it is passive income from investments that enables a woman to be independent, to have options, and to do what she wants to do with her time as her financial needs are consistently met.

Know this also: you will face an inevitable risk/reward ratio for any investment you consider. The potential risk and the potential reward will be equal in all instances. Risk is part of even the most conservative investments. However, investing in income producing assets can provide a second source of income.

By choosing to invest and invest wisely, women can reduce one of the biggest risks they face today—having only one source of income, namely, a job. A second source of income from an asset could be a lifesaver if a woman loses her job or is otherwise unable to work.

I want to state again clearly that I don’t give investment advice about stocks or bonds in general or in particular, real estate, or any other asset class. There are qualified professionals who commit their lives to devising investment strategies and locating investment opportunities that will pay dividends consistently and increase in value over time. Seek them out if you wish. Here are some general, overall thoughts I’ll offer, at the risk of repeating myself, not because I don’t remember what I wrote, but because I want you to remember what you’ve read:

First, your work will be to adopt a philosophy of investing that suits your personality and your goals. This means, simply, how much risk can you tolerate and how much liquidity do you need? The risk/reward ratio is like gravity: you just can’t get away from it, and God help you if you try to defy it. Sooner or later, it will take hold and show you the nature of the law. The law is: the potential reward is equal to the potential risk. Accept this.

Second, you’re going to have to do research about investment opportunities yourself. The quality of your information will be the quality of your knowledge, which will in turn affect the quality of your decisions and the quality of your return on investment. If you read glossy, mass-marketed magazines or blogs by who-knows-who to get investment advice, be prepared for lackluster returns or gasp-inducing losses.

Third, you will probably, at some point, be well-served to enlist the help of a professional investment advisor. Referrals from an OMG (Old Money Gal) are best in this regard. Look for someone with a track record of results, not a briefcase full of promises and a good haircut. Look for someone who doesn’t get a commission on every trade. You want to make sure your investment advisor and certified pubic accountant are focused on increasing your net worth and limiting your tax liability over the long term. Be willing to pay a premium for expert advice regarding these issues.

Fourth, you’ll want to make sure that you have a diversified portfolio so that if things go badly in one investment class, you have another asset (or three) that will increase in value, or at least hold its own.

Again, know that passive income from investments enables a woman to be independent, to have options, and to do what she wants to do with her time as her financial needs are consistently met. The decision of what to invest in, how much to invest, and when to liquidate investments is completely your own.

The more you earn, the greater your percentage of savings-to-income should be. If you’re saving 10% of your income as an assistant, when you get promoted to manager, you should consider saving 20%. As you acquire assets, it is wise to take the income from those assets (or profit from their sale) and reinvest it in acquiring more assets. Stack your assets. Again, consider diversifying your assets at some point. Do the research. Learn what works for you. Be deliberate. Be determined. Failure to prepare, Benjamin Franklin said, is preparing for failure.

Have your job and your assets generating income for you. Have your ‘emergency fund’ of 6 months to a year of living expenses in the bank. Then, consider starting a business on the side to bring in more income. Remember: money is power, especially for women.

[funnydove-blog]

You’ll Manage: THE BREAK UP WITH MAKE UP

Let’s discuss breaking up with unnecessary beauty products and the companies that put their corporate profits before their customers’ health. Women are the target market, the dominant demographic, and the driving force behind the 50 billion dollar a year beauty products industry. The products are marketed to them as ‘personal care’, implying that these products are a necessity. Most are not.

While we’ve touched on the health hazards of many beauty products, we should also address the financial impact. One of the biggest drains on a woman’s budget is the constant purchase of beauty products. This expenditure makes money management difficult. Women have billions of advertising and marketing dollars directed at them persuading them to spend money on beauty products and services that they do not need.

Seeing certain products or services as ‘not necessary’ can be challenging. Women have been brainwashed to believe that they actually do ‘need’ these things and ‘must’ have them. (Women are not alone in being brainwashed by advertising: I see plenty of metropolitan men driving big, burly pick-up trucks they’ve seen advertised on television. The closest some of them get to going ‘off road’ is when they pull up to valet parking.)

It’s not just advertising and marketing that reinforce this ‘need’ belief associated with beauty products. It’s the formative experiences of childhood and adolescence: watching your mother, grandmother, sisters, aunts, and friends apply makeup and share advice about it. It’s almost a ‘rite of passage’ which many women include in their memories of what they think of as ‘growing up’ and ‘life’.

What you need to remember as well is that your mother and grandmother were probably very selective about purchasing makeup and parting with their hard-earned and well-managed money. Cosmetics for previous generations were a luxury. Women rarely owned more than two of any particular item: a compact, a tube of lipstick, hand or face cream, and some lotion. That was about it, and they used all of it before they purchased more.

Today, many women can’t imagine living without an abundance of these products. They’re just a part of daily existence—routine and essential.

I have some shocking news for you: food and shelter are essential. Everything else is optional. This seemingly hardcore concept is foreign to many people, but when you endure an extended period of limited resources, you will learn the truth in it. Your life can go on just fine without television, designer labels, ‘accessories’, four-dollar coffees, overpriced manicures, and many beauty products. Again, you’re going to have to do your own personal calculations as to how overspending on beauty products impacts your personal bottom line and your progress toward financial independence.

You also must weigh its health impact, as we’ve discussed. Foundations and powders applied all over your face just clog your pores and set you up to purchase even more products to get your skin clean and healthy again. Be aware that your skin is your body’s largest organ. It absorbs up to 60% of whatever you put on it. When chemicals are absorbed through the pores of your face, those chemicals enter your bloodstream. Think about that.

Note: if you need some color in your cheeks, skip the rouge and exercise on a regular basis. Get the blood flowing. If you want to avoid wrinkles, avoid cigarettes, excessive alcohol consumption, and overexposure to the sun.

Anti-aging creams, face powders and foundations, eye-shadow, lipstick, blushes, mascara, nail polish, nail polish remover, face primer, hair, hair, and more hair products—the list is long and the costs add up, especially for women trying to get ahead. Trim your shopping list.

I support you doing things that make you feel beautiful, that make you feel more confident, that make you feel more empowered. However, I would encourage you to seek those positive feelings through education, exercise, and effort first. Then turn to cosmetics to only enhance the inner beauty and wisdom that are yours. Know your value, then spend your hard-earned money wisely. Remember the words of Bob Marley, who said, ‘A smile is the most beautiful curve on a woman’s body.’ I’d add that it’s also the most beautiful thing she can put on her face.

The good news about this break up is that there really are ‘a lot of other fish in the sea’, i.e., other companies that you can look at and perhaps start a relationship with. These are cosmetics companies often owned and operated by women (a total of 43 as of this writing). They are also companies that have done serious work to offer their customers products at a greater value with higher health and safety standards. Some of these companies include:

Deborah Lippman—Founded by celebrity manicurist Deborah Lippman, the beauty company that bears her name is one of the most renowned in the world.

Charlotte Tilbury—From age 13, Charlotte Tilbury knew she wanted to work in the beauty industry. After training at the Glauca Rossi School of Makeup in London, Tilbury jumped into the world of makeup. Now, her brand is a household name.

Honest Beauty—Actress Jessica Alba founded Honest Beauty when she saw a need for responsible, quality products with maximum ingredient transparency.

Edible Beauty—The naturopath and nutritionist Anna Mitsios launched Edible Beauty with the sole intention of creating a luxury botanic brand that is equally safe and effective. Anna’s strong belief in the natural power of herbs is evident in her formulas.

It’s A 10 Haircare—Founder Carolyn Aronson made history as the CEO of the first indie hair care brand to land a national Super Bowl ad. She also founded Kyana’s Dream Foundation (in her daughter’s honor) which focuses on providing emergency response for children in schools.

AveSeena—After spending 20 years researching the effects of estrogenic and endocrine disrupting chemicals on the immune system, Dr. Ebru Karpuzoglu decided to pour her scientific discoveries into a 100% naturederived skin care brand.

MaBrook & Co—In 2014, Aliya Dhalla launched her brand of 100% natural and aluminum-free deodorant. The Clean Deodorant fully harnesses the benefits of activated charcoal, baking soda, and sweet floral scents.  

Fact—Founder Cassy Burnside has launched her brand of Paleo-friendly and cruelty-free skin care products that are packaged and formulated for women on the go.

Aphorism Skincare—After battling a rare but curable cancer, Urvashi Singh set out on a journey to research the links between the toxic chemicals in cosmetics and disease triggers. This led her to launch a luxurious line of non-toxic skin care products.

Also consider Joshua Onysko’s Pangea Organics, Dr. David Bronner’s Magic Soaps, Greg Starkman’s Innersense, and Olown N’djotehala’s Alaffie. These are just a few companies to consider. Do your own research and find those that are best for you.

It’s important to look at the beauty industry in political terms as well. While women purchase the vast majority of beauty products sold around the world and are often featured in the advertising and promotional campaigns for these products, they are vastly underrepresented in the executive ranks of these companies. As of this writing, women comprise less than 25% of the Boards of Directors of major beauty companies, and only 24% of their executive teams. Only 23 of the 500 largest cosmetics companies in the world have a woman as their CEO. The 6 most dominant corporations in the beauty industry all have men as CEO. These include L’Oreal, Estee Lauder, MAC, and Revlon.

A question you might ask yourself is this: with so many qualified female executives out there, why wouldn’t the Board of Directors and the shareholders put a woman in charge of a company that sells most of its products to women?

It’s important to remember that with beauty products—and all your purchasing choices—your dollars are your vote. Your dollars are your voice. In order to make informed choices, it’s important to know which corporation owns your favorite brand or brands of makeup. There are reasons for this: one is to determine if a company is prioritizing the health of its customers. Another is to determine if a particular company is being a good corporate citizen.

Are they building strong communities by paying their employees fairly? Is their philosophy inclusive and their workforce diverse, both on the assembly line and in the executive ranks? Do they invest in a sustainable future? Are they attentive to their environmental footprint with regards to manufacturing, packaging, and distribution? Do they have ‘green’ goals? Do they participate consistently in charitable giving? (Not just feel-good publicity campaigns around charity events.)  

It’s also important to know if a company is selling two almost identical products, but marketing and pricing one ‘brand’ differently—and pricing it more expensively— than the other (the ‘drugstore brand’ and the ‘luxury store’ brand.) Some large corporations do this—produce essentially the same product and market it as two different products—to reach more customers in different demographics, saving the company money on production costs. Many times, only scents, textures, or packaging differentiate the products. This is the reason, for example, that Lancome Eau Micellaire Douceur and L’Oréal Paris Skin Perfection 3 in 1 Purifying Micellar Solution are almost identical products. The same corporate owner manufactures them with the same active ingredients. Only different ‘brand names’ and packaging separate the two in the eyes of the consumer.

It is true that some high-end products are made using more expensive ingredients and innovative technologies. However, the truth is they usually cost more because people expect expensive products to work much better than inexpensive ones and are, therefore, willing to pay more for them.

So, before you spend lots of money on a luxury product, do a little research on the company and its line. Compare the luxury product line’s ingredients to those of their less expensive sister brands. Make an objective, informed determination if the difference in the ingredients is really worth the difference in price. To make your initial research easier, we’ve provided a starter list of ‘who owns what’ in the cosmetics industry in an appendix in the back of this book. It is not comprehensive, and the information may change as companies buy and sell brands, but it will give you a bird’s eye view of the landscape.

Having this information will preserve your health, encourage good corporate governance, and save you money. Hopefully, this will also help you see beauty products for what they are: a big, profitable industry.

[funnydove-blog]

You’ll Manage: Money Management

A you progress in your career with a company or your own business, the flow of money will increase. As it does, you’ll have the opportunity to move yourself up the ladder in terms of financial independence. This is where money management comes into the picture. Keep in mind that it’s not just about money. It’s about independence and quality of life, of which money is an important part.

At the outset, your immediate goal will be to accumulate your ‘emergency fund’ that will cover all your living expenses for 6 months to one year without additional income or work. You will save consistently in order to assemble this fund, in cash, in the bank. It will sit there, and is only to be used for an emergency. In this context, an emergency is a situation in which you are not able to generate an income due to illness or unemployment. It will provide you with necessary funds to recover your health or find a new job. It is not for a new purse, a new car, or a vacation.

