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2019

Right now it's 15:19 Hello 2019. Still in the great mess and this pile of shit. I'm feeling unwell and exhausted. I hope I'm back for good. I want to change myself. Okay.

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I DON'T TRUST NOBODY AND NOBODY TRUST ME, I'LL BE THE ACTRESS STARRING IN YOUR BAD DREAMS! -TAYLOR SWIFT

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This could be the end

Right now its 12:58pm Look, I don't even care if you read this. I was at my lowest low that I could not even imagine. I trusted you, I let you into my head, I let you know what I was going through yet, all I get was okay lol from you all the time I poured my heart out to you. Please know I only share things with people I feel close to. But yes I felt betrayed, cos you're being nosey and it wasn't as of you really cared. Then why bother asking? I know I look okay on the outside but its chaos in my home. I have attacks now and then its just that you didn't get to see it. When I was breathless and nauseous, do you even know how it feels? But whatever, when I told you about the violence you just Lol. You probably don't give a shit. It wasn't just the violence, I was going through several shit at the same time but the violence was the bigger problem. The last time you saw me I was smiling and as usual I tried to play goofy. Because to me,yall are like my other home I can turn to. I feel safe. Can you feel that trust and intimacy? When I turned to yall I was raw and naked. I wasn't in the mood for anything. I started isolating myself. I hide myself away even from closest ones. I feel ugly I feel unattractive I feel like a loser. I didn't want to present my worst self to people who love me vos nobody deserve that. At that time, I could say mean things to hurt and also saying depressing stuffs to bring the atmosphere down and just make everyone feel bad for not being able to help me. And my attitude was disastrous. All the outings and practices, I never once went. These occasions were meant to be happy but it was so hard for me to even smile at that time. This is your thing. Its your once in a lifetime thing. But I was that bad friend who refused to try or give any contributions. Because I can't. I was at the lowest end where even eating to me is a problem. I lost appetite and for the longest time, I was only drinking milo everyday. I know my health was getting bad, I do feel hungry but food makes me nauseous and just sick. I was in the most selfish state of mind where I can only think of my basic needs everyday. Food and water. And at the same time,I was feeling guilty. Not only to you, but towards other people I love. Birthdays, graduation,weddings,I turned down everything. My state of mind didn't allow me to. Even if I'd force myself to attend such events, I would dampen all the good spirits. That ball of negative energy in me, it would've caused such a great impact and embarrassment that people prolly wished they didn't invite me. Why would I want to spoil good times knowing I wasn't fit. That was my basic form of showing love back cos I was so naked that I've got nothing not even pockets. So whenever you needed translation, I would always be there because that was the only thing I can give at that time. This constant battle with the demons is draining me. I tell myself I'll get better, I pray to God more, I try to do a little more then yesterday. It could be baby steps but at least everyday I make small improvements. I'm still not good but at least I was better than before. Slowly, i tried opening up. I made myself attend small outings like dinner and lunch. I wanted to make effort to show my appreciation to people that have been with me at that very dark period. And you had to doubt my motive when for the very first time I went to hangout on one of your practices. The way you asked in front of everybody and I just have to laugh it off that yeah I didn't wanted to go but she was on the way to fetch me so I got no choice. Truth is, I was fucking disappointed. Yes, I could've said something but it wasn't a good time for an argument or a debate, especially at someone else's house. If I was still in that old state of mind,I would've caused a scene. I can't even describe how unstable I was then but that day, I was still feeling vulnerable inside but you just couldn't see the effort I was trying to make. I wanted to spend time with yall. But you thought I just came for a ranting session and how you made it seemed that my presence wasn't important. But okay, I wasn't important. Because I was just sitting there playing with my phone or watching yall dance and I didn't have much opinions. But you said I could just come hang out isn't it? Was it merely out of politeness? Were you just mad that I seemed like I don't give a fuck about your big day most times? I'm sorry okay, I thought there are many people and one less person wouldn't be much of a significance. But at the same time I was thinking other ways to make amends but my priority is to takecare of myself and my mental health first. And effort gets bigger when I get better and better. But you have zero trust in me. That night you texted me to ask stuffs, I thought you really cared but no, you were only interested in my story and not my well being. And again when you asked about my home probably few weeks later, again I thought you cared but then its the same thing so I didn't bother to explain so much anymore and I can tell that you were disappointed that my story has no part 2 or part 3 to feed your curiosity? And now outcast me. Fair enough. But don't bother to play pretend anymore in the future.

