furioustidalwavekid

[furioustidalwavekid]

If I died, I'd surely be a vengeful spirit

[furioustidalwavekid]

I was a fool. Even before it all ended.

I trusted you when you said you were busy with work. Being 2.5 hours ahead of you, I stayed awake every night until late. I could have gone to sleep, but if I did that, I would miss your text for the day. I kept waiting for your text to appear on my phone. After working so hard, I imagined you were taking some time for yourself first before texting me. So I would usually receive your text for the day at 10 or 11 PM. I would text you back right away. We would exchange some short messages for a while before you'd gone again for the next whole day and come back at the next night. Some people might call me fool to have waited for you everyday, sacrificed my sleep, just to have short interactions that you'd leave it again and again for long. But that was the only way to have interactions with you, my boyfriend at that time, so I decided to treasure it, knowing I would sacrifice my own time and health for it.

You said you'd call me when you're free and I shouldn't ask you to call me. But if I never mentioned about call, you'd never plan it anyway. You'd rather spend your free time without me. You used to call me everyday when you "loved" me. But I know your "love" faded just after a few months into the relationship, you're never excited about me again, you didn't want me again. You were bored having me in your life. Yet you acted like work were the only primary factor for all of the changes in you.

You said I was just overthinking things. You said it was all nonsense. Do you think with my personality I would ask you this and that if there were no strong reasons? I even lied to myself, saying that maybe I was indeed wrong, maybe I was really just overthinking things, maybe I was just overly anxious. I tried to trust you over and over again, I never demanded time from you ever again, I gave you the space you need, and I never brought up again about the way you talk with and protect your "cute little sister" that made me feel worthless, invisible, and wanted to kill myself every time I remember this. You didn't know just how much I sacrificed for this relationship. Surpressing my feelings, walking on an eggshell; all just so you'd give me this little attention. The pain was unbearable, life felt like an endless torture. What hurt the most from this period was that I felt like I was losing myself to please you, to keep you around. I let myself, my self-esteem, to be trampled, just so I could still be with you.

Yet, you blamed all of the causes of this downfall on me. When I tried to communicate my feelings, you kept invalidating my feeling by joking it away or saying I was just overthinking. Then, I changed my tone and tried to express it in a more serious yet calmer manner. But you always took it as my picking up a fight everytime I did it with you. Overtime, it was like a self-fulfilling prophecy. That one time, in November, I really was picking up a fight with you. I couldn't bear the pain anymore. I was reckless but I felt like you needed to know what I felt deep down.

What I expected was good communication, understanding each other, finding ways to solve the problems. Yet, you keep being defensive as though I was the only problem in this relationship.

Giving you my first kiss and virginity, the things deemed as sacral in my country, I never regret to have given it to you. It didn't matter much to me, even though if anyone found out I'm no longer a virgin before married, they will surely curse me. However, I regret having opened my heart for you. I regret learning to love you back. I should have known that in the end, people will eventually leave me. I shouldn't have sacrificed a lot for you. I should have just kept being indifferent to you and treat you as a new friend. That way, I wouldn't be hurt. I was a fool because I trusted you when you said you'd never hurt me and that you'd love me for a long time. Complete bullshit. I should have known better.

I thought I was special, turned out I was even less than ordinary. This relationship lacked interactions, we met only twice before we broke up. Maybe you'd totally forget this relationship just a few months after it ended. Maybe you wouldn't even remember my name or my appearance a year from now.

You might think that I was the worst ex you ever had. But, did you ever think just how hard this relationship was with just 1 side fighting for it? I wasn't perfect. You could see your exes everyday when you dated them. You could go on dates every weekend. They understood you better, they could observe your mood, your expression, your body language. They knew your habit, what you liked and didn't like in real life. Me? I couldn't. I tried to understand you better through constrained texts and calls, and those 2 meetings, but in the end they weren't enough. After all of the effort I put into understanding you better, you still said that it was very hard for me to understand you. Yes, it was, and I'm sorry for that.

Breaking up with you was incredibly difficult for me. Losing this relationship doesn't only mean losing you as a person, but also losing the hopes I've been clinging to, and my future self I saw in those hopes. I loved my ex so much, but when I broke up with him, I was younger. I did think about marriage, but it was not as clear as the plans I made while being with you. So this relationship with you was different.

I was serious about this relationship, having concrete plans to bring it to marriage. I did everything I could to support this relationship. But when you suddenly broke me up while things were slowly improving, I felt like I was suddenly gone blind. All of my hopes, all gone. I felt like I didn't know where to go. Should I stand still? Should I stride blindly into the wilderness? I really don't know. The excruciating pain, one day, it suddenly went numb. Maybe it was a defense mechanism since I couldn't bear it anymore. But then, days gone by, and suddenly it felt like my scars are being forcefully opened again. It goes on and on.

Initially I thought you were different from my ex, you're willing to reply my messages even when we were on fights. But a day after we broke up, you just stopped replying to me. I sent you two messages and you just read them. I called you but you declined. It hurt so much. It felt like I was going back to the time with my ex. I felt worthless. I was thinking, should I kill myself to make you at least care about me? Can you at least not hurt me anymore? I really don't wanna be hurt again. If there's a way I can be free from pain, please tell me.

I really don't know anymore. Hopes keep you alive, but the loss of the very same hope would turn your life into an endless torture. I'm not religious, but now every night, I pray to God to bring you back to me. Do I really still want you then? I don't know anymore. Yet, I still ask God for you. It hurts to keep being like this. I wish you know how much pain I have to endure just to wake up everyday.

[furioustidalwavekid]

I wish I could lose the ability to love someone else. That way I won't be hurt again and again. The absence of happiness from loving someone is much better than a lifetime of unbearable pain of being hurt by other person.

[furioustidalwavekid]

I like chicken breast. You like chicken thigh. We went to a supermarket and I gave up breast for thigh, because that's what you like. At home, I saw you struggling at the kitchen. Removing fats from the thighs. I asked you why since you love the juicy fatty chicken thigh. You said "because you hate chicken fats".

I should have known that this romantic gesture was indeed a foreshadow of our outcome.

[furioustidalwavekid]

When you're stuck between looking for things to hope for and trying not to hope. Hopes keeping us alive. But the pain of a crushed hope turns life into an endless torture.

[furioustidalwavekid]

People find comfort in religions because they have something to shift the blame to.

[furioustidalwavekid]

Why did you invite me into your life just to abandon me and discard me like a trash

[furioustidalwavekid]

having a “favorite person” is so glorified and sounds lovely until you uncover the horrendous attachment issues and instability

i wish people could understand how painful of a curse it is

[furioustidalwavekid]

Loving someone shouldn't be this tiring

[furioustidalwavekid]

Happiness and pain supposed to be two sides of the same coin. So, why do I feel only pain and never get any happiness?

[furioustidalwavekid]

My feet are tied to a concrete brick at the bottom of the ocean.

[furioustidalwavekid]

Life is full of surprises. However, sometimes the surprises are simply jumpscares.

[furioustidalwavekid]

I want to fight for the people and at the same time want to fight the people because people are so freaking annoying and cruel

[furioustidalwavekid]

Wish I could lose my ability to love someone else. That way, I won't be hurt again and again.

[furioustidalwavekid]

If there's a God, I'd hate him to death.

[furioustidalwavekid]

It feels like you're drowning in the vastness and darkness of the sea. No matter how hard you try, you can never reach the surface. Slowly, your consciousness fades away and you can finally find peace.

[furioustidalwavekid]

I'd rather be a super villain than be a powerless hero