Only after you have this fund in place will you begin to consider investing. You will leave your emergency fund untouched and invest with money you save over and above that emergency fund amount.

OLD MONEY MANAGEMENT

Cicero once said that well-managed money is like a second source of income. Think about that for a minute. I know librarians who live as well as fashion models earning three times the annual income. How do those crazy librarians do it? By managing their money well and living simply.

Similarly, Old Money Gals have learned the discipline and art of streamlining their expenditures. They have taken a hard look at where their money goes and if it’s really going to something that’s ‘essential’. If it isn’t, they cut it out of the budget or find a more economical alternative. They’ve established priorities:

the first is to be healthy (eat well and exercise); the second is to spend quality time and have meaningful engagement with the people they love (family and friends); the third is to do work they love; the fourth is to live within their means (earn more than they spend); the fifth is to remain or become financially independent.

Following these priorities, they manage their purchases using a matrix of their income, the importance of the purchase, and the value of that purchase over time.

EXPENSIVE EXPENSES

Income is initially impacted by your true, necessary, non-negotiable expenses: rent, food, and the basics for clothing. You may then add medical insurance, car expenses, phone, electric, and heating costs (utilities). As you add up your true baseline costs for living, you deduct those from your income and are left with your ‘disposable income’. Then, you have ‘optional expenses.’ Be realistic here. If you’re going to have a bottle of wine every week and that’s ‘your thing’, then budget that in. Don’t lie to yourself about your necessities and optional expenses, including personal care expenses like manicures, pedicures, hair care, and entertainment.

You will, however, be required to assess the importance of all expenses that impact your amount of disposable income. You’ll determine if those expenses are worth the price of not achieving financial independence as quickly as you’d like (expenses like going to restaurants, nightclubs, and shopping randomly online).

What Old Money Gals do is start by asking themselves a question: what am I going to use every day? I’m going to use food, dishes, pots and pans in the kitchen. I’m going to sleep on a bed every night. I’m going to sit in a chair or on a sofa every day. I may need a car to get to work five days a week. So that’s that: you need those things you use every day. (In case you missed it, The Old Money Book discusses how to acquire furniture economically, refurbish it tastefully, and have it last a lifetime, among other things.)

Another category of things you need is clothes. Here, again, the ‘what am I going to use every day?’ question arises. You are going to purchase the clothes you wear every day first. An evening dress or a fur coat is going to be farther down the list…if they’re on the list at all. If you can purchase something that can be used for work and leisure, that’s better: you get double the use. So ask yourself: how versatile is it?

You must control impulse purchases. Take a moment. Purchase the item ‘in your head’ first. ‘Own’ it for a minute. Then ‘put it back on the shelf’. Two days later, if you still think it’s a good value—and something you’re going to use almost every day— then consider the purchase again. If you can’t pay cash for it, don’t buy it.

Remember again the Old Money Order of Things: Plan. Earn. Save. Invest. Spend. Again, key points to review as you consider a purchase:

First, the price…which is the cash price, the ‘credit price’ (what you’ll pay in interest if you don’t pay it off at the end of the month) and the ‘waste price’, what it will cost you in terms of other opportunities that you could not take advantage of because you wasted money on this purchase; Second, your disposable income; Third, the importance of the item; Fourth, the true value of the item over time.

This ‘true value of the item over time’ refers to how well the product is going to perform by comparing the expense of the item (the price) to the duration (expected lifetime) of its use and benefit, including how often you’re going to use it and how necessary it is. To use a math metaphor: the price of an item divided by its lifespan equals its ‘true value’.

We have to pull all of these strategies and all this advice back to the ‘Big Picture’. That ‘Big Picture’ is you being financially independent as soon as possible through proper money management. It’s your responsibility. Start today.

 OLD MONEY SECRET

In order to maximize opportunities and enjoy any security in life, solid money management is critical. A personal budget and savings plan must be in place and adhered to. Awareness about the amount of money being spent, and why, is key. An investment strategy is implemented and results closely monitored. ‘Wealth’ is viewed as the ability to enjoy independence and quality of life, not the ability to purchase things.

[funnydove-blog]

Mergers and Acquisitions

Now, let’s talk about you: how to get you—and keep you—financially independent or wealthy, doing what you love to do, what you’re good at, and what you were put on this earth to do. (If you’re lucky, you know what they are and they’re the same thing.)

Your first step is to maximize the ‘merger’ of your education, credentials, experience, and skills in order to market yourself and your abilities. You merge these to the best of your ability in order to make the ‘acquisition’ of money easier and to make the possibility of making more money in the future more likely. Many times, at the start of this quest, you interview for and are offered a job. At this point, you may experience the pervasive gender gap that women around the world face every day. According to a 2017 report from the National Partnership for Women and Families, women of color earn 25-40% less than their white male counterparts. Caucasian women fair a little better, but the difference in pay for women when compared to men remains a serious problem.

The reality today is that women work longer hours to make the same pay as men. Women also do more ‘unpaid labor’: taking care of husbands, children, in-laws, and parents. I don’t know of any statistics that support this assertion. It’s just something I’ve seen my entire life, and it’s an experience that has never been denied by anyone— male or female—that I’ve spoken to in my entire life.

I’m uncertain about how to change family dynamics, but you as a woman can definitely change workplace dynamics. Go to your library, and your librarian, and find books and resources to help you negotiate more effectively for equal pay when you are offered a job or seek a promotion. You’ll also find resources online, but talk to other women (and men) when possible. Human interaction gives you the best chance to receive inside information that isn’t found in search results. It offers the opportunity to speak with someone who may become a mentor, ally, colleague, or friend. However, the truth is that the responsibility for earning and acquiring money rests mostly with you. To maximize your earning potential, consider the following:

Think like an entrepreneur, even if you work for a company;

Be willing to do the jobs your peers don’t want to do;

Search for a ‘niche market’, an under-serviced or specialty area within your chosen field that you can focus on, dominate, and be ‘the expert’ in;

Be willing to relocate—even to another country—if there are opportunities to earn more, do more, and be more;

Know your ‘pain centers’—points of dissatisfaction or discomfort—that motivate you and use them to find solutions that can be profitable to you and others;

Master the fundamentals of your chosen field and obtain any necessary certifications or training so you can always earn money and take care of yourself. In your current work position:

Be a problem solver for your company, as problem solvers are ‘golden nuggets’ for business owners who always face a myriad of daily challenges;

Come in a little early, leave a little later, and do a little more; Consistently go ‘above and beyond’ what your job requires as you look for opportunities to learn more;

As you do, keep a detailed list of the extra responsibilities you’ve voluntarily taken on, or have been given;

Consistently calendar your performance, so you can document—for yourself and your boss—that you’re doing these extra tasks on a regular basis;

After a period of time (6 months or so) of day in, day out competent performance of your assigned duties and handling of the ‘above and beyond’ responsibilities you’ve taken on, set at appointment to talk with your boss; Detail your performance modestly but evenly, and politely ask for a raise;

If you are given a raise, thank your boss and continue to do all of your work; If you are not, assess the reasons given for the refusal;

Begin a concerted effort to look for a new job;

Always be the hardest worker in the room;

Do not settle.

WILL POWER

Another way that you may acquire money or things of value is through a windfall or an inheritance. A windfall may be a winning lottery ticket (don’t bet on it), or a settlement from litigation in a civil case. An inheritance is far more likely.

I’ve discussed this important issue in The Old Money Book, and I suggest you read about it there. Nevertheless, I’ll cover it briefly here, as it presents an incredible opportunity to improve your life and move you toward financial independence.

Let’s say that you’re invited to a lawyer’s office for an important meeting. Dear me, what could this be about? Well, as it happens, your Uncle Chester has kicked the bucket. And? And…there’s the issue of the will. You throw on a respectable ensemble, give your hair a lick and a promise, and take the train into the city. Shortly thereafter, you’re sitting in a wood-paneled conference room that’s larger than your apartment. The courtly, aging lawyer is straight out of a Charles Dickens novel. In short order, he informs you that Uncle Chester, the old codger who lived in a two room cottage in Vermont, had actually socked away a tidy sum…and he’s left it all to you.

Gulp. As the blood returns to your head, Uncle Chester’s lawyer congratulates you in that very Great Expectations kind of way and asks you to sign on the dotted line. He then asks where you’d like to have the funds deposited, and wishes you the best of luck. At this point in time, you don’t need luck: you need to manage that money wisely. So, my suggestion would be to immediately contact a reputable certified public accountant (CPA) and assess any tax liability that the inheritance may present to you. (Pay your taxes fully and promptly. You want no issues with your Uncle Sam.)

The second thing you might want to do is buy a bottle of champagne and toast your good fortune. Alone. As I strongly suggest in The Old Money Book, I would keep the inheritance a secret. Note that a ‘secret’ is not something you tell one person at a time. You don’t need your inheritance affecting your relationships. Deal with the change privately. Then, later, decide how to share it with others, if at all.

Don’t do anything different with your daily routine or your life. Don’t quit your job, even if you don’t like your boss. Don’t purchase anything. Instead, make a list of everything you could purchase and do. Travel, paying off debt, new car, bigger apartment, fur coat, limousine rides for you and your friends, and shoes, shoes, shoes. Call that the Crazy List. The list with things on it that, once you hand over your money, you get nothing of value in return. That’s crazy, right?

Now make a Smart List. This is a list of everything you could invest in. This list is everything you could put money in that would, once you hand over your money, increase in value and pay you back over time. Start the list with income-producing real estate, dividend-paying stocks, annuities, tax-free bonds…things that produce that ‘passive income’ we spoke of earlier in the book. No, it’s not as much fun as renting a limousine, but it is more rewarding in the long run. You might also consider investing in yourself with education.

I’m not telling you what to invest in. I’m not telling you to invest. I am telling you not to spend. And only consider investing after a ‘cooling off period’ of 3 to 6 months after you inherit the money. Again: as the euphoria wears off, brew a cup of hot tea, curl up on the sofa, and assess how much this inheritance can help you achieve your goal of being financially independent. If you spend it all in a week, it doesn’t help you at all. If you spend it all in two years, it may help you a little. If you invest it and make it work for you—and pay you dividends or interest every month—it may benefit you for the rest of your life.

Consider the amount you’ve inherited, how you can best use it, and look at where you are. Is this going to give you Intermediate Independence? Optimum Independence? View this inheritance not as money, but as an opportunity. Then use it wisely. As you know, math has no opinion. Do the math when you get an inheritance. Make it work for you in the long term.

[funnydove-blog]

It’s Always Personal: Personal finance

Personal finance can be defined as the manner in which a woman addresses the acquisition, management, preservation, and growth of money and things of value that she personally has access to, receives, or controls. In addition to what are traditionally termed ‘assets’, this also refers to debts, liabilities, and issues of taxation. We’re going to compartmentalize these in terms of acquisition (earning through employment and entrepreneurship, as well as inheritance and windfalls), management (expenditures), and preservation and growth (saving and investing).

Note: I do not give investment advice about which stocks, bonds, or financial instruments to purchase. Likewise, I will not advise on the acquisition of real estate, precious metals, or any other investment class. I will, however, offer thoughts on how to think about investing, which is very different.

How these issues of acquisition, management, and preservation and growth are considered is a very individual process: how you approach them will depend greatly on your own financial situation, your personal situation, and your goals. As an example, the approach to personal finance for a 22 year-old college student with a trust fund and a 40 year-old working mother of two on a salary are going to be different. How they’ll look at employment, consider investing, and prioritize spending may be worlds apart. However, the fundamentals presented here remain constant.

As we begin our discussion of personal finance, we must acknowledge that it does not happen in a vacuum. Social and political factors influence a woman’s ability to make, keep, and grow her nest egg. There exists an unjust and unfair landscape that women face in this area, which is often reflected in statistics. For example, while women control over 80% of the decisions made regarding consumer spending, they earn 20 to 45% less than their male counterparts in the workplace. Reports vary country to country around the world, but the reality remains: women purchase for themselves and their family members—what some economists refer to as ‘circle spending’, i.e., buying decisions made for their ‘family circle’—yet they remain underpaid.

