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gabutbet · 3 months

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Lesson 3

You are Going to Carry that Weight

I love to smoke, not because it affects me to a certain degree of pleasure nor to be perceived as a cool/bad person. I love to smoke for the ritual, especially when done right. Imagine, you're sitting alone or with your friends at night in the balcony of your house or apartment or hotel, you light up a cigarette and when finally you inhale please for the sake of all the the reason you smoke look at the flames that just burned brighter. For within a tiny second in the flame that had just burned brighter in my perspective is where the films of my time started to roll, which replays' my greatest achievements and my greatest regrets.

I remember the first time I became self-aware and how strange it felt to come into being, it is as if a haze was removed from the mind and a sense of focus emerged. With this newly found curiosity came the curse of existence which consist of the awareness of self and the awareness of time. With time all things grow which includes our wants, talents, skills and memories. But also with time something else grew which includes our scars, loss and regret.

Once we accept that life is painful, we can be free to live in reality. Most of us would rather work or drink or smoke ourselves to death than confront reality, for the very notion of reality sours our mood and poisons our intentions. Many of us are trying to end ourselves everyday, but slowly and without our awareness such as eating food that hurts our bodies, loving people incapable of loving us, ignoring our health and engaging in risky behaviors such as meaningless sex and/or indulging in drugs. It is a tragedy and a comedy to itself that most people don't see through it all (including myself when writing this), all of those killing behavior and/or actions is actually suppressing the lower state of consciousness thus granting us the illusion of joy and happiness. Those killing behavior and/or actions works in numbing out grief, sadness and fear.

The state of existence within reality is the truest ecstasy and joy, it is the burdens of the ego which shackled us into feeling and being less than we are. This is why true wise mystics and teachers are in perpetual state of joy and bliss, not because of some drug or some short form of gratification, but it is because they have truly uplifted their spirit and have transcended lower state of consciousness. Artificial highs will come at a cost, whether it be in the form of undeserved money, fame, knowledge and happiness, for with every swing of the pendulum and equal opposite must occur. It is when we follow the laws of nature, in the present moment that we allow for true happiness, reward and enlightenment to enter our lives.

There is no shortcut to self-mastery and realization, however even in mistakes and sin there is still light, for we can only go as high as we have been low. The alchemy of life is the sacrifice of one thing for another, it is a process of transmutation from one energy to another form of energy. Most people will trade time for money, as they have trade desire for purpose and as they have trade dreams for tangible goals. We may feel guilty in a world that requires us to take from other living things to save our own lives, but don't feel so bad about this. As the Good Lord has said (Genesis 3:19b):

Everything is exactly as it should be, but sometimes we cannot see the forest for the trees. The truth is most of us are tired and even more of us are tired of being tired. That is why many of us fall into self-defeating thoughts in which we think the effort that we have given is too great for the potential reward, others may try and do anything to be seen and to be famous at any cost to which I can't help but see this as an attempt to convince themselves that they exist or ever did to begin with (to which I myself fallen victim towards this behavior from time to time). Most of us had convinced ourselves that we need others to tell ourselves and to confirm our importance because we never took the time to find our value and truth within ourselves.

I wonder how many of us are seeking the journey and how many of us are waiting for the journey itself to find us. There have been many times in my life where it felt I was in a 'train station' in the middle of nowhere, watching a 'train' go by and for all the imaginative reason that you could think of I'd just be watching while knowing the choice was always there, but just couldn't seem to take it. When I would finally got on the 'train', I'd immediately got off for some reason and find myself alone again. Even if the 'train' was empty, I somehow knew it was heading somewhere, to someone. I think the hesitation to ride the train is partly because of the 'baggage' that we must take with us, for we are afraid that it is not worth the trip and that it is not worth the accumulation of effort to be given. But I can assure you that as the clock hand moves and the silence begins to scream, you will be left with more 'baggage' than you can carry, while you have the choice to leave that 'station' and/or to leave this existence entirely.

Most of the things that we had done has destroyed our means on having a better future and solidify a pointless existence. I cannot tell you anything that lies in your and most of our lives ahead, but I can assure you that what will most of us leave behind is nothing but pain for others. I once lost a friend due to despair, I remember the wails of his mother, I remember the lines of sad faces and confused expressions at his funeral. Nobody gained anything, nobody learned anything. All we got was more weight than we knew how to carry.

