fzhrrr - Tumblr blog

[fzhrrr]

What nobody tells you

There is a great sadness that comes with mothering. I feel like I have given my absolute best, but I look around just to find a frustrated toddler, a house so unkempt with endless chores there is no peace in it anymore,a hungry baby crying for milk and attention; in standstill I look at myself and I have no energy or desire to give anymore- I had nothing left in me.

So off you go and cry all you want, let us live in a dusty home with unfolded laundry. There is no end to mothering. I dont know how my mother did this till her last breath. How do you love when you are not even yourself.

I withdraw to a corner and started sobbing. Because I thought this is what i want, and this is what I chose. But I’m so depleted and worn out, I almost wish I didnt. I have given everything and yet everybody is unhappy, and it felt very disheartening. I was sad. I am sad. But there is no other road but to keep going, even sadly.

[fzhrrr]

Work updates

I work an 8-5 job now, for the first time ever in my life.

No oncalls, no nasty early morning rounds, no patients bugging you to be discharged early. It is a decent 8-5 job, normal, human hours.

After finishing housemanship, A and I were pretty set on pursuing emergency. We spent half a year in that department and was getting pretty confident at it. The hours weren’t so bad, the environment was not toxic, so emergency it is. If that didnt work out, second on the list is paeds. But then if we couldn’t get our main choices, we don’t see a point in sacrificing our time and soul into something we’d be half heartedly invested in.

So that’s where the kinder options came in. I scrolled through the list of departments we can apply for and saw the word nuclear medicine. Heard of it once during med school, second was when i bumped into a nuclear med guy who was too happy and healthy I actually asked where he came from. Clinical people don’t look like that- happy, contented, fresh.

In life I’ve learnt that we can only plan so much, and afterwards we just have to let God. So when i actually got into nuclear med instead of ED, i was surprised to feel a lightness in my chest. Something in me really thought I wanted ED, but also inside, my heart was at peace when i got nuclear med.

So Alhamdulillah for that. But mind you this job comes with challenges on its own. To put it simply, nuclear medicine is the department that does all your fancy scans that involve a nuclear radiopharmaceutical. We got technetium-99, bind it with something that goes to something, and then our camera can capture where those things go, and we interpret the image. To name a few, bone scans, your heart stress test, renal dtpa and mag 3, radio- iodine ablation. As a houseman, the most familiar you can be with this is sending a request form for it.

“OMG banyaknya cancer dia!”

“That is physiological tracer uptake with gi and urinary clearance, faizah.”

*image from google. script from real life experience.

** SOBS IN RADIOISOTOPE T.T

That, is how familiar I am with this new thing, literally sending a form for it. So I am now an MO, who has no idea in this new department, and everything throughout the hellish 2 years of housemanship, makes very little sense here. Basically I’m starting from scratch all over again. This new beginning is humbling, though radioactive, it is the least toxic place I’ve been to. People here are kind, haven’t met a single bad one yet. It’s new, it will take some getting used to, but it is worth a shot.

The other day on our 2 hour car ride home, A and I talked about how this balance we newly gathered in our life, felt odd. It didn't felt as satisfying as coming back from an ED shift; you didn't bring a dead guy back to life, there was no mystery that you’ve uncovered, you didn't solve a tricky diagnosis, you are just- scanning.

But then we concluded that we humans are always ungrateful. Back when we were practically walking zombies 2 months back from a hefty shift, all we wanted is what we have today. And now that you got what you were asking for, you missed the old life you had.

- we went for a little sight seeing during our lunch break. Like omg, did i even say that right, lunch break. lol.

[fzhrrr]

Fate and destiny.

i’ve recently started praying for my small family to stay together. Well to be exact, a week ago -since the relocation result came out and A and I were destined for Johor. I got so scared and anxious I couldnt even sleep at night. What if we got sent to different ends of the state? There is no way in the world I could manage Mikael alone. More so with no mama and mak cik to take care of him. OMG who would i even leave him with during my night shift and long hours.

*I just realised I’ve never mentioned Mikael on this blog. Long story short we got married, i got knocked up 2 months after, and it’s me, Asyraf and 9 month old Mikael now.

So we re-applied for KL, and Alhamdulillah we both got it. We can stay in this rent free house, Mikael would still have mak cik to take care of him, Mama would just be around the corner, it all works perfectly!

Which then brought me to the epiphany of how magnificent and all loving God is. Because despite me praying for this a week ago, Allah had granted my prayers way before i even thought of them.

