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I always had the problem of counting my money that isn't in my bank account yet. I've recently been into running and cycling, and there's just lots of stuff that's tempting to buy. So I made a little "why or why not" list for myself. Surprisingly effective, and I've already deleted them from my cart

I'm trying to save up for my future. I want something to fall back on when I eventually graduate and try looking for a job. I want to at least not ask for money when going to job interviews, so yeah, I'm turning a new leaf.

I've already argued against myself, but seeing it hit differently. Turns out I just needed to have a physical copy of why I shouldn't spend more money than necessary.

[July 15, 2025]

my heart feels heavy again. my mind's racing and i feel like running away

[January 4, 2023]

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It's my summer vacation and here's what I realized or have done so far

I should just go home immediately. I need to save money throughout the whole school year so that I wouldn't need to stay for another week at the condo. I just spend more money, do nothing, and feel suffocated. The 1st semester would end around Christmas so I need to have enough money for gifts and outings for myself

Also, I found I'm only resting from school work the first week. After that I'm itching for something to do. And right now, my current hobby is running

I'm on Week 3 of walking/running and I joined a cumulative 40k "run" which I walked most of the time. I'm not as fit for running, but I'm currently following a C25K program

I decided to be a bit more serious about running, and shit is hard. Because I'm losing motivation already and I'm slowing down on my runs

I eventually wanna join a fun run. I looked for some and found an event for September — ideal for my schedule. But training for it is not going great because my pace puts me at 13 min/km and I only cover 2km for 30 minutes but I just found that 5k runs have a 1 hour cutoff time, so I'm still not fast enough and it's frustrating me

My body's betraying me lately because my legs just feel heavy. Even when I hydrated and ate properly before a run

I also wanna go back to writing again, but opening my laptop feels like schoolwork and I don't want it to feel like a chore

I've also been avoiding cycling. Compared to running, I need to prepare a lot of things, and I just avoid it for the mean time

So yeah. Lots of walls I need to climb to get out of this rut. I wanna enjoy my vacation by doing lots of things, because watching movies or reading isn't enough anymore

[June 29, 2025]

my heart feels heavy again. my mind's racing and i feel like running away

[January 4, 2023]

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Got a day off and did nothinggg

I am very productive in the morning, but I get slow around 10 am then feel okay around 1 or 2 pm again.

I think I'm gonna sleep or eat during those times even when I have shit to do because it just leads me to rest more if I try to push

I am productive from the afternoon up to midnight, as long as I slept in the afternoon

[January 29, 2025]

my heart feels heavy again. my mind's racing and i feel like running away

[January 4, 2023]

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Sunday Realizations

I need sunlight. I didn't go the gym and didn't sit down at the pool and I just feel low

I dunno if feeling low is due to me not accomplishing as much, but now that I think about it. When I go out, it doesn't matter if I do much, as long as I was outside

I'm just not as productive during the weekends when I'm at home

[January 26, 2025]

my heart feels heavy again. my mind's racing and i feel like running away

[January 4, 2023]

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Sunday Realizations

I need sunlight. I didn't go the gym and didn't sit down at the pool and I just feel low

I dunno if feeling low is due to me not accomplishing as much, but now that I think about it. When I go out, it doesn't matter if I do much, as long as I was outside

I'm just not as productive during the weekends when I'm at home

[January 26, 2025]

my heart feels heavy again. my mind's racing and i feel like running away

[January 4, 2023]

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Update!!!

It's better to bring my laptop with me at school. The unfamiliarity of Windows just slows me down. I just need to know what materials to bring so I don't have to bring heavy shit every day

Made a DIY whiteboard to keep track of tasks amd review easily

I wrote all of my tasks and accomplished only 3, and they didn't even take that much time. Now I have lots to do tomorrow

So, I seem to procrastinate because I know I'll have time. I need to have a timer so I'll accomplish what I need in a specified time

If I miss my morning alarm clock, I'm more likely to procrastinate the whole day

Anyway, good luck to me. I have shit ton to do and with so little time to do it

[January 25, 2025]

my heart feels heavy again. my mind's racing and i feel like running away

[January 4, 2023]

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More!!!

I'm useless after 11:00 pm. I can push through, but I'm slow to finish it — thinking I could accomplish it in the morning. Which I somehow do, but that's what I want to change. I want to finish tasks without being stressed by time

I'm more likely to retain information if I write it down on my notebook, rather than typing it as I listen

I haven't been able to exercise at all. I'm too tired to do it after school and I don't want to get sweaty in the morning. I need further observation

I'm spending more. I need to keep track of my money again

[January 22, 2025]

my heart feels heavy again. my mind's racing and i feel like running away

[January 4, 2023]

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Life Update as I recognize what routine is best for me:

A little stretching in the mornings definitely help, as I don't feel much aching on my back when I get home

Doing tasks immediately after getting home works. Though I did rest at the mall and drank coffee

2 cups of coffee is okay, makes me energized. Took 3 cups today and man am I sleepy. Or maybe it's because I didn't get enough sleep yesterday and caffeine isn't enough.

