gabbylarge-blog - Tumblr blog

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Lies lies lies. “Don’t worry to much” means worry as much as possible.

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Feels

I just want someone to hold me and tell me i mean something

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Hey again

Okay. So it’s now January 23rd 3019, 5 days away from my one year liver break. I’m two weeks into class again and I hate it. I’d rather just be working and making money. I’m sad. Empty. Idk why. I just feel like a POS. We’ve been snowed in and I’ve literally laid on my butt watching YouTube and eating food. Why am I like this. But what else is there to do when it’s -10 degrees outside? I’m sad. I just want to cry but no tears come out. I’m very insecure, but also do nothing about it because it takes time and I have breakdowns throughout change. I want instant results instant beauty. I’m tired all the time & I sleep all the time so I don’t understand. I want to be active to get out, but no one else does. I hate college and idk if I want to be a teacher anymore. I NEED to get out of my parents house but that’s not happening anytime soon and it’s sure not helping my mental health. Wyatt. I love him, I think? But I don’t want to be with him anymore. But I don’t want to break up with him. He doesn’t turn me on like he used to. He’s gross and lazy. So negative and it’s making me negative. He says “I love you” and then he ignores me. He just wants his dick sucked and piper. I don’t feel like he cares about me anymore, so I don’t put in the effort either. And we argue. And bicker, and ignore each other. We don’t fight. We are just petty. He irritates me. He has little kinks that need bent out. Sure we were raised different and have different morals but he’s obscured. And he’s always calling ME out for small shit and it hurts my feelings. And he says he’s going to be better, that I deserve better, and then he makes me cry again. Idk. I try to express myself to him but then I end up feeling bad and guilty Bc I’m not the perfect girlfriend either damnit. But that doesn’t mean I deserve to be treated like shit. And I’m not. I’m just not treated like I used to be and it hurts. Our love is fading. And we need it to grow. Idk, I use to be so excited to see him and now I’m so excited to leave and go home to my own bed and my own self where I can just sit and think and cry. I’m not happy. But he doesn’t know that. And I can leave him and then regret it because it’s not going to be a back and forth or hang over my head thing again and I definitely don’t want his family to hate me. All this growing up, and all this job stuff and school and a house and piper it’s stressful. Abbeys home, she’s in Texas. We barely talk so she doesn’t care. I feel like I annoy her. But she is coming home soon. And ally, well shit she’s got her own life her own friends now.

I’m rubble. I’m no ones important person. I’m trash. I don’t want to be on this planet with these people anymore. My parents are even horrible. They beat my dog, they yell at me, constantly ask me for money, they just don’t see my success and my kind of smartness. I’m sorry I’m still at home. I can’t move out, I’m not allowed. Everyone around me is so happy, living their life’s, doing their thing. Well not wyatt. He’s the biggest pessimist I’ve ever met and he’s bringing me down with him. It hurts.

And money is so dumb. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Get a loan my bank says it’ll raise your credit. So I buy a car. Well my loan is too high so it knocked my credit even lower. Yay.

Got my scholarships back just to pay off my CC and guess what I will have it.

Phone bill, car bill, insurance, vet, dumb pointless shit I buy all the time because why the fuck not.

I’m just so unhappy in life and I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe in two years? Should I stick it out with Wyatt will it get better? Should I continue to go to college and actually become a teacher? Am I going to be Living with my parents forever? Am I ever going to find/love God again?

Im just so broken. So miserable. And I know “I’m only 19(almost 20)” but like come the fuck on. Blake’s living large. Even Riane is doing ok. Wtf. Help. All my “friends” live on their own.

I know I know, “change Gabby” OK ITS NOT THAT EASY. Especially when your boyfriend is negative and not lovey and not supportive it KILLS YOU, but you can’t let him go. Especially when you’re not even half way through college and it’s already been so long, I can’t think “it’s almost over” bc ITS NOT. Especially when your parents are terrible influencers, especially when your best friend is halfway across the country, especially when you don’t love your church anymore, and on and on and on. Everything so negative and it’s not easy making it positive.

Love one day at a time, ok I’m trying. I am. But I’m a planner and I need to see my future bc right now I don’t even want to have one. I just want to be dead. I want people to cry over me for a week and then continue their shitty lives. Bc death sounds better than any of this earthy shit bc all you do it sleep. You don’t eat your weigh in carbs. You don’t go to work or school. Money doesn’t matter. YOURE DEAD.

And that’s what I want. I want to die.