None of us are making out of this game alive and none of us will ever really know why we are here nor what this is all about. But I can tell you that even in my darkest moments, I knew it was going to be okay. Because every day behind the mask of normalcy, people are fighting demons. They may not talk about it and they may never hint at it, but every soul that I have met had stories to tell, stories of shattering pain and horrible mistakes. Yet, here they are before me, living, fighting and trying their best. That is the human spirit that I know and the human spirit is what makes us special. I might sound generalizing, but since we are all fighting the demons within ourselves and if they can do it, if I can do it, then so are you!!

A million things could be your undoing, a million things could have been your parents undoing, a million things could be their parents undoing and so on. Yet, they had you and here you are, an impossibility, an enigma and a miracle. With that being said, you cannot convince me that you do not matter. For only a fool couldn't see that we are all on the edge of something wonderful, we just haven't seen it yet. Don't wish for an easier life and strive for the strength to endure it. I know it might be hard and I know it is hard, but I know you can do it!!!

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gabutbet · 6 months

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Lesson 2

On Fear

On the first lesson we discuss the question on the essence of being a man and the beginning of that essence is the acceptance of one's life. Acceptance of one's life may lead to the fear of the unknown, for there are parts in life that we simply do not understand nor we're aware of such nature.

I think one of the hardest for people to do in their life is to be aware of their own nature, we spent most of our time on this earth outside trying to not be alone with ourselves because we fear the guilt, shame and other negative emotions that lurks beneath the surface. we're afraid as we have not develop the means on understanding such emotions and until then we suppress it to the point where it forces itself out, often to a devastating degree.

We must understand that many things in life that we may found true are actually not. We have to ask ourselves where does our awareness comes from? What is the source of our existence? For a stomach alone cannot experience its own hunger and a hand alone cannot experience its own touch. If our body is not the source of our existence then we can assume that the mind is the source of our existence, yet our minds alone cannot observe its own thinking. There must be something higher that acts and is observing the entire system, an observer that is experiencing all of the stimulation. Each and everyone around you is an observer, you are all born to feel this universe and those that are within it including the emotions. With that kind of understanding we may believe that we cannot experience a cold just for being in cold and heat just for being in heat. What we experience is a set of sensation and feelings that comes from being in our own set of conditions to which we labeled it as such. An example for this thought is that someone may claim that they are engulfed in fear, but what they are actually feeling is a set of sensations such as a raising heartbeat, a lump in the throat, a tight stomach, and a clammy hands, yet for in another situation that same set of sensations would be called excitement. It is not really fear, it is the sensation of fear that troubles us. If you are feeling this sensation that we labelled as fear, I ask you to be truly be aware of what you are actually experiencing. Stop labelling and changing the sensation, and start focus on that sensation and pause from trying to do anything with it. Can I deal with my raising heartbeat? Can I deal with the lump in my throat? Can I deal with the tension on my stomach? and if all of the answer is yes, we began to see that we have dealt worse that these set of sensations and are really nothing at all to deal with.

The hardest part on dealing with a sensation is the thought that came with it, one thought of fear can generate hundreds more. We must understand that the true source of thoughts in our head is the labelled emotions, so we must not focus on dealing with the thoughts and start to deal with the set of sensations that we labelled as emotions. We must break down the sensations within the labelled emotions and came to realize that the sooner understand something be and don't change it, the sooner we will be rid of it.

The labelled emotion only wants an outlet, it does not want to be with you and vice versa. The attitude that one must have to deal with such labelled emotion is indifference, so the next time you feel fear you say 'I don't care if you tag along, but there are more things I have to do today.' Do not let your labelled emotions control you, as all labelled emotion comes down to death. Example: If my car broke down then I won't be able to go to work, and then what? Well if I'm not able to go to work, then I won't be able to make any money, and then what? If I don't have money, then I won't be able to put food on my plate, and then what? Then I will be hungry, and then what? Then I will starve to death, and then what? Then I will die. If we break down the labelled emotions, then it all came down to the fear of death. While nothing can truly prepare us for death, letting go is all that is required. We relinquish those that we labelled as fear and other emotions to God and accept that the world is beyond our control, nor do we desire anything to be controlled if we could. Imagine having to manually control your immune system and the nerve impulses, imagine having to manually control you heartbeat and digestion, you'll be dead in a second. Everyday we are living in faith, faith that our body will work as they should, that the sun will rise and the birds will sing next morning, faith that the ground under us will not collapse or the people that surround us will not stab us in the back. If we are living in fear of death, then we are not truly in touch with reality. All we have ever known is our own existence and will never know anything else. You will not be damned on sitting in darkness for eternity and truly be separate from God, unless you make the decision to do so.

