gendlia23

[gendlia23]

We're on our way to forever. That wasn't even a thing 50 days ago. Wow. Lets go, Babes!

[gendlia23]

Here is no better than there...for when there becomes here you obtain a new there, which again looks better than here.

[gendlia23]

I dont think I have ever wished someone lied to me before. I wish he lied. I wish I didnt know the real reason he stood me up on our very first date, which of course happened to be on our "one month anniversary". He could have told me they were on Lockdown. He could have said any number of reasons; he could have even tried to make up some ridiculous excuse, but he didn't.

And I technically should respect that and appreciate that because he knows I ALWAYS want the truth. Even if it hurts me. Thats what I told him. Thats always been my philosophy on honesty and it's hard to struggle with that right now. My feelings are contradicting my own beliefs. My heart is challenging my mind right now and feeling so conflicted has my heart pounding a little bit and I'm having trouble breathing properly. I'm not crying anymore so that isn't why I can't breathe right. It's like I'm forgetting to breathe. I keep catching myself holding my breath and I have to remind myself to breathe.

I'm going to try to focus on the fact that he told me the truth and try to use that as a way to try to calm down and I can't even believe saying this, potentially give him another chance. Somehow, I think there's no coming back from this though. Of course that was my initial thought. We're done. It's funny too cuz we joked just yesterday about how he still had over 40 days to ruin it. And he did. Or is it could have. Thats the decision I need to make.

He sent me an email, but I don't even want to read it right now.

I feel bad I didn't say goodbye and I shouldn't. Especially since twice I said I would just talk to him later. He knew I was crying. I didn't want him to hear me cry. Tho maybe I should have so he knows how much he hurt me.

It's ridiculous that I'm even considering giving him another chance. I know that he isn't accustomed to considering someone else's feelings, well I assume anyway, but he is usually so incredibly considerate of my feelings, so I really don't understand it.

HE scheduled the date. It was HIS idea to bet on the game...to WATCH the game. We were supposed to watch it together over the phone and he said he couldn't call me because the battery was dead and wouldn't charge so he was disappointed and so he went to sleep.

I asked him "So you couldn't communicate with me that you were going to sleep? You CHOSE to disappoint me, too?"

What he took from me I will never be able to get back.

He took away the possibility of Happily Ever After.

Ughhh. Hès calling. I suppose I'll answer.

[gendlia23]

I did not indulge yesterday...at least not with a partner anyway! Ha!

We did, however, talk about what one of the fantasy scenarios would look like and also made a plan to make it happen in the future. With a code and everything so I'm ready.

Todayyyyyyyy, thooooo. Today I very much indulged and very much enjoyed my time with Harrison again. And with ice, which is always a fun twist. It wasnt even hot this morning like it is now. It's treacherous! Summer has finally begun in my world.

With him its always soooo good! And it's always still new and exciting even all these years later. Still often, still GREAT! Still adventurous. Still no strings or drama. Still pretty damn amaaaaazing almost every time!

I neverrrrrrrrrrrrr want to give him up. I don't think I ever will. At least not by my choice. I haven't been in a relationship for several years and that is a veryyyy conscious choice that I continue to make over and over again. To be fair, the people usually make that decision for themselves but it's been well over a decade since someone has even captured my attention and interest. And Junior.....

Well.....Junior has. Today is officially one month since we began talking and I have not only spoken to him everyyyyy day but more than just once per day everyyyyy single one of those days. The fact that I even know how long it's been is crazy enough in itself. I've already told him regardless of what happens with us when we do finally meet that I won't give up Harrison. He said he won't ask me to. We shall see if his opinion on that changes once he knows me intimately.

And on his end, Harrison, he's been in a couple relationships in the over 8 years we've been engaging in sexual therapy with each other, and he has never given me up either. I have no idea if he shared that information with his partners or potential partners prior to a commitment or not but that is of no concern to me. I used to have a rule, and I technically still do just it doesn't apply to him cuz I was with him first, that if their partners heart would be broken if they knew about me then I wouldn't indulge. Of course, I can only take their word on that knowledge, but I believe I could tell by the way they spoke of them if they were sincere or not.

I've got quite a few rules, and very rarely do I break any of them though I do believe at one point at least they have all been broken. Unfortunately.

Its a general set of rules...more like guidelines.

#1: The cut off date is 1989.

And ohhhh mannnnn did I break THAT rule once! And it took 2 years for me to do it, too, but I did it! And he is an AMAAAAAZING person, and I truly do wish nothing short of the ABSOLUTE BEST for him! He played Cribbage, too!! What shall I name him? Chicago. Yes, that is perfect. Chi was born the year I graduated high school and that was extreeeeeeeeemely difficult for me to cope with.

[gendlia23]

Another day in the ongoing sitcom that is my life. Another one from the very distant past is here and the sexual tension is innnsane! I haven't thought about it for several years and in that time I have come to see his as someone else but I know he wants it sooo bad.

Do I indulge? I'm sure it would very much be gooooood. Infinitely better than the just couple times in the very distant past which was a verrrryyy different life. I was a veryyyy different person.

I haven't even fully decided who the person that I am going to be next is. This is my opportunity to create her. Hmm. Whom shall I be?

Shall I be Bonni B?

[gendlia23]

Unfortunately the messages are gone, the super scary ones. From Johnny Long Legs. I'm happy he realized they could potentially come off scary and ultimately decided to remove them, but the fear was still placed in me when I saw them. That never went away and it probably never will altough it is only sporadically that I think of them.

And I know he knoooows that I saw them. The last message that shows does touch on him wanting to marry me at some point, but it wasn't scary or threatening in any way. The last message is actually fine, and I can share that now, but I would have to go back and search for the super scary ones which were the ones I had intended to post if any....because I really can't make this shit up!