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Hey Ho tumblr world. Why I got back on is beyond me(we were talking ab tumblr in class so I thought why not) just popping in for a second. Little update. Not sure how long it’s been. Years at least. I’m 19, it’s September. I am a sophomore in college at OUZ. I have not had contact with Kyle since January 1rst 2017 and it is September 23rd 2018. Seems like it’s been longer than that. I also have not talked to Dylan way before then. LOL I think I broke up with him after homecoming? To get back with Kyle. My dumbass. But then Kyle found a girl, M, and they have been happy ever since. And I didn’t find, but he found me, Mr. wyatt letki. At first he was my dream boy right? Well that dies off. But I still love him and couldn’t imagine life without him. He’s so good to me. And we have our baby dog Piper, who is six months now???? Anyways. We started talking on 1/1/18 but didn’t officially date ourselves till 7/09/17 so we’ve been together over a year. No fights, expect for little Kayla stuff but I don’t even want to mention it. Because we never really fight. Yes my god does he get annoying, but I just get over it. I love him to death. I’m ready to move out and begin our lives together. This process is taking too long. I still currently hate life but I’m living it and trying to make the most out of it most days. I’ve been through many jobs and am now at red lobster. Let’s see how long that last. I am currently extremely sick and laying in the bathtub sweating my balls off so hopefully the sick is sweating out too. I have a pysch exam in the morning that I am not prepared for because I have no brain capacity to study it just all hurts. Oh, I also broke my liver this year and stayed a week in grants icu. Okay that’s enough I’m sure I’ll remember all that and little details won’t matter when I’m dead. If anyone’s out there reading SMILE MORE.

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Two years later.

I am heart broken. I am in love with Dylan. I had to push Kyle away , he was toxic. I loved him to death and would give my life away for him. He's not the same. He's gone crazy, he's a hoe and a partygoer and he's failing at his life. Giving everything up. I just want to be happy again. I tried to delete everything. I miss him more than anything but I will never go back. We aren't the same anymore. What is wrong with me? I tried so hard to be the perfect girlfriend and he fought so hard t the end and I still let him go. I really hope Dylan is good to me. And I really hope Kyle enjoys his life.

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Tumblr tant

I have two side bitches. What the actual fuck do I do. I love Kyle, but damn did he break me in many ways unimaginable. And josh is such a Great friend. But he got pushy and since I regret all that idk what to do. Ans they both hate each other and Kyle doesn't know about josh. I hope he never finds out. But damn this girl is fucked.

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💰💰💰

It feels so nice to be called into work. It's nice not giving a fuck. Gahhhh I'm a teenager

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Tumblr tumblr tumblr...

You sure have missed a lot. But it's not something can share on the interwebs I did get a job though so yay me 😅 Life STILL SUCKS K bye Dx

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Twitchy palms

AANXIOUSLY WAITING.... So I went into champs today finally, and Brad wants to start me tomorrow night. He said I would get a call about it tonight before 9, it's 7:47... CALL ME PLEASE MR This is going to change my life around YAY😍💟

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Damn

So Kyle came to the new apartment today, and we broke it in. What am I doing with my life

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Park

Met Kyle at the park last night. Didn't even last an hour 😔 Corey showed up too. So that's when I left. But I had Dreams last night of him. Many many dreams. And I got to hug him. I hugged him so hard. But the kisses weren't real. The hug was so real.

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So this is Kyle. We face times last night, ALL NIGHT. I miss those days. We talked, and we are going to try so hard to make things better. I am going I try to hold my younger and keep cool calm and collective. I'm going to be lienaint and yes even though I will be a crazy protective girlfriend in my head, I'm going to try to be chill because heart breaks hurt & I don't want him ruining me completely again. I want to have myself to be able to fall back on.

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Orthodontist.... One step closer to getting them off!! (Still is going to be forever😭😭)

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Volleyball is a good distractant for life. Sadly, Kyle was in the weight room today. He's also been ignoring me, if he really wants in my life again this is a terrible way of showing it. I ran my heart out today, and I just feel so dead. Everything hurts, and today wasn't even that bad. But it's been a bad night😓

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Um, he's back. There isn't much I can say because I don't understand what's going on. He misses me and he wants to start as friends. It's like my mind doesn't even care. Like I'm heartless.

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Shoot

It's monday. I pray this week goes fast. I'm a little depressed I couldn't wears my American eagle hoodie Becuase it's huge and I was feeling bright today. The last time I wore it, i did wear leggings and it was the day me and Kyle hung out after our break. Everything dudes, everything. But I'm wearing my lipscomb one, and it's so nice out. But it's for my drawing project, my dream scape. But Wednesday I have an orthodontist yay. Gets me out of school, Kyle also has a dentist apt then too to get his cavity filled, gosh I know so much about him it's crazy. I miss him. I will make today good, hopefully. Stay to myself and it's just another day. And my face is a little burnt, I just hope it tans. That was my plan. Okay well I'm waiting for the bus and don't want to kill my battery bcuz bus on the way home. Fuck forgot my headphones...

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🚗🚗🚗

Dad let me drive today! And I didn't have my permit on me 😁 but I did great!! Like I woke up and just felt like I needed to drive, so I just kept asking and I actually did it! And I did GREAT. Hopefully starting classes this week and hopefully I'm growing up soon! (Getting a job at champs, yayayay🍕)