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Not good

Right now its 17:16 Suddenly I've got this urge to change up erything in my life. New clothes, New makeup, New bags, New phone, New laptop, New music, New body, New soul, New G. This is the worst phase of my life. So much I really wanted to kill myself. I feel I've got nothing more to live for. Everything is meaningless. People come and go, I see my dreams being destroyed in my own hands, I can only bow down to society and become another zombie. Because I felt so depressed over all the issues that's going on, alot people are leaving me. Nobody likes to be friends with someone having so much negative energy anyway and I get that. So I don't blame them. And I'm thankful for those who are still staying. People who do not have to talk to me everyday to ask me how am I but I can feel the presence of the heartbeat. I'm really trying my best everyday to stay alive. All the pain inside of me is stuck and it wasn't that I didn't want to tell anyone about it but everything in my head is chaos and so what even if I did? Nobody can help me and I won't feel better in anyway at all. I'm going so crazy to the point I'm feeling so sick in certain ways my body is trying to tell. I could see the doctor but even if I did what could I say? As much as I want to protect my privacy, even if I was forced to say it, no words could be squeezed out. I have nothing. So I thought maybe new things could make me feel better. Even if its for the time being. At least I'm taking tiny steps to save myself.

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Afresh

Right now its 17:33pm 不要拉着我一起承担你的懦弱 曾经以为我们站在同一阵线 但我错了 姐饥渴了 姐想离开沙漠寻找海洋 姐要坚强了 毕竟没有后盾也没有退路 只剩我一个人了 只要能克服这个旅途 姐，刀枪不入。

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Is it okay?

Right now its 1:27am 我是否还有重新开始的机会? 我是否有能力让30岁的自己拥抱25岁的自己说声谢谢你? 上帝， 请给我力量坚持下去。 请爱我多一些。

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Why

Right now its 15:01 Its like I poured out my feelings to you in exchange for your LOL ? Then why do you even bother asking? Why did I even trust you? Not anymore. My private life will be none of your business!

