g1rlbl0g

[g1rlbl0g]

10/01

since i last wrote, everything has happened. from jason, to my abortion, to graduation, to moving to austin. but it’s happened one day at a time, and the mundaneness of day to day life prevents me from fully processing it all.

what i really want to talk about though, is addiction.

i inherited the same epigenetic sickness that plagues all of my family– inhibited by nothing, we all lack any control. if i’m being honest, we’re all pretty sick, but there is no cure. it’s a lifetime of suffering and a mental leprosy that isolates us from others. 

my mom is an addict and the daughter of an addict. she hooked up with another addict and had me. 

now, i’m an addict and the daughter of an addict. two generations deep. do i hook up with another addict, so that my own little girl is also the daughter of an addict? will she also be an addict, and fall in love with an addict, dooming yet another generation? it’s that sickness in my very dna, and it scares me. my mom’s advice echoes through me constantly, no matter how much i wish i could forget. never be with an addict. don’t trust an addict. as an addict, from a family of addicts, i cant brush this off. i see the patterns of addiction that course deep in my veins, that spark rapidly through my neurons. epigenetically, i’m a prime vessel. and i do, i do know what it’s like. 

but you cant trust an addict, you shouldn’t trust an addict, at least if my family’s enough to go by. 

but what other fate is there for me? who can you trust and love when your own insides are dark, gnarled, and selfish? i dont know if this is it, but all i feel is sick, sick, sick. 

[g1rlbl0g]

I think a lot about how we as a culture have turned “forever” into the only acceptable definition of success.

Like… if you open a coffee shop and run it for a while and it makes you happy but then stuff gets too expensive and stressful and you want to do something else so you close it, it’s a “failed” business. If you write a book or two, then decide that you don’t actually want to keep doing that, you’re a “failed” writer. If you marry someone, and that marriage is good for a while, and then stops working and you get divorced, it’s a “failed” marriage.

The only acceptable “win condition” is “you keep doing that thing forever”. A friendship that lasts for a few years but then its time is done and you move on is considered less valuable or not a “real” friendship. A hobby that you do for a while and then are done with is a “phase” - or, alternatively, a “pity” that you don’t do that thing any more. A fandom is “dying” because people have had a lot of fun with it but are now moving on to other things.

I just think that something can be good, and also end, and that thing was still good. And it’s okay to be sad that it ended, too. But the idea that anything that ends is automatically less than this hypothetical eternal state of success… I don’t think that’s doing us any good at all.

[g1rlbl0g]

03/20

feeling fucked and dark. 

lots of shit going on, only drugs feel good.

tomorrow is ostara though, and i’m trying to renew for it.

song of the day: “i’m having sex tonight” grlwood

[g1rlbl0g]

[g1rlbl0g]

Moons, Holidays, and Retrogrades 2022

Figured I'd get a head start on this since I'm taking tonight's full moon as an opportunity to clean/cleanse my apartment, have a little wine, and update my calendar with witchy events through the end of next year. :>

As always when I make these kinds of posts, if the peak of the full or new moon is in the wee hours of the morning on one day, I enter it into my calendar as the day before, since that is the night I will be celebrating even though it technically falls on the next day.

Sources this year are my trusty Simple Moon Phase Calendar app for Android, www.pagangrimoire.com, and horoscopes.astro-seek.com

~January~ 2nd - 🌑 New Moon in Capricorn 14th - Mercury retrograde begins 17th - 🌕 Full Moon in Cancer->Leo 18th - Uranus retrograde ends 29th - Venus retrograde ends 31st - 🌑 New Moon in Capricorn->Aquarius

~February~ 1st - 🕯Imbolc🕯 4th - Mercury retrograde ends 15th - 🌕 Full Moon in Leo->Virgo

~March~ 1st - 🌑 New Moon in Pisces 17th - 🌕 Full Moon in Virgo->Libra 20th - 🌸Ostara🌸 31st - 🌑 New Moon in Pisces->Aries

