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goodbye. adiĆ³s.Ā ććØć¾ćć. au revoir. selamat tinggal.
12/31/21
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Before 2021 ends, and Iāll leave, Iāll write some about this year.
2021 wasnāt a best year, honestly, I could say that this year was worse, way worse than the year that my dad passed away in 2014.
The first 6 months in 2021, I spend with denying that I have mental illness and refusing to go to see psychiatrist. In January, I have to face some problems related to my skrisphit. End up the problems that related to skripshit become worse in February that drives me crazy. My lecture wanted me to change everything about my skripshit. Literally everything that I thought I couldnāt even finish it because it was beyond my ability. I couldnāt sleep well in 2 weeks, I often awake in the middle of the nights spend the nights listening to sad and depressing songs and cry over it. I could say I lose my will to live. I lost appetite. I felt like my world is falling apart.
In March, I took a break for 2 weeks, escaping for a day to another city, and it brings me to the decision that I have to move out to Banjarbaru, staying for about two months, thought it could release the pain that I have, but I guess I was just escaping from the problems that I have.
In April, I finally have a courage to start my skripshit, start it over. And finally I send it to my lecture, well, it didnāt give me enlightment to finish the rest, it made me stuck, for months. But I was still productive since I help my relatives by working at their store, managing their store, well, helping them out to run the store. I have to work from 6 am to 10 pm with a break every prayer times for around 10 minutes to pray, and once a day I had an hour break. I couldnāt say Iām physically fine, since I often nosebleed in the morning everytime I wake up. Good thing, I decided to purchase a plane ticket for leaving in July.
In June, I came back to my grandmaās, accompany her for a while, helping my cousin to bake some cookies because she was selling cookies. June was fine I guess, since I got to spend it with my relatives. I got to meet my grandma. Well, I still struggle to fight against myself to finish my skripshit, I couldnāt find the courage to do it.
In July, all I remember is that I have to cancel my flight. And at the end of July, I decided to see psychiatrist. I was diagnosed for having depressive episode. The rest of the year I spend with psychiatrist appointment, sometimes once a week, sometimes once a month. Yes, Iām getting better. I could sleep earlier, theres no more sleep late. Yes, I might experience unstable mental some days, but it only lasts for hours. I lost appetite for months, losing so much weights in 5 days. I still remember I lost 4kg in 5 days. I was losing energy to do anything.
Yet, my med still accompany me until now. Sertraline once a day to handle my depression, olanzapine to manage my mood, and clobazam everytime my anxiety hits me. Good thing, im getting better.
At the end of the year, i still feel blessed. I finally can go back home after 4 years. I get to meet my relatives here in Bali. I get the courage to finish my skripshit tho I still donāt know if I did it right. At least I tried my best to do it.
Having mentall illness sucks, I realize that im not as open as I used to, I mean, I loved meeting new people, getting to know more about other people, getting to know their culture, their thoughts. But since this year was depressing as hell, it was hard for me to meet new people. I realize Iām not as talkative as I used to. I donāt text people first even if I was facing my hard times. Another thing I should feel blessed about is, my closest has been really understanding. They often text me first just to ask how I was doing, they checked up on me. This year, I donāt grow any connections, this year iām focusing to heal from my mentall illness.
All I wish is to graduated next year and having my closest always by my side accompany me along the way. I wish that I could healed. Peace and happiness is all that I seek.
2021, Iām leaving you. Leaving all the pain. Leaving everything bad behind. Iām so excited to face a new year. I know it wonāt be easy, some days might be difficult, but I hope I can face it. I hope I have the strength to face it.
Happy new year, everyone! Iām leaving.
12/31/21.
Writing these with joy and love,
Kadek.
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was taken 4 years ago.
it's 4 days before your birthday, dad. im here in Bali rn. i miss you so much. thank you for coming to my dream last night ya, pak. i knew youve been watching us from up there happily with my brother.
even if youve gone, we'll always be the part of this family. Bali has always been a home to us. im so grateful to be your daughter and im glad that im a balinese.
dad, i think i get to understand the way people speak in bali language but i still couldnt be able to speak it out freely. its just one time i accidentally say "seng" when someone asked me. and also id try to say be medar everytime people asked me whether i have eaten.
be happy up there with my brother dad. i love you so much. everyone here misses you. <3
dec, 27th 2021.
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makasi dramanya. sy hrs lari lari mulu krn flight tbtb dimajuinš©
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