galateaknife

[galateaknife]

Eat food or stare at phone?

My nemesis, the dirty kitchen

[galateaknife]

Kitchen is clean, garden is (partly) weeded, planters are watered, cat is fed.

Now I need to eat something without messing the kitchen up.

My nemesis, the dirty kitchen

[galateaknife]

My nemesis, the dirty kitchen

[galateaknife]

lucifer rising (and frankly all of s4) is like okay. you are sam winchester, and your brother sold his soul and went to hell for you and you couldnt find a way to save him in time. you have to live with that, because if you cant, you fail him and his being in literal actual hell right now is all for nothing. so following in the family footsteps, you cling to revenge because you cant live for yourself, not when you hate yourself this much. and you do hate yourself! because your brother died for you, and your shit father died for him, and your normal life went up in flames and its your fault, and oh, right, youre a demonic freak. okay. so you start working with a demon which you know is bad but the end justifies the means, because she says that you can kill the one who held your brother’s fate in her hands, and you can save people while doing it. maybe you can finally do something good with this horrible curse in your veins. and you’re drinking demon blood because she says that it makes you stronger, so even though you hate it and you know that you shouldn’t be doing it, you do it anyways because you’ve already got that stain in your blood anyways, and its an addiction, and the end justifies the means still. so then you get your brother back but you’re in too deep, and you cant tell him what youre up to because he wouldnt understand and youre right! but once again, its the greater good, youre lying to him and getting further into this demon blood mess and apparently heaven and its angels (which exist, and which chose your brother and not you because you were already marked by demons even though your whole life you have just wanted to be good and forgiven) are saying that you need to be stopped but they dont understand either and it’s too late to stop. and then finally its go time, do or die, and you’ve chosen both because you know there’s no making it out of this one, not really. but youre too far gone and you know it, so finally at least you can die for something good, the way youve always wanted to. and youre doing horrible, awful things like bleeding a woman dry and leaving your bloody brother on the floor in a mess of broken glass and he hates you now but you dont blame him! you cant, because you hate yourself more! and then it all happens so fast, and youre finally getting revenge for your dead brother who is alive and pounding on the door, and she’s laughing at you, and you can feel the dark spot in your blood like a tumor and its spreading as she glows from the inside out and then goes dark.

and somehow you survive. you dont feel human and you wish it had killed you because maybe then youd be a martyr or a hero or someone who was good in the way only dead people can be, and then you realize it was all for nothing. less than nothing, worse than nothing; you didn’t fail, because you killed the thing. you did exactly what you wanted to, but it was never what you wanted it to be and instead it was all an elaborate plan that youve been forged for since you were an infant. you ruined everything - your life, your humanity, your relationship with your brother, your body, even your relationship with heaven - in a desperate horrible scheme that never even needed to happen because you were always the freak even without all the horrible things that you did, no feather needed. and now the entire world is going to burn because of you, and you dont even get to die like you hoped you would

[galateaknife]

“If you think you have good intentions, think again” EVERYONE is so adamant that we need to assume Sam is evil, and we literally just haven’t seen that, Jesus Christ, this show is making me angry again. Sam, you never deserved any of this, honestly just let the fucking world end. I need a drink.

[galateaknife]

You know, for some reason I’ve just always assumed that Alistair was lying when he said that John didn’t break, that John was the one who was supposed to be the Righteous Man. Like I assumed so hard that I am just now seriously considering the possibility that he was telling the truth.

(If it was confirmed in S10 or later that he was telling the truth I probably didn’t realize and integrate it into my understanding, I’ve only watched late seasons once.)

I think the reason I assumed is that John came out the Devil’s Gate when they opened it and Sam couldn’t get Dean out of Hell that way. And then S5 comes and it’s all brothersbrothersbrothers as matching vessels, and the repeated implication that the Righteous Man has to be Michael’s vessel

it's so fascinating to remember that season four was azazel, lilith, and ruby's plan b while their plan a was to get john to break the first seal and to have sam begin the use of his powers to save dean before dean went to hell to eventually kill lilith and raise lucifer

[galateaknife]

@samorodok-dva re: dean dirty talk post

honestly? i think he does some dirty talk but not a lot. i did my homework and went back and watched some of his sex scenes (cassie, lisa, anna, lydia the amazon, suzy lee... ik so much hard work im doing over here) and he probably uses some lines up to it and during but dude's brain goes pretty blank when he has a hot naked girl under his hands. he is pretty gentle and careful with them too, and lets them move him a little. there are some doylist readings i could take about this but i'd rather not. given how much eye contact he gives i think he mainly tries to communicate through nonverbal cues (i doubt he could form complete sentences when full horny anyway. see the awful thing with suzy lee, which, awful circumstances imo i hated that but whatever).

with sam, i think it might be similar but more emotionally charged, and much more awkward, potentially rougher. dirty talk (at least if you're the one leading it) requires you to multi-task and it also requires you to take ownership of the situation and acknowledge what's happening, which i strongly doubt dean is doing when fucking his brother. i think he doesn't want to acknowledge any more than he has to that he's doing this. it's an instinct-driven thing, and sex already heavily is, but this guy is like anti-bdsm and he doesn't want to think about what's happening, he just wants to feel it and act on it. whatever happens happens, he'll do what he wants and resist what he doesn't.

[galateaknife]

Ugh I have to clean the kitchen again. At least it’s my mess this time.

[galateaknife]

Potentially relevant:

Sam and Dean sex noise meta -> how do they sound and how is that a representation of their characters

[galateaknife]

Re: Sam beating up the bully—HE DID THE BEST WITH THE INFORMATION HE HAD. Oh my GOD, THIS FUCKER CALLED SAM A FREAK AND BEAT UP HIS FRIEND. “We took it out on other people” Sam, that bitch hit first, STOP IT. STOP IT!

[galateaknife]

adulthood is actually just an eternal cycle of cleaning your kitchen. other rooms you clean and they're clean for a while, but the kitchen you clean and it's messy again right away. you are the sisyphus of cleaning your kitchen

[galateaknife]

I love wincest. I love sam and dean but especially together. I love gencest, weirdcest, full on fucking each other, everything in between. I love qpr samdean. I love when they fight and make up and save the world and doom it. I love when they punch each other and hold each other. I love them seeing each other laugh and pranking each other, and I love when they hold the others dead bloody broken body. I just. I love wincest

[galateaknife]

someone write something better than whatever I spit out about s4ep11. Because on one hand, baby we are SO back. I love their human monster episodes because it's my favorite genre in the real world and it takes place in a condensed almost real time timeline (less than a day.) But on the other hand sam immediately empathizing with dean who sympathizes with monsters -> dean constantly having a hard time showing empathy to sam when sam's speaking of the monsters he sympathizes with. So many of dean's choices are framed by regret, but because he regrets them, he's absolved. But so many choices sam has made, even when he feels guilt or regret, are still framed negatively, as though they're always choices he's going to have to carry and he'll have to apologize for them at every turn, like it will simply never be enough. And Dean will always have to carry the weight of the torture he did on the rack, yes. But it feels so different. Am I making any sense

[galateaknife]

someone please forgive sam. someone absolve this man. how do I get plenary indulgences on his behalf

[galateaknife]

watching the samruby sex scene and said out loud “god this is miserable I hate this” and my roommate starts cackling from the kitchen

[galateaknife]

Fuckit. Cheesecake for dinner.

[galateaknife]

post s3 sam—erratic, stumbling drunk, half in tears, violent and desperate and losing his goddamn mind. take me. I want to trade places with dean. I don’t want ten years I don’t want one year. take me. homicidal and furious and self loathing and so utterly powerless. oh, sam.