Despite arguably doing more of the work (at home and the office) and being paid less (on the job, not to mention getting zero pay at home), women around the world still manage to control billions in assets. Day in and day out, they make economic 129 decisions which multinational corporations rely upon for their very existence, not to mention their profits. Day in and day out, women often balance the budget and the checkbook for their families and monitor savings and investment as well.

As the gatekeepers of what does and does not enter the family home, a woman’s choices are pivotal. If a woman decides a product or service is unsafe—for them or their families—the product or service will not sell. It is doomed. Just as we’ve said that you must pay for what you purchase, corporations will also pay for making products that do not resonate with women, are not considerate of women, or that are not approved of by women. Be attentive to the power you as a woman have.

Again, women are the economic ‘final arbiters’ of much of what their children, husbands, and families buy, do, participate in, or avoid. The opinions and choices of women around the world factor heavily into almost every economic indicator or forecast currently in use. Women as a group are the single largest influence on an economy, whether it’s a good influence like savings and investment rates, or a bad influence like consumer debt.

At this point in the 21st century, women enjoy more rights, privileges, and opportunities than at other time in history. Gone are the days when women were completely dependent on men for information, opportunity, protection and survival. Women now have the option to work outside the home, start a business, own property, influence the economy, and gain or retain any level of financial independence they choose.

This fresh, new generation of women is stepping into entrepreneurship, embracing and driving innovation. As they do, a new wave of businesses with women-centered values and ideas is emerging. These businesses more accurately address women’s needs, desires, and pain points. These businesses are more likely to be sustainable, organic, cruelty free, and toxin free.

Historically overlooked and underfunded in venture capital circles, women are now in financial positions of power. Most women know that 80% of the products they purchase are designed, built, and sold to women by men. They also know that this can, and must, change.

Remember: all you need is a vision, a commitment to hard work, access to some resources, and a little bit of luck. You may not make a million dollars, but you could make two, five, or ten million. Saved and invested wisely, proceeds from your job or business can provide you with options. And options are one of the most important things you can have in life. Don’t sit and wait for opportunities to improve your financial situation. Rise up and create them for yourself. Forget ‘leveling the playing field’. Today’s ‘playing fields’ have been created by men and are coded for men. Create your own. Think entrepreneurship.

I’m sharing all of this with you prior to a discussion of ‘personal finance’ in order to alter your perception of yourself. As I mentioned in the Introduction, you are the one who earns, manages, spends, and invests your money. You may be at a disadvantage in some instances, but you are not a victim. You are not helpless. You are in the driver’s seat. Make no mistake about it: in a capitalist society, money is power. While you may be reading this and be under a mountain of credit card or student debt, you can turn your situation around with the application of some personal finance fundamentals. All it takes is some awareness, some choices, and some time. Throughout these chapters, I’m going to ask you to constantly remember the Old Money Order of Things when it comes to personal finance: Plan. Earn. Save. Invest. Spend. Emblazon these words upon your retina. Each step is important, and the order of each step is important. One step at a time.

DECLARATIONS OF INDEPENDENCE

Let’s get a handle on the often-discussed concept of ‘financial independence’. It means different things to different people, but there are some common benchmarks that we can establish. These benchmarks will help you understand where you are presently and chart where you want to be in the future. These benchmarks have corresponding levels of ‘independence’—options or choices you do or don’t have.

When you see ‘financial independence’ in these terms, you will be more inclined to make choices with your money because money will become not something you use to purchase things, but a tool you use purchase your freedom. Here are the three basic, broad categories of financial independence and the freedoms associated with each:

Minimum Independence: If you only have enough money to make it through the end of the month, your independence is limited: you have to go to work, even at a job you don’t like. The people you work with may be jerks and the work you’re assigned awful or boring, but you feel obligated because you have to honor your commitments and 131 pay your bills. In this situation, you may not fulfill your potential and end up feeling less than fantastic about yourself.

Intermediate Independence: If you have enough money in savings to pay the rent and eat beans for 6 months to a year, you have more freedom, especially if you get laid off or want to start a business in your living room. If someone mistreats you at work, you can stand up to them confidently, litigate, and/or leave. You can seek and wait for a job you really like. You can take a job that doesn’t pay all that well, for a period of time, knowing that you have a pad of cash to cushion you as you move forward to your goal.

Optimum Independence: If you have enough money to live the rest of your life without working for a paycheck, you have a maximum amount of freedom, a multitude of options. Ironically, to be happy, most of the options you’ll consider will involve work. The big difference is that you get to choose the work you do, and it will probably be the work you love to do.

You can probably imagine or have experienced first-hand the Minimum and Intermediate stages of financial independence. It may be helpful, though, to get a picture of the Optimum. So let’s do that quickly.

As a woman of independent means, you have the opportunity to do work that is rewarding—personally and financially. When you find this, you at work will resemble a child at play. You will wake up excitedly looking forward to your day and eagerly anticipating all that it holds. You’re ready to do your work joyfully and, when the end of the day comes, you will only reluctantly set it aside to get some rest and get something to eat. It may or may not make money, but you will be living and working ‘on purpose’ as psychologists say. And it will feel good. This describes the daily life of a woman who is financially independent.

She has a purpose in her life, which she actively works at. She has her spending under control. She has her investments working for her, providing an income she can live on. This is ‘passive income’, a concept we’ll discuss in more detail later. This is true freedom. This is the target to aim for.

Note: if you see a woman who has a great deal of money at her disposal, but she’s never satisfied with the amount of material possessions she has, she is actually impoverished: she constantly needs exterior reinforcement—a new purchase—to feel good about herself. Don’t envy her. She’s suffering. So forget her. Let’s focus now on the Old Money Gal’s financial priorities: financial freedom through the acquisition of 132 money and things of value, the management of your money, and the preservation and growth of your wealth.

[funnydove-blog]

Fashion Victims: Collateral Damage

I think of puberty as a special delight—in retrospect, and for other people. It’s a twisting tunnel of change, an emotional roller coaster. Unexpected growth spurts and new, intoxicating emotions keep adolescents who are barely in control of their maturing bodies constantly on edge. All anyone can do is hang on and try to make it through relatively unscathed.

It is a tricky process: you have no warning when it will start, what the ride will be like, and most importantly, when it will end. The young bodies of teens and tweens neck deep in puberty are changing at lightning speed. Luckily, the human body is naturally equipped to handle this turbulent transition. However, many of the chemicals used in makeup can dangerously and unpredictably offset the young body’s organic balancing act during this period.

What’s more, the manner in which tweens and teens use makeup adds to the health risks. As adult women, you may share your makeup with your ‘girls’ (a little blush here, a touch of mascara, a little extra liner pencil, and just a dab of lip gloss). Generally, though, you carry your makeup. Your friends carry theirs. You know what you’re using. It’s not a ‘pass around pack’.

However, teens and tweens generally have a much larger circle of friends with whom they share makeup. For the most part they have no idea of how those friends (with whom they are sharing their makeup) are using their own makeup, or who they are sharing it with. Why is this a hazard?

Liquids like primer, foundation, lip gloss, mascara, and their applicator brushes provide a fertile breeding ground for bacteria. Unwitting users then add their own bacteria cocktail from their lips, hands, eyes, and faces. That bottle, tube, applicator brush, or sponge then turns the makeup into a dangerous culprit for a whole host of illnesses and diseases. Unknowingly, teens and tweens often spread harmful bacteria exponentially through shared makeup products. As we discussed, makeup can have annoying and damaging effects on its users, especially developing teens and tweens. Already dealing with skin issues from raging hormones, genes, and germs in the environment around them, the last thing they need are additional makeup-related health issues.

Symptoms like pink eye, staph infections, and those awful makeup-induced acne lesions, medically known as ‘acne-cosmetica’, can be a result of wearing makeup too soon, too frequently, and too heavily. We all know that teen acne is no laughing matter: for teens and tweens in an often brutal peer pressure environment, it can make the problems of puberty a thousand times worse. Taking a step back, reassessing the role of beauty products in your life, and defining a new, common-sense approach are key.

THE SIMPLE SOLUTION

Many of the known side effects associated with teens and tweens using makeup can be simply and easily resolved. It is your responsibility to create a proper skin care routine—for yourself and your daughters—early in order to develop and maintain beautiful skin naturally. I would suggest that young girls under the age of 16 not wear any makeup at all. When teens do begin to wear makeup, they should take care to use water-based makeup and apply it sparingly with clean brushes.

It is your responsibility to find products free from harmful chemicals that will support a healthy makeup collection. When in doubt about a product or ingredient, do 123 your own research before applying it to your skin.

One great resource is the Skin Deep Cosmetic Safety Database – which you can access at CosmeticsDatabase.com. Just plug in the name of your favorite makeup product and the database will tell you if it contains any known dangerous ingredients.

Again: you must also ask yourself if you know exactly what you’re purchasing—the product, and its ‘true costs’ to you and your health—when you buy cosmetics. You’re not just getting the benefit of ‘the look’ they provide. You’re getting the impact—short and long term—of the health risks they carry. You should also ask yourself this: ‘Even if I adopt a devil-may-care attitude toward my own health and my own life with regards to cosmetics, what health risks am I exposing my children—born and unborn —to?’

When toxins get into your bloodstream, they don’t just stay with you. You pass them on to your child before they’re born, and afterward, during the breastfeeding process. Furthermore, if you set an example of purchasing and using toxic cosmetics on yourself, can you blame your daughters for adopting your habits, buying the same toxic products, and using them? Is that really a legacy you want to pass on?

I will tell you this about Old Money Gals: when it comes to their health and the health of their children, they ask a lot of hard questions, and they continue to ask hard questions until they get satisfactory answers. If they don’t get a satisfactory answer about a product that may affect their health or the health of their family, it’s over: they don’t buy the product. They don’t allow it in the house. They don’t allow their children to use it. They prioritize health over appearance because nothing is more beautiful than a woman with healthy, clean, fresh skin.

Police the people in your head, especially the ones telling you that you must wear makeup to be attractive. Listen to your instincts. Listen to your body. Know that the ‘true cost’ of ‘beauty’ can never be at the expense of your health.

TOXIC REL ATIONSHIPS

Now, let’s take a look at some of the ingredients in cosmetics that victimize women and girls, and the health problems they cause. These substances include:

Parabens—these chemicals have been found to disrupt hormonal levels as they mimic the hormone estrogen and are linked to cancer, reproductive toxicity, immunotoxicity, neurotoxicity, and skin irritation, as well as increasing the chances of breast cancer. They are found in shampoos and other bath products.

Formaldehyde—found in nail polish and hair treatments, a known carcinogen. ‘Fragrance’—this word on a product label can mean anything, as companies aren’t required to disclose what chemicals are included. Common toxins include hormone disruptors which contribute to breast cancer, among other things. Avoid this by purchasing products scented only with organic essential oils.

Coal Tar Dyes—banned from food products, but still found in hair dyes, lipsticks, and other products. Look for the ‘color index’ (CI), followed by a 5 digit number on the ingredients label to determine if Coal Tar Dyes are present in a product.

Talc—found in eye shadows, body powders, face powders, and many loose mineral products. Contributes to ovarian tumors, among other things.

Mineral oil—a petroleum-based product and a known carcinogen. Found in baby lotions, creams, and lip balms, among other things. Aluminum zirconium—found in antiperspirants and linked to the development of Alzheimer’s disease, as well as breast cancer.

Sodium laureth—found in a variety of cosmetics, causing skin damage, eye damage, and liver damage. One of the most dangerous unregulated products found in a variety of beauty products (shower gel, exfoliant, liquid hand soap, and toothpaste). Has long been used in industrial cleaning products. BHA and BHT (Butylated Hydroxyanisole & Butylated Hydroxy-toluene)— preservatives widely used by the food industry, also found in a range of cosmetics, these damage the reproductive system and impede proper thyroid function, among other things.