Two years back when A and I were applying for housemanship, something went wrong with A’s application which resorted to him starting 2 months later than me. I was pissed. I was so upset. Because i felt like he was taking things lightly, he is not taking his life, his relationship, seriously. But that mistake was what compensate for my maternity leave, for the whole covid thing, which in the end brought us to the finish line together.

That mistake wasn’t a mistake at all. Whatever happens in life is all fate and destiny, in the grand scheme of the Almighty.

Am i nervous for this new life- very. Its the main hospital in the whole country and I’m bound to feel a little shaken by this new chapter.

But I’ve learnt that even if its not the department that i wanted, if its sticky jobs left and right, if its 2 hours of traffic every day, I must redha. Because even if I dont feel like it is best for me, i need to trust that God knows it is.

So alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Together, and thats all that matters.

[fzhrrr]

My mind isnt in a good place lately.

I saw pictures of people from my past in social media. For reasons i can no longer remember, ive unfollowed them for years now. They might have caused me great pain in the past, and at some point in life i see no value in trying to carry the emotional baggage it gives me, and decided to let go and move on.

Life resume as usual for both parties. I'm married now, blessed with a son, completed housemanship, practically where ever i thought id be, i am there.

But as soon as i saw this person, my day dropped to a solemn. Just from a single picture, i was reminded to a past so dark and ugly, i was shaken to the core.

They once matter. I remember at some point in life, a part of my heart really did care and love these people wholeheartedly, and i guess you can never really move on from that.

[fzhrrr]

gold.

[fzhrrr]

This is everything. I love you so much.

[fzhrrr]

Wedding stories

Ive been wanting to write about my wedding since, like 3 months ago. Somehow it got postponed every single day coz there’s always things to do. Life after marriage sometimes mean splitting yourself in 3 different directions. Your off days arent just yours anymore. That one off day per week that i got also belongs to myself, my husband, my family, his family, my dirty laundry, my books, my skin and i guess you can pretty much guess where along that list does my blog goes down.

Anyway, wedding stories. Disclaimer, rather than a dreamy- fantasize version of romantic fairy tale, my wedding is far far away from that.

Just last week, we had our sanding ceremony on A’s side. I was surprised that it was probably my favourite (most bearable) out of all three receptions. 

I think the reason being is that we learned a lot of no-no’s from the previous majlis. This time around we decided to wear a traditional ensemble, something loose, not too heavy and just comfortable to be in on a hot day. And i especially love how the pictures turned out. Honestly a teeny tiny piece of super malayness in me kinda dreamed of having this picture. Two pengantin on a simple pelamin, in a songket outfit, headpiece and all. Its the kind of picture you’d hang on your wall and hope to one day proudly show your grandkids. (and they’d probably laugh on how out of fashion we were)

But yeah, it was nice. In Muar I did my own make up, and was so happy with how it turned out. We blew 800 ringgit on make up alone during the akad and majlis in cheras and i was so cranky because it was so horrible. The one during akad wasnt so bad (it was how people deemed make up pengantin should be, but my eyes were heavy and i look jahat in all the pics), but the night time do was just, unbelievable. I was in such a bad mood the only reason i got out of the house was because it was too late, and we cant keep the guests waiting. 

I paid titi athirah, an old schoolmate to do my makeup and she so claimed it was at a discounted price. Didnt want to be so fussy coz apparently 800 is “cheap” for two ceremonies. I said i wanted just a basic look with deep red lips, she then insist on putting lighter foundation to make me look lighter coz its night time, then she had the audacity to put cheap glittters on my eyes and these tacky red gloss on my lips.

Pictured- annoyed me knowing she messed up, and knowing we ran out of time to fix things. Thick brows, tacky lips, orange skin,I look like a russian pornstar- and not the expensive kind.

I spend the whole evening feeling so ugly and embarassed. Yes, thats the exact words. In every picture my face was either grey from the wrong foundation shade or just sour, because i knew i look bad. I dont feel like myself, i was a horrible bride and A had to calm me down through out. I confronted this to titi, and she said to make it up, why dont she do one more service for free. That offer is just pure garbage coz dude, the damage is done and there’s no undo button to reset your wedding day. It is what it is.

I was so uncomfortable that i wasnt fully able to appreciate those who came to my wedding. I was reluctant to say hi, i dont wanna meet people, i just wanted it to end quickly. The crankiness outweighed my happiness of actually seeing friends and family who came to celebrate with us. 

