garbageivereleasedintothevoid

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

09-27-21

One of the first dreams I can remember having was that I was Link and I had to climb to the top of an icy mountain and then I didn't know what would happen. But when I got there, there was nothing and I just wandered around looking for whatever was supposed to be there. Everything felt bleak and hopeless. Like I had just gone all that way for nothing. I don't remember what happened after tbh.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

I used to have dreams that I was going to have surgery performed on me without my consent. I was pretty young with those dreams. Those are some of the worst nightmares I have ever had. In more than a few, I always escaped partially and was trying to find my way out but doctors and nurses kept chasing me and I was so scared the whole time. I was like 4 the first time I had one of those. The nurses always had these evil smiles on their faces. Like they were so happy to be able to do this to me. It scared me so much. I was so terrified...

Another one I've had frequently was going back to seaworld. I only went once and it was the one that used to be in Ohio. But I think I feel guilty and that's why that one keeps popping up again here lately. When I was younger, these dreams were fun. Now they're just sad.

I used to have dreams about being kept as a zoo animal too. Usually with a bunch of other kids. And we would usually partially escape and go roaming around trying to find a way out. We'd never actually find it though.

Throughout my life, I never saw adults in a positive light. And then suddenly I was an adult. And I literally hated it. And I just... it's easy to see now that I was failed by many people. I should have been given help. My parents failed me, my therapists failed me, my teachers failed me. Someone somewhere along the way should have helped me. And maybe if all they'd done was neglect to help, I might have turned out somewhat capable. But each contributed to the trauma in their own way. Teachers labelled me as lazy and a liar. Therapists insisted I wasn't trying hard enough to "get better." Get better from what? Being abused?

And my parents treated me like shit. And I was told by everyone to just do what they say and it wouldn't happen like that. But no matter what I did it wasn't good enough. And very early on I learned that I was wasting my energy by even trying. So I stopped. I stopped trying because I knew it wouldn't make a difference. And at least then I wouldn't be exhausted and emotionally worn out from trying so hard. I started trying again in high school but I would quickly get burnt out from it all. I was miserable and wanted to die constantly. And not like I do now. Like literally was a thread away from the rope snapping. All. The. Time.

Add onto that how everyone told me I wasnt putting in enough effort, and I was basically doomed from the start.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

Another dream last night.

At first it was pretty clinical. Like I was in a clinic. Idk what for. But I was in the waiting room. Then I was like... in an apartment complex and some dude kidnapped me but I was very calm about it. And I pulled the fire alarm to get some extra time and hopefully help and that's when I woke up.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

Had a weird two parter dream last night.

First part was my best friend Eren started a minecraft anarchy server. And put me in charge of the queue area. Which I basically made into a second purity queue. Then we had like an irl benefit concert for it and like an actual like... popular band showed up and signed autographs and got people to show up and for some reason my cat was there and let them pet him. Idk. Was weird.

Second part was I was like... in prison for like being part of a revolution... or something. But I wasn't me. Like the person I was... was a skinny dark haired cishet woman. And I have dark hair but am none of the rest. And I was like left around two of the people I knew were part of the revolution so I assumed they were gonna help me escape but they started taking me to an area where I knew I would be surgically altered in some way. And I managed to avoid going into surgery by getting them to release my restraints under the guise of meeting my fate with dignity and then bolting at just the right opportunity. I made it outside and ran and kept running. I don't know what happened after that but I felt anxious and was watching my back at all times.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

I haven't had it recently but I used to have this dream... that I'd become one with the ocean and could cross these magical barriers. I was a small fish swimming away from predators. And I crossed into a safe area and kept going and became some sort of deep sea creature. I couldn't see much of anything. Just glowing lights in a pitch black void. Then I resurfaced and was some kind of large dolphin. Then I crawled onto an island suddenly I was human. I think. I was around other people and we were all competing on this island and I would go in and out of the water but for some reason they couldn't. They could only stay on land. And as time went on, I drifted further from them, into areas only I could reach. And I knew that the safe areas weren't around anymore somehow and I don't know how I knew. After that, the dream ended.