There is an extreme injustice in the fact that many women voluntarily pay exorbitant prices for cosmetics that, first, enrich male-dominated companies, and, second, contribute to a wide range of illnesses, many of them deadly to women. It is easy to avoid being a fashion victim, both in terms of health and finances, when it comes to cosmetics: become informed, purchase healthier, and purchase less.

[funnydove-blog]

Fashion Victims

Old Money Gals are wise to all the attempts made to separate them from their money, to marginalize their worth, or to minimize their opportunities. They don’t allow themselves to be victimized by anyone or anything. Ever. Not discrimination, not violence, not outdated social mores.

They aren’t victims of these external forces, nor do they victimize themselves.

One aspect of victimization they avoid, and which you’ll avoid, is the self-imposed condition of being a ‘fashion victim’. Let’s look at a few ‘fashion victim’ categories.

The Basic Fashion Victim: this is the woman who dresses in a way that’s too trendy, too provocative, wildly inappropriate, or just plain tasteless, in an attempt to be ‘fashionable’. As a result, she looks ridiculous, insecure, clueless, and too easily influenced by passing trends. For example, an older woman who wears a misdemeanor-high miniskirt and low-cut top like she’s 18 again can be a fashion victim. A 16 year-old who’s trying to dress like a 3-martini-lunch divorcee with highrise hair and industrial-strength mascara can be a fashion victim.

This faux pas is not really about age, though: it usually occurs when a woman doesn’t have a sense of who she is, or has undervalued herself. This sartorial misfire is always cringe-worthy, sometimes humorous, and often sad.

Note: I don’t make fun of people who dress in their own unique style or are on the road to refining their style. Other people are not so kind and nonjudgmental. Pay attention, get your thoughts and look together. Avoid being a Basic Fashion Victim. (Remember the words of Coco Chanel, who noted, ‘Fashion says, ‘Me, too.’ Style says, ‘Me only.’)

By most standards, this type of ‘victimization’ seems pretty benign. Let me expand on the concept so that you can make better choices and not become a more serious kind of victim.

The Financial Fashion Victim: the woman who is victimized by the excessive prices she pays for clothing and cosmetics. Women pay eye-watering amounts for blouses, pants, skirts, and jackets that often have less fabric and require less work to create when compared to men’s garments.

While the quality varies from poor to artisan, the mark-up remains the same…staggering. For clothing, this means many women are victimized economically when they need to make a purchase. The Old Money Gal’s solution is to selectively buy quality items made of natural fabrics (wool, cotton, linen, silk). Lean toward traditional, classic styles so that your newer items can be easily mixed and matched with your older items. Shop less. Take care of your garments. You know that the fashion industry introduces new clothing styles and lines every season (winter, spring, summer, and fall) for a reason. The reason they do this is to get new merchandise in front of you, get you into a retail store or online, and get you to purchase new things on a regular basis. The end goal is to take the money from working women and put it in the pockets of multimillion dollar conglomerates. While these big companies charge you big bucks for their goods, they often pay their workers (often women) a few dollars a day to work in sweatshop conditions overseas to make these clothes.

You can’t address every problem in the world—just don’t be a part of a problem if it’s at all possible. Don’t be complicit. Don’t be an enabler. Don’t be a co-conspirator. Research online and learn about the reputation a retailer has with regards to labor practices and community involvement before you buy. Be wise. Shop informed.

Shop like an Old Money Gal: when you need to, not when you’re feeling depressed, not when you’re feeling happy, not because you want to ‘treat’ others, not when you’re feeling powerful, not when you’re feeling unattractive, not when you’re having relationship problems, not when you’re feeling worried, not when you just got a pay raise or promotion, and not when you’re simply feeling bored.

Note: be the best global citizen you can be. Know your vendors. Be the savvy, financially independent woman. Invest in yourself. Acquire the best. Save money at every opportunity, both as a sound financial practice and as you shop. No shopping sprees and no credit card purchases. Budget, budget, budget.

SAVING FACE The Health Fashion Victim refers to the woman who is victimized by the toxins found in the beauty products she buys and uses. This issue is an enormous one, given the size of the cosmetics industry in the United States. (Recent statistics suggest that American women outspend women in every other country in the world on beauty products.)

As with everything you purchase, it’s important to know the ‘true costs’ of owning and using a product. For example, if you buy a yacht, you not only have to pay for the vessel. You must pay for insurance, maintenance, fuel, crew, and a place to dock it. The same issues apply to the acquisition of an exotic car, a serious fur coat, or piece of jewelry. Steep as they can be, the ‘true costs’ of these purchases are only financial.

With beauty products, we’re talking about your most prized possession: your health. So, I’m going to specifically address some of the toxins found in cosmetics sold in the United States in hopes that you become more aware about the ‘true costs’ of some of the choices you make when you purchase beauty products.

Again, these are the costs you pay, not just with the ‘purchase price’ of the product, but the price you pay with your health. According to recent reports, European authorities have banned 1,373 substances from cosmetics sold to European women. The United States Food and Drug Administration has, by contrast, banned only 8 and restricted only 3. (Think about that.) Researchers have linked some of these chemicals to various health issues due to their known or suspected effects on hormones in the human body.

The question you may want to ask yourself is this: if European government officials have banned this many substances from the cosmetics that can be sold to their citizens —most of whom are women and young girls—shouldn’t you care enough about yourself and your daughters to investigate, become informed, and ban these same toxins from your life?

Before I discuss in detail the hazards associated with many cosmetics on the market today in the United States, I want to discuss makeup’s health effects on our young women and girls. I’ll refer to ‘tweens’—girls between the ages of 10 and 12—and teenagers first.

It’s important to be aware that more teens and tweens are wearing makeup than at any other time in history. Sadly, today’s American teens and tweens have been brainwashed to believe that they have an ‘image’ to create and maintain. For many, that image includes masking their faces in makeup every day. Many of them absolutely refuse to leave home without it.

Many teenagers in North America have a daily makeup ritual that includes lipstick, powder, blush, foundation, mascara, eyeliner, nail polish, and perfume, not to mention skin lotion, shampoo, conditioner, and hair color treatments. In fact, experts estimate that a typical young girl now walks around with at least a dozen beauty products on her body. As the makeup layers add up, so does her exposure to dangerous chemicals, and that’s very bad news for a young girl’s health.

[funnydove-blog]

Best in Class

I call it Old Money Style. It’s often called ‘preppy’, sometimes ‘Ivy Style’, referring to the Ivy League schools in the northeast region of the United States, where this mode of dressing originated almost a century ago. Whatever you call it, it’s the way Old Money Gals have been dressing for decades.

This traditional, comfortable, discreet, and elegant manner of dress has endured, oblivious to the winds of fashion. It remains a benchmark. Use it as your North Star, should you find yourself at a loss for wardrobe direction. It exclusively involves natural fabrics, leans toward solid colors, and will serve you extremely well over the course of your life.

Should you adopt this style, people may not notice what you’re wearing on a specific day, but they will over time come to consider you as always ‘well dressed’, regardless of whether they see you in the office, around the neighborhood, or at a social event.

Again: the way you dress is nonverbal communication. When you opt to dress as an Old Money Gal, your style is communicating some important ideas to others about you: you’re confident about your future, secure enough not to have to attract attention strictly with your clothes, independent in your thinking, and unapologetic about your values. You convey the idea that your attributes go much deeper than what meets the eye, and that, in order to find out what those are, someone will have to take an interest and make an effort to get to know you. You’re not on display for anyone’s amusement, entertainment, or approval.

Furthermore, you establish yourself as a person uninfluenced by passing trends, someone who doesn’t need the latest fashion to prop up her self-esteem. You’re presenting yourself as someone with self-respect and traditional values—the opposite of arm candy. All these things are going to work in your favor as you make a first impression, and as you create an appearance that conveys how you expect to be treated: fairly and with respect.

Random thing to consider: you’ve seen family photos that are ten, twenty, or thirty years old. Fashions captured in these images can be ghastly and comical. That’s because they are fashions. They are not style. You know who doesn’t look silly? Old Money Gals. Because they dress in the same style for decades, from generation to generation, from cradle to grave.

~ OLD MONEY SECRET ~ How a woman presents herself to the world will determine to a large extent how she is treated by the world and what results she gets from the world. Presentation includes preparation, comportment and manners, and clothing and grooming.

* * * * * * * * THE SHORT LIST If you are a college student, or just starting out in your career, you want to keep your style simple, economical, and classic. Here’s a Short List of the basics you can acquire in order to present yourself stylishly for decades:

1. White or sky blue long sleeve,100% cotton and linen blouses; 2. Solid color 100% cotton short sleeve pullovers; 3. Solid color pullover or cardigan sweaters,100% wool or 100% cotton; 4. 100% linen or cotton long pants and shorts in solid colors; 5. Grey, black, or navy 100% linen or wool/cashmere blend pants; 6. Grey, black, or navy 100% linen or 100% wool skirts; 7. A classic black dress, mid-length; 8. Black high heel shoes with a closed toe, for office or dress; 9. Navy or tan pumps with a chunk heel, for walking comfortably; 10. Topsiders, sandals, or loafers, for casual; 11. Wool socks and cotton socks and hose, neutral, blue or black; 12. Blue or black blazer; 13. Blue, black, or grey business suit of good quality; 14. Navy, grey, or camel tan full-length 100% wool coat for winter; 15. A ‘London Fog’ style trench coat for rain.

Ralph Lauren Polo, Brooks Brothers, LL Bean, and Lands’ End offer these items in a predictable range of quality and styles, and a wide variety of price points. Remember the Old Money Order of Things: Plan…well in advance. Earn…like a man. Save… consistently. Invest…strategically. Spend…wisely. Plan. Earn. Save. Invest. Spend. As you strategize to create or recreate your wardrobe, remember: you are investing in yourself. Invest in quality products in traditional styles because they stand the test of time. Keep these helpful hints in mind:

Take your time; let your style develop;

Remember and follow the ‘5% set aside’ rule;

Avoid logos, or keep them small and to a minimum;

Prioritize your purchasing: acquire items you will wear every day first;

In terms of quality/price, most of the time you will get what you pay for;

Look for items that wear well over time, both in terms of style and durability;

Shop at upscale vintage stores for great deals on high-quality, well-maintained, classic garments.

THE REAL THING A stunning, tasteful, original piece of jewelry is an accessory that enhances a woman’s natural beauty. Old Money Gals know that, and keep jewelry to a minimum. Follow their lead: keep the bling to a minimum. Make sure it is appropriate. A little goes a long way. Curate great pieces made with quality materials. Know that counterfeit jewelry or accessories are obvious to the refined eye and should be avoided. I feel very strongly about this for two reasons.

First, counterfeiting name brands is a criminal enterprise. It is lucrative. It is global. It is violent. And it victimizes not just the women who buy the fake items, but also the often abused women who work in hellish conditions for slave wages to produce the merchandise. So, considering this, you can decide if you want to participate in this blood-stained economy in order to impress the easily impressed.

Second, I will tell you that Old Money Gals have razor-sharp radar: they can spot a fake Louis Vuitton bag from across the street. Furthermore, Old Money Gals view the display of counterfeit merchandise as a desperate attempt to impress and as a willingness to deceive. Neither of these is appealing. Neither is tolerated. So, do not come crying to me when you have been dissed and dismissed for owning a piece of counterfeit merchandise.

In the words of the classic Motown hit…ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby. An authentic Patek Philippe, Cartier tank watch or stainless steel Rolex says much more than a gaudy display of diamonds or cubic zirconium. Again: Purchase genuine, quality pieces slowly over time. (Unlike counterfeits, they are a wise investment and will last a lifetime.) Extravagant rings, necklaces, and watches have their place. Still, even the most affluent women on the planet opt for discreet luxury when it comes to jewelry to wear on a daily basis.

[funnydove-blog]

Wear It Well

We’ve discussed Preparation. We’ve discussed Comportment. The final aspect of Presentation is your appearance: ‘Clothing and Grooming’. The combination of these three aspects of Presentation is key as you prepare for this journey. This part of the package is no less important; it is simply the most visible.

