fvnnythiings

[fvnnythiings]

❝ geez, my back was already hurting from carrying all the losers in the circus & being the funniest, coolest guy here — now my neck is starting to hurt from looking down at all of the short stacks. ❞

a dramatized sigh.

❝ i guess my troubles just never end. ❞

[fvnnythiings]

it would be funny if it wasn’t so devastating ; how the memories that cling to us like sweat, like a second skin crawling over us, are the ones we’d sooner forget. jax almost envied kinger ( in a way bordering on ironic ), for the memories he’s lost, the heartbreak that’s been numbed with time & edges blurred. if given the choice, would jax forget ? would he let go, or would that mean also having to give up a bigger part of himself in the process ? is the exchange worth it — do the visions ceasing to haunt him outweigh what it means to be able to feel in the first place ? he thinks he knows the answer, & it hardens something in his chest.

this particular memory, the one that flutters behind closed eyes & taps against his temples just when he’s thought to have gleaned some reprieve, is one that takes place before the circus. how old was he, then ? 10 ? 12 ? 14 ? no, not that old : no younger than 10, but certainly no older than 12. how interesting it is to consider what the mind deems important enough to remember like sharp reflections & what it lets slip through the cracks. the cornstalks are one of the images his brain can pull forth so effortlessly.

partly, he assumes, because they were so looming. tall, skinny, & darkened with ripeness. it had to have been late autumn, with the way the summer heat was progressively getting pushed out by crisp winds & the corn hanging above his head ( he always remembered being tall : how had he ever been so small ? or was this some nightmarish exaggeration brought on by his own fear ? ) opening, ready to be picked. he’d been warned not to venture into the maze, for that was exactly what it was ; endless winding paths that lead to nowhere, stalks of brownish green smothering, suffocating, crowding his vision from every angle.

he can’t recall why he’d gone into the cornfield, which strikes him as laughable, given how the experience has stuck with him so violently. considering the split in his lip that pulsed with every quiver & the burning against his knees, coupled with the bruise he could feel his jaw nursing, he thought he might have been running away from some of the older boys who picked exclusively on easy prey. but he doesn’t remember running into the field ; it was like shifting from dream to dream. you aren’t there, & then you are. simple enough. & certainly, there he was, & he only realized that he was completely & utterly lost when it was too late.

the memory sours him every time he thinks of it, which is often. he’d been miserably pathetic, a sniveling little creature, with his voice breaking as it shrieked into late afternoon. he had been calling for his parents. ‘ mom, dad, ’ he’d croaked like that would make any difference, ‘ someone, please ! h - help me ! ’ snot trailed down his face & his tears muddied his vision, though not that there was much to see. it was the same for miles. he could recall running, pushing the stalks out of his way, occasionally breaking the plant against his bare palm. he doesn’t remember if it split his skin, or if he imagined it. he’d always had an overactive imagination. for better, or for worse. as he ran, loosened corn that should have been plucked weeks ago descended on him, nailing his shoulders or the sides of his head.

eventually, he gave up. he’d stopped crying, though he didn’t know if that was because he realized it was no use, or because he’d simply run out of tears to shed. perhaps both. he found a clearing that was large enough to settle his body, exhausted by this point & run down, hot despite the afternoon fading into the early night & the temperature dropping a handful of degrees. every now & again, he’d still call out for his parents, but his voice was considerably weaker. after an indeterminate amount of time, it was his mother who found him. his relief upon seeing her was short lived once her face, twisted with an anger he hadn’t seen in a long time, leveled him. it wasn’t the type of parental frustration that festers out of fear for their child’s safety ; at least, it didn’t feel that way. or, it didn’t feel the way he imagined it was supposed to feel. it was just red hot. scorned. he had been disobedient, & how dare he when he knew they needed help on the farm ? what was he doing playing out here when his parents needed him ? & that was so like him, wasn’t it ? to shirk on his responsibilities for his own selfish enjoyment.

maybe it’s for the best that he can’t remember exactly what his mother said when she found him. he thinks that he still has disjointed fragments : your father & i were busy all day. what if we never stopped to look for you ? well, yes, he’s inside. manual labor isn’t easy. you’d know that if you ever tried it. get up. stop crying, you’re a mess. you’re lucky i don’t make you try & find your own way home.

vulnerability is a weakness. it’s easier to mask pain or discomfort with jokes. if he’s the first to lash out, the brunt won’t fall on him. he doesn’t care what anyone else thinks of him, anyway. & corn is stupid.