Sometimes I wonder why I have those dreams. And why I feel so drawn to water. Is there something wrong with me or is water just special to me?

It feels like my dream was telling the story of the world. I don't know why. Or how since the first time I had this dream, I had never heard of evolution or anything to do with it.

Sometimes I wonder if that's just written into our dna and only some people can access it and never directly. Idk. I wonder if it's connected to intelligence. I can't say for certain. It just... feels like what's happening. I can't explain it.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

Guess who's currently paying the flare up price for drinking too many carbonated beverages?

one time i was in a pub in london and saw lemonade on the menu and i was like mmmm lemonade!!! but i’ve been to australia and been tricked before so i was like hey is this actual lemonade lemonade or is it just sprite and she was like it’s actual lemonade so i ordered some and she brought it back and it was sprite. i hate england

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

05-16-21

Anyway, that got me thinking about my granny and when she died and how my mom wouldn't let me see her body. I know she had been dead for a week but... I think it would have helped me... accept that she's gone. I still to this day think I see her. It was far more common in the first few months after she died. But... it's what happened with my grandma too. I did actually see her corpse but she was so full of embalming fluid it barely registered that she wasn't alive. All I saw was a slightly bloated version of my grandma in that case. But with Granny it was... it was like she didn't even die. All I ever saw was her ashes. I hadn't been allowed. My mom also wouldn't allow me to go in to see my grandma when she was dying. She manipulated me into believing I couldn't handle it. But in reality it just made everything feel less real. Like nothing had even happened. I get that her health was so poor she didn't even know anyone was there but for fuck's sake, I was 16 when grandma died and I wasn't even allowed to make my own decisions about grief. I'd never been allowed to make my own decisions in general to be perfectly honest. Now when a friend has passed (which has happened a few times the past few years), I just don't even deal with it. I just pretend it didn't happen. And I know that's not really healthy but like... I don't know how to deal with it? Like sure I hadn't really seen Jasmine in a while but she was still a good person. And Whitney... while we weren't close, we still knew and respected each other. I feel like I've disrespected them both by not properly dealing with this. And that feeling is even stronger with my granny especially. Hell, she asked me ONE thing before she died and I had no power to make that happen. She asked me to make sure my grandpa (her exhusband) wasn't at her funeral. She knew she couldn't ask my mom to not allow that but how was I supposed to make that happen. What I guess my granny didn't understand is that my mom didn't actually respect my opinions on anything and always got her way. I did try to tell my mom and she told me to stop stirring up trouble. In the end, I just ended up telling him she didn't want him or Jane there and he got mad and told my mom. Predictably, Jane (my grandfather's wife) was understanding and my grandfather was not. Jane was always too good for him. She deserved better. Idek if she's still alive but if she is, I hope she knows she deserves better than him.

Even so, I just feel so inadequate for being unable to give my granny the funeral she wanted. It was just a lot of my mom going on and on about how upset she was. I was upset too. I was grieving too. Why was I the only one not allowed to express that?

I was the one who spent all my time taking care of her. Not my mom. Not my uncle. Not her exhuaband. ME. I knew that she said she regretted things before she died. I knew she said she felt too old to do better. I know that she likely didn't die of natural causes. I know she probably overdosed on painkillers. I know she thought about killing herself so often and that she felt guilty over it but she was in so much pain and she didn't see another way out. I know that she didn't want to hurt anyone but that she was in too much pain. I knew she questioned how she raised my mother. I know she felt she gave her too many special privileges because she was the only daughter and I know she believed she had made her the monster she is today. But I also know she did the best she could with what she had. And I am proud of her for admitting her mistakes when she could. And I know she believed in me. And I know she told me those things so I wouldn't fall back into my mother's traps once she was gone. And I knew I had to make sure that that wish got fulfilled. I lived, Granny. I'm here and I'm carrying on and doing better. I lived for you. But now I live for me. Thank you. I love you.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

