I don’t like knights in the “glorifying a military police force as symbols of power, wealth, and tradition” way. I like knights in the “cult of chivalry and psychological fallout of raising sons to die like their fathers for a king they’ll never meet” way but also in a “swords and armor symbolic of the heaviness and impermanence of manhood” way.
beep beep sometimes when you have been in survival mode for a long time the parts of you dedicated to Wanting Things atrophy and you forget how to envision a future that feels rewarding because you are busy with the business of staying alive, and it can seem like your life must be pointless because you can’t imagine any long term goals. sometimes even when you leave survival mode you can’t remember how to Want Things. that doesn’t mean you need to give up on having a good and fulfilling life, it just means that Wanting Things is a muscle you need to gradually strengthen. the part of you that has dreams and aspirations is still there, it just fell asleep, but if you wiggle it enough it can and will regain feeling. it’s okay to start small