[fvnnythiings]

what if i just projected & made j.ax chronically ill & immunocompromised would that be cringe or

[fvnnythiings]

Good day to be a gay Jax truther

[fvnnythiings]

to be fair to ragatha, that does nearly stop jax in his tracks. he wasn't really expecting her to actually agree with him over anything, let alone on her behavior. & just below his ribcage, tucked away in a place he thought was no longer reachable — was that . . . guilt ? sympathy ? something else he couldn't quite place ? he shakes it off & tries not to think about it.

❝ well, lucky for you, i'm not someone who hates to say i told you so. i definitely told you so. ❞ his words maintain most of their teasing edge, even if there's a wobble to them. there's a stirring in his chest that flutters all the way down to his stomach. it's tugging at him ; pulling him forward, towards some level of truth. something that, maybe, isn't shrouded in humor & dismissal.

❝ it's not just the niceness, y'know. ❞ jax can feel himself getting dangerously close to something real, & it feels not unlike leaning over the edge of a very high cliff.

❝ you try to be the glue that keeps the family together, right ? well, that's stupid. & it's stupid to pretend that you're fine all the time when you're not. look around, dollface ! none of us are fine. it gets exhausting watching you try to be everyone's mediator or mom. just because yours was the worst, doesn't mean you have to try to mother all of us. so maybe it's not the niceness that gets you nowhere, toots. it's how fake it is. there's a jerk under all of that stuffing, just waiting to get out. & everyone can see it. ❞

@fvnnythiings II x

"You really are the worst jax." She was barely taking in what he was saying in response but what she did hear was the same old same old. Him being a jerk. An ass really but she couldn't say that without getting bleeped. Atleast she could think it. "You really think I'm jealous? I'm not that childish. She doesn't have to like me. I just think it's unfair you know? I try so hard to keep things together for us and it's like the nicer I am the more people want nothing to do with me. So what's even the point? Maybe you're right. Being nice gets you nowhere."

[fvnnythiings]

[fvnnythiings]

jax everytime evil jax speaks btw :

[fvnnythiings]

jax w/ a lil tooth gap btw >>>>>>

[fvnnythiings]

@shining-stxrs said ; “Leave me alone jax. I’m not in the mood.”

unprompted . || always accepting !

❝ awww, what’s the matter, rags ? you’re not still sour over those last adventures, are ya ? gotta say, if anyone should be in a bad mood, it should be me. ❞ what once was an enlarged grin lined with mischief & glee begins to wobble at the edges, taking on a look that borders on dangerous.

❝ were you the one put in a maid dress against your will ? lemme think . . . oh ! no, that was me. oh, wait — you were forced to be vegan, right ? wait, no. that was also me. ❞ an angry cloud comes over his face, drawing his brows down low & tilting his smile at the corners, but he shakes it away. mostly.

❝ don’t tell me you’re jealous over me & the jester getting along ! you think i’m gonna warp her mind or something ? or can you just not stand her liking me more than you ? ❞

[fvnnythiings]

he’s been in his room for hours, now. or has it been an entire day, already ? it could’ve easily been 24 hours, or even more. he couldn’t be completely certain how long, exactly. he wasn’t completely certain about anything, anymore. it’s simultaneously felt like forever, & like no time has truly passed.

jax reasons that it couldn’t have been too many days that he’s spent, distantly feeling sorry for himself & staring at nothing. ugh, even the voice in his head is beginning to sound whiny & miserable. it makes him want to gag. gross. when did he let himself get so soft ? he swallows a shudder. regardless, it couldn’t have been too long that he’s stayed in his room. caine wouldn’t have let too much time slip by without unceremoniously thrusting him into another adventure. not that the others would mind him staying back ; if anything, his absence is probably preferred.

he doesn’t like how that stings his chest, just beneath his ribs. he knows it’s better if they don’t care. it’ll hurt less. & that’s fine, because he doesn’t care, either. he’s been burned before. he won’t go through that again. he won’t.

& even though the ache in his leg muscles & the pain in his lower back are nothing more than a program, they are still enough to make him groan & rise from the bed. if he doesn’t do it now, caine might do it for him. he appreciates the little bit of autonomy he still has.

when he swings open his bedroom door, he isn’t wearing his usual mask of bravado & mischief. he wasn’t expecting to have to see anyone just yet — let alone to have someone standing right outside his door. his face twists without his permission.

❝ uh . . . what are you doing here ? ❞

[fvnnythiings]

@blackstardiopside said ; “they  warned  me  about  you.”

meme . || accepting !

eyes slink rather than slide in the others direction. jax barks a laugh, something between a cackle & a cough, its edges sharp & dripping with ugly amusement.