All things will play and fall as they should, it is our ego that convince us otherwise. Our ego takes the credit for our safety and success, when it does nothing more to remind us on what needs to be done in order to survive and even that could be debated. If we do not eat, something else will remind us. If we do not bathe, something else will surely tell us. For even our death is decided and no amount of preparation can change that. Surrender the control of yourself to something you know higher than yourself, be present and be with yourself. It takes practice to do so, but I know you can do it!

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gabutbet · 1 year

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Untuk kali pertama, aku sangat suka suatu nama hanya karena kamu yang menyebutnya. Aku telah menghitung setiap garis rambutmu yang ada agar aku ingat saat kau tiada.

Aku akan ingat kau saat aku di bulan atau saat aku dengar lagu yang kau suka sampai suatu hari entah 1 atau 2 tahun nanti, mungkin aku tidak cinta kau lagi.

Aku akan ingat kau saat aku di bulan atau saat aku bertemu orang yang sama sepertimu sampai suatu hari entah 1 atau 2 tahun nanti, mungkin aku masih saja mencintaimu.

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gabutbet · 1 year

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ARS AMATORIA

Sudah

Cukup

Seni

Kita

Sudah

Cukup

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gabutbet · 1 year

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Hal tersulit yang pernah aku lakukan adalah untuk percaya bahwa ada seseorang yang cukup gila di dunia ini untuk aku, untuk melihat tiap manusia datang dan pada waktunya pergi. Mungkin ada kesempatan di lain waktu untuk diriku, tapi sejujurnya aku tidak akan pernah tahu.

Aku terbiasa berkata ‘tidak ada janji’ dan ‘untuk membuatnya lowkey’, tapi kebebasan hanya akan mempermudah ‘selamat tinggal’. Jadi disinilah aku dengan segenggam niat baik, walau aku tahu tak ada yang bisa membuatku kopi pagi ini. Aku terbangun jam 4 pagi keluar tanpa melihat adanya teman disekelilingku. Aku terbangun bergantung pada harapan dan aku harus percaya bahwa semua akan baik-baik saja.

Aku tahu telah membayar terlalu mahal, aku tahu telah menghabiskan terlalu banyak waktu, aku tahu telah meminta kesempurnaan pada dunia yang tidak sempurna dan dengan bodohnya berpikir bahwa itulah yang akan kutemukan.

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gabutbet · 1 year

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Lesson 1

How to be a Man

I think the hardest question a man will ask at least once in his life is "What to do with my life?" And before a man can ask that question, one has to become a man, but what is man? Is it the lone wolf who never accept no for an answer? Is it the cigar smoking womanizer? Is it the soft man who turns the other cheek? Is it violence? Is it physicality? Is it power? To answer that question, you must define the meaning of a man yourself, remember that only you can walk your own path. Note that facts or statements are just opinions. Compared to previous times, the word 'man' is much more well defined and now we live in a world that does not really care for rugged individualism, yet we pretend we do. We pretend we do because it makes us feel unique, but what makes us feel unique are really just boxes where we put that 'personality' to cover the void in the box where our true personality should be in.

We have left the world of chivalry, the days of true conquest and profound innovations. There are no new lands to discover nor new ideas that will change the world. We are cows that are being prepared to be slaughtered by the modern world, our minds and morals are all under attack by parasites that drains us of our life and ambitions. Everywhere we go there will be someone or something that wants to take our energy in the form of money or emotions. And you might be thinking "Why be a man?" "What's the point of being something that we don't really know about?" Well, if I might define what is a man, I'd say that it is the acceptance of life. To wake up every morning despite all the reasons not to. To be honest and moral not because of reward nor praise, it is because a man simply moves forward towards light and within light that can only be discovered through silence and contemplation. The light can only be realized when we are surrounded by darkness, for we cannot truly be ourselves until we are pushed against a wall with no chance to escape, where the only option is confrontation with ourselves and until the lies that we told ourselves loses effect with nothing but the reality of who we are remains. Through hardship, love and joy that the light is forged so that it may burn within us in every moment reducing our lives to its very nature, it is a form of alchemy that we transmute ourselves from coals into diamonds. Remember that a diamonds beauty can only be appreciated not because it's common, but because it's rare. Many people will claim that they have changed/reformed, but true change is the rarest gem of all as it will take your soul and grit to withstand the tides of life and to remain moral and optimistic. It is easy for us to slip into darkness and never to return, but within darkness, suffering and sin one shall crave the light. One must begin to seek strength and purpose to develop understanding and humility, however some will succumb to the darkness and never return.