05-16-21

Had a dream last night that I went to Sara's dad's funeral. And like, it was weird ngl. This is definitely a case of why tf did my dream make this so weird this is a completely normal thing. Ignoring all the weird shit about it, all I really did was show up, give my condolences to Sara and then leave. But the dream continued and it got weirder. Suddenly I was in Hyrule instead of earth. And I was Link?? For whatever reason. But also it was minecraft? It was bizarre. I guess I stopped at that funeral in between dungeons?? Because that's what I was doing. Trying to beat a dungeon. And the dungeon was hard too. After that I was like, just hanging out and then I woke up. Dreams are fucking weird

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

05-11-21

I had a bizarre dream last night. I was riding the school bus on a field trip with my high school teacher and... suddenly I realized I wasn't in high school when we stopped in my parents neighborhood. The neighborhood I grew up in... and i said to take me back to where I was and she refused and I ran off and she said I couldn't leave and I said she couldn't stop me and she said I'd get lost. And I told her I would just take the bus home. She told me I didn't even know how they worked and that this was my home and I yelled at her that I'm an adult, I have my own apartment that I pay for myself, I've walked all over town and taken every bus that exists and I can take care of myself and then I walked off. I walked over to Target (about a mile away) and walked into the women's clothing section to look at jewelry. And I walked past Sara. And... I stopped for a second and then walked back and said Hi. She seemed like she didn't see me or hear me because she didn't look over or say anything so I repeated myself a couple times and finally she said hello. And I asked how she was and she told me she was doing well enough. Hanging in there. And I noticed she was with some friends and I said "What are you up to?" And she said she was going to see a movie (for some reason shrek was on it's seventh installment and that's what they were going to see. Don't know why but the dream was what it was.) And I was like cool. And she mentioned that they were going to go get food right before and I think that was her inviting me along but the dream ended there.

Every time she's in my dreams, the world is 10x as vivid and everything is more bright and... I feel happier in them. And I know it's because that's how I feel when I talk to her or see her but it's been so long now and... I want to see her so badly. Fuck. I hate this so much. I just want to be part of her life.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

05-09-21

Just hung up with my friend Eren. I called and they were doing dnd and I tried to let them go and they said no it's cool we're taking a break so I tried to continue talking to them but they ignored me and talked to rhe people there and I stopped talking for like a solid fucking 30 seconds and they came back and said that's great and I was like "I stopped talking 30 seconds ago." And then they got awkward and I just declined to continue talking and it was quiet for an entire minute and then they said "Hello?" And I was like "Yeah?" And they said "I couldn't hear what you said." and I said "That's because I wasn't talking." And they said "Oh. Well, I'm gonna let you go." and I said "K." And hung up. And like??? They do this so often. It's like nothing I say matters to them. It's like they don't even realize I'm talking. Like I'm not even there. I'm about fed up with it. They eased up on it for awhile but now they're back on their bs with it. Like? How tf do they expect me to feel when I'm blatantly ignored? Either say you can't talk rn or fucking listen to me. Don't act like I'm not there when it's convenient for you to ignore me but act like I'm your favorite person in the whole world when you need support or someone to listen to you.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

04-24-21

Just remembered this... dream I had when I was like 12ish. This was before I was sure I liked women. I dreamt that I got pregnant by a woman and my parents hated that so much they kicked me out. And I then stayed with that woman's family. I remember going over to my granny's house in the dream and the woman who got me pregnant holding me while I cried in the driveway.

I also remember that after I had the dream, I told my mom about it and she tensed up and I was scared. She ended up trying to laugh it off and say I'd become famous if that happened but it always stuck with me.

I also remember asking my parents if I turned into a dog, would they make me sleep outside and my dad said yes. I should have ran away then. I always dreamed about running away but I didn't know the first thing about life or anything. I did pack a bag once and try to go out the door but my dad caught me and asked me where I was going and I just said that I wanted to go for a walk and he told me it was too dark outside and made me go back to bed.

