g-rai-n

[g-rai-n]

february 10, 2021, 12:35

i finally talked about it with her and i guess its settled na we're taking a break from each other for now until my feelings fade away. ngayon ko lang din narealize while typing na im sad about it bec the fact that i liked her made spending time with her even more enjoyable. the feelings for her made me feel super soft and i enjoyed being that kind of dave. but i know it would eventually turn into deeper feelings and it would just hurt me knowing wala naman talaga dapat mangyari. i guess thats why i did what i had to do.

i know being with her will feel different when the feelings go away. i also know na it'll suck 10x less a few months from now.

this was such a ride kahit sobrang sandali lang. i dont often like people this much so this is definitely something ill remember. baka nga maliit nalang na bagay to someday.

when i hoped things would get better, i didnt expect that it would go like this. but then again, i did. ewan. tangina niyong lahat.

dnehwehws i nehw

[g-rai-n]

february 9, 2021, 4:21

apologies for already failing to write an entry for each day. but the past few days have basically been the same! everyday with chai! its been really really nice for me and im sure for her as well. we’ve been spending lots and lots of nights together in call, just talking about anything and everything. just last night we had like a “pillow talk”-ish and i feel like we became a whole lot closer after that night. we’re just really comfy with each other’s presence. for me, kahit isang month pa lang talaga kami magkakilala, im already super comfy with her (even more pag compared with eunice) and im super thankful for that. as for her, sinabi naman niya na di raw niya alam kung bakit pero she would be willing to actually spend more time with me like through all nighters and such. she does it with all her friends naman but she says its different when its with me which is obviously a big big win. but yes im really glad the feeling of being super super comfy is mutual.

if a different person was reading this journal, you would think na im doing all of this (staying up really late for her kahit sobrang sira na yung sleep sched ko) because i like her. but tbh i sometimes forget about that and i really just have a good time. okay naman talaga ako with just us being friends pero yknow everythings pretty recent and i still like her. a part of me is still hoping na baka idk the next few months she’ll eventually develop feelings for me kasi alam ko naman na she likes (or even loves) being with me. its so bad to have that thought still in my head. but i cant really just tell myself to stop liking her and boom wala na completely. at the same time, i really really really like her. best listener, super open, actually communicates, super super funny, easy to get along, very very smart, and most importantly, very very loving. plus yung natural connection talaga namin. i dont know. she’s supposed to be the bare minimum na of my standards and believe me tinaas na niya talaga yung standards ko. but its really REALLY difficult to just stop liking her kasi literally ANDYAN na siya. still debating with myself. pero for now, ill just continue my days. from time to time naman nagkakaron kami ng bagong mga usapan that helps us become even closer. maybe something will happen. i doubt. and i shouldnt even be hopeful. idk.

things are definitely getting better for me but im still wishing na kung pwede pa, please step it up a notch even more.

[g-rai-n]

february 3, 2021, 3:38

things have been really really rough for her lately and i know its gonna be like this as well for the next few months. the least i could do is to be there for her!!! i know i we just met like a month ago pero we both know that we’re already a big part of each other’s lives. kahit hindi ko naman yan maging jowa, we’d still be great together platonically.

i dont have anything much to say. or at least wala akong maisip bec im actually worried about her.

i really hope things get better for her

[g-rai-n]

february 2, 2021, 12:11am

*types “still wondering if i should carry this on or not”*

*clears text*

since i know that there’s like a 90% chance that things won’t go the way i want them to go, im just gonna let it go. familiar na rin naman tong situation na to: things dont go how i want them to go but i still try to hang on and hope that it would eventually work for me which is very unlikely (especially in romantic situations like this one). ive already made the mistake multiple times and i definitely don’t want to do it again. by how chai explained things, i know for a fact that it’ll probably take her months or even years to recover from what happened and that she’d really be “offline” for a long time. i honestly don’t know whats wrong with me na i still have hope na baka she’ll fall for me eventually in the next few months as we get to know each other even more. even if that happens, it’s already given na she hasn’t fully recovered. in fact, ang selfish pa nga ng plano ko. yeah, i think its a red light talaga for me.

its almost 12:30am and chai’s finishing her acads for the day. i was planning to go to sleep pero biglang “maybe ill try lucian later to unwind” so here i am waiting for her. i was also drawing her nung mga 11pm pero it looked so bad and di niya kamukha so i rage quit after like 30 minutes. after that, i was supposed to go to sleep but ok league time. sobrang weak ko talaga when infatuated i actually hate it. rip to my sleep schedule and health because of my stupid feelings.

i hope things get better real soon

[g-rai-n]

february 1, 2021, 6:15am

we’re now in a familiar position, a position that ive been in before. i wasn’t actually rejected, or i jinxed it, but rather because of certain circumstances which is also no ones fault. i at least got a “maybe i would” when i asked her if she would’ve tried if she wasn’t in the situation she is in now. i would honestly count that as a win. again, its no ones fault anyway so why get more frustrated?