Clothing and grooming are the first things a person notices when they meet you. Psychologists tell us that a person will make about a dozen visual observations and judgments in the first few seconds of meeting another person. That means, when someone is introduced to you for the first time, before you ever say a word, they’ve taken in and interpreted more than ten visual signals about you based on your appearance. They’ve looked at how you’ve dressed, if you’ve made any effort to dress, how tastefully you’ve executed that effort, and how appropriately dressed you are for the occasion. They will also consider how well or how poorly you’ve done your hair and makeup, the neatness and quality of your clothes, and your posture and composure.

These observations are then interpreted, given meaning and value, and then, like it or not, conclusions are drawn about you. It is probably unfair, but it is certainly true: people do judge a book by its cover, and a person by their appearance. The people you meet will equate the effort you’ve put into your appearance as being roughly equivalent to:

the amount of respect you have for yourself;

the respect you have for them and the value you’ve assigned to meeting them; and/or

the importance you assign the event at which this meeting takes place.

To make the most of these moments, it is important to objectively assess how you look, not just to yourself in the mirror, but to others in public. Your journey to discover the best way to present yourself will be to find the ‘look’ that is ‘you’, whatever the occasion.

You’ll identify and refine this ‘look’ more quickly, easily, and less expensively if you know your body and know what looks good on you, without regard to passing trends or fads. Look at photos from your past. Critique your look from a year ago, five years ago, ten years ago. Again, find the look that works for you and refine it.

There are some inevitable basics to this process. They include quality, well maintained clothes and shoes, a good haircut without a wild style-and-dye job, and a classic manicure—fingernails neither neglected nor overdone.

A key Old Money, New Woman fundamental of ‘dressing well’ is ‘dressing appropriately’. This is simply to know that what you wear is usually contingent upon the event you’ll be attending or the activity you’ll be participating in.

Before we go into detail, a final point: when you dress, it is important to consider your wardrobe as an ‘ensemble’. ‘Ensemble’ is the French word for ‘together’, by the way. So if you want to look like you have it ‘together’, view the articles of clothing you wear as team members. An Old Money Gal knows that this team, coordinated from head to toe, will work together to project a single image, one that makes a good presentation and one that is appropriate for the occasion.

RIGHT PL ACE, RIGHT TIME

With these ideas in mind, let’s consider some familiar scenarios, or occasions, with some go-to ensembles that are appropriate for each.

The Professional Job Interview…in which the goal is to get hired and progress in your career. If you show up for a job interview at a major corporation in jeans and a too-tight sweater, it probably doesn’t matter what credentials you have. The human resources executive is going to feel like you don’t place any value on the meeting, or that you don’t have a clue. Either way, they won’t take the time to consider you seriously. They won’t consider you at all.

Remember that, although corporate dress codes have been relaxed on ‘casual Friday’s’ at some companies, dress codes for interviews remain formal. Professional standards still apply. In the same way, appropriate interview attire for a company may differ from the day-to-day attire worn by employees in the office of that company. Just because employees dress in ‘business casual’ attire when they arrive at work doesn’t mean you show up in ‘business casual’ for a job interview.

This scenario is the domain of the navy, black, or dark grey business suit with a skirt. Some women will wear suits with pants. Know your industry and the company you’re interviewing with before ditching the skirt and wearing the pants. A white blouse and black or navy closed-toe heels or pumps complete the look.

A Casual Social Event…in which the goal is to catch up with friends and meet new people—building relationships and having fun. If you show up at an afternoon neighborhood pool party in a short black dress, blown-out hair, industrial-strength mascara, and stilettos, you may garner some initial attention from the male attendees, but probably not the kind you want. You haven’t dressed appropriately for the occasion. Other guests will probably think you’re one brick shy of a load, or that you’ve taken on a new profession, at least part-time. As with all Clothing and Grooming choices, know the event, know the host, know the crowd.

The Casual Lunch Out…is the time and place for a cotton or linen blouse, a men’s tuxedo shirt, cotton or linen pants or khakis, and casual shoes. Bring a sweater or shawl in case the restaurant is really proud of their air conditioning. Casual shoes are not athletic shoes. Flats or elegant, simple pumps are better than sandals and much preferred to ghastly flip-flops or clunky Birkenstock’s. (Please, say ‘No’ to aggs.) Jeans are acceptable if they are not torn and don’t reveal too much. Wear a heel to dress them up. Showing skin between your blouse and your pants should be reserved for the lake, the beach, or poolside at a resort.

The Backyard Barbecue…at a residence in the daylight hours, is perfect for a simple cotton or linen summer top, with cotton or linen pants (long or short), jeans, and some casual sandals or flats. Again no sneakers, flip-flops, or Birken stocks, and again a sweater, if you need it when the sun goes down.

The Important Introduction…is slightly more formal. A daytime example…Let’s say you arrive to meet your boyfriend’s parents for the first time. You’ve dressed in a clean, modest, and fairly traditional dress, or blouse and skirt, with sweater and pumps. That’s a good start. It’s an appropriate ensemble for the venue, whether it be a residence, restaurant, or country club. You’ve dressed to be considerate of your boyfriend, who’s nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

You’re also conveying respect to his parents, who may become members of your family in the future. And you’ve dressed to communicate that you respect yourself. You feel good about yourself. The potential in-laws are impressed. And your boyfriend is appreciative. Easy rule: say to yourself ‘If the situation were reversed, how would I like someone to dress or behave for me?’

The Evening Out…might be dinner at a restaurant, cocktails on the town, or an elegant dinner party at a residence. This calls for the Simple Black Dress. Simple does not mean dowdy or boring. The dress should flatter you. If well-made and welltailored, it will serve you well for years and never go out of style. Not too low cut in 102 front, and not too short in length, please. Accessories may include a cozy shawl, colorful scarf, classic clutch, grandmother’s pearls, or a single great piece of jewelry.

[funnydove-blog]

ETIQUETTE AND MANNERS

Let me first explain the difference between ‘etiquette’ and ‘manners’. Etiquette is the set of written rules that govern civilized behavior, usually at the dinner table and at social functions. Etiquette concerns itself with the ‘rules’ that, for example, govern which forks to use while eating a five-course meal, or where to place your napkin when you’re just getting up to go to the restroom, or leaving the table for the evening. Etiquette is the technical side of proper social behavior.

Manners are the more universal and more human aspect of good behavior. You can get a thing or two wrong about ‘etiquette’, but, if you’re sincere and polite, you may be forgiven. Conversely, you can know every detail about how to hold your knife and fork and what to wear to an event when the invitation you’ve received is engraved, not just printed. But if you aren’t kind, courteous, empathetic, and generous, you fall short of having ‘manners’.

With that distinction out of the way, let me say that most everyone needs to improve their etiquette and manners. Buy a book on etiquette (Emily Post) and read it, then put what you’ve learned into practice.

Place a napkin in your lap at the dining table. Keep your elbows off that same dining table. Chew food with your mouth closed. Don’t talk with food in that same mouth. Unless you’re at an Indian restaurant and feeling native, use utensils to eat. Wait for everyone to be served before you start eating. At more formal affairs, wait for the host or hostess to start eating, or until they invite all the guests to begin, before you start eating. Be aware of the volume at which you speak and laugh.

On this last issue, I must interject a personal note. I live and work in Europe. As an American, it is discouraging how often I find myself glaring across an otherwise quiet restaurant at a group of loud Americans. It is irritating for Europeans, too, who generally sit, eat, and talk quietly, expecting to enjoy their meal in peace. As you embrace the Old Money, New Woman philosophy, please, please remember to be aware of the volume at which you speak and laugh, especially in public and especially when you travel abroad.

Don’t use profanity. Don’t chew gum. Speak articulately. Look online for videos or books that can help you improve your pronunciation and vocabulary. Elevate your standards. Repeat: elevate your standards.

When you meet someone for the first time, smile evenly and sincerely, introduce yourself, and shake hands. Make sure you’ve heard their name and confirm if there’s confusion about this. Maintain a comfortable distance from them (approximately three feet). Engage in polite conversation. Ask questions. Listen. Be sincere. Don’t have too much to drink. You’ll be fine.

Also it’s important to remember that a cornerstone of good manners is the use of thank you notes. Sadly, in an age of text and emails, this practice has fallen out of favor with many women. Revive it and hold it dear. Writing (with pen and ink) and mailing (through the post) a thank you note is an expression of gratitude, the dominant emotion of the universe. More practically, it is a polite way to express your appreciation to someone who has given you a gift, invited you to dinner, or provided you with a referral.

Yes, it takes time to sit down, write, stamp, and then mail a note to someone. That’s the whole point: when someone receives the note, they’ll appreciate that you took the time to write and send it. The quality of the paper and envelope is secondary. The maintenance of this tradition—the formal expression of gratitude—is essential for you, and for society. Champion it.

[funnydove-blog]

SELF DEFENSE

Sadly, I’m required to remind you that not all men acknowledge nonverbal signals,nor do they all respect women as they should. Violence against women is a global problem that you, as a woman, must be personally aware of.

Domestic violence, as the term implies, often refers to physical and emotional abuse that happens at home among family members. A common scenario is that the husband is violent with his wife. Should you find yourself in this situation, or even think you may be going in that direction, there are resources available to you, online, on the phone, down the street.

I am not going to discuss domestic violence in this book. I’m not qualified, and many other authors and professionals are. If you need help, use your power: click on the internet for expert assistance, call a trusted friend, or call 911.

The issue I will discuss briefly is personal safety and self-defense in public areas, where assault is usually unpredictable. The obvious truth is that men are many times physically larger and stronger than women. A man can restrain, attack, and harm a woman, simply because of this physical advantage. Again, sadly, this happens all too frequently.

As a woman, you must ask yourself the question, ‘Would I be able to fight back if I were attacked?’. As a modern woman, you are working, socializing, and traveling, 92 many times late at night and/or alone. You may have experienced a nervous, sinking feeling when walking alone at night, in a seemingly empty or poorly lit parking lot, or in an underground parking garage. Other situations include entering an apartment building, or, as a real estate professional, hosting an ‘Open House’ at a property where you are the only one on site until potential buyers arrive.

You may have been at social events with others in attendance when a man makes an unwelcome advance. You reject him, and he reacts in a threatening or violent manner. You may have extricated yourself from the situation, but, when you leave, you have the uneasy feeling that someone from the party might be following you—to your car or your place of residence.

In this situation, you may become upset and afraid. That’s understandable. What you can’t do is blame yourself for another person’s behavior should they react poorly to your requirement for respect. What you can do is take precautions and be prepared.

Know this: if a man enters your personal space without your permission, you have the right to clear that personal space promptly, without apology or delay. Furthermore, a little preparation and practice can give you a sense of what you could do in the event that you were attacked. This will give you a measure of confidence and competence, which increases the likelihood that you’ll respond effectively in the event someone assaults you.

More than expert technique, the willingness to fight is the priority with this issue. We’ve discussed not being a victim with regards to your finances and your health. This is not being a victim with regards to your personal safety. If you’re a student, there are probably classes and information that can bring you up to speed with the basics of personal safety and self-defense. Seek them out. Pay attention. Take notes.

Find a self-defense technique or strategy that works for you. Get instruction from a professional. Practice. Get comfortable with the idea of protecting yourself. Learn to listen to your instincts and follow them.

Remember: you’re learning to defend yourself from an attacker for a short, intense period of time. It’s not a 15-round boxing match. It’s a 30-second fight. You don’t have to learn a lot. You just have to learn how to hurt someone enough so you can break free of him and run to safety.

The first lines of defense are: having girlfriends you trust with you when you’re out; knowing the venue of the event you’re attending and how to get to and from it safely; 93 and finally, knowing who else is going to be attending an event. If you’ve got these three issues addressed, and you’re comfortable with them, you’re off to a good start.