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错过

Right now its 23:47 原来我真的错过了很多。这并不是我要的生活。我以为我怨恨这个世界，原来我恨的是自己的选择自己的无能。但，发泄有能改变什么? 我25岁了。偶尔喜欢自称24岁，毕竟年尾出生，但又有什么差别呢?还是算了。 今天，看了一部电影 [28岁未成年]。本来有朋友介绍我看了，不过不太喜欢王大陸，所以拒看了。 今天，突然出现在我的youtube中， 发现女主是倪妮就点进看了。我很喜欢她的气质。演技也是赞的。 But anyway, 我哭了。 这部电影提醒我错过的年华，回不去了。 规划? 什么是规划? 从小就有着上哈佛大学的梦想。想什么出国留学啊，环游世界啊，还有賺好多好多钱给妈妈。 可是，当我拿了成绩单发现进不了初级学院，一切都变了。也只能怪自己太自以为是，不需要读那么多书就能轻松的过。 没关系。17岁还是有梦想的。可能大家觉得我最大的梦想是当个出色的化妆师。不是。我想当诗人，想当畅销小说作家。但， 姐又自以为是了。我数学不好，我也放弃好好练习， 当时觉得，姐要当作家啊，数学算什么?以后也用不着呀。Just focus on中文英文就好。 呵呵。后来才发现， 中学读的每一科都很重要。成绩不好，选科有限。我也选了一科大家说有前途能賺大钱的反正就是关于电脑的系吧。反正都进不了自己感兴趣的，就进能賺钱的吧。 开学了，很不真实，感觉像是一场梦。我天天吃喝玩乐。头发常换颜色。黑色棕色太单调了。Boring! 甚至难过了一阵子，万一找不到能染头发的工作怎么办? 除非我做发型师吗? 染着剪着，慢慢又自我感觉良好想说自己挺有天分的。同学们陌生人们都在夸我，害得我飞太高了，摸不着地。 现在回想，他们是不是只是在看我笑话? 我的17岁虽然也喜欢黑色，但天空依然是彩色的。我以为离开了中学，生活会像MTV频道。一定会是充满rocker的energy,充满rap跟hiphop的attitude ,screamo的叛逆放肆，pop的fashion,country的轻松，alternative的大胆作风还有那R&B的flow等等。 我17岁的世界感觉有太多太多东西等着我来explore. I want to discover myself,make friends with the world, experience different cultures, be learned, be happy and free. 我想的太简单太美好了。想法很天真很单纯。还有许多梦想在血液里沸腾着。想学吉他，芭蕾，小提琴，剪头发，化妆等等。 渐渐的，越来越不快乐。学校很无聊。第二年，我实在跟不上节奏了。读了这些自己没兴趣的，还会有以后吗?是否想做社会的僵尸新人类? 我翘课次数多了，开始很刺激，后来实在没意义。因为翘课， 世界也不会停止旋转。你错过的机会，没人会还给你的。你不要的，它们捡到的，就是它们的了。与其怨恨它们不如怨恨自己。 我选择退学了。我人生中没有一个能讲道理给我听的前辈。他在我13岁去世了。其他大人也忙了。谁在乎我? 姐又继续自以为是放纵任性去了。18岁觉得自己很老。想上发型师课程又太贵所以选择了化妆师的课程。时间短也比较便宜。 就因为在youtube 看了几个影片就觉得自己神了。我挺喜欢我这个时候的样子。我很认真上课，老师说的都很容易进去，不像学电脑的时期像个白痴一样。天天向往着下一節课，似喝了鸡血。脑海里浮现了好多idea来筹备自己的portfolio. 我真的好开心， 围绕着我是一群与我有相同梦想的朋友。这样的环境气氛让我更有动力追求自己的梦想。 毕业后， 很迷惘。怎么回事?在线的工作都是化妆品销售的工作。就没有化妆的工吗? 唯一的出路就是freelance。我们刚毕业，没有经验， freelance谁会要我? 许多同学也回它们的家乡了。它们也开始了自己的facebook makeup page. 我没开始但也po了许多自己化妆的造型和idea在自己的facebook。 当时跟同学YQ很要好，我们都一样为了梦想退学了。她很漂亮很善良。我们常约出去看电影，聊kpop,聊化妆还有理想。我们还约定以后要一起往韩国当出色的化妆师，帮我们的偶像化妆。我们成为了彼此的动力和精神上的支柱。 就这样开始接了很多免费的工。 我很想focus。我觉得慢慢来，总有机会找上门的。可是我爸不喜欢。他觉得我无所事事像个废人。又不找工又不上学拿个普通文凭什么的。他一点都不支持我。我很压力。他的否定使我怀疑自己。天天吵架我也很累。我最需要的就是家人的支持但他一直觉得我做的是垃圾。我们关系因该从这里开始疏远的吧。 算了，可能我可以边做工边freelance。 终于，我找到了第一份工。我不喜欢卖东西因为我很安静。我也感觉幹这行的都好像在逼顾客买东西。我不想变成一个反感的人。我很累但也学了很多。最好的是，顾客渐渐叫我帮她们化妆。我很开心很骄傲很荣幸她们是喜欢的。我上班6天， freelance 不可能了。 我爸还是不满意。没有像样的文凭就等于没有前途。 我辞了工，重新上学。这次不是电脑了， 是跟商业有关的。因为要上学， 我也只能阁着freelance的计划。YQ也重返学校了。我们疏远了。我以为我们还抱着同样的梦想，可她好像放弃了。我精神支柱没了。 我这次真的比上次认真，虽然还是不够，毕竟心还在化妆那一边。但因为成绩不理想，有五个阶段，我在第三阶段就被学校逼着退学了。 怎么办?浪费了那么多钱。我也有20 还是21岁了吧。好多身边的朋友也快毕业了。我很慌张也很自卑。想回去freelance 但发现我的技术退化了，我的脑不再灵活了。连贴个假睫毛都要搞半天，之前一分钟就好了。打开facebook, 世界改变了。原来好多同学开始认命了，都把facebook makeup page 关掉，做普通的工。只剩我一个发白日梦吗? 怎么回事?我不能接受! 说好的梦想呢? 不是说人因梦想而伟大吗? 我又重返新学校。这次读marketing. 八个月后也毕业了。怎么办? 找工还是继续做喜欢的? 但找工变更难了。我的resume太多空白格。给不了好印象。会让人觉得我是半途而废的草莓族。 之后， 一直在挣扎着。 找工>合约满>freelance>repeat 那几年一直重复着。一点成绩都没有。因为我没好好focus on one thing。我的青春就这样被自己的钻牛角间浪费了。 23岁， 我决定好好freelance。给了自己一年的时间闯荡。我的爸就更不喜欢了。因为他不了解也不愿意了解我想做的事。Freelance 好难。朋友都很帮忙介绍客户给我。收入实在不够。后来，一个同学，我叫她阿姨。她有时候接太多自己忙不过来，就会分给我一些。我的贵人。但收入依然不够。我想做自己的网页推销自己但我没一张合格的照片。我不想随便用手机拍作品随便上传就好。不对!手机是capture不了真正的颜色也表达不了我想传达的。 因为收入还是不够，开始动了自己的积蓄。做着做着，我好像失去了方向。我似枯萎的花拼命挣扎活着。又不快乐了。每个造型都一样，每个顾客的要求都一样。原来，做着爱做的事也会变僵尸。我没机会画自己想要的妆容。给的idea太疯狂了，这里，每个人都选择简单。接受不了我的大胆。久而久之，被否定的次数多了，自己怂了。一直被客户牵着鼻子走，内心渺小的声音也渐渐被遗忘了。 快一年的时候，阿姨突然回家乡。我们失联了。我才发现我竟一无四处。我太依赖她了。什么事都靠她安排。也从不跟她要谁的电话或照片。我这一年到底是在freelance 还是当她的assistant? 镜子里的我很醜，憔悴了许多。我不认识自己了。我没好好经营我的contacts。彻底败给了自己。好愚蠢。好迷惘。我根本就是个寄身虫。 我不断问自己现在到底想要什么。这还是我的梦想吗?我快乐吗?该醒了吗? 我选择放弃。是我没勇气。是我做的不够好。浪费了一年也算了吧。 几个月后，找到普通的工作。因为是合约关系，他们觉得不会长久，很多都不会教。开始学了很多后来，都不怎么教我了。我学的都只能停留在这basic level。久了又觉得没意义。天天像个机器人做同样的东西，没什么进展。难道就这么过一辈子吗? 为了生活而颓废? 我不知道人生有几回。但如果只有一回，当然要干什么大事对吧? 让自己觉得骄傲的事。 每当看那种关于梦想的电影我都会哭。结局都是它们做到了，我为故事里的人骄傲而哭也为自己的懦弱而哭。为什么我就是做不到? 我到底想要什么? 我好怀念18岁的自己，谈到梦想眼睛会发亮的自己。我需要那个自己来安慰现在的自己。我需要你的拥抱。告诉我这个世界还是美好的。 原来我欠缺的是 [勇气] 我没勇气好好闯荡，没勇气跟世界分享我的idea,没勇气面对失败与他人的否定，没勇气做自己，没勇气告诉世界我还活着。 怎么我就这样被世界改变了? 我还有重生的机会吗? 我还能重新再来吗? 我还有时间吗? Why leave it all to tomorrow when the time is now? 25岁，请认真地活着。

