gataby

[gataby]

Kampong Mak Cili

A bee flew in through the door—wide open— buzzing about in its flight slowing ever so often.

I don't live here, and neither does she, and there is nothing here for her (but maybe a little something for me). I spent the afternoon chasing her out,

back into the sloping sun back into the wide open roads back where the birds call and the rivers run and turtles come to shore, back where at the very least there was a chance of making it home.

I don't live here, and neither does she.

But I hope tomorrow I have the privilege once more of showing her the way out.

[gataby]

Weekly day out: stumbled upon a kopitiam and decided to get a drink bcos lagi panas and lowkey getting a caffeine headache. Lady at the counter was like "要便饭妈吗？有猪肉" and like WOW hahaha I would love to but I just finished fish and curry noodles and am stuffed. It is nice tho, walking around in the middle of ramadan and finding all these spots where the chinese people hang out. At least I understand the language.

End of two weeks here! No terrapins emerged last night but the teh panas kept me up anyway. I'm slowly warming up to everyone, but I feel like I'm still only seeing a corner of all that they do, altho I do see the shadow of the machinations behind it.

[gataby]

Last night while sitting on a nesting bank, under a sky full of visible stars, waiting for two Critically Endangered Southern river terrapins to be done laying her eggs: I could be anywhere else. I could be having a holiday. Everyone's going to Japan, I could be there too. But no, I'm here instead surrounded by people who I can barely communicate with, collecting turtle eggs only to bury them later in the night, after having supper at a EPZ's house.

I also just got dodol from the roommate, a young bubbly kid who's kind and lively

[gataby]

No but this is what I came for: to see the work that they do, all of it. And there are things I can see is a result of the organisation, small size and general mess and a make-do attitude, staying afloat with an ongoing train of interns, finding opportunity to improve things wherever possible, tensions on a beach and all of it. I'm not here to not go through that; this is what I came for

Could take more photos tho

[gataby]

Crossing countries, sleep persistent in my eyes, everyone speaking in a tongue ku tak tau: this should be remembered. I am exhausted. I played three rounds of a game, I'm not sure how (or if I even need to) manage thie entirety. I'm glad I room with a relatable figure, I sorted bones and nails and fallen scutes. This should be remembered (edit from 14 Mar 2025: but not my typos!)

[gataby]

Where are my words? They won't flow — a drought I wanted to cure in the desert — I can start with a sentence. So, some thoughts:

1. What if — wild! — and why not be inconsequential?

2. I know, by now, to listen. I forget, and so now I scramble to remember what was said.

3. In times like this, I wish I had less peripheral vision.

[gataby]

A mosaic, but instead of tiles, it's just tiny sins? But also everything is monstrous, I am monstrous — too strong a moral compass in me

[gataby]

Short notes for the new year, since I'm away from my notebook:

Bamboo bat paper

Trip to Panti

Trip to Fraser's (in progress, taken out of my hands whew)

WCH10

Kota Kinabalu?

Mongolia

[gataby]

I never did write about Costa Rica, did I?

[gataby]

Hii!

I’m on a big project (Gomens personnal project :) i’m so excited!!) , I don’t know for how long and I’ll probably post less fanart so..

Here’s the last one I made. My god the shoot I had to do to have all the refs!! But I’m pretty happy with the result.

I heard some of you here liked long hair Crowley.. Is he getting dressed to go to dinner at the Ritz?

Bonus!!

It seems Az can’t handle it too..

[gataby]

Ok, listen—no, seriously—if someone ever stalked me so hard that they found this place, so be it. Every crumb was left by me. So be it.

[gataby]

So much I haven’t done, so much yet to come. Yesterday during the bike tour, we went by a statue of Søren Kierkegaard, and the guide told us a view he held: that we will regret everything we do.

I’m almost home; but it’s not home I crave. This trip has been so long; Paris feels years away. Even Netherlands - I blinked and found myself at the end of it. Did I really? Texel, Rotterdam, Hoge Veluwe, Amsterdam? All that second sight, gone with the wind.

And now Copenhagen! How exhausting it has been, falling sick again. This place is lovely though, bright in the day. The cityscape hasn’t been much to impress, sadly.

I did go to the Cisternerne today, which was the one place that I really wanted to experience. Air light time and space, am I right? And this was all of it. Would have been nice if there were more explanations, or more time for me to sit and read the guidebook.

[gataby]

My feet ache, my legs ache, I don't want to walk any more—! I need a nap.

[gataby]

Small things matter so! Reached Wolf Atelier early, and asked if I may wait somewhere, and the waiter was so friendly about it :")

[gataby]

Forest after forest - I had to keep reminding myself to look up, look out, stay here in the present, or I'd get lost in my head, negative, stuck still no turning back.

But real talk - I'm in a cabin in a lovely, lovely place (with some scary features, such as the sus underground basement, abundance of taxidermied animals, deep dark silence of the night, misty mornings, THE WOODS). We had the two friendliest guides today, both the kindest folk. And strolling through the woods, and dunes? It looks so much like a desert, 2ho knew.

Hoge Veluwe is such a nice place. Also, Texel and Biesbosch! I'd return to these places, if I could; such a pity the weather wasn't the best at Biesbosch.

Also, of the self in this sea of others - so what, who cares? I know I'm not the nicest, brightest, but ultimately it's a two-way street (straat, heh).

But yes. I get assaulted by feelings of alienness, not knowing exactly how or what to do.

[gataby]

Through other’s eyes, what I must be like. Increasingly I think that I’m at odds. I don’t know when and whether things can change, if it hasn’t by this point. And... maybe I don’t feel like it too.

I belong nowhere, and maybe that’s what I need.

But - reading the writings of another that I dreamt of being like, and the experience I have at work (stress, anxiety etc) isn’t unique. That’s motivating.

[gataby]

I don't know what I prefer: being alone, or being with these people.

Or not people, monolithic. People, select, and the mixed bag of emotions that comes out of it. On trips like this you see a different side of people, or so the story was told, and to others that may just be trivia, but to me terrifying.

And the mixed feelings about yet another one leaving! Will there ever be solidity beneath my feet? I came on this trip knowing I won't gain clarity, but I need it more than ever now. What's keeping me here and excited? More and more it seems like nothing.

There was a night way back in April, having to do a survey with an old acquaintance. I could sense her curiosity and yet I just felt - empty. Nothing to say. As one does these days.

I don't want any of it, it seems. We'll see.