Over time, I guess I just... believed what they fed me. That I was worthless and they should be praised for putting up with my existence. I never asked to exist. I didn't beg the universe to make me exist. But so often they acted like my sole mission in life was to ruin theirs. It's not my fault she never wanted kids. It's not my fault they had sex and conceived a child. All I wanted was to understand what was happening around me. And I couldn't automatically understand. That's not how it works.

I tried to learn. I tried so hard. But when there's no one there guiding you, or rather someone guiding you directly into the mines of the minefield known as life, you fuck it up a lot. There's no way around fucking it up.

I've spent so much time trying to figure out how I could have done better but ultimately, I don't think I could have, given the hand I'd been dealt. I think I did the best I could. And I keep trying. Ugh. Will I ever be good enough for that inner mirror?

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

04-07-21

Had a dream last night. It was really weird. I was in Sara's house. Looking at her stuff. Her home opened into the bathroom (in the dream. That'd be weirdas hell if it did irl since she also lives in an apartment.). And I heard her say something in the other room. And I came in there and she was on her couch looking at her phone. And I guess I must have panicked because I turned around and ran? But the weirdest part was that instead of me turning around in this made up home, suddenly I was turning around in my parent's kitchen and I was running toward what used to be my bedroom. Then I got under the covers and acted like I'd been asleep the whole time? Idek what that dream was. It felt like it was over before it began.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

04-01-2021

Bad nightmare last night. Woke up reliving the pain of... what he did to me.

The dream itself wasn't about that but he was in it. A lot.

My father... was not jewish. He was catholic. But for whatever reason he was Jewish in this dream. And taking me to a gathering of kavkazi jews (that's what group I and my mother come from) and for some reason we were meeting up in fucking Alaska. He took a bunch of people I guess were meant to be my family. But I didn't recognize any of them. And... we met up inside an abandoned mall at night. But when the meetings were over, we'd eat at this weird subway store and then just go camp outside in the full on snow with no protection. At one point I was about to be introduced to everyone and my father made a snide remark about how I was dressed. It wasn't spoken out loud but I know he expected to marry me off at this gathering. Like I was a princess or something idek. It was weird. And it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. The whole dream. But I was so... distracted by everything else that it didn't quite connect that it made me feel things.

I actually got along well with everyone there for the most part but I kept running into someone who is my friend. Her name is Sarah. I think she was meant to be a stand in for another friend named Sara (no h) though. And whenever I'd see her I'd become excited but she'd always warn me about him. And would be seemingly distant. Like she knew something was about to happen and wanted to distance herself from it while also trying to prevent it.

And I woke up after one of those encounters in a store and I was in pretty bad pain and everything was cold as ice. It's not too cold in my room so idk if it was just leftover sensations from the dream or what the hell happened.

Anyway, seems bizarre but I think I understand it. I think it was me processing that my father was very good at making me feel VERY bad about myself, without seemingly even doing much on the surface.

It was bizarre though, to think of my father as jewish in the dream.

But he was meant to be the leader of my family in this dream so it would make sense in a way that he planned poorly and kept making a bad impression on everyone else at the gathering and that they liked me just fine but saw him as rude and ill prepared. Kind of like reality. Where I felt safe and comfortable to be myself, I thrived. He had expected me to not get along and for him to be a respected leader there but it was the opposite. And idk.

In real life, once I got away from my parents and got to see the world as it truly is, I was... maybe not any safer. Hell, maybe even less safe... but at least I was living for me. And my reason for living wasn't just because I had to keep the family together. At a certain point, I no longer cared or viewed it as a worthwhile endeavor to try. Why bother when you don't even like the various members of your family and wish you'd been born to someone else?