~April~ 16th - 🌕 Full Moon in Libra->Scorpio 29th - Pluto retrograde begins 30th - 🌑 New Moon in Taurus

~May~ 1st - 🔥Beltane🔥 10th - Mercury retrograde begins 15th - 🌕 Full Moon in Scorpio 29th - 🌑 New Moon in Gemini

~June~ 3rd - Mercury retrograde ends 4th - Saturn retrograde begins 13th - 🌕 Full Moon in Sagittarius->Capricorn 21st - ☀️Litha☀️ 28th - 🌑 New Moon in Gemini->Cancer, Neptune retrograde begins

~July~ 13th - 🌕 Full Moon in Capricorn 27th - 🌑 New Moon in Leo 28th - Jupiter retrograde begins

~August~ 1st - 🌾Lughnasadh🌾 11th - 🌕 Full Moon in Aquarius 24th - Uranus retrograde begins 26th - 🌑 New Moon in Virgo

~September~ 9th - 🌕 Full Moon in Pisces->Aries 10th - Mercury retrograde begins 22nd - 🍂Mabon🍂 25th - 🌑 New Moon in Virgo->Libra

~October~ 2nd - Mercury retrograde ends 8th - Pluto retrograde ends 9th - 🌕 Full Moon in Aries 23rd - Saturn retrograde ends 24th - 🌑 New Moon in Libra->Scorpio 30th - Mars retrograde begins 31st - 🖤Samhain🖤 (Witch's New Year)

~November~ 7th - 🌕 Full Moon in Taurus 23rd - 🌑 New Moon in Scorpio->Sagittarius, Jupiter retrograde ends

~December~ 4th - Neptune retrograde ends 7th - 🌕 Full Moon in Gemini 21st - ❄Yule❄ 22nd - 🌑 New Moon in Capricorn 29th - Mercury retrograde begins

[g1rlbl0g]

in all of my relationships, i think a new part of me becomes exposed, and i realize that i’m in love with all these different parts of myself. the other person is just an anxious habit. 

i fall in love with these delusions of other people and this ideal that i’m searching for. no one quite fits the way i think they will. 

– Virginia Woolf, letter to Vita Sackville-West (March 1928)

– Sylvia Plath, Mad Girl’s Love Song (1953)

[g1rlbl0g]

02/21

today i feel exhausted. bob really fucking sucks. i don’t understand why he’s fucking me over so hard (my letter of recommendation, the a-, my thesis committee among other things). he 100% is a narcissist and makes me really uncomfortable. i’m not sure how to handle it. 

i’m not sleeping enough, and i also feel fat. i eat terribly, smoke too much, don’t meditate, don’t sleep much, and spend a lot of my time doing nothing at all. 

i need to make choices that better support the life that i want. 

also, i’m madly in love with gus.

mood song: “trip to the mountains” kupla

[g1rlbl0g]

Value your worth, keep your calm, move from an elevated state of mind, spend time with nature, move your body, stay hydrated, stop criticizing yourself, show compassion towards others, have unwavering faith, and the rest will fall into place.

[g1rlbl0g]

02/14

met with my therapist today. i’m trying to quell the intense anxiety i’ve been feeling. i can do this. i am safe. i am alive, and i’m lost in my passions. life is beautiful and meant to be enjoyed!

i can do this. i love you.

mood song: “flight and fuck” bigklitt

[g1rlbl0g]

02/13

“you’re such a strange girl / i think you come from another world”

so drunk off of love and sex that i cant focus. and i really need to. once again, im confronted with how to be in a relationship that isn’t this intense. i’m too in love, like madly, endlessly, not sure i’ll ever get over this. i would compare anyone i ever date to him. he’s too perfect, and it’s terrifying. love has me once again in a choke hold. I NEED TO FOCUS ON MYSELF MORE PLEASE 

mood song: “the perfect girl” mareux

[g1rlbl0g]

We consider physical hygiene but what about hygiene for our emotions & thoughts?

Just as we feel refreshed after a shower, doing this daily practise (or a similar one) can help energise, refresh and centre us.