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Not ripe

Right now its 12:16pm Yesterday I went to pray at the temple with my mother. I don't know know if I did the steps right or not but I got a good lot anyway. I was praying that if I move out, would things get better for me and my family? The lot that I got reveal that things will be fine and there will be peace in my family. Things will get better and a benefactor will help me to get over this crisis. Good things will follow and things will fall back into place. I just have to be good and stay where I am. It is not a good time to move or travel. But I am desperate. I hate the word desperate,it made me feel low and weak and helpless. Now I'm using it because I really am. I want to move out so bad but I couldn't get over the lot. I know I'm blessed with that lot and I should be thankful but instead i demostrated my wilful attitude, I lost myself and was whining all around. I know I was being annoying af and impatient but I couldn't control myself. I felt hopeless. I dropped $50 too. It could be a punishment or warning sign from heaven to shut my mouth. I know I should trust God and no matter how much movement I use would be a waste of energy. In so tired. The wait is killing me especially when I have absolutely no idea how long should I wait. It made me very insecure. I can't sit still. It feels like I've got to do something but does doing something make much pf a difference? I had a nightmare last night. My grandmother who passed away wanted to celebrate my 30th birthday and had planned a staycation for me. When I woke up, i got extremely upset. Yes I do miss her but I was also worried I would still be staying here at 30 :( I will never breakfree I will never be myself I will never be happy To be living in the hands of C. What's next? I have no clue.

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RUN

Right now its 6:04pm.

I did many preparations before I could really run. Silently, I had everything packed up. The only thing now I have to do is get a place soon. But I am quite picky I wanted somewhere where there’s this love at first sight thing. So I can only blame myself for the next few weeks if she does shit to me again. I will be strong I will hold it all in.

Everyone thinks that I am joking that I wasn’t serious in leaving. Most people hardly support my idea of leaving. I get alot of negative comments and how I could never make it or survive outside. No one gets it. I am not trying to prove a point or be like hey challenge accepted I’ll move out for you to see. I AM DESPERATE. I am desperate to get help. I tried at home but I see my dad pushing me away and my mom, she just didn’t want to get herself into this trouble waters.

I was so desperate that I tried getting for help on instagram. I am a very private person and I don’t do this. And even when I get into a relationship and break up with anyone I keep it all to myself. I can handle all that. But this violence, its like my house caught fire. Do you still stay and watch yourself get burn? Do you still care about the money or laptop or other expensive items if you can only get them back by running through a fire just to get most of your skin burn? Would it be worth it to die? Would it be worth it to ruin your life? Everyone is talking money but they are not the ones having their houses caught on fire. All I wanted was peace and harmony. Why is it so difficult?

People were also telling me to help my sister. Talk to her nicely, be patient be kind. Try to communicate and understand her better. Try to talk her out and seek professional help together. Thank you? I also wish I could do all these but if all these really worked then I wouldn’t have to suffer for so many years. People always say communication is key but this is fucked up. This is a lie, a fantasy we created for the children to remain as kind as they can be just to realise everything is fucked up when they grow up.

YOU CAN NEVER COMMUNICATE IF THE OTHER PARTY’S EAR IS AN ARMOUR, AND THEIR MOUTH, IS A BLACK HOLE OF BULLETS GOING AGAINST YOU.

