fuziiy

[fuziiy]

a poem for my mom

I used to wonder what might have been if my mother had waited to have me until she was ready. But then, we’re in her jeep: no roof, no windows, racing down Florida 869. Her hair tangles in the wind, and she spits out a strand, annoyed. If this were a movie, she’d be in slow motion, incandescent light on her creased brow. I watch her profile and see myself in the dip of her lips, in the curve of her jaw. So many words meant for her, but they stick in my throat choked by all my what ifs. In the haze of red break lights she glances my way. Notice the suffocating doubt, Please. Her lips lift in a reassuring smile, she waits, and somehow, I know, she always will.

[fuziiy]

this is what fearing emotional intimacy does to a person

I was listening to Amnesia by 5SOS in the car today and I had the startling realization that I want someone to break my heart.

Please — someone take this organ out from my chest and crush it slowly. Bring me to my knees with the ache of it all.

Make me sit cross-legged in my bed, surrounded by used tissues and empty pints of ice cream, with mascara stained tears bleeding down my face, just like in the movies.

Do something, anything, so I can know what it all means. Take everything from me and don't ever give it back.

I want material for poems, stories, imagination, life.

Alright. Cool. Girl, that's nice and all, but you have to let someone love you first.

[fuziiy]

poem draft

If you live in a city with a lot of light Pollution and you look up at the sky The stars are hiding, they only show Themselves when it is undoubtful They will be the only thing you look At, stars want to be the stars of the show

Look at the static of the television Let your eyes unfocus, allow the haze Of white dots take over your mind That’s the closest you’ll ever get to seeing A sky full of stars

Unless you are on a boat In the middle of the Atlantic or On a beach of a lost island Or in the middle of a field You would never be able to find Your way out of

Then you can look up and let the hinges Of your body come undone Let your head fall back, your jaw Come loose, your legs give out And your back hit the deck/sand/grass

Gaze at the millions of lights Above you and allow them to shower You with joy, breathlessness, an unmistakable Understanding that nothing will ever feel like this

Forget your phone You can’t capture this with anything But your own eyes Sharpen your memory So you can keep a snapshot In your brain forever

Unless you want to keep your eyes Trained on the static of the Television And pretend That it’s Real