This can be especially helpful for those of us who:

✨Are empathic or sensitives

✨Experience overwhelm, anxiety or low energy

An abundance of love to you today,

— Angela 🤍✨

Healer & Intuitive

Daily resources Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Podcast and Website

[g1rlbl0g]

02/10

 arizona with anna was incredible 

1. pulling an all nighter w gus the night before so when i got high the first night i was quite literally incoherent– walking thru the club streets with a pizza in hand

2. experiencing sedona, buying crystals, parkour on the bell rock energy vortex

3. the plunger and attempting to fix the car

4. saint 

5. the faye webster concert

6. finessing everything the final day (my driver’s license, my jacket, etc)

and shadowing dr. anne has been super meaningful too. what a wonderful, action-packed week! i’m just so so fucking tired and breaking out.

song of the day: “love$ick (feat asap rocky) by mura masa

[g1rlbl0g]

02/02

gus and i said i love you to each other and tbh it was magical. 

[g1rlbl0g]

02/01

i’ve been barely sleeping. and it’s gus’s fault. 100%. i love hanging out with him but this relationship is scaring me. i think he is an enabler with weak boundaries/too easily crosses mine. my new moon tarot reading cautioned me to prepare for the worst case scenarios and prepare to defend my place. i need to stay strong and focus on myself– forget all this relationship bullshit. i give too much of myself and struggle with addiction too much to get into this. like i actually don’t know if i like the intensity at all of this. before it wasn’t enough, now it’s too much. i want to throw up. 

i don’t think he’s good for me. i don’t like that his ex said he was like joe. even if it was a joke. what he was saying about being manipulative is also really hitting me. i think his ability to both manipulate and also be controlled = a toxic fucking relationship. 

i gotta start asking myself if everrything im doing is authentic and aligned. if i would act like this/do things for a friend the way i would do for a romantic partner.

[g1rlbl0g]

ig @ onetostars

[g1rlbl0g]

01/29

i have a hard time giving too much of myself to others. i love to help other people get organized and work on their life, but i hate doing it for myself. and i rly like gus, but i’m rly starting to see how unreliable and also irritable he can get like it’s too much sometimes. not sure he’s the best influence on my life or truly uplifting for me.

mood song: “treat me right” norma tenega (sorry to repeat it’s just rly hitting)

[g1rlbl0g]

adult children of emotionally immature parents - notes

HABITS I TO HELP MY EMOTIONALLY IMMATURITY

Don’t always do what feels good, but rather what’s best (thinking of reality objectively with future consequences)

Be flexible and open minded

Really listen to people’s experiences and don’t launch into ur own

“They live in a perpetual state of insecurity, fearing that they’ll be exposed as bad, inadequate, or unlovable. They keep their defenses high so other people can’t get close enough to threaten their shaky sense of self-worth.”

Develop theory of mind

RAGE AT ABANDONMET

Alternatively, some people express their anger in a passive-aggressive way, attempting to defeat their parents and other authority figures with behaviors like forgetting, lying, delaying, or avoiding

EMOTIONAL CONTAGION (my mom) —> Emotionally immature adults communicate feelings in this same primitive way. As parents, when they’re distressed they upset their children and everyone around them, typically with the result that others are willing to do anything to make them feel better. In this role reversal, the child catches the contagion of the parent’s distress and feels responsible for making the parent feel better. However, if the upset parent isn’t trying to understand his or her own feelings, nothing ever gets resolved. Instead the upsetting feelings just get spread around to others, so that everyone reacts without understanding what is truly the matter

READ MORE ABOUT ENMESHMENT VS EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

DRIVEN PARENT: “certain they know the best way to do things”

Whether they mean to or not, driven parents make their children feel evaluated constantly. An example would be a father who makes his kids practice the piano in front of him so he can point out their mistakes. This kind of excessive oversight often sours children on seeking adult help for anything. As a result, in adulthood they may resist connecting with potential mentors.

TONIGHT I WILL MAKE A TRUE SELF (me before 4th grade) VS ROLE SELF