I am the desperate one. I don’t know if my sister is happier this way and I don’t know how she is feeling. But I know when she didn’t came home last night, I felt peace. I slept 2 hours more than usual. And I really didn’t care where the fuck she’s at. I even had this selfish thought can she don’t ever come home? Well, of cos she is safe, my dad would always leave the lights on for her but he didn’t yesterday. And no, he never ever leave the lights on for me, because to him its a waste of electricity. But I can’t blame him for this, I don’t even need the lights to be on when I’m home late. Its the thought that counts anyway.

I still feel alone. I know no one can solve this problem for me. Other than ignoring me or telling to get help for my sister or try to talk me out of the moving part, why is that no one ever told me that it is okay to be selfish? It is okay to protect yourself. It is okay to leave and to be able to find happiness again? It is okay to cry and whatever the decision is we all will support you. It just seems that nobody really understand the pain I’ve been going through. Its physical abuse. Its violence. Its bruises. Its blood. Its the embarassment. Its the pain. Its the mental torture. All these are slowly eating me up and turning me into a monster I’m not.

No matter how I try to explain, most people don’t really read because they’re concern about the issue I’m going through but more like this is the price they’ve got to pay by poking their noses into it. Its not that I do not know how to appreciate, if it is genuine, I can feel it and I am thankful for it. The fake ones just kept on asking the same questions over and over again but if you really don’t give a shit, can you not pretend? I’m really very tired already. At least this incident made me realised the people I can really trust. Yes I am thankful.

Despite most people being unsupportive of my idea of leaving, I am still firm and absolutely sure that I needed to go. I have to remember that this is my life and I can’t give the responsibility of my own happiness to others to decide how should I live.

I don’t have to be good but at least I don’t want to be evil or wicked. I don’t want to let the society change me. I want to be in control of my own destiny and how I will turn out to be.

Dear God,

Please save me.

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Hope is stronger than fear

Right now it's 15:40 Hey its the angel number 4 again. Hi there. I didn't purposely chose this timing though. It just happened. So tell me how can I not believe in the magic of this? I feel a lot better today, more energized and motivated to fix things. I really hope things turn out better for me because HOPE IS STRONGER THAN FEAR. Hunger games taught me this and I didn't understand it before but now I do. When you fear something it weakens your heart to try, the dark falls upon, made you believe that it is okay to live like this. Afterall, we've been living like this for so long and nothing will change. Nobody in history made the change and we are powerless to become the fire starter. Not even a spark. "Woman shouldn't work or be educated or to fly an airplane. The LGBT community shouldn't even exist. They're against nature and a disgrace to mankind." But look where are we and where this generation is going now. We made it. We stood up for ourselves with pride, we faced shit bravely and created miracles like this. Man and woman are now equal. Same sex marriage is being legalised. What made us powerful is hope isn't it? Why wait till tomorrow when you already received a gift today? The moon is still in the reflection of the waters, the earth is round and not flat for a reason and the SUN is larger than the moon. Light has got to be somewhere for as long as hope is present in the air. Thank you God for sending me angels. Thank you angels for sending me love and encouragement. Thank you mom and the people who stood by me right now. Yall have amazing true colors so beautiful like a rainbow. Just keep running. Just keep fighting. ♡

[g-rightnow-blog]

Right now it's 13:54pm Have you heard of angel numbers? I don't even know it exist till J told me about the frequent numbers she saw. She kept seeing the same numbers everywhere, the time on the clock, data numbers at work, price of items she wanted to buy, etc. I hate number 4. I was superstitious. I am chinese. I don't eat dogs but I always try to skip number 4 if I could. To me, 4 is an eerie number. To me,it links to death, to ghosts, to something life threatening. Recently, I kept seeing number 4 around. It started about more than a week ago. I kept ignoring it. I was afraid someone around me is going to die or get into hospital for some critical illness or something. After all the shit I went through these couple days, I suddenly remembered about angel numbers. I was afraid but I looked it up anyway. Thank you angels for sending me such a lovely, encouraging message and that is really what I needed. I'm really very grateful for this and like what E told me to never give up and keep on believing. I will get up on my feet again and stop feeling weak. I want to be like Japan where they fix broken roads just in a couple of days instead of dwelling and delaying things. I hope I can be like this. And someday,I could take my mom and my grandmother away. Have freedom and be safe with them. ♡

[g-rightnow-blog]

