gender-homework

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KATHRYN JANEWAY as KATRINE in THE KILLING GAME, PART 1 / STAR TREK: VOYAGER S4E18

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[Tweet from @/fozmeadows: "human gender and sexuality are very much like animal taxonomy, in that both look structured and simple on the surface, but once you start investigating, it turns out there's actually no such thing as a fish despite the fact that we all know what a fish is, and that's okay"]

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Thinking about how well Bob’s burgers portrays masculinity. I see myself in so many of the characters - even before I realized I was trans

I think it so does a really good job of illustrating how they all embrace their individuality and emotions in such a real way.

Just so grateful for this show-

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HOZIER — Unknown / Nth | Finsbury Park, London (7th/July/24) ♫ video by @altheaflame

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Kurt Cobain in Cambridge, MA

April 19th, 1990

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Heath Ledger as Casanova (2005)

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Thinking about how every single show/movie that’s had a trans character how when I would watch it I would just hold my breath. Like this is such a precious thing. I need to examine every single detail & hold it close.

But also I was like kind of out of body - very aware of everyone in the room with me & their reactions to the character/storyline. All their subtle movements - did they notice that in me- could they recognize that how meaningful these characters are to me?

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i’m gonna say something controversial yet brave: sexuality labels are a convenient tool we use to define something that is undefinable

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something i feel like queer ppl have been steadily forgetting over the last ten years or so is that “genderqueer” isn’t a specific nonbinary term, or even a synonym for nonbinary - it’s an umbrella term that encompasses nonbinariness and more. 

any flavour of trans (yes including “binary trans”)? you can call yourself genderqueer. fem, butch, androgynous, drag artist, crossdresser, or in any other way gnc? you can also use genderqueer. detrans but not in a radfem death cult kind of way? you too can be genderqueer. “i guess i’m basically cis but my other queer identity impacts my gender in a way that’s hard to put into words-” genderqueer!

it’s entirely acceptable and normal to be genderqueer but not nonbinary or genderqueer but not trans. it means literally nothing but “i’ve got a gender that’s queer” and it fucking rules we should use it so much more

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Some things I’ve noticed at almost 2 months on T

My voice is definitely changing

I have new arm hair lol- it’s funny I have my regular arm hair & tiny little hairs in between

My eyebrows look fuller

Definitely more facial hair

Already seeing fat redistribution- my chest is smaller, I have less of a waist- it’s a little more solid - my wife is the one that pointed it out.

My face feels a little rounder

I can’t tell if it’s just my normal period cycle or the high sex drive has started - it’s not as crazy as some people have said but it’s definitely different than before

My period app says that it should be starting tomorrow - which would be so inconvenient so here is hoping that T has kicked in & it stops my period or at least makes it light spotting.

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My voice just dropped so deep today. I was just talking with my wife about my hip hurting lol & we both noticed it. And it stayed pretty low for a bit & then went back to cracking lol

It’s so funny how it just keeps shifting in & out.

But I can’t believe it- it’s like been 1.5 months -like what!

& then I’m just starting to process that I got that top surgery consultation next month.

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(for the purposes of this poll, consider "short" hair as too short to tie back, and "long" hair as long enough to tie back)

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I’m at this stage in on testosterone where there first initial changes were very exciting & I definitely felt/noticed them as something completely new.

And now a month and a half in- I feel like adjusted to how things are. So it doesn’t really feel like anything is happening

Even though I know it is- like my voice is definitely changing, cracking, I lost some of my higher register. It feels full in my throat for a day and then I get used to it

Bottom growth has initially happened- and it’s probably still changing but I don’t notice it. I know I have more facial hair in places I didn’t have before. But nothing drastically different

So it’s definitely happening. But I expect that it’s going to feel like this for maybe even the rest of the time I’m on T. Just so gradual that i get used to the changes as their happening

Also - I thought there was going to be a huge increase in sex drive. And I was actually a little worried about that. Not that I don’t like sex. But a lot of people made it seem like it would be so intense & all consuming. I’ve had absolutely no increase in sex drive.

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I never would have guessed being on T would make me feel peace with my femininity

I first came out as gender fluid & then realized I was more trans. And started using primarily he/him pronouns (& comfy with they/them pronouns) & changing my name & realizing I wanted to medically transition. All of which I’m still loving.

Throughout all of this I’m definitely non-binary in that I don’t think anything in life can be binary.

But lately- the past few weeks on T. I’ve felt like so much love and embrace towards my femininity.

Like before I came out. I was hella overcompensating and I was like- I am a woman who only loves women. I hate all men- they’re monsters. Like super entrenched in gender essentialism that was just rampant in the art history world.

And my relationship with femininity was almost hostile & very defensive.

And allowing myself to come out & face what I was afraid of admitting & slowly start to experiment with letting myself love masculinity.

And t has been pretty great overall. I am super worried about hair loss which has kind of overshadowed some of the things I like with T . But I love it

But I’m most surprised that I feel like this love of being afab- but not in like a way that I have to prove it to anyone. It’s just within me.

& it’s made me really feel and love that being trans is just this expansive experience that just builds and changes and grows. The whole point of it is the journey, and letting myself feel all the contradictory and complex feelings. Instead of assigning rules to them.

Anyway. Didn’t expect that to happen

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2 weeks on a low dose of T & what I’ve noticed

My biggest thing I’ve noticed week 2 is rosacea flare ups. When I went through puberty the first time I didn’t get acne but I just remembered my rosacea was awful. & it has been flaring up maybe 2 or 3 times a day

I’m noticing something with my voice- but it seems like it’s too soon - occasionally it feels a little buzzier in a deeper way. Maybe that’s what resonance is?

I haven’t noticed much else with bottom growth after that initial change on like day 4

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I’m so happy I started HRT. So fucking happy - it feels like I had been holding my breath- or shallow breathing my whole life & I just finally relaxed and was able to take a deep breath

I wish I could have started sooner- but I am so happy that I’m on T now.

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Woa

So I’ve read a lot of Testestrone, people’s experiences & it could have just been idk a placebo but I threw me off in the moment

So usually I cry when I’m feeling frustrated, or scared. I had a pretty emotionally challenging day today at the dentist. And afterwards I was feeling like my body was betraying me. And my wife was giving me a little pep talk & usually in this situation I would be crying.

Nothing. Yeah - I felt sad I felt scared but my throat didn’t burn I didn’t have to try to hold back tears only to have them fall & shakily try to talk keeping my voice steady. It just didn’t happen. And honestly I was able to process it all a lot faster.

Because every time in the past when I would cry I would feel ashamed (my parents would yell at me for crying - especially when I was “in trouble”) and I would have to recover from that as well.