gapingwounds

[gapingwounds]

finally. it feels like a huge weight has been lifted.

[gapingwounds]

you ever get surprised by your own recurring issues. like come on man. I thought we were past this.

[gapingwounds]

there has to be a way to be like a normal person who's normal about things holy shit..

[gapingwounds]

this is actually so unnatural though. i feel so alien trying to navigate getting close to you with my feelings pretty much on the table. you're not exactly my friend, but you're not exactly more than a friend to me, either.

it's because i'm still thinking, not feeling. is this right? is this too fast? too slow? i always have to ask myself some sort of question before i even say anything to you.

for once i want to be self-assured. i know how you feel, i think. and you know how i feel (i hope). and there is no looming danger, no predator about to pounce on me and make a bloody scene of my attempts.

why can't it be easy? what do i have to lose that's more precious than seeing for myself the road we are to walk together?

i guess i'm still scared. there's still some sort of pride holding my tongue, tying it into a knot.

i don't know.

[gapingwounds]

he's cute in that way that really makes me smile at anything he says? it's unusual.

[gapingwounds]

there's nothing about me that's remotely exciting to be honest. like i am just a girl

[gapingwounds]

i love you guys, i'm happy to be here and getting to see you.

though i still feel strange, having trusted you with my thoughts. that's not because you're not my friends, of course. it's just rare for me to open up easily.

[gapingwounds]

the sun really is rising on a brand new, happier life.

[gapingwounds]

a conversation i never thought i'd have turned out better than i could have ever hoped.

i asked him why he never brought up that kiss. "you remember that?" he asked.

in retrospect, he was being really thoughtful by not bringing it up at all — he thought it'd be awkward for me.

and he was right! it really was. but i needed to know because i was going crazy. i needed to know if it was nothing. so i asked. "of course it wasn't nothing," he said.

i poured my heart out to him for some reason. i can't say i understand what came over me, but i needed him to know. i needed him to know i liked that kiss, that it caused sensations in me i didn't think i could feel. that it was like discovering myself all over again.

it's so dramatic, yet so true. something inside of me shifted that day and i gradually came to accept my longing until it completely devoured me.

he didn't say anything. instead he got me flowers. he didn't say anything. instead he kissed me again.

such dangerously intoxicating kiss makes you wish time would stop for a while.

by the way, his lips are definitely honey.

[gapingwounds]

just as sweet as i remember it...

[gapingwounds]

oh this is crazy

[gapingwounds]

all the harm this conversation can possibly do is knock me down a few pegs so i stop being so delusional about him. it needs to be done. it needs to be done because there's no other way forward.

[gapingwounds]

no. i have to be

am i brave enough to do this?

[gapingwounds]

i am... not scared, no. a little concerned? i might be sending the wrong message. granted, i haven't tried to send a message at all because i'm cowardly, but sometimes i think he genuinely believes i dislike him or something. what a complete disaster.

how could i possibly dislike you? if i close my eyes long enough, i think about the softness of your lips all over again. it's all i inequivocally remember; well, that and the warm, thrilling tightness in my chest.

[gapingwounds]

i should just let go of it. of everything. and stop worrying.

[gapingwounds]

he's so pretty...

[gapingwounds]

i'm so confused. i can't focus on dance practice because i keep thinking about it. is something happening between us? or is it in my head?