Some other common-sense rules are as follows: 1. Avoid putting yourself in dangerous situations at all times; 2. Make sure you always have your cell phone with you AND that it’s fully charged; 3. Have a friend, coworker, or relative take you to and wait for you if you have an evening or after hours appointment/interview at an unknown location; 4. Do not walk, jog or hike alone at night, or in an isolated area at any time; 5. Never, ever, ever go to a bar or attend a social event and leave alone after having drinks. Have an employee of the establishment or uniformed security guard walk you to your car. Wait inside near the exit for your taxi or Uber to arrive; 6. Keep gas in your car; do not run out of gas in a strange location; 7. If you are driving and your car fails, pull off the road, lock the doors, turn your emergency lights on. Call 911, a friend, or family member and wait for help to arrive. Only exit your vehicle when you see someone you’ve called that you recognize, or when you see a uniformed law enforcement officer in a marked vehicle; 8. If you’re assaulted, be aggressive and loud. Kicking, hitting, and screaming may be all the self-defense technique you need in a situation.

Take time to discuss self-defense with your girlfriends and colleagues. Add to the list above and personalize it. Learn which local establishments (bars and clubs) are bad news for single women. Get the scoop from friends on mutual acquaintances (men) who have a reputation for ungentlemanly behavior. Avoid all of them.

As a final note, just remember to learn a few basic ‘go-to’ moves that will discourage an attacker. No matter the size of a man, his eyes, throat, and groin remain delicate and vulnerable. One strike to one of those areas can bring him to his knees, and the altercation to an end. Favor techniques that mesh organically with your instinctive responses. These defensive moves will come to you more quickly, and be executed by you more effectively, if you feel they’re ‘natural’.

It is my hope that you learn to defend yourself, and that you never have to defend yourself.

[funnydove-blog]

Walk This Way: To Be Or Not To Be

We’ve just discussed Preparation. Our next topic under ‘Presentation’ is ‘Comportment’, the manner in which you comport yourself: the way you walk, speak, and interact with others, both verbally and nonverbally. This includes posture, your diction and voice, etiquette and manners, and the mannerisms you use when you’re talking or listening to someone. Comportment speaks volumes, before you ever utter a word.

It’s important to understand that we’re starting from ‘the inside’ and moving ‘outward.’ We began with Preparation, the work you do before you step outside your front door or present yourself or your skills to the outside world. This is the ‘work’, the process no one else really sees.

In this chapter on Comportment, we’ll discuss how you carry yourself, after you’re prepared. The way that you carry yourself and generally conduct yourself will remain constant, regardless to whether you’ve just put on a ball gown for an evening out or just finished a ball game with friends.

As I’ve mentioned, the third important aspect of Presentation is ‘Clothing and Grooming’: these things will be discussed last because these are things you can easily change. Being prepared and carrying yourself with grace and a certain reserve are things that you must work at. Know this: it is you who must decide, based on your goals and objectives in life, what ‘being prepared’ means for you. You must decide what image of yourself you’re most comfortable with, and how much preparation is associated with that. That preparation will extend to how you carry yourself…and how you present yourself to the world. I’m simply highlighting some strategies to get you started. So…do the work first. Worry about appearances later.

A key part of Comportment is posture, the position in which you hold your body upright, against gravity, while walking, standing, or sitting. Posture communicates confidence and dignity, or the lack thereof. It is also important for your health, as it impacts the function of nerves and the flow of blood through the body. An easy mental exercise to help with posture is to imagine that a string runs through your spine and that an invisible hand is gently pulling the string through the top of your head, straightening your spine effortlessly, lifting your chin up. Once you visualize that, let your body react to the image, and hold that posture. That’s your default position, sitting, standing or walking. Yoga will strengthen your torso and make good posture easier. You may want to find a yoga regimen that works for you and practice it daily, first thing in the morning. Personally, I do the Five Tibetans each morning. 15 minutes, 5 poses, good to go. You can find photos and instructions online if you’re interested.

Now, let’s talk generally and briefly about your health. You can’t carry yourself with dignity and confidence if you’re lethargic from sitting at your desk or on the sofa all day. You need to adopt an exercise program that works for you. Recently, a doctor was asked what the best kind of exercise was for a person to do. His answer was brilliant: the best kind of exercise for a person to do is the exercise they will do every day.

Weights. Using light weights consistently (1 to 3 pounds each) will give your arms some shape and tone, which is nice if you like to wear sleeveless dresses or punch your brother on a regular basis. Look online for an easy routine that keeps your shoulders, biceps, and triceps in good shape. Light weights, lots of repetitions equals tone without bulk. Heavy weights with fewer reps will pump you up. Use weights with those realities in mind.

Walking. A brisk walk several miles a day is great exercise which doesn’t cost a dime. It will strengthen your legs and torso, as well as benefit your heart and internal organs. It also offers the opportunity to ‘clear your head’, provided you do it without earphones in your ears. Music may motivate you, but it prevents you from being completely aware of your surroundings when you’re out in public, which is not always safe. A good walk, alone with your thoughts and unplugged from emails, phone calls, and social media is a good thing. Early morning is best. Think about it.

Bike. It’s possible to pick up a stationary bike—used, often on Craigslist or yard sale—which can provide you with a great cardiovascular workout in 15 to 30 minutes of daily riding. If you live in a climate where bad weather can make outdoor exercise challenging to do every day, think about this option. Ride it every day, burn calories and sweat out whatever’s bugging you. Watch self-improvement videos online as you ride in order to avoid getting bored and feeling like you’re going nowhere. You are. (Wink, nod.)

In order to develop and maintain proper comportment, discipline will be required. You will need to be vigilant and aware about how you stand, walk, and sit. You will  need to be consistent with exercise. However, the rewards in terms of health and appearance will last a lifetime.

Note: consult your doctor before beginning any physical regimen, then get your butt in gear.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE

Next, let’s address behavior and mannerisms: if you’ve adopted a dumb-blonde, sex-kitten, militant-feminist, faux-intellectual, or any other personae, it’s time to drop it. Shakespeare famously wrote that all the world’s a stage and each of us play a part. It’s fine to play your part, just be yourself as you do. It will be easier to remember your lines, take direction, and act with integrity.

Understand that people, not just women, sometimes behave in quite inauthentic ways in order to try to get attention, to be considered attractive, to be accepted, to protect themselves after getting hurt, or because they don’t think their genuine personalities are good enough. Intelligent and aware adults see through these shallow performances and find them fatiguing, even if they’re somewhat sympathetic to the emotional pain beneath them. So let’s shelve the facades. Be confident enough in your genuine, getting-better-everyday-self to be who you are without pretense or affectation.

Recently, women have been encouraged to reject or mask their femininity in the workplace and adopt the worst behaviors of men: being rude, crude, pushy, or domineering. Resist this temptation. Be yourself. Be your best self. Use your femininity to your advantage. Strength, dignity, and grace are preferable. Avoid vulgarity. Don’t be obnoxious or abusive.

Women don’t have to ‘grow a pair’ in order to compete with men in business. Your awareness of who you are and the value you have—intrinsically as a person and with the skills you’ve developed as a professional—are your greatest assets. As a woman, you can open more doors with a smile than a threat.

Bring your ‘lived experience’ as a nurturer and giver of life to work. You don’t have to be emotional, but you can certainly be empathetic. You can be effective without being artificial. Bring your insight and intuition into the boardroom. These ‘feminine’ attributes have tremendous value in business, politics, and society. Bring your insights. Bring your instincts. Know your stuff. Stand your ground.

[funnydove-blog]

Born Ready: manners

This is the first of three chapters that we’ll categorize as ‘Presentation’, the definition of which is simply the manner in which you present yourself to the world. Under the ‘Presentation’ umbrella, we’ll first address ‘Preparation’. We’ll follow that with a chapter on ‘Comportment’ and then ‘Clothing and Grooming’. We’ll isolate and discuss these elements separately because there is much to be said about each. So, first things first.

Preparation, to be precise, is the extent to which you have made yourself ready to competently and confidently execute a certain task or ready yourself for a particular event. Whether it’s for a piano recital or a basketball game, it is important that you prepare and that you prepare in the correct manner. If, prior to a recital, you spend two hours on your hair, makeup, and wardrobe, but don’t spend time practicing the piano, you probably won’t perform well. You won’t ‘present yourself’ well overall. You may have presented yourself well with regard to your appearance, but you have not prepared to execute the task of playing the piano well. Let’s look at preparation in other familiar situations:

In high school, preparation is a straightforward issue: you show up—mentally and physically—listen to teachers, learn lessons, take notes, and read textbooks in order to be prepared to take and pass exams. As you move onward and upward with your education, you (hopefully) engage with more sophisticated concepts in order to understand how they relate to your world.

In college, you show up, encounter more complex subjects like philosophy and applied mathematics. These enrich your life and may, again, prepare you for life after university, both as a professional with a career and a well-rounded human being with a core base of knowledge.

In the business world, there’s the job interview. You show up—prepared. You’ve researched the company you want to work for. You’ve learned about their executives and their industry and perhaps talked with people who currently work there.

In your career, if you prepare extensively, you will be deemed credible, competent, informed, skilled, or even an expert. You will develop the skills to do what you say you can do, whether it’s painting a fresco or forecasting next quarter’s profit margins.

Those are some of the benefits of being prepared. You should also know there is a price for being unprepared. First, you probably won’t be given a second chance to return to the recital or the business meeting and do it all over again. Life doesn’t work like that: it’s too competitive. People don’t have the time. Furthermore, many times it will be men who sit in judgment of how well you have prepared. Despite their best attempts at being fair, they may still harbor a conscious or subconscious bias against women. You, as a woman, may be required to be ‘extra-prepared’ in order to compete against men who may be less prepared, less qualified, less talented. I’m not telling you anything new, especially if you’re a woman of color.

It is, however, important to know this: your preparation or lack thereof reflects not just on you, but on all women who interview for a job, who make a presentation, who play at a recital. If you’re not as prepared as you can be, you will confirm the prejudices of men who assess your work. You will disappoint the women who have come before you, who have been prepared and have excelled. You will also betray and disadvantage the women who come after you, who have prepared, but now face unfair judgments against them because you, as a woman, weren’t prepared. Be prepared.

SOCIAL NORMS

In closing this chapter, let me just touch on a few points that relate to preparation in your social life.

Know that punctuality is a key habit to develop, obviously when it comes to business meetings and appointments, but also with dates and dinner parties. Waiting on a woman who is not your wife has little charm. Be on time by planning to be on time. Get ready. Leave early. Arrive safely. Old saying: early is on time; on time is late; and late is unacceptable.

For social occasions, preparation also means you’ve gleaned some idea about the event and the guests, what you should wear, where the venue is located, how you’re going to get there—transportation, traffic issues, and directions, and what you should bring as a gift for the hosts.

Being prepared also applies to conversation. Let’s say you’re meeting a potential dating partner for the first time to have a cup of coffee. You might take a look at the morning’s headlines first. This will give you something to talk about that’s above gossip, but not quite as elevated as quantum physics. You might also be prepared to discuss the book you’re reading. (You are reading a book right now, aren’t you?) And you’ll have some questions in mind that you’ll want to ask about the other person.

These fundamentals will help the conversation flow and allow everyone the chance to put their best foot forward.

Note: I would caution you about searching online to gather information in advance about someone you’re going to meet on a social or romantic basis. “Oh, yes, I Google’d you,” is hardly a sparkling opener. Call me old fashioned (again), but I think people might like to be taken at face value. Engage in the magic of meeting someone new without preconceived ideas gathered from internet search results.

Remember: preparation is the key that opens all doors.

“If you’re trying to be normal, you’ll never know how amazing you can be.” —MAYA ANGELO

[funnydove-blog]

Through The Looking Glass

In this chapter, we’re going to discuss ideals and illusions. An ideal is the perfect and complete embodiment of a concept, its supreme collection of attributes, qualities, or abilities. An ideal articulates a target, an aspiration. An illusion is the inaccurate interpretation of something or someone we see, think we know and understand, something we assign value to, something we experience, or something we erroneously accept as true.

In a form of government, many people hold up as an ‘ideal’ the concepts of equality, democracy, shared values, and the rule of law. For example, when the United States’ Founding Fathers drafted the Declaration of Independence, they asserted that ‘all men are created equal’. This was one of the ‘ideals’ they set forth. At the time these words were written, however, the inconvenient truth is that many of these men were slave owners. ‘Equality’ obviously did not apply to their slaves; it did not apply to women, to Native Americans, or even to other white men who did not own property.