My life is absolutely a movie....several, in fact. It definitely would be better depicted as a series though, I think. There have just been soooooooo many chapters in my book of life and the range of situations is so incredibly broad and the experiences I've been involved in, whether intentional or not, are sooo unrelated when considering most of them.

The culmination, however, is the entirety of my life and the reason I am who I am, and why I am who I am is crucial to understanding whyyy I make some of the choices I make. I am extremely unapologetically me.

I do feel badly that I wrote his Facebook name but the fact that it isn't his real name makes me feel less guilty about that. Originally when I started writing there was no need for secrecy as it was intended to assist in finding my murderer if I was indeed found murdered.

I do obviously acknowledge that I could potentially die any number of ways, though only a few are realistically probable. Unfortunately, if I think of myself one day being the subject of Murder Porn, what I refer to True Crime Stories as, I can see the circumstances being any number of very differing situations.

[gendlia23]

All I can think about right now is so if I were to die tonight whether it be from natural causes or from being murdered then the police would have to reconstruct at least the previous day of my life if not further and that would just be that's terrible report for my father to read if he were to even do that. You know honestly, I don't think he would want to unless he absolutely had to. I don't think he would want to know and considering not only the choices that I've made today but also the circumstances that I've created for myself and also the ones I’ve allowed myself to become subjected to today are absolutely ridiculous.  Absurd.

If I wrote my feelings on any given subject that I experienced today in my life it would be absolutely ridiculous.  And not one person even knows of the entirety of the insanity that is my life. There are serious topics that absolutely no one knows anything about. There are other topics that too many people know too much about. Ohh! I forgot to add completely accidental. And for that matter also unintentional. I was just reminded of the third option that I thought of, not that there couldn't also be many more, as I even just thought of a fourth, but it was only the three that I initially thought of and then I couldn't even remember the third when I wrote the two but I immediately decided it didn't matter enough to try to remember.... And I was just reminded of the accidental because I just heard what sounded like it could be gunshots, but I know they weren't, but still reminded me of the possibility thereof.

Stop.

One of the people on the murder list, Murder Suspect List, is Mark who is in the kitchen washing dishes currently...potentially and presumably his apology however it could be to use as ammunition of some sort.  Besides the air fryer basket, the remainder of the dishes are his and he certainly doesn't need to wash it. That would be his choice. And he also used it without cleaning it several times. But I don't say anything about that. Nor manyyyyyym other things, but that wasn’t my point.  He did threaten to kill me one night and it was absolutely completely unexpected and even remarkably more uncalled for. Then when we did speak again, he told me that he would never actually murder me because I'm not important enough for him to go to jail for.

The first murder suspect would probably definitely be Johnny Long Legs. Lindsay can explain who he is.  If it needs to be explained upon my sudden death.  And Daddy, the one date I actually went on and I actually got rerady at your house and I was sooo anxious and you told me “Its dinner, not an engagement party!”…that’s the guy.  It was absolutely over after that dinner.  Done.  Dead.  No further chances given.  During dinner as a matter of fact.  But yeah.  That’s really all my dad would need to know.  All I would really want for him to know.  I never saw him again. 

But yeahhhhh…there’s definitely a story and an in depth one at that, that actually did contain a very nice and sweet period of time.  I wish I could remember more of those moments but they were completely overtaken that night.  That scary date.

He fell in love with me.  Again I didn’t mean for that to happen.  Even several years later he messaged me one night and then another just soo soo sooo many times and it progressively got worse both in the length of time in between as well as the content.  The last group…that’s when it potentilly got scary and he was professing his deep, deep love for me and saying he wanted to marry me and IN ALL CAPS at that! Ooooh…I should upload the messages, screenshots of them. 

I don’t know how I have allowed to let myself get into these situations; its compleey just not even understandable even to me. And I am the one who makes these choices.  Over and over again.  I’m ridiculous.

Now Im thinking about Junior.  My newest predator of sorts.  I’m realizing I am prey and also simultaneously that I make myself prey.  I make myself available and vulnerable to these people.  Several types of people but definitely an easy target to certain, specific people looking for me to fulfill some need of theirs.

Like did I seriously just create multiple emails and send almost 200 pictures to a jail?  To be a part of a money making operation?  Like racketerring? Haha

Is that reallllyyyyy what I’ve just done ?  And not even realized for a few days what the repercussions and consequences really could be?

And no, he is not on the Murder Suspect List if anyone thinks that he is which would have been understandable but no, I just got sidetracked.

Im doing a force Forced Stop tho:

Sooo.  Johnny Long Legs/Bolgard Anderson (I think) on Facebook is #1 on the list for sure, and Mark is #2.  Although I don’t think its likely Mark will actually plot a murder like Johnny could but he certainly does have not only the most access as far as proximity but also in regard to opportunity of time.  What I’m thinking of is how a car accident is most likely to occur close to your home because a person is close to their home the most of mostly any other place.  That isn’t a good explanation but for now it’ll have to be the only information there is on my thought.  Until I process it.

I really do feel like I am in an episode of Orange is the New Black. Woww…

Well, if today was just one day in an ongoing series it would DEFINIELY have been a good day! Especially since Harrison was a part of it.  And wowww…THAT was fantasticccc today..Oh wowwww. That is NOT what this was about either.  But again…WOWW!

Another Forced Stop is needed.  Murder Suspect List.  That’s what we’re doing here.

I wonder what I should call this… Now that I’ve justtttt decided it’ll be the beginning of something in addition to a partial journal of my life…

I know I jumped a lotttt… I got sidetracked.  I apologize and will do my to answer any and all questions that are asked if they’re asked while I’m still here to do it.