Monster

Right now it's 10:42am Sometimes I believe, if I wasn't born then maybe my mom would've left this home already. She is like me,she cannot be restricted. And my sister was very controlling. She is already controlling my dad, his finance and most parts of the house. Many times,she tried finding ways to control my mom's finances too. I don't want the same shit happen to my mother again. What if I wasn't around and she chase my mother out again. She does not have the right to at all and moreover it was already way past midnight. I don't know how to take my mom away with me. We have a home but we feel so homeless. There is no other place to go. I don't want marriage to be the only choice. And I was afraid what if my mom and I move she would harass my mother's office and make her lose her job. But if I leave alone, I'm afraid she would do shit to my mother. I don't know what to do. She is a monster. How are we supposed to get away from her. I cannot let my heart down and be soft be kind towards her anymore. I always give in because always in my mind she was a little girl and now we are finally the same size. This is the only thing I can assure myself that it won't happen anymore. Although I always felt my uncle was a terrible man who took over my grandmother's house and never came back to visit her or give her a call. I always thought how cruel is it to abandon your own mother? But I wished my sister would abandon my mother so we can have peace. No. My sister is the type where she wants to keep my mother with her and to control her life and not treating her like human. This idea is very sick to me. I'm really at loss now. It feels as if moving out is only a temporary solution. I wish God would help me to get out of this with a long term solution. I feel so depressed and have no appetite for anything. I'm eating like only half a meal a day. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out. I feel caged.

[g-rightnow-blog]

不听

Right now it's 10:49 我很笨，每次被否定就想放弃。 就像是以前有个女上司告诉我我是不可能成为顶尖的销售元。 然后我就辞职了。 在某个工作岗位被她们嫌弃慢，我却天真以为只要我努力就能克服。上了不到两个星期还是被嫌弃慢， 我又辞职了。 多次想离开出去住， 个个都劝我不要。告诉我我不能生存。我不够独立。 加上当时金钱不够。就暂时打消了念头。 几年过了， 我也后悔了。为什么要让这些小声音影响自己的成长。人生是我的。当时没离开， 现在后悔的人是谁， 被折磨的人又是谁? 嘴上说的却不曾经历过我的生活。好气自己! 凭什么让那几句评论选择自己的人生方向? 所以， 我不听了。说什么都好。只要我做好分内的自己见识自己的成长就好。 才发现， 有些人对你的否定其实是害怕自己被取代或是因为自己没胆量去尝试的事竟被一个小丫头给做到了。他们会感到不安， 因为自己做不到而希望别人也一样做不到来安慰自己的心灵。 可能往成功上道的秘诀就是不听吧。 我就不听看看自己能走多远。人生本来是种冒险。无冒险就只能在原地。成功将得到欢呼，失败将得到经验，总比什么都没有好吧!

[g-rightnow-blog]

