galifreyannephilium

[galifreyannephilium]

So it turned out he wasn’t shit, but you are. I mean, it’s not that simple, but whatever. I’m done having my energy stolen. I deserve the world.

[galifreyannephilium]

It’s crazy to think how so many parts of me that people like, are pieces of Him.

[galifreyannephilium]

Thought spill

I am angry. I am filled with rage all of. The time. When I was younger I would always notice how I had this boiling hot anger, always underneath the surface. I could bring out up out of nowhere like a hidden talent, unabashedly. Enraged at nothing. I think that a lot of women, or people like me (I don’t even know if I’m a woman, but I don’t feel like having the nb conversation with myself) are filled with this anger. What it is, is an anger that all oppressed people feel, enraged that we do not get to express ourselves because of what we are supposed to be on the outside. Well I’m fucking tired of it. I cant even be mad in my own fucking home. I’m tired of this relationship where I bottle feed him like an infant. It’s like babysitting an 8 year old all the time. Like it’s literally like babysitting this kid I used to babysit. Great kid, I would drive him places, cook his food, and play video games. Tell me why its the same fucking thing with a 20 year old Man. Oh ya, that’s right I forgot all men are fucking babies. They never grow up. I love being a mother to a twenty year old man. It is so much fun and it doesn’t make me want to blow my brains out.

SEE. This is what I’m talking about. I DONT EVEN GET TO BE ANGRY IN MY OWN FUCKING HOUSE. IM SORRY IM AN ANGRY PERSON. ITS SOMETHING THAT I NEED TO WORK ON. BUT THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO DO THAT IS IF I EXPRESS THAT FUCKING FEELING. YOU TELLING ME THAT I SHOULDNT GET ANGRY SO MUCH JUST MAKES ME REPRESS IT MORE AND THEN I END UP BLOWING UP AT RANDOM SITUATIONS. LIKE THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH ME I DONT KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. BUT I DO KNOW THAT IF I OPENED MY MOUTH YOU WOULDNT ACTUALLY LISTEN YOU WOULD PUT ME IN A MENTAL INSTITUION. I KNOW I NEED THERAPY. I WILL GET TO IT EVENTAULLY. FOR NOW ALL I HAVE IS MY RAGE. BECAUSE THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS ITS ALL THAT KEEPS ME GOING. IF IM ANGRY THEN IM ALIVE. IF IM ANGRY THEN I HAVE SOMETHING TO FIGHT FOR. BECAUSE THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS THIS, I WANT TO SHOOT MY BRAINS OUT RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW. I CAN IMAGINE IT CRISP AS A MORNING DEW. ANND ITS PLAYING OVER AND OVER AND OVER IN MY HEAD IN A LOOP. AND ALL I WANT FOR YOU TO DO IS CONSIDER WHEN YOURE TAKING A LONG TIME IN A GAME. OR MAYBE COOK ME A MEAL WITHOUT ME HAVING TO SAY SOMETHING BECAUSE IM FUCKING EXHAUSETED AND I CANT KEEP DOing it for both of us anymore. I will give in. Ill do it, the blood is a beautiful color and I am a flower spilling my pollen on the wall. I will fucking do it. But I wont. And you wont know either of those things because you don’t actually want to know. You want the problem out of the way so that I can deal with yours. Now if you don’t mind me I’m gonna go back to swelling up with anger like I used to as a small child because I had no where to let my feelings out. Back to square one it looks like, actually I never left. Did I?

[galifreyannephilium]

Why [11/10-but more likely the end of July (07/?)]

Why do I still think about you? Why? Every time I get a minute alone, my mind wonders back to you. Maybe that’s why I stay with him all the time, because he deserves so much more than you do. I try to occupy my mind and my time with him. You don’t deserve a bit of my attention after that, that SHIT you spouted. He is kind and brave and beautiful. He speaks his mind and he loves me so, so much. And yet, I still want to kiss you. But, I want to gut and skin you. Maybe I should gut and skin myself. How could you say something so putrid? You have to know I wouldn’t stand for it, and yet, you did it anyway. I know you know it. To speak something so hateful into existence? I hate myself from the inside out, every piece of myself, for still thinking of you that way. All I see is red when I think of you. The hot, burning rage from the hate you have in your heart. The hot, burning passion from the love I have in mine. Why? How can two polarities exist in the same space for so long? I will try and push them away, wait for them to fizzle out. In the mean time, I will try and think of him.

[galifreyannephilium]

Numb.

God, I’m broken. All I think about is you. In this time of crisis and isolation, I just think about your lips on mine. I think about the shadows on your face that night. I think about your laugh, god you’re never not on my mind. And I hate myself, there’s seldom a time I don’t want to die. We didn’t even know each other but I’ve known you lifetimes. He looks at me and I try not to think about my heart aching for you, pulling me towards you. He’s inside of me and I bury him deeper into my cunt hoping it’ll push you out of my heart. Hoping it will unentangle our souls. I just want to scream. I want to kill you or kill myself. I just want this ache, this emptiness to subside. Or maybe I want the numbness to take over again. Disassociate into an empty shell, like I used to be. Maybe that was better. Being a shell verses this destroyed mess of a thing.