So this was one of the biggest lessons and tips to all brides: on your wedding day you only have one job- to be pretty and pleasant. And the only way for that to happen you need to be comfortable. 

In Muar, there was some miscommunications which in the end lead me to doing my own make up. Oh people were just hogging around me- your eyes are so plain, your lipstick is too pale, your foundation is too dark, your base arent thick enough we can see your pores and human skin imperfections! The comments were so crude up to a point where i stood up for myself and said, can everyone just let me do my make up they way i want it. Because i feel like people can be so disrespectful when they want you to conform to their standard of beauty, without them realising it (cause hey, its only right for them to criticize and diminish the bride self worth on her wedding day)

I aint gonna be homeless-looking-russian pornstar 2.0.

And im glad i stood up for myself.

True, my make up wasnt perfect. Brows were crooked, there were shiny patch of oily skin all over my face. But A said i look nice and comfortable (like my usual make up do), and that was all that mattered. I was happy and glowing and excited to be bride of the day. And it obviously made me happier coz my man knows what i like best for me.

The kampung majlis was lively. Kompang and berarak and that whole shenanigan. Food was good and i ate like theres no tomorrow. The only problem was we didnt know how to pengantin, so after the formal meal we sort of just sat inside and mind our own business. We didnt invite our friends, and we knew <1% of the guests. A has always been the quiet guy and i was definitely not gonna muster up all my strength and bravado to go table to table and greet people. Took a few pictures with my family, pretended to drink water a few times and we went for an outdoor photoshoot with my brother. We really didnt know what to do.

The sun was scorching hot and we just wanted an out from the awkwardness of facing humans. You are the main star of a show people half heartedly come to see on your post postcall day. If there’s one principal i live by, its that you are an adult who can make your own good and bad decisions. You dont have to stay in awkward moments, you are allowed to make selfish choices. 

And we chose an outdoor photoshoot at 3pm. Here’s us, barely able to open our eyes, in a picture where there’s more semak than sweetness. (but at least we got out of the awkward pengantin situation)

Kudos to idi, because this time we didnt have to pay the photgrapher thousands of ringgit for a few good shots.

I feel like this post is getting too long, and i ran out of energy to continue typing. Point is, pae’s married now. Wedding both sides are done so if the stress can go away and let my period cycle, skin condition and blood pressure return to normal that would be nice.

Do take note that being married is magical. And a life filled with love is unimaginably more beautiful than anything you can imagine. My rant is about the wedding, the wifing part i do enjoy bery bery much.

Here’s some random wedding shots for keepsake. enjoy:)

[fzhrrr]

pergi

Jika dia pergi dulu,

Dia akan terus hidup dalam cerita-cerita aku.

Akan disampaikan berulang- ulang kali,

tentang lembutnya seorang kekasih.

Bayu senja yang menyapa,

Langit biru terang,

Dia adalah semua yang nyaman dan tenang,

Jika aku pergi dulu,

aku sering membayangkan dia mati.

Sepi, dimakan sunyi.

Hanyut, ditelan memori.

Hilang, terbawa mimpi.

Diam-

dan jiwanya mati dibunuh rindu.

***

I wrote this on a quiet night, close to our 2nd anniversary. We’ve been through great losses this past two years, and the reality of one day having to live without the other struck me hard, and it got me super emotional every single time. After being invested in a relationship, you no longer imagine what life would be with him, but how you’re gonna go through one without his presence.

I was just the blazing sun, A. Till you swoop on with heavy clouds, and painted rainbows in my skies.

I really do love you very much, thank you for an amazing almost 2 years.

[fzhrrr]

I’m glad he died

There are blessings in everything that happens in our life.

I still remember the night i got the phone call. I was in my room, studying for finals. Headphones on, listening to music, it was midnight. Suddenly along called to inform dad is on cpr, if he doesnt revived in 10 minutes, they’re going to stop and call time of death.

My heart stopped.

In that moment i knew he wouldnt make it, and my jerk reflex was to arrange for transport home, to say my last goodbye. True enough, Aboh passed away at 12.15am. On my bus ride home, it was the darkest night i’ve seen in my life.

I arrived to his lifeless body wrapped and placed in the middle of the living room. People surrounded him to recite yaasin and pay their last respect. I had spent so many years imagining something bad would happen to my family when I was in Dublin, and i wouldnt be able to get back in time. It broke my heart to know I was in Penang, and still wasnt able to be beside him on his last breath.