❝ oh, yeah ? & who are you gonna believe -- a bunch of bozos who don't know how to have fun, or a guy who is just tryin' to have a good time & not take life so seriously ? ❞ his hands fold on his hips, grin stretching wide.

❝ better yet ; are you gonna think for yourself, or follow the crowd, shortstuff ? ❞

[fvnnythiings]

🌟

[fvnnythiings]

Reblog this and make a post with only  🌟  so that your friends, mutuals and followers can comment on for positive feedback. May it be about your muse, the mun, your writing or whatever else — sometimes, all we need is some kindness and positivity!

[fvnnythiings]

@digitallyhallucinating said ; ❛ i thought you’d like some company. ❜

meme . || accepting !

the voice startles him, though not so much out of fear as it was surprise -- surprise, because, if he allowed himself any ounce of honesty, he would admit that he would like some company. could he let her know the truth, however ? just the idea sends a sickening shiver down his spine, like bile on his tongue would be easier to swallow.

he doesn't look at pomni as she approaches in case his expression gives him away, & he focuses instead on the digitized distance ahead. the grounds were dark & quiet, or as dark & quiet as they could be with the ever present artificial lighting coming from seemingly nowhere, as AI lightning bugs flicker in & out of sight ; a saturated rendering of nightfall. fake, fake, fake. it was all fake. jax could relate.

❝ sure, whatever. ❞ he neither confirms nor denies her assumption. one shoulder raises in a shrug noncommittally. this moment, just briefly, brings him back. once upon a time, he had spent endless nights with one of the only cast members he had dared to truly call a friend. & look what that got him. he coughs into a gloved fist to move the lump threatening to clog his throat.

when he speaks to pomni again, he still doesn't turn to look at her. ❝ those were some adventures, huh ? i still think president pomni was pretty funny, even if you completely cracked under the pressure. ❞ his words, even teasing, are lighter than he intends. softer. more genuine.

he leans back on his hands so he can get a better look at the vast expanse of digital stars in the sky. ❝ uh. thanks, by the way. i guess. for . . . listening. just. in general. ❞ he braces, already feeling humiliation climb up his stomach & into his cheeks as he speaks.

[fvnnythiings]

@maniques

your existence is an issue.

[fvnnythiings]

& he cackles, because watching gangle try to fix her broken mask ( again ! ) was truly like watching an exercise in futility. hasn’t she learned already that it never works ? bullying her was just too easy — he couldn’t see the issue when the target was as obvious as she was. should an archer be asked not to hit an incredibly large bullseye ? would anyone ask a painter not to recreate a beautiful landscape ? gangle was prime picking. if anyone should be blamed, it should really be her, in jax’s humble opinion.

❝ hey, ribbons ; isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over & over again, thinking you’ll get a different outcome ? looks to me like you’re losin’ it. ❞ with a quick swipe, jax grabs at one of the broken fragments of her comedy mask & twirls it effortlessly.

❝ y’know, you make it too easy sometimes. it’s almost not fun anymore. ❞ his grin stretches, if only a tad. ❝ almost. it’s funny — i really do like you better when you’re sad. ❞

Gangle Starter call ;; @fvnnythiings

There she was, holding those pieces of comedy mask again, tears seeming to roll down her masked face as Gangle looked at the two pieces like her world was slightly shattered even more again. Why did he always do this? Why was Gangle the center of Jax's torment, she hated it, not wanting to do this anymore.

Gangle would look up from the broken mask, looking right at Jax, not saying a word as she turned away, trying to get the two pieces back together but it wouldn't work, it never worked...

[fvnnythiings]

@maniques said ; ❛ you’re not as bad as everyone says you are. ❜ / from Evil Jax <3

meme . || accepting !

❝ whuh — is that supposed to be a compliment ?? because it’s not ; especially from you ! ❞ shoulders hitch up nearly to his ears, the usual casual stoicism forgotten. as good as buried, as good as dead. much like this guy should be. jax wasn’t sure if he’s seen anyone so pitiful : & he was supposed to be a . . . version of HIM ? caine has pulled a lot of dirty tricks ( some more admirable than others ), but this one boiled his blood until steam could practically roll out of his head.

❝ i actually like to think i’m worse than what people say, & you’re about to find out. i think it’s time we put these digital bodies to the test. see how much they can stand before losing it. ❞ he huffs, then, because he knows what he’s going to say before the words even fall, & he can’t explain why.

❝ what even is your DEAL, anyway ? all you do is - is just stand around & whine like some pathetic . . . ❞ he waves his hands in circles like that would make the right word come to him. ❝ dweeb ! it’s embarrassing to even share a name with you. ❞