Bully

Right now it's 4:12am I can't sleep. It has been a very difficult day for me. My sister and I fought again. At first I started it. She touched my things and that spark inside of me became a ball of fire. I shouted at her to stop and to leave my privacy alone. I've always been letting things go when she does shit like this to me but at that moment I feel I can't anymore. Why should I always let things go her way? I hate it! I hate it when she change my sheets, I hate it when we got to get her permission to change the sheets (bc she was afraid we mess that stack of sheets up), I hate it when she washes my things hang my things and all of it! And even if I do it myself, she'll be insisting it's not up to her standards. I don't know if I'm thinking right but I feel like cleaning up makes her feel superior and being in charge of most of the chores at home. She always say if she don't do will I do? I will but just not as frequently as her but maybe once a week. But her standard is to do it everyday and she'll inspect every corner of dirt and hairs etc. Anyway, after I told her to stop it she suggested for an exchange that I start picking up hairs on the floor keep the sink clean(no hairs or food particles) toilet clean (no menstrual stains, henna stains, mask stains etc) fridge clean (no stains no fallout of vegetables and fruits) stove clean (no stains) dishes all dry and in order, hangers all shapes and sizes in order, hairless surroundings all over the floor. Etc etc. I agreed as long as she stop invading my privacy. It's not as if I'm that dirty but I'll pick it up when I see it. Excuses? Well, for the sink at the toilet one I admit sometimes I get lazy, but I'll pick it up once it dries. As for menstrual stains and mask stains I really can't help it if its stuck at a corner of the toilet. Like after you shower do you inspect every part of the toilet floor? She only gets to see things I don't because she is the one that washes the toilet. And just when you think this is over... No. After I agreed she started harping on things that what if I don't do this what if I don't do that what if I don't follow it what if she still sees hair lying on the floor etc etc. I told her to stop it because this is a "right now" thing. And this is where she insist I promise her before and I didn't follow it. But from what I remember I only promise her before that I will clean the hair in the toilet sink (I didn't promise for the other things she wanted). But yes I broke it in the end because she started touching my things again. How could you expect one to keep up with something when you yourself do not have the ability to? And then it got even worse she started digging old stuffs to talk from young till now all the mistakes I've done towards her. Isn't all that shit over? Whenever we quarrel she always do this and it just becomes a never ending thing. But don't play victim. Have she not done shit to me? Do I have to blame myself for bad memory and for letting things go so easily? Or am I trying to be the bigger person to show I'm the superior one the mature one? No. I feel that holding in all the negativity inside of me does not make me a happy person at all. I do not think this way before but once, when we were younger but not that young maybe I was I can't remember 12 or 13, we got into a fight and one part, I pushed her with all my might and her head hit the wall real hard and she fell from the bed to the floor. It was very loud and really unforgettable. At that moment I hated myself I was in shock I didn't know I could actually do this and she was crying in pain. I hugged her rubbed her head and apologised profusely. I wanted to win the fight but I really felt horrible about the outcome. Since then, when we fight, I don't know if she can tell but I only use 50%. I was afraid the same shit happen or what if I went crazy during fights and she dies? Yes for this maybe a little dramatic but it could happen right? If you say karma, not really because it takes two hands to clap. I hurt her and she hurt me too. But do not say this is a build up thing because we have been fighting since young and I believe all siblings do have moments like this and we, like other siblings, use to make up till the day I discovered that she could be a monster (I realised when during one of the fights she would use all her might and even when I stopped or having really bad bruises or even blood she would go all means to continue the fight like she couldn't think straight and it look almost as if she was possess by a demon. Her eyes look different and I knew she was already out of control.) I thought I would've died if it wasn't that my mom came to stop her. And that was when I decided to distance myself from her. But if a negative incident can be forgotten/faded/erased, why not? As long as it don't matter anymore why make it matter when it's already over? Like am I suppose to argue back how she mess my drawer and stole my sticker book or tore my homework when she was a child? Or how she stepped on my hair when i was lying down and she refused to apologise by digging old matters up again? Because it's over, it's pointless. Am I suppose to hate her and always dig these up when we quarrel? We grow, we change isn't it? Oh God, I'm at the naive side again. She didn't change. Back to the story, My dad came out of the room, spoke to us and reassure I will do what she wants me to do if she stop touching my stuff. (It takes alot for me to agree to this because my things is my things why must I give up on my privacy to satisfy her ego. Isn't it more fair like I don't touch her things and she don't touch mine? But I gave in for peace and for my privacy.) It stopped. It went pretty peaceful for a minute till she started again. Picking on my flaws and habits like how I like to leave things around, put my things on the sofa how selfish I was because people cannot sit on it ( my home has 2 long sofas and 2 single sofa if that's what it's called. I only put my things on half of 1 long sofa and people hardly come my house and even if there is, I can ensure enough space for 6 people to sit) and how a LEAF from my box of strawberries fall in the refrigerator and that I didn't clean and how I use my leg to close the refrigerator, etc . Can someone understand me now? Having to love with so many rules and I swear I didn't even see the leaf drop out and if I knew I would pick it up. And the refrigerator part yes I use my leg to close the bottom compartment of it but seriously who hasn't before? And the bottom compartment is full of my things. Even my things in the fridge upsets her like my yakult and milo, she has to unpack it bc she didn't like the plastic on it like she felt that the packaging is trash. Is this a joke? And she wants to control the refrigerator and the living room? Is it safe to say that she craves for power because she feels inferior towards the outside world and gaining full control of the home makes her feel good? Is my room the only place I can be in? And it is absurd when she said if I wanted people to stop touching my things I should follow her rules too. I only have one and she have like a million of it! I went crazy I started throwing all my books to make space down the trash bin connection from my house. I was so angry at how absurd can she be. I took my things off the sofa as well. I threw most of our book collection (mostly mine tho and she managed to retain 2 of her books when she realised I was about to throw it and I could still ask her to choose which one she wants to keep, I'm so out of my mind) just to make space for my