Tasks are less daunting after I eat, relax, and read my book. It makes me feel refreshed and kinda productive, because I didn't spend 2 hours on my bed and be tempted to rest more

I do eat more though. So maybe, I'll eat at school, before going to decompress at the mall — so I don't get tempted to buy more

I'm less tired than I was last week. I think going to the gym helped

I don't always need my laptop at school. If I want to do my notes, I can just go to the library. It'll give me the incentive to work harder

[January 21, 2025]

my heart feels heavy again. my mind's racing and i feel like running away

[January 4, 2023]

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It's Sunday and I'm having my "me day". And so far it really is relaxing. But I do have some notes from this week. Apart from the ones yesterday

1. I don't have much time as I thought I do.

I had 2 whole days of no classes and I only accomplished 2 assignments and 1 subject of notes

Now I'm scrambling because I have quizzes next week and I don't have proper studying materials

So, bottom line: Do it immediately. Immerse myself in my studies that I won't be tempted to procrastinate

2. I can't have notes for all my subjects

I tried making notes for pathology, because even if the book is provided and the professor bases all of his explanations there — I would still like something of my own. Well it's time consuming. Everything is in it anyway, I just have to read and annotate.

Subjects that need it: OPD, PRM, PRD

3. Coffee shops don't motivate me much

While it is enjoyable, I don't finish as much as I could. I just end up eating and spending a lot

Nothing still beats a studyhub, I need to get back into that

I noticed that I don't do much after school because I'm tired, but what if I go to a studyhub after school? Then leave once I'm done. I need to admit that being alone at home just isn't working for me and just pushes me to procrastinate.

The money is what I'm thinking . I don't have enough to allocate my allowance to it — something to think about

4. I shower at night, so I can't get sweaty in the morning

I can't exercise in the morning during weekdays. I planned to do push-ups and sit-ups anyway, so maybe I'll do that in the afternoon or before I shower for the night

5. I don't have the energy to cook & the budget to buy food

I should call home and ask for food. This way I don't have to plan what I need to cook, and I can avoid being unhealthy.

I need to plan what I want to ask. To see if I can consume it for the week and don't end up wasting food

6. My body's aching because I'm not exercising

Don't get me wrong, a massage is phenomenal. But I went to gym this past 2 days and I feel good

Maybe I just need to stretch my muscles out and the aches will go away — something to observe for the week

Recap

There's not much time. Do my tasks immediately

Choose what subjects to have notes for, I'm gonna have assignments, practicals, and quizzes — I need to prioritize

Try studyhubs again or any place to focus without spending much

Exercise after school or before showering

Ask for food at home

Exercise or stretch more

[January 19, 2025]

my heart feels heavy again. my mind's racing and i feel like running away

[January 4, 2023]

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I just realized that I only post here when I'm not in the best mood, and reading past entries just reinforces those feelings. So today I'll write the things I'm trying to improve myself: physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I made a calendar of what I should accomplish in a day. Generally, it goes like this: Wake up at 4 am, shower, eat breakfast, get dressed, and be at school before 6 so I could start or review that day's tasks.

I end at either 4 or 5 pm, so I scheduled doing my assignments at 7 pm — to give way for travelling and a short rest. Once 7 pm hits, I should be starting my tasks and end at 11:30 or 12 am. For the weekends, I start my day at 6 am, and end earlier — at 10 pm. Sunday mornings are for rest days though. I adjust my Sunday according to what tasks I still have left.

I've been doing this for a week, actually less than a week. It's only Saturday, but here's what I found.

I can wake up and leave at the scheduled time. I also can follow the pre-class prep routine, but kinda depends on travelling time. I do a good job in the mornings.

But the after class routine is what kills me, especially if I have laboratory days. I have shit ton of materials with me and we have to hike those up 4-floors everytime. So by the time I got home, I'm exhausted. I just want to sleep, and I end up procrastinating, saying "I deserve the rest." Which I do, but that just gave me more stuff to do the next day, and the cycle repeats until I'm crying because I'm drowning from the workload.

I want to be better at laboratory activities, but I don't have time to practice. I want to do better theoretically, but even if I study, professors have twists in their exams that just stump me. So I'm drowning and beating myself up for not following the schedule, but I can't always be that productive. Not unless I gulp down liters of coffee — and I don't necessarily like that, makes me feel nauseous and lethargic after.

I lost my drive. 2 semesters ago, I was keeping up, and wanted to keep up because I wanted to get my scholarship back. Which I did, then last semester I lost it again. Is this me feeling like my efforts will be for naught? That driving myself to the ground will yield nothing? I should think about my future, because what use is studying so hard if I can't retain any of it when I eventually practice?

