fyeahzack

[fyeahzack]

if u donuts wanna start shipping new star wars characters then be my fucking guest but mama din’t raise no fool. im waitin til i know who related to who so i don’t have to spend the next ten years in the shower praying for forgiveness. fool me once, george lucas.

[fyeahzack]

yo what are you always so stressed about?

me:

[fyeahzack]

Ladies, I am holding out my hand. Do you trust me?

I need you to open Google Maps. Locate your nearest mall. Get in your car. Drive to Yankee Candle.

Past the seasonal pumpkin display, near the back of the store, you will find a trash pile Man Candle section. You will see candles called MMM, Bacon!. Riding Mower. Man Town. (I’m not kidding. Man Town.) Stay strong. Not in this section, but likely very near this section, you will find a candle called Mountain Lodge.

Hold this jar in your hands like a talisman. Close your eyes and picture a man.

I want to be clear: I’m not talking about a Hugh Dancy. Or an Andrew Garfield, a Ben Whishaw, even a Tom Hiddleston. This exercise requires someone in the Chris Evans weight class. The Richard Armitage department. Someone with smile lines around his eyes who could chop the cedar for your bower with his own hands, strangle an alpha wolf, carry you home when you sprain your ankle in the woods, bench press your entire body. Picture this man in your mountain home with a full beard, a slightly grimy white henley, a fond half smile he reserves only for you. Now open the lid and smell Mountain Lodge.

Steady yourself on the man candle display. Give yourself a second. No, you’re not wrong. Yes, the Yankee Candle Company has just eliminated the need for men. This medium tumbler Mountain Lodge candle jar is now your boyfriend. The Yankee Candle Company has effectively replaced the need for contact with the male half of our species with a compact and clean-burning candle in a jar.

“Do you like this one?” the cashier asked, ringing me up. “Every man should be required by law to smell like what this candle smells like,” I replied intensely. “That’ll be $12.01,” she said.

MOUNTAIN LODGE

[fyeahzack]

Arabian Little Red Riding Hood with a red hijab

A Japanese Snow White with her coveted pale skin and shiny black hair

Mexican Cinderella with colorful Mexican glass blown slippers

Greek Beauty and the Beast where Beast is a minotaur

Culture-bent fairy tales that keep key canonical characteristics

[fyeahzack]

when you have a problematic fave

[fyeahzack]

Your body is an incredibly bizarre machine.

“What you see is a myosin protein dragging an endorphin along a filament to the inner part of the brain’s parietal cortex which creates happiness. Happiness. You’re looking at happiness.”

[fyeahzack]

PUT YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME IN THE TAGS 🎃👻

[fyeahzack]

Gay Halloween Drinking Game

1 shot for every costume that’s basically a pair of shorts

1 beer chug for every bearded guy dressed as a lumberjack

1 fruity drink sip for every guy trying drag “for the first and only time”

1 shot of whiskey for every childhood/Disney character ruined

1 gulp of water for the one guy who actually wore a costume

1 long chug for a group of Avengers. Finish your drink if it’s the full set.

1 shot of Fireball (hurts so good) for anyone basically wearing their Leather or gear and calling it a costume. 

Splash your drink on the bastard who didn’t wear a costume. 

Hoard your drink for every crowded local hangout you have to suffer through.

One judgmental sip for the group of loud straight girls at your bar.

Two shots of Viniq for the twink covered in body glitter.

1 button that has 911 and/or Uber on your speed dial 

[fyeahzack]

But you can't be allergic to AC???

Fuck off and eat elsewhere….

[fyeahzack]

yeah so i got my hair done today

[fyeahzack]

“our teeth and ambitions are bared” is a zeugma

and it’s a zeugma where one of the words is literal and one is metaphorical which is the BEST KIND

[fyeahzack]

This annoys me.

Makes me want to watch even more.

Nah, suck my dick. 

[fyeahzack]

im not petty and i dont see the point in holding a grudge. Anyway would you like to come into my cellar and taste a fine vintage

[fyeahzack]

by It’s the Tie

[fyeahzack]

Current Mood: Coco Peru saying “that bothers me”.

[fyeahzack]

this is true love y’all (x) | follow @the-movemnt

[fyeahzack]

Tips That Can Save Your Kid’s Life.