My voice shattered as i sat down and recited the first verse of yaasin in front of him. The surah suddenly has a completely different meaning in that context, but it was the only thing i could do to compose myself, in the hopes what flickers of deeds from my recitations will pass onto him.

After the solat jenazah, Aboh was safely buried by noon.

When we returned, our house was full of people, yet there was this emptiness that cant be filled by the volumes of guests that kept pouring in. The air was different, the wind, the sounds- everything. 

The man who had worked his whole life to pay and provide shelter to his family, the main soul of the place we called home is no longer there. These bricks cemented together are just walls now, slowly fading in colour. Aboh’s absence is greatly felt by everyone.

Even until today.

Losing a loved one is never easy. In the beginning, i would cry out of no where, thoughts of him would just crossed my mind out of absolutely anything. The magnum ice cream he buys for me when he go out to get his cigarette, the random beautiful quotes he used to share, that uncle by the street with the same collared shirt and grey hair, aboh is everywhere.

It was up to a point where i cant function, and slowly i had to tell myself to let go. Because death, is both inevitable and irreversible, there is nothing else you can do but learn to live with absence. Bit by bit, i try not to think about him so much. I dont like the fact that im missing him less, but i do require myself to stand up on my two feet and move on. 

There will be days when i think about him and allow myself to mourn his passing. Aboh was a great soul- smart, passionate, romantic, invincible. Every success and confidence i had in me, is thanks to his fire that runs in my veins. 

When i look back, memories of Aboh that i hold dear are all good. His passing was smooth, he was not in pain, he didnt became a vegetable and burden people around him before he went away. Aboh was still aboh. The last time i saw him, the last phone call we had- he was the same man that had raised me up my whole life, and made me who i am today.

I thank Allah that the memories of Aboh He left me with is still this picture of a great man. His diabetes didnt take his foot, he did not get a stroke, he didnt die a cripple. He went away as a great man, and i consider that a blessing to hold on for the rest of my life.

Al- Fatihah to aboh. My forever dad and first love.

-sesungguhnya, cahaya subuh hanya akan datang, selepas gelap malam yang paling pekat

[fzhrrr]

Mom said my skin has never been clearer. Ive had bad break outs since she can remember, and it got worse in my previous jobs because of the stress. She said maybe i actually like this job that i hate so much. All those complaints are superficial, and deep down my mind and body is actually accepting the entirety of being a doctor. Go figure.

[fzhrrr]

Faizah Ramle, April 2018.

[fzhrrr]

Swatch me

When i was 15, i asked aboh for a swatch. Back then it was the it thing, and i thought all the designs were really nice.

We went to midvalley to get me one, but sadly aboh couldnt find the way in. I remembered we went round and round and after a while he got fed up and turned the car home.

I thought id never get the watch, but surprisingly he gave me the money to get it myself in jb. Rm220 to be exact, and it was this winter edition swatch, translucent white with blue butterflies and a diamond placed perfectly at 9 oclock. I fell in love with it at first sight.

It was my most favourite watch, ever.

I think 2 years after that, just after i finished spm, I accidentally left the watch in a surau. The moment i came back to look for it, it was no longer there.

I suddenly recalled this memory coz a few months back, another swatch gave me that love at first sight feeling. It came in the mail today, bought it for myself with my first salary as a doctor.

This story may have no relevance at all, to you. But somehow when i wore it, theres a sense of pride. If aboh was around, id show it off to him, saying i no longer need anyone else to get me a pretty watch, now that i can afford it myself. He'll laugh, but i bet he'd be proud.

In ways more than i can appreciate, i realise God is taking care of me pretty nicely. Aboh's must've prayed his girl will get a life full of what she wanted, and she kinda did.

Now look at this, and isnt she beauty.

[fzhrrr]

I really wish that this would work out into a forever thing. 

[fzhrrr]

How low can you go?

Before i even began penning this down, i was in bed having palpitations over the fact that 

1.I couldnt find my logbook

2.I have work tomorrow.

I was rereading my entry prior to this post, and I am disgusted with how optimistic, cheerful and passionate i sound. Truth is I am none of those things anymore. Looking back, I am a completely different person since 2 weeks ago. 

Work has been so consuming. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. The minute i open my eyes, all i could think about is how bad im gonna be today, how many times will i get scolded, how many cases i wouldnt know and stutter during presentations, to simply paint the whole picture HOW SEVERELY WOULD I SCREW UP FOR THE DAY.