it would be shit and weak of me to leave behind the already great friendship we have  just because of me getting rejected. for the 3rd time, its no ones fault so i shouldnt feel too bad about it. we had this talk around lunchtime and it just led to our typical conversations. it was really nice and im really glad things are back to normal. the rejection is now a meme but a part of me is still wishing that she would get better sooner than expected and maybe... give me a shot...? but i honestly dont expect anything that big to happen. maybe in time ill finally accept things and be contented with it. being friends with chai is already really great for me so things cant be that bad.

its now almost 6:30am. we’re both still in the discord call, chai passed out, me typing this down before i sleep. we just got done talking for like 3 hours in the call, prior to the league games i also had with her and her friends around 11pm. i had fun the entire time.

things are already getting better but i dont want this to be the main thing happening in my life. i dont want to lose my personal life by giving all my energy and time to my romantic endeavors.

i hope things get better

[g-rai-n]

january 31, 2021, 12:21am

i honestly didn’t expect it to end that fast. but i appreciate her being straightforward. i never liked going out of my comfort zone anyway! not in these kinds of things at least. i was never good at anything romantic anyway!

another reason why i dont like reaching out of my shell <3

nothing special from this day apart from that (if that’s considered special). i finally got a tweet that reached 1k likes! maybe i should really just focus on my art rather than doing other stupid shit like romance! also, for the first time i tried our newly installed shower heater. it was super nice and its been years since i had a nice warm shower. id choose a warm shower over a girlfriend any day.

i hope things get better

[g-rai-n]

january 30, 2021, 1:54am

im thinking of making this a daily thing. i cant be bothered to physically write on a journal probs bec im such a zoomer. so im typing everything here.

last night i stayed up until 7am, chatting with chai on discord. it was genuinely fun and i honestly could’ve stayed longer but we had to sleep eventually. the conversation started nung 1am i sent her a message thanking her for being cool and all and reassuring my appreciation for her company. a couple of minutes after i sent it i tried to delete pero nahuli niya ko oops but its ok. hiya hiya nung first few hours pero we ended up just chatting about literally everything.

as usual, it was really nice and i enjoyed the entire time. i knew we we’re both g in talking to each other so i barely exerted any effort nung kausap ko which is one of the things i really like when talking to chai. we even took turns in pretending like your typical bumble match na walang kwenta kausap. that was really fun.

we also got to talk about how there are people you meet na talagang friend material lang or jowa material. i got to ask her if i was the latter and i got a “ taking into consideration humor and similarity of interests, sure” which is nice. i really like her so far and this is great news for me. the next couple months siguro would be the time to prove myself. i honestly don’t know what to do other than just be myself. i should just keep talking to her and eventually make her spill if i have a chance or will be sent to the depths of the friendzone.

anyway again i just hope things go well. ngayon im actually ready to push through. lets see

[g-rai-n]

january 21, 2021, 1:23am

it’s 1 in the morning and i really just need an outlet for my thoughts

my phone is currently charging and di ko rin magalaw kasi bulok yung cable. it’s on 4% and it’ll die if it disconnects. guess i cant use evernote

it’ll be weird to let all these thoughts out to a public yet at the same time private place. who knows, maybe i’ll let someone read it in the future? for now it’ll serve its purpose: layout my thoughts, clear my mind, and hopefully prevent me from doing stupid shit

-

i’ve been staying up way too late at night in the past few days. mainly because i either spend the whole night playing league with chai or spend like 1-2 hours just listening to lofi while waiting for her to finish and hopefully invite me to play league with her. this already sounds so much for someone ive met like a month ago (?). yes. yes it is. i sometimes try to leave my league client status on active so may “better chances of getting invited by chai” as in ginagalaw ko yung mouse every 5 minutes habang nakahiga, waiting (thank god for wireless mice). the waiting would usually start around 11pm. usually at this time she’s playing with her friends.

i really want to spend time with her haha. chat or league i honestly dont care. being bot lane duo with her tho is a major plus. i could be myself and id see her enjoying her time<- already makes the hours of waiting definitely worth it. we have fun conversations, i wish they would last for hours, specifically like that one day when we talked from 1pm to 5am. that was really nice.

i dont want to say that im just bored because of the quarantine and that this is just another stupid infatuation or something idk. its not. i feel a natural connection between us, something i couldn’t really in the people i meet in dating apps. it sounds fucking lame but ive always believed that having a natural connection with a person means you two would be good friends and that could also lead to something much more special. i dont know, i’m still not sure about things but id like to try once more. and i know i always tell this to myself but i swear i have a good feeling about this.

if you’re re-reading this in the future, i’m sorry if its a mess. i guess the thoughts just wander off easily.

i hope things go well for me this time.