Realizations: I need to study to understand what I'm doing. How will I be entrusted with people's lives if I don't know what I'm doing? I didn't study as much during my earlier years and I'm paying for it now. I don't need detailed notes for those — I realize that now. But I should still be familiar with them.

I need to study for my parents, because they gave me everything and I want to be successful and give back. I need to study because I want to be a great doctor, someone my patients will go back to because they feel that I know what I'm doing. I need to study for me, because it'll feel so damn good for hard work to pay off — to see myself in a good future.

So I've identified some issues I'm having, let's go back to my schedule and see what I can tweak.

Physically: I can't go to the gym in the mornings of weekdays. I like the sun on my face, so I could bask in its rays after I've done my workout. So I think a few push ups, sit ups is what I can do. Then go all out on the weekends. As for food, I have to cut back the rice, because I'm not even having that much snacks anymore, but I'm still gaining weight. I need to buy bread so I can have those for quick snacks, and not unhealthy alternatives. I'm gonna start eating pita again, it's not heavy compared to rice.

Academically: I can do my tasks at night if I go outside. I went to the nearby yogurt shop and stayed there for 4 hours just to do my assignments. I might not be as productive as I want, given I only finished 1 subject of notes — but progress is still progress. So if I'm feeling tired and want to rest, I will take a nap, then go out. This will still feel like a win and won't beat myself up for it. The best place is still a studyhub, because I noticed that I lose all motivation once I enter the condo. So yeah, at least I can stay late there and finish stuff

Mentally/Emotionally: Take a few hours to myself. For weekdays that I feel drained, I can hang out at the rooftop and take the fresh air in. I can take a walk around the mall, eat good food, and people watch. On weekends, I can take a book and read outside. Either at the rooftop again or find a coffee shop where I'll feel relaxed. I feel like Sundays are the only days I can do this. Actually, I should. I need to set a boundary for myself.

Monday to Saturday is me hard at work. I need to finish everything I can before Sunday, because that time is mine. I need to protect it. I will reward myself with little treats to help me through the week, but Sunday is when I'll spoil myself. Sundays will be mine.

I never thought writing this down will help me. But it did. Here's to me trying my best. Here's to giving myself the best future to attain! Let's do this!

[January 18, 2025]

my heart feels heavy again. my mind's racing and i feel like running away

[January 4, 2023]

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2nd semester is upon me and my stomach is in knots. I don't know why there's always jitters whenever I go back to school but I do. Right now my mind is racing about the possible things that could go wrong tomorrow because I feel I'm not ready. I apparently have no proper jeans tomorrow, I forgot my one and only belt, and my black shoes are ruined so yeah. I'm trying to not let it affect me negatively because I want to be relaxed for tomorrow. But I am in a state of anxiousness. I hate myself sometimes and wish I was more normal

[January 5, 2025]

my heart feels heavy again. my mind's racing and i feel like running away

[January 4, 2023]

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i need a bit of luck nowadays

[gapjacket]

Why do I always do this to myself? It's seems I'm stuck in a toxic cycle whenever I get stressed and I just collapse. I had lots of stuff to do because I have 4 deadlines tomorrow and I haven't started any of it. I'm tired and drained again. It just seems that whenever I try to be consistent, my energy gets zapped from me.

I went to the rooftop earlier. Felt the sun on my skin, the cool breeze, and walked on the pool steps. It felt peaceful. I think I need to do that more often, it lessened the tightness on my chest. Even for a while.

I had a day to myself last Saturday, and I did enjoy myself. Because I've been slaving away on school work. But why do i always regret it? I should've been working on my assignments instead and maybe I wouldn't be having an anxiety attack today. It's just so tiring to want peace, to relax, but at the same time you know you can't. Because the minute you stop, everything just piles up and my mind and my heart is just so fucking tired.

Anyway. I showered, dressed cutely, and about to eat dinner. I hope that after this I feel better. Here's to an improvement of my state of mind. Cheers

[November 18, 2024]

my heart feels heavy again. my mind's racing and i feel like running away

[January 4, 2023]

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I hope none of you disappear in the coming days. Seriously don't do anything that can't be undone.

[gapjacket]

Felt so anxious today because of the stress from my school works and I am just damn drained. I ate, cleaned, and showered which made me feel better but I suddenly had the urge to cry 20 minutes before a meeting. And I just thought, I can't handle this alone. My old methods aren't working anymore and my chest just felt so fucking tight.

So I listened to a guided podcast about anxiety and panic attacks and my god. I bawled my fucking eyes out, I can't remember the last time I cried like that and it felt cathartic. My eyes were fucking swollen when I started the meeting, but I did it. I managed to pull through.

I dunno if it's just that I'm too busy or I've been pushing everything down and tonight just was the best time but man it felt good to cry. I was sniffling and hiccuping and just totally arghhh

Anyway, I still have lots to do with so little time to do it but I'm kinda proud of myself

[November 6, 2024]

my heart feels heavy again. my mind's racing and i feel like running away

[January 4, 2023]

[gapjacket]

reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)