I kid you not, o&g is tough game. Choosing this as my first posting wasnt the wisest decision ive ever made. It gets disheartening at times (most of the times). Two weeks in and i can already see my non existent future in this path. Too much bad vibes for my sanity that is.

But I guess maybe its just me. If its that bad, how on earth would you still have people pursuing this career. Im teaching myself perseverance, tho i live my life hating almost everyday and every second of it.

Kinda need to restructure my expectations and thoughts in this job.

[fzhrrr]

Self love and pride

Been meaning to write this down since  a while ago. Plenty has happened in the past few months. After i quit teaching (i wanted to kill too many people), I got a job at uniqlo and then a few months after, got an email for our placement and I manage to get my first choice, which is HUKM. #stoked

Currently, my life is on fire. Come to think of it, this is exactly how I imagined what I’d become at 25. I have a medical degree with no student loans, a loving and understanding partner, body bmi within normal range, a few friends i can count on, three beautiful niece and nephews with 1 more on its way, and I am still the confident and powerful person I’ve groomed myself to be; and I am LOVING IT.

This is a post about self love, and how proud I am of myself.

I was in Perimbun looking for people to certify my documents when I was offered a teaching job. Once i got tired of that, I asked for a job in Uniqlo and nailed that one too. The guy who hired me said he saw potential the minute I walked in. While I was in Uniqlo, one customer actually offered me a sales job to work with him, and it was BMW. People will ask if i have a degree, have i ever went abroad before and actually look for me before they go out to say thank you. 

What I am proud of is the fact that people see that in me. Just from the way I communicate and carry myself, they know I am no regular girl who choose to work in retail, or some college grad who has decided teaching would be convenient in her life. No. From a 2 line conversation, or just by helping a customer choose which jeans fit them better, they see that this girl has something bigger in her.

I couldn’t be happier when that happens, because in that moment, I realised I have made it in life. I exude strong, independent, successful woman. I’m smart, and not one you can easily mess with. I have patience, yet feisty enough to realise when not to take in bullshit. I stand for myself and have a clear goal of what I want to be in life.

I break ties with negative people, or those who think they got it better figured out than me. People will either build or break you, and honestly its just sad and pathetic to see and hear those who tries to bring you down. Because they don’t notice you don’t wanna be them or anything like them.  Gone are the days when I live to please people. This life is meant for me, to grow, learn and bloom into the best version of myself.

And I am proud of where I am in life right now.

[fzhrrr]

There are nights, random nights, when my heart can just explode out of love for you.

11/11/2017, is one of them.

[fzhrrr]

Turning 24.

Surat ini buat Farah Natasha, Si kecil yang berjiwa besar, dan amat aku kasihi.

Selamat yang ke-24, kesayanganku. I sit in front of my laptop thinking what to say to you. I opened words, and I just started typing. I am in India right now, Kak Yam is sleeping, theres two other people in the bedroom, and I am alone in the living area, with my thoughts on you.

And on your 24th bday Farah Natasha, let me tell you about my day.

Harini seperti hari2 yang lain. Ive finished my elective, and I woke up late coz I don’t have to pray. Went to the bathroom and cleaned up, put the kettle on boil while I cleaned the kitchen. Sat down and eat breakfast, before I got a text.

“Faizah, malam ni akak ajak orang datang makan2, awak tolong masak nasi butter dengan acar boleh?” it reads. To which I replied of course can, no problemo.

A few people came just now, we ate, we talked, we laughed and in the end there was a small sharing session. Normal things, nothing so out of the ordinary, it was a day I spent cooking for people, talking with people, spending time listening to stories and exchanging banters, and when they all left, both kak yam and I had a headache. We turned off all the lights and went to bed for an hour, after which someone came knocking on the door coz they wanted to sleep over.

My point is Farah Natasha, I actually had a good day. Nothing was making me sad, I had a good time at the small gathering just now, and friends came over to eat the food I cooked to so called celebrate my birthday. And I am fine with that. These are all blessings in my life.

And this is something that I learned in India, to appreciate my blessings.

When I planned on coming here 8 months ago, I was at a low point in my life. Everything was so tasteless; I just wanna pack my bags, travel somewhere far and foreign where no one knows me and start fresh. I feel like I wanna leave for a long time because at that point when the decision was made, you believe me when I say I had nothing to appreciate in life. Nothing worthy, no one to love, nothing precious to leave behind. At that point in time, my life seems worthless.