We will find most people are ruled by their own shadows, they are filled with hate and false justification. They will feel subjugated and oppressed for they have not learned that life is hard, no amount of energy or luxury can one escape from the biology of oneself. Most people will fall into illusions of happiness and safety, and never really saw that they are the master of their own emotions, destiny and fate. So I will ask you to contemplate on who do you fight for? Illusions or truth? Truth is the essence of God and illusions are the agents of misfortune. An anecdote to better explain this fact would be as cold is the absence of heat, so is evil is the absence of truth thus God. So how do we know truth or God? We all have the innocence and/or the desire to be protected, recognized and safe, this innocence and/or desire in some form can bring true horrors within a man. Discerning truth from illusion is to pay attention on the impact of others throughout history and our actions, for within oneself there is the aspect to be the harbinger of destruction or to be the agent for change.

What's fueling your desire? Is it for power? Or is it for force? The desire for force and power are two different things that you must meditate upon. A man wields power, and a coward wields force. When nobody is looking and you have the chance to be violent or petty towards someone weaker than you, do you take it? Do you wish to dominate others? Or do you want to bring the potential in yourself and other besides you? This is the questions you must ask before you pursue either power or force. Most music and movies would try to convince you that a man is he who hates and dominates others in order to gain material wealth, but have you wondered why all of the wars and conflicts that happened throughout history are caused to direct the human consciousness and spirit rather than caused by races and nations. We must acknowledge that some feelings and actions are higher than others.

Sometimes anger is higher than shame and sometimes joy is higher than grief. When you increase your consciousness, you will be aware of certain feelings and behaviors are more in line with truth and thus God. This is why your attention is needed to differentiate opinion and outrage, to understand why sexuality always dangled in our minds, and why we desire to choose violence. If you are always competing, wanting and always pointing fingers elsewhere then you can never look within. How many of us are living in hell right now? Sleeping in fear and hatred? Desiring things that we cannot obtain and torturing our minds? Those kinds of mindsets are beneficial to the ones that seek to control you. Distracted by the illusions of race, gender and political parties by the ones that seek to enslave us with the material world and with love as the only out. What I mean by love is not love in a platonic sense, but the ones that requires focus and attention, with the right mind we can see love everywhere. Open your heart and mind, see the box full of love in front of you that gave an unmistakable energy. Something that is robotic or platonic will lack the intense aliveness by those who made and cared with love of a pet, the kind words of a stranger and the caring touch of the ones we truly love. Moments of love will make us feel peace and gave us strength from God which truly never separates from us, we just never realize its depth and/or take it for granted.

We must learn to defend ourselves with our ideas and body, we must try to protect those who can protect themselves. When the end for you is near you can and should abandon your body, but never abandon your honor. This is an abstract concept, but when felt they are more transcendent and real than the reality of our existence. If we abandon our honor, then we are nothing but beast. If we do not show mercy and do not protect those who are weaker than us, then how can we be strong?

We live in a time where we are pushed to things and act like animals but are expected to act like humans. I say if you are not both, live for the latter. Guilt and shame are tools of the human ego, even if we blame and put ourselves down, we are just juicing the nectar of our ego. The illusions that we put ourselves such as 'I am right', 'they did that', ' and 'they are wrong' are actually kicking ourselves and made us submit to our ego. We need to stop feeling bad for ourselves, look for the lessons and stop blaming others. The human ego is self-defeating and childish. If the human desire with all its wishes were to be granted, humans will still be left wanting. True satisfaction does not exist in this world and rather than be sorry for yourself, accept the role you have and do your best.

When do we take the time to look at a tree? When was the last time we feel the sun? How much do we stop our distractions and just be in the moment we are in? Those who appreciate the beauty of life are a genius and are satisfied with their childlike curiosities. To be a man is to have a dying acceptance of the present and to acknowledge the eternal moment in life. So, I dare you! I dare you to find out who you are through trial, pain, joy, to be fluid, to have an open heart and mind! I dare you to protect those who cannot protect themselves and be the servant of truth and thus God! You don't have to be rich, feared, strong or big. You only need a fire that pushes the darkness and a fire that is enough to warm the hearts of those who are around you! Happiness, love and joy are all within you! So do not worry, live a good life and enjoy the process. It will seem hard, and it is hard, but I know you can do it!

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