Nevertheless, we still hold these words and this concept—that all men are created equal—as our ideal in the United States. It has pushed us forward and made us better. Women, Native Americans, and African Americans now have the right to vote, own property, and marry who they wish. Racial discrimination in the workplace and in education is illegal. The LBGT community makes progress toward more equal rights, based on this ideal.

Ideals fall short of ‘reality’, but they are held up by society as goals to which we should aspire. They elevate thought and action. We need them. They benefit us. We may, one day in a perfect world, achieve an ideal. More likely is that we will keep them in mind as we make imperfect progress.

On a personal level, you may have a role model or an ‘ideal’ of what you want to achieve in your career or who you want to become as a person. You may have an ‘idol’ who has your ‘dream job’ or lives your ‘dream life’. While you know this person is human, that they have faults that you don’t want to adopt and private challenges that you don’t know about, you still hold them up as your role model of what you want to become. What you do with this ideal person is look at how they got to where they are, and see if you can follow a similar path. You model the positive behaviors you see them exhibit: hard work, dedication, skill, creativity, professionalism, grace, and generosity.

If you have a concept as an ideal, you may turn that into your mantra. For example, if you want to be a successful novelist, you might say something like, ’I’m going to be the next J.K. Rowling.’ This doesn’t mean you dye your hair blonde and speak with a Scottish accent. It means you strive to create a great work of fiction that readers the world over enjoy.

The thing you do with an ideal is internalize it, keep it to yourself, and let it silently govern your behavior.

Over time, it is a universal law that what you think about constantly and work toward persistently will become real, although sometimes not in the way you’ve imagined. In this truth lies the importance of having an ideal and pursuing it.

THE ILLUSION

An illusion is an inaccurate opinion, belief, or impression, something that we believe to be true, but that is, by evidence and experience, not true. While an ideal is something we work toward, an illusion is something we cling to. It is a something that we often desperately want to be true, need to be true, or hope to be true, but don’t make any effort to make true. For example, if you say you want to be the next J.K. Rowling, but you’re not sitting down almost every day and writing, if you’re not then taking what you’ve written and pursuing agents and publishers, then you may be suffering from an illusion about being a famous writer.

Note: it often feels better to us to have an illusion about something or someone than to acknowledge the reality and act to change it.

Another example of an illusion that is particularly prevalent among many women is the image they have of their body as it relates to the images that are presented to them in the media. Photographs of picture-perfect celebrities or fashion models whose hair, face, figure, and wardrobe are always perfect, create the illusion that this is ‘real’ and that it is attainable by all women everywhere. The truth about these images, and these celebrities or models, is less glamorous. They are acutely aware that they have chosen a very competitive profession. They commit themselves. They work with acting, singing and diction coaches. They regularly work with personal trainers. They hire chefs to make sure they eat well. They have assistants to handle their schedules and maximize their time.

They know that their image is a major part of their career. Regardless of how hard they work, they need to appear relaxed, elegant, and charming in public. To support this appearance, they have stylists for their hair, personal shoppers for their clothes, publicists for their interviews and appearances, and cosmetic surgeons to provide a little nip and tuck to keep them looking ‘youthful’.

So it’s unrealistic to think that they ‘have it all together’ all the time. After a lot of work by a lot of people, they ‘have it together’ on the red carpet or on screen for a limited period of time. Projecting an effortlessness to it all that belies all the hard work is part of their job: creating an illusion. What’s more, when a photo of them does appear on the internet or in a magazine, it has been retouched by editorial professionals to minimize or eliminate any imperfections and provide a final touch or two of radiance and sparkle. No wonder these women look great. With a team of professionals at their beck and call, they should look great.

This aspect of the entertainment and fashion industries is what it is. These women are in the business of selling dreams: movies, television shows, clothes, and cosmetics. The problem begins when young women and working women are constantly exposed to these carefully manufactured creations. It’s tempting to believe that these artificial creations are the norm, the standard, the rule.

Old Money Gals who embrace the Old Money, New Woman philosophy, who work for a living and use their resources wisely, don’t compare their bodies or their look with the size zero, flawless prototypes that are constantly presented as the ‘ideal’. Old Money Gals know instinctively that this illusion is not any kind of ‘ideal’. They don’t aspire to this. They don’t imitate this. They aren’t envious of this. They aren’t influenced by this.

Some celebrities have sensed this disconnect and addressed it. In 2016, for example, the singer/songwriter Alicia Keys started the #nomakeup movement to address the struggles and pressures to ‘look a certain way’ that many women face. She vowed to stop covering up: ‘Not my face, not my mind, not my soul, not my thoughts, not my dreams, not my struggles, not my growth. Nothing.’ Assess her decision and see how or if it makes sense to you. Moderate your exposure to images of an ‘ideal’ that are predicated on appearance. Do not make yourself crazy in the pursuit of an illusion. While an illusion is a dangerous thing to have about a goal or a situation, it can be positively devastating to have it about a person. As I said, an ideal is something we keep to ourselves. Conversely, an illusion is something we project onto another situation or person. You may already know these things, but it’s critically important now that you understand them and apply them to your life, both at work, in relationships, and in love.

Don’t labor under the illusion that your life is just going to ‘turn out fine’ because you daydream about it but don’t work at it; that you’re ‘entitled’ to a pay increase at work just because you’ve been at your job for a couple of years; or that the slacker you’re dating is going to magically evolve into an ambitious young man just because you continue to love and (financially?) support him.

The reason I say these harsh things is because I have seen too many women have illusions about the world, and about their partners, that permanently impact their lives in unpleasant ways. When these women see the reality about the situations and partners they have become involved with, or the financial choices they have made, they are often left with few viable options. They face divorce, debt, children to care for, and careers to jumpstart late in the game or rebuild with limited resources, and often have little time, money, or strength to change or improve their situations.

I don’t advocate approaching life and love like a business, looking at the risk/reward ratio in every friendship or romance through a transactional lens. I also don’t advocate approaching life and love as a fairy tale, thinking that a happy ending will surely turn up, somehow, someday. When you take the time to invest in yourself and learn who you are and what’s important to you, you’ll be more likely to determine what your ‘ideal’ or ‘ideals’ are in life. You’ll also be less susceptible to illusions, whether they involve material possessions or other people.

The things you consider important will be more intangible, like purpose, work, and integrity, but more meaningful. Superficial things that are advertised and promoted will hold less appeal and carry less weight. When this shift in your thinking occurs, you will be able to face ‘reality’ with less trepidation and ‘own’ your future. Tell yourself the truth and live accordingly.

Now that we’ve addressed some illusions on the personal front, let’s discuss some illusions that appear in relationships.

[funnydove-blog]

Decisions, Decisions

A‘protocol’ may refer to an ‘original document’ from which subsequent documents or agreements are drawn. For our purposes, protocols will refer to preset rules and guidelines that govern behavior and frame choices. Protocols can be effectively used to maximize opportunities and happiness and minimize mistakes.

Many people (including me) often create a protocol only after a particularly unpleasant experience. “I’ll never do that again,” is one of the most common responses to a mistake. We’ve all heard someone else say it, and we’ve all said it ourselves. Whatever the oath pertains to, if it’s honored, the behavior going forward is governed by that protocol. Hopefully, future results from the changed behavior are much improved, or at least the mistake is not repeated.

This is the hard and often costly value of experience. It’s been said that if you learn something, you’ll remember it; but if you experience something, you’ll know it. Think of it as the difference between someone who watches a documentary about war on television and someone who’s actually been to war.

To avoid an unpleasant experience, you can create protocols. These are rules that you create and live by, decisions you make in advance. The direction and quality of your life will be reflected in the protocols that you hold most dear. You may want to create protocols for the following categories:

The Spiritual

how you interpret and ‘live’ your religion, philosophy, or spiritual practice;

what rituals and traditions you observe (example: ‘I meditate every morning.’);

what commitment you may or may not make to non-violence;

how you translate your spiritual philosophy into daily interactions with other people.

The Personal

how you conduct your daily affairs, making commitments (slowly), honoring

them (always), and complaining about doing so (never);

how you budget your time, your energy, and your generosity;

how you commit to your emotional health on a regular basis;

how you plan to exercise (example: ‘I do yoga five days a week’);

what you eat and don’t eat;

what you drink and don’t drink;

what drugs you use and avoid;

what you read and how often;

how often you travel, to where, and for what purpose;

how you honor your commitments to your spouse or partner;

how you honor and provide for your children.

The Professional

how you conduct yourself in the workplace with regard to your colleagues;

how you conduct yourself in the workplace with regard to ethical or legal issues;

how much time you intend to commit to work each day or week;

how much time and money you intend to commit to improving your professional skills through continuing education or training;

what professional title, certification, or position you plan to achieve (example: ‘I’m going to be a pediatrician.’)

The Financial

how much money you want to earn and how you plan to earn it;

how much money you want to save, how often you plan to save it (example: ‘I save 20% of my gross income every week’);

the terms and conditions under which you will loan money to friends and family, if at all;

how much money you want to spend and what you want to spend it on;

how much money you want to give to charity and which charity you want to give it to;

what investments you will and will not consider (example: ‘I don’t invest in pornography, companies with poor track record of sustainability, or any business that is illegal.’)

What is involved in establishing a protocol?

One way to establish a protocol is to have an experience yourself, feel the pain or the reward that comes from your choices, then vow to always do something or never do something in a particular way going forward.

Another way to establish a protocol for yourself is to listen to, digest, and heed wise advice from someone else who knows more and/or has seen more than you.

You borrow someone else’s experience, knowledge, courage, or perspective from them and apply it into your situation.

Remember that in order to benefit from the establishment and use of a protocol you need to make them in advance, before you get ambushed, unprepared to make an important choice, and before the resulting painful experience has you grumbling and swearing out of the side your mouth.

For example, if you want to be in good financial shape in the future, you might create a protocol for yourself that says: I always earn more than I spend. This protocol would benefit you in good times and bad, and help you avoid rough patches that you could create for yourself through credit card debt.

Furthermore, following this protocol could provide you a cushion to handle rough economic times that you had no hand in creating. You would have savings and investments to ride out the storm.

I’m going to offer some Old Money protocols for you to consider, but creating Advance Protocols is really going to be your personal work over your lifetime. Some of these will govern your life at a specific point in time—as a single woman, for example—and some of them will serve you well from now until, you know, age 85. These protocols are your guidelines. They will elevate and moderate your behavior through any and all circumstances. If you lose everything, they will help you maintain your dignity. If you have unbelievable success, they will help you accept your rewards and recognition with grace.

They will help you avoid mistakes and handle mistakes. They will help you create and hold a poised equilibrium which is the mark of a highly evolved, principled individual.

THINGS TO REMEMBER

When people older and more worldly than you offer advice, they are often trying to lend you their experience without you being required to pay for it with money, suffering, or lost opportunity. If the advice is sound, if it is relevant to your situation, if you accept it, and if you act on it properly, consider yourself fortunate to benefit from their wisdom without acquiring it through experience. This is a rare occurrence and a blessing.

The protocols you adopt and adhere to will form your own personal ‘code’ that you live by. They will act as a blueprint as you design and build your life, and they will be a personal support system when you face difficult situations.

When you find yourself in an unfamiliar situation, your decisions will be easier to make. If you established a set-in-stone protocol in advance, you don’t have to ‘decide’. The decision has already been made for you.

If someone makes a request that you’re not comfortable with, it may not be pleasant to say: “That’s not something I do.” It will, however, enable you to deliver the bad news as a matter of policy, not something personal.

On the other side of that coin, when someone learns that it’s a protocol of yours to, let’s say, double check all of your work, it will instill confidence. It will also tilt the scales in your favor should a controversy ever arise: your protocol has already been established and communicated to others. Everybody knows how you roll.

Protocols are not just walls to keep trouble at bay: they are bridges that connect you to those who share your values, and may even share some of your protocols. You won’t need to broadcast or pontificate, just adhere to your protocols. Your actions will tell everyone everything they need to know.