Aku doa, kalau betul ini baik untuk aku, maka berikanlah. Kalau tak dapat, aku redha. And I did, and sure enough the almighty has big things set for me.

Seminggu sebelum aku ke india, I met a guy. Kau sendiri tahu betapa ranap dan hancur nya aku berkali kali kerana jatuh cinta pada yang salah. Kali ini aku berhati2, sebelum apa2 aku dah kata, dia tak mungkin akan stay lama. Because based on my experience, they leave. They all leave. Bila aku ke India dia tak pergi. Dalam sunyi dan sepi aku di sini dia ada. Terpisah dek jarak dan tanpa boleh aku berikan dia apa2, he stayed. And it didn’t take long before we both realised yang eh, ini suka sama suka?

Kalau kau tak tahu, aku dah lama termakan sunyi aku. Sampai bangun malam aku bersujud pada Tuhan, mohon dikurniakan seorang yang mampu menyayangi aku, dan mengizinkan aku untuk menyayangi kembali. Aku punya segan nak mintak kat Tuhan, ironically hanya Tuhan yang tahu. Dan dengan murah hatinya, sekarang aku diberikan nikmat cinta.

Buat masa ini. Aku tahu tak semua cinta indah segala. Aku tahu yang paling cantik boleh buruk dalam sekelip mata, ya aku tahu.

Tapi sekarang ia bukan itu, sekurang2 nya belum lagi. For the first time in the 24 years of my life, I feel loved, and I am happy.

*berhenti. Kau call dan nangis pasal Derek mati* *coughs, sambung lagi*

Bila aku sampai India, aku rasa begitu disayangi. Aku tak tau nak cakap macam mana, aku ingat aku pergi bawa diri sorang2 tak da yang peduli. But its from usop to Andrew,kevin, high school friends, budak intec, thara, even people yang aku dah lama gila tak contact, so many of them send me good wishes and checked on me to make sure im okay. Something as simple as aku post gambar aku makan chapatti, and then orang Tanya, sedap ke? Dah try kedai ni belum? Dah diarrhoea belum?

“pae, I hope you are okay. Do hit up if you feel like talking to anyone” “pae, send me pictures” “pae, dah jumpa shah rukh khan ke belum?”

Aku tak perasan benda ni dulu. Tapi sekarang aku sedar apa yang kau pernah kata kat aku. Tuhan hold back my love story, because I have a bigger love to share with the world. Disebabkan aku lama gila single as fuck, I realized I have form a strong bond with my friends. Aku update, gossip, and tell them random nonsense. Something yang bila sekarang aku dah ada bf, became so focused to one soul. But thank god the friendships were established first, sebab bila aku dah lupa, diorang still ada. Its not one sided. I am loved, I am appreciated, and it all began with me appreciating those around me first.

Bahagia aku kat India ni lain. Dia bukan tentang mencari siapa yang sudi sayang aku. But its about realizing how I am loved, in so many ways by so many people. Sayang orang bukan hari2 kena jumpa, cakap, nangis. To love and be loved is simply a state of appreciation and not possession. Lepas sebulan duduk india, aku homesick, and homesick is good. Because now aku sedar there are things that I love back at home. Aku rindu yam usop dania, aku rindu afih aboh mama, aku rindu tilam busuk aku, aku rindu mya amar kau. Banyak je yang aku ada selama ni, banyak je orang yang ada keliling aku, yang worthy, yang care, yang aku boleh care.

Tapi itulah manusia, kadang bila ada depan mata tak nampak. Bila jauh baru rasa, ada rupanya.

Kadang dalam dunia, kita terhilang. Dan percayalah itu semua untuk mengajar kau erti syukur. Kesakitan akan membuka mata kau tentang sejenis bahagia yang baru. Ada sejenis bahagia dia bukan diberi siapa2, tapi dia datang dari dalam diri kau.

It took me a long period of being broken, hurt and  feeling lost to understand this lesson in life. To actually get my ass off from where I was standing, and actually seek what and why those pain were sent for me. I am a stronger and better person. Liberated, and happier. My heart feels lighter.

And all this Tasha, will come to you too, soon.

Semoga dalam menjadi setahun lebih tua, it makes you wiser and calmer. Selamat yang ke 24 my sweetheart, I love you.

***

I wrote this letter to Farah Natasha on her last birthday. Came across it in my email and I was in tears reading it. Probably the most honest script i’ve ever written.