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I never wanted to write it down because it will make me remember.

You as always, irritated by things.. throwing tantrums.. when you could've just let go.

Do you really have to?

Hours. I fix myself every time for hours just to look nice and with just one inconvenient shit you throw every good shit I dreamed of.

Sitting in your car with my mind racing with hurtful thoughts. With my heart racing with fear. The moments I wanted to go home but I did not because I was waiting for you to tell me that you were just having a bad day and that I shouldn't be worried.

Always waiting for your hand to take mine and make me feel safe. But I-- I always end up frustrated and disappointed and embarrassed by myself for waiting.

The thought of you asking me to settle down scares me the most.

Someone asked me if I see myself ending up with you... the question was too hard I I had answered half heartedly with yes. The question was simple, right?

I wish that you would just have a change of heart because running away from you is too damn hard it's torturing me.

July 27, 2024

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50

I got up early today because it was my IGRA duty today.

I only have thousand bills and have no coins so I took my twenty and your 50 (to buy tokwa when I get home and eat lugaw because your tummy still hurts even when I wanted to eat spaghetti).

>> finished my task and went home.

You were already awake. Asked you how you were feeling and told you to consult a doctor... said you'll try OTC pills you read on google first.

Then you found out your 50 was missing. I was embarrassed and told you I needed it for my fare when really I used to to buy food.

I apologized.

You went down with few coins and found out you brought little.

Asked you if you want me to bring you additional coins.. I was getting dressed when you stormed back in just.like.that. without even looking at me. Like it was my fault. To make me feel guilty. To make me realize what I did was wrong. To make me feel you were angry.

I was caught off guard.. before you went to the store we were laughing. You looked at me with all your heart. and for just 50? just slight inconvenience. This was not the first. I will never understand.

You stormed in, I was taken aback. I was shaking.. I felt bad. I felt guilty. I felt all of the bad things I keep on thinking about myself.

For 50 pesos you took my peace away.

Now I am watching you sleep like you did nothing. Like you didn't destroy me.

How can someone be so at peace after taking someone else's.

I will never understand.

May 18, 2024

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2023, You are still the  biggest shit. 

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you are the biggest shit ever.

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I had FUN today. But you’re leaving tomorrow na :(((((

I’m gonna be the SADDEST HUMAN BEING EVER.