Articulating, establishing, and implementing life-long protocols can be challenging and may be isolating at times. Do it anyway. Construct protocols wisely. Adopt them deliberately. Live by them always. Even if it’s difficult. As we’ve noted, you must embrace pain and use it as fuel for your journey.

[funnydove-blog]

The Going Get Tough

The Going Get Tough he Extremely Challenging Endeavor (the ‘ECE’) is a physically, mentally, and emotionally difficult task or experience in which a person is isolated from a familiar environment and is forced to marshal their own resources in order to complete the given task. I encourage you to put yourself through at least one.

The purpose of this experience is to permanently change the person for the better. They become more competent, more disciplined, more self-reliant, and more confident.

If you haven’t had the trauma/privilege of boarding school, or the formative experience of military service, seek out your own ECE. I don’t recommend putting yourself in physical danger, but a physically demanding element to the ECE is often helpful.

Note: before you do anything physically demanding or risky, consult your physician. Prepare and train, get professional assistance. Use equipment that is in good condition. Be safe as you challenge yourself. An ECE may result in you having blisters on your feet. It should not result in your leg being in a cast.

You may want to hike the Appalachian Trail, run a marathon, climb a mountain, or bicycle across your state. The options are wide open. The only limits are what you can do physically and how much time you can take to do them. Investing in yourself is key. The ECE is going to do the following:

Develop a results oriented, not appearances oriented, mindset;

Enable you to put the opinions of others in their proper place, as ‘others’ are not going to be with you when you take on this challenge, endure these hardships, and discover new strengths and weaknesses about yourself;

Exhaust you physically and challenge you mentally;

Expand what you think you’re capable of;

Establish a foundation of personal confidence and resourcefulness which you can draw upon going forward, in all aspects of your life.

Some of you may be saying to me right now, ‘You know, Byron, not to cut you off, but just getting out of my family situation/school/neighborhood was an Extremely Challenging Endeavor.’ I completely understand that. I don’t have a ‘one size fits all’ attitude about the advice I offer. You may now have street smarts and toughness that serve you well. 

Maybe you go on a more spiritual quest, like taking a vow of silence for a week (I’d suggest being on vacation from your job); going offline with your laptop and cell phone for a week; meditating every day for a month. It may be an educational pursuit: getting your MBA or a law degree, or learning computer programming while you’re working full time.

Whatever your ECE is, when you’re doing it, it needs to demand all of your attention and all of your effort. As an example, in 2017, my wife completed the Camino de Santiago, walking 629 miles across northern Spain in 28 days. (Photos of her adventure grace the pages of this book.) She trekked from Saint Jean Pied du Port in France, across the Pyrenees and into Spain. Sometimes alone, and sometimes in the company of other ‘pilgrims’ (as they’re called), she hauled herself and her backpack through the countryside. 

Each day offered something new—pouring rain, enchanted forests, baking plains—and familiar comforts, most notably the generosity of the Spanish people who shared their food, accommodations, and prayers each step of the way. There was no time to care about hair, makeup, gossip, or small talk. What was trending on the internet mattered not. Familiar surroundings, distractions, and modern conveniences were gone. The environment was new and unknown. The focus was on the task at hand.

That task was, again, physically and emotionally challenging and results-oriented, i.e., getting up at dawn and walking 15 to 20 miles to the next town without delay, so she could eat, rest, wash her clothes, hang them to dry, plan the next leg of the journey, and go to bed early. She enjoyed the experience. But, then again, she attended Catholic school in Boston, so this wasn’t her first ECE, if you know what I mean.

If you served in the armed forces, your boot camp was your ECE. If you didn’t, then you must find your own personal ECE. It should strip off the petty insecurities we all carry around, force a mental toughness to set in, and let you exit the experience with a different, improved image of yourself based on your successful completion of the challenge.

The ECE is an investment in you. The endeavor itself is external, physical, and tangible, an accomplishment you can quantify: example, ‘I hiked the Grand Canyon.’ The change will be internal, psychological, and may be less obvious to others: a personal, private evolution you cannot easily articulate, the person you become  when you’ve finished your ECE.

Good steel can withstand any temperature.’ —GABRIEL BETANCOURT

Old Money families invest in their children by ensuring they experience an ECE: an Extremely Challenging Endeavor. This can involve boarding school, military service, or sports. It forces the child to draw upon their own resources and forge an independent identity away from comfortable surroundings, away from privilege.

[funnydove-blog]

Under The Influence: THE INFLUENCE OF FRIENDS AND FAMILY

THE INFLUENCE OF FRIENDS

To make sure you’re the one primarily in control of the direction your life is taking, it’s often necessary to take an objective inventory of your friends. Your friends know you, intimately. They’ve been around you for a long time, so they’re important to you. They can be a great source of encouragement and support as you pursue your goals and share life experiences. They can be a source of great comfort and support for you in difficult times, and you can do the same for them.

Likewise, they can sometimes persuade you to do less-than-brilliant things you would never otherwise do. Peer pressure is a very real thing, and sometimes not a good thing. You have so much in common that you may think choices that make sense for them also make sense for you. This may not always be so.

It is a time-tested fact that you will become like your friends. Don’t think you are different in this regard. You will adopt many of their attitudes and habits over time. If your aspirations differ markedly from theirs, your friendships will likely fade.

You will either study harder or study less depending upon your friends. You’ll either get into trouble or get into grad school depending on your friends. You’ll either save or waste money depending on your friends. And when you’re successful, you’ll either have to watch your back or enjoy a pat on the back, depending upon your friends.

You may be able to have a beer or a cup of coffee every once in a while with your friends who have taken a different road than you, but you won’t be able to spend quality time and really share important things with them. If you’re saving and planning to start a new business and they’re raising hell at the local pub every night, don’t expect much camaraderie, support, or understanding. They don’t have the same priorities as you. They may not be going in the same direction or share your values anymore.

Key things to ask yourself right now about your friends, collectively and individually, include the following:

Can I rely on them?

Can they rely on me?

Do they encourage me to do the right thing?

Do I feel better after spending time with them?

Do they have constructive goals for their own lives?

Do they send a card on my birthday? Do I do that for them?

Do they let me know about it if I’ve behaved inappropriately?

Do they make a sincere effort to keep in touch throughout the year?

Even if our ambitions differ, is everyone supportive of everyone else?

Do they ask me for money or expect me to pay all the time when we’re out together?

Do they let me know if they think I may be in danger or may be making a really big, bad decision?

Are they there for me—meaning do they show up and offer emotional support— when something good or bad happens to me?

A rule for you, and for your friends: if it’s not nice, don’t do it. If it’s not true, don’t say it.

Embrace and nurture the friendships that are up-lifting. Moderate the time and energy you spend with those who are constantly complaining and gossiping. Retreat from toxic individuals who look to sabotage your efforts to be happy and get ahead. ‘Up your game’ in being a good friend to those you care about. 

Make the extra effort to keep in touch. Remember birthdays. Buy and give gifts on time. Send cards. Take the initiative and coordinate events for your friends to get together for no reason other than to get together.

Remember: in order to chart your own course in life, you’re going to have to determine if your friends are supportive or holding you back, intentionally or not. This is your life. Value it. Friends are worth their weight in gold. Cherish them.

THE INFLUENCE OF FAMILY

The most deep-seated and difficult directional influence to recognize is often the influence of your family. Because you have spent, many times, all of your young life around them, their influence may be too great, too overpowering, too invasive. This influence may not take into consideration that you are your own person with your own educational and professional goals. This all-encompassing influence may affect your ability to objectively choose your direction in life. Your immediate family—parents and siblings—are usually the most influential. Grandparents—unless they became your ‘parents’ and raised you—aunts, uncles, and cousins have less influence most of the time.

The first fact that can contribute to their less-than-healthy influence is that you came into your family as a baby. You’ve probably spent your childhood years in the care of your family. They most likely still see you as a child, even if you’re 35 years old with a career and children of your own.

The second part of the problem is that they love you, they think they know you well, and they think they know what’s best for you. It’s difficult for your family—especially your immediate family members—to not project their own fears, limitations, hopes, and dreams onto your life. Don’t blame them: they’re human. The challenge with family is that it’s an emotional mixed bag: you have positive feelings and negative feelings for the same people, often to the extreme in both instances.

In fairness, it’s important to acknowledge the positive influence than your family has probably had on you. If it’s a positive influence, you want to confirm it, be grateful for it, and use it to fuel your endeavors. In most families, there’s a wealth of knowledge, experience, support, and expertise. If possible, take advantage of those. Listen to your family members. Learn from them. Sift through their stories and advice for pearls of wisdom that can be of value to you.

Much of what you have learned and much of the influence your family has over you may be constructive. If you’re lucky, they told you that you’re special, that you’re intelligent, that you have potential. They supported your efforts to be a good student, to be a good person. They taught you not to lie, cheat, or steal. They scolded you when you tried to kill your little brother, even if he deserved it. They respected your opinions and choices even when they disagreed with them.

A good exercise is to make a list of what your parents and family have done for you that you appreciate. It may be as simple as feeding you and clothing you from birth to age 18. It may be as expansive as giving you a college education and the resources to travel around the world. Most likely, the very fundamentals of it are that your parents loved you, raised you, and want the best for you, in spite of their faults. Make the list. Write it down, and the next time you’re visiting with them, read the list to them, expressing your gratitude for what they did as parents. Do this in person. Don’t criticize anything. Don’t qualify anything. Just express your appreciation.

If your family has had an overall positive and constructive impact on your life, you have to honor that. Make the time and effort to see them. Spend quality time together. They were there for you. Be there for them.

Remember: if you encounter something in life that is positive, you want to confirm it, be grateful for it, and use it to fuel your endeavors. If it’s a negative, you want to articulate it, isolate it, and distance it from your definition of who you are.

Speaking of the negative…Your parents may have said and done things that may not have been helpful, and even hurtful and harmful. They may have said or implied that you’re not that smart, that your abilities are limited, that you’re not a person someone else could ever love. They may have sabotaged your efforts to progress by threatening to withdraw their love if you move on, or laid guilt on you for wanting more or being different. They may also disapprove of your decisions, as they are not the decisions they would have made. Don’t feel like you’re alone here.

Break these memories and feelings down into smaller, more manageable elements. First, look at your parents’ intentions toward you as a child, and then look at their intentions toward you as an adult. Have these intentions evolved as you’ve become an adult? Or do they still treat you like a child? Whatever your answers are to these two questions, simply repeat to yourself: ‘I make my own decisions.’

Recognize that a painful, negative influence by a family member is not always a verbal statement made in the open. It can be subtle, manipulative behavior, which is worse because you can’t as easily identify it and address it. This type of influence and behavior may color your self-image and may negatively impact your self-worth. It can hinder personal growth and breed resentment.

If you feel your family has an overall negative impact on your life, there are three things you can do: make your own money, live your own life, and live it at a distance. If you can’t move to a different city, put up your own boundaries. If you can’t support yourself, get a second job. Be attentive about what information you share and who you share it with. Be attentive about being too available for needy family members. Moderate your responses to your family’s behavior. Maintain your integrity. Don’t be self-destructive or contrary just to make a point.

Understand that sometimes your family is meddling in your affairs, and sometimes they are expressing genuine concern. Try to recognize the difference. Do this by considering the source and the intent. Ask yourself: is this a typical concern for a mother or father? Then ask yourself: what are they trying to accomplish with this behavior? Is it to control me? Keep me safe? Help me in the long run? Hold me back?

If you’re in eminent physical danger, a victim of domestic violence, addicted to alcohol or drugs, or risking the health and safety of your own children, then your parents have a right to get into your personal business and, with the assistance of qualified professionals, intervene. Otherwise, they get to leave you in peace.

Keep in touch regularly, but not frequently. Share information selectively. ‘Let them read about in the newspapers,’ is how one Old Money Gal put it when asked if she was going to tell her parents she’d sold her company. I’m guessing they had some issues, but she had definitely come to terms with who she needed approval or recognition from, and it wasn’t Mom and Dad.