stuff. I kept slamming the trash bin as I throw my stuff I was trying to let my anger out. Then she stopped me, screamed at me what if I spoil it and they have to spend lots of money to fix it. Girl, you are the one who drove my crazy can't you be thankful that I'm slamming that thing and not your face. At that moment I can't think straight I was overwhelmed with that amount of rules and control I have to bow to, and this was my only way to vent my anger but why must she control how I vent my anger as well? Is she trying to slowly gain control of my human right as well? My anger doubled, I screamed back at her telling her not to interfere and if shit happens I would pay and be held responsible. But no she continued to stop me and again, repeating on the history part with a taunting tone. I told her to stop and she didn't want to even when I tried to ignore, she was like a broken record player. I felt so emotionally distressed. And here comes the disaster. I did wrong it was a great mistake but yes I went really crazy. How would you feel if someone kept repeating non stop on how terrible you are as a person and how all the "mistakes" I've done shouldn't be forgiven. It made me feel bad about myself and deep down I knew I wasn't the person as she described. Yet I still fall for it because I felt accused. I grab 2 bowls, initially I just wanted to threaten her to stop. I never meant to throw it but she thought I was going to so she threw a red bucket(yes it broke) at me and one of the bowl on my hand dropped while I was trying to not let that bucket hit me and she started went crazy as well,insisting that was a favorite bowl and it can never be bought, limited edition etc. (Note: whatever breaks will automatically become her favorite something so I didn't feel guilty for that. She can deny all the way but if anyone was in my position, you can definitely sense the act.) So she used the chance to hit me with all her might, continued her taunting. I was pushing her away, I was quite sure I didn't hit her. I just wanted her to shut up but she won't stop and the hitting continues. I use the other bowl to divert her attention. I broke 3 bowls altogether but it didnt stop her. I felt very tired already. Mentally strained. The hitting and scratching does not hurt anymore I felt numb. I even offered her to break my favourite bowl too. I was very desperate and not myself. But she only cared about the money how much the bowls cost and how not thrifty I am by spoiling other things as well etc (And if you think I went crazy just because of the words she said, trust me, she did the exact same shit to my mom multiple times too. My mom went crazy too. But nobody gets to see that sight of her. She was an angel and very polite to strangers/coworkers/relatives outside even if she dislike them. But she would badmouth them at home.) My dad got out of his room again. She went on to complain to him. I felt helpless, it was as though I'm the only trouble maker again and she was the angel. The floor was full of broken glass bits. I was begging my dad to stop her. I'm not very close to my dad and we are not on very good terms. But my vulnerable side gave in. She started taking pictures of the mess (as evidence) that I was the trouble maker. And then my dad realised there were blood stains all over. It was only then I knew I had several cuts on me. And nothing on my sister. Yes, my sister went on saying how dirty is my blood and about the bowls I've broke that I only know how to create trouble because she had to clean up the mess. I did offer to clean up but she snatch the broom from me and made a snobbish remark that my cleaning will not reach her expectations and standards. Double standards much? Kept harping on how I don't do chores yet forbiding me to do it? Really? I told her to delete those pictures and stop blogging about me. (She had this blog about me where she notes down all the "mistakes" I've done towards her.) Then she brushed me off that she didn't have a blog about me. Just because I try to forget most of the bad things don't mean I could completely erase my memory. I said I remember you saying it before. And then I regretted not keeping the whatsapp convo we had before. It was only then she admitted that yes but it's her own private blog and for personal reference. She was afraid that I deny these one day. I felt insulted because I wouldn't stoop so low to be in the same level as her. The last thing she said to me, " I cannot help it if you cannot control your emotions, I'm not responsible for the way you deal with your emotions." But hey, Google the definition and types of bullying first. She's like a walking cctv noting down every move of me that she hates. It's very frustrating when youre doing things and you know theres this pair of eyes somewhere. When I'm cooking when I'm washing dishes when I'm hanging clothes when I'm eating. Oh she also said I dropped bread crumbs on the floor and didn't clean up. And I was like OH MY GOD, when was the last time I ate bread at home. TO MY "SURPRISE", she replied, "In May"! Wow! Great memory! Why she didn't she use this in her studies? Always supervising me in secret that I keep things clean. Cut the act. If you want to act do it well. She always think that she's doing a great job at it but I've seen enough of her actions already. CAN I SAY THIS IS STALKING AND THIS IS AN INVASION OF MY PRIVACY? Previously she inflicted bruises on me as bad as today was a few years back. I took pictures then but I ended up deleting them just because I thought things became better. I didn't like the idea of remembering such things till I google some stuff that the right way is to gather evidence and so I can file for protection order against her. I really regretted it. I felt so foolish. So many times I wanted to move out but this is the last straw. (Note: I don't really hit her much as before when we fight these few years so bruises mostly on me, at least the more major ones. My friends all disagree on my choice for letting her all over me like this. But like I said before I didn't want that same unforgettable incident to happen.) I blame myself for the incident that happened today. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I deserved it in a way or another because I know that you cannot communicate with a person who is closing the doors on you by digging up old stuffs. I was impulsive. I apologised to my dad but I didn't feel sorry towards her. Anyway, please know it is a basic human right to have privacy and be free of emotion abuse caused by another being. It is no longer the slaves era and we should not let anyone control our lives like this. We are living for ourselves. I've seen my mom living like that wasting her youth away and I needed to put a fullstop to this. I've finally given up the idea on giving people chances or waiting for people to change. It is not going to happen. Some people remain stagnant and I've got to accept the harsh truth even if it's a family member. Blood is thicker than water does not apply to modern times anymore. I've seen too much of family going against each other in the real world. Even money is not afraid of water or blood. It's made of plastic now it's waterproof. And I hate myself for always using the kinder approach but not anymore. I'm going to be a more selfish person and treat myself better. My next move may be hurtful to my dad but I need to protect myself. Don't try to keep me by your side when you cannot protect me. And it suck though he didn't really blame me much and insisted he didn't side my sister, he actually did. I'm sorry.