The Sara that was meant to be in the dream showed me a lot of what I wanted out of life. Not just because I'm attracted to her and want to be with her (I am and do but... not gonna happen more than likely) but also because she encouraged me to get out there and find what I wanted out of life and to be who I wanted to be. She looked out for me. She showed me how to live life. And I think that's why she was there. To show me the path to a better life. Just like she did irl.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

03-26-21

Just remembered a time when I was a kid and by this point, I'd been bathing alone for a long time and my dad and I were home alone together. And he told me he was gonna bathe me and I was like "I can do it myself." And he said no I couldn't and that he had to do it. And I remember feeling so scared and weirded out and then during the bath I was shutting down and I don't remember much but I do remember begging him to let me take my own bath and he wouldn't let me.

I don't remember what happened after that. But the last thing I remember is shutting down in the middle of the tub and curling up into a ball.

He... really was a bad person... wasn't he? I have doubted myself this whole time. But... I just can't imagine a... non pedophilic explanation for all these things and how they made me feel. He really did sexually abuse me as a kid and I really did block it out.

That's three experiences I've remembered now that I can't realistically ignore or pretend were normal anymore. They weren't normal. And they weren't okay. And I did nothing to deserve them. And the worst part is that all three of them were framed as punishment. Like what kind of cruel monster punishes someone like that? It's disgusting.

I felt like I deserved it. I felt disgusting and like a terrible person for deserving something like that. All our lives we're told our parents are always right and only do things out of love. But sometimes that just isn't the case. And... teaching kids that parents are always right and only do things because they love you is such a horrible thing to tell a kid. It was because of people telling me that that I hadn't considered anything that had happened abuse. And it took me until now to fully believe myself. And even right this second I have small doubts and a nagging little bit in my brain that says maybe it wasn't so bad and maybe I misremembered and maybe I'm just making it all up. But at this point, I cannot feed that part of me anymore. I have to start to trust myself and my own judgement.

I was just a child. And my father violated me in ways that no human should ever be violated. And I absolutely did not deserve it. And my father deserves to be held responsible.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

03-04-21

Had a dream last night that I was playing on the vanilla anarchy server and suddenly I heard someone mlg water nearby then heard blocks being mined in my base. And I gathered up my best stuff and logged out before they could get to me. Then I woke up. Idk why this dream happened.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

I had a dream last night that I was riding the bus right before an apocalyptic situation. I had Yoshi in a cat backpack and was taking him to the vet for a checkup and for whatever reason instead of the bus it was those ski lift things but underground and I fell off. Yoshi was fine and unhurt but that was when everyone started congregating in that area and set up a small civilization. Somehow the rest of the world was fine but was only letting small numbers of the US in and everyone wanted in. I was able to get in but they caught me with Yoshi and I begged and pleaded and promised to do anything they asked and they did let me keep him but I was placed in holding with him and had to share my food with him and it was a filthy cell. I was so scared he wouldn't survive. And then I was woken up by a phone call.

[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

02-28-21

Had a weird ass dream last night. I was in a half minecraft, half real world. And I went into the 2b2t server and instead of it being the absolutely toxic hellscape it actually is, in the dream, it was a supportive, welcoming community. It started off with me going into a building to escape someone trying to force me to do parkour over the void. And it turned out to be the 2b2t queue and you put yourself at a pc and waited. And then you were in that world. But people were talking and having fun before going into the queue, which instead of happening as availability opened up like it actually does, in the dream, everyone went in at once. And then I easily escaped spawn and found a place where someone had placed like dozens of diamond blocks and I suddenly had full diamond gear and armor (which, as of right now on 2b2t is the best gear you can get, excluding additional enchantments) but I ran into other people who had full or partial netherite gear and armor and that confused me but I guess my brain didn't want the dream to be done because it quickly had the thought "I guess it finally updated to 1.16 and fit hasn't made a video about it yet." (since it had been stuck in 1.12 for so long and I get all my information from FitMC videos.) And I found a spot far enough from spawn that I felt safe enough to hunker down for a moment. And then the dream ended and I woke up.

But it was a remarkably good dream for being about a place on the internet I know to be extremely toxic as well as racist, homophobic, and antisemitic.