gendyr - Tumblr blog

[gendyr]

July 23, 2021

i kissed them.

it really does get better

[gendyr]

May 24, 2021

dear tumblr

oh man i'm i lucky. i've been doing a lot better recently. worryingly so. i'm scared everything good is going to be taken from me.

im doing well in school. i'm getting along with my mom. she let me get a haircut and dye it pink. school is almost over. i can talk and think. and people at school are nice.

so nice, in fact, that a girl today gave me a note. she's a cis bi girl, sweetest person in the whole class. the note informed me that people in the class were talking shit about me, and also asking if i used a new name because she had noticed my new pronouns in my instagram bio. she was assertive and honest. even though it could hurt my feelings, she told me people were talking about me. i'm glad she was honest. i wanna be like her.

i never new people could be so nice.

goodnight tumblr

[gendyr]

May 13, 2021

i think i may have feelings for a friend. maybe. it's hard to tell the difference between platonic and romantic feelings.

i think i dont, but then i watch her try to explain math to me and my stomach feels all funny and my head gets hazy. she then asks if i understand what she just explained, and of course i lie and say i vaguely understand it, when in actuality i don't understand it at all.

we would be really cute together. the trans masc, adhd, art major lesbian together with the trans fem, autistic, stem major lesbian. it's honestly perfect.

but unfortunately i have a huge fear of commitment, honesty, love, physical contact, and just someone caring about me. i wish i wasn't traumatized. then i would be so sexy and awesome.

we constantly flirt with each other, although i've been doing it for a while she's only recently started. however, the more serious it gets, the more upset i become. my brain doesn't know how to handle it, so my first instinct is to lash out and tell her to shut up. not a good trait, i know. i'll probably have to make a character just to handle that.

i'm doing alright, though. don't worry too much about me.

goodnight tumblr

[gendyr]

May 12, 2021

i'm trying to get better. i really am.

ive come up with a new coping mechanism, and as stupid and pathetic as it is, i think it's gonna help me more than any other coping mechanism. i have created characters, each with their own purpose: trauma holder, protector, comforter, etc (heavily inspired by the alters people with DID tend to have.)

they help me a lot. i used one today to calm me from a panic attack. it was incredible how useful it was, feeling like someone cares enough to sit and me and tell me everything's gonna be ok.

oh boy now my cat is yelling. i'm gonna go.

goodnight tumblr

[gendyr]

May 4, 2021

it's may!! life is, ok. i'm not actually writing this late at night, but rather during school. i'm having a hard time concentrating. but that's alright, i'll get my assignments done soon. my grades are the best they have been all semester, and right now i only have to focus on finishing a late british literature assignment. my teacher is very nice, so i don't think she'll mind too much that it's late.

i'm still scared about what my mom said, but my therapist reassured me that it came out of a place of fear for me and for her life, not out of hatred or selfishness towards my dad. part of me is starting to believe my mom actually cares about me, which is a nice feelings

[gendyr]

April 27, 2020

despite what my therapist says, i doubt more and more everyday that my mom loves me. tonight in particular, i feel unlovable.

i heard my mother yelling at my father tonight. she said he doesn't love me because he tried to kill himself.

i don't know what to do

[gendyr]

Apr 19, 2021

dear tumblr,

the heavy feeling is back, and it's getting worse. the best i can describe it is i feel like a heavy, wet towel has been placed on my face and back, and the only solutions are to ignore it by staring at my phone for hours or to lay in bed and succumb to the weight.

it used to only be here at night. but now it's here when i wake up, during school, after school, and even when i'm trying to sleep. i just feel awful all the time. before i could at least sleep and wake up knowing i'll feel better. now i don't know what to do.

i skated today. the cold air was nice on my skin. it woke me up. i actually felt something.

i'm not sure why i feel like this. i think it's depression, but why? is it because i'm inconsistent in my consumption of my anti-depressants? is it my ptsd? my possible adhd? anxiety? dysphoria? my mom???

i plan to ask my therapist about this. hopefully things get better. at least i don't have to worry about the act anymore.

goodnight tumblr

[gendyr]

April 11, 2021

dear tumblr

i wanna be close to my mom but i don't know how. i feel so bad for being trans. i ruined everything.

i have a doctors appointment tomorrow. i believe it's see how to stop my anxiety tics, but i'm worried. both of my parents are gonna be there. do i tell my doctor i'm trans? what good would it do? i'm not even sure she would be accepting.

but that's why i've been having tics. well, that and my shit relationship with my mother.

i'm so scared of her.

another shit thing about my life is that i feel like a lazy piece of shit. i have my second act test in a week and i'm gonna do bad again. and i am behind on homework and no matter how long i work for there's always work to be done and i'll never be caught up and i'm so stupid and tired and hate my friends but love them too and they are too good for me and fuck i hate my life

goodnight tumblr

[gendyr]

Apr 7, 2021

hello tumblr

i am dealing with suicidal thoughts. i'm not suicidal, but the thoughts still hurt. i feel like i'm in eight grade again, confused and hurt, not knowing why i want to cry every night for no reason. i'm on anti depressants, why do i feel like shit?

i think my therapist would say "no shot your sad. your parents emotionally neglect you, you were r**ed and you're trans. pills aren't gonna fix that." she's probably right, but it makes no sense. why the fuck would i feel shitty on a random wednesday night. i'm fine! i was fine all day during school. maybe homes the problem

actually that's not true. today my art teacher encouraged me to work faster on my piece and gave my tips, which made me so anxious i started getting tics and stuttering. what the fuck.

what the fuck am i doing with my life. does anything makes me happy?

at least i won my first game of solo bedwars today. it was the first game i ever played :p

goodnight tumblr

[gendyr]

apr 4, 2021

i never thought i would actually come out to my mother

originally never as a lesbian, but it seemed like moments after coming out a faced a new challenge: gender

i hate the cliche-ness of it all. i've seen the same joke on tiktok shared over and over again. "haha i figured out my sexuality but now i need to figure out my gender" ive never found this struggle so amusing.

my first mistake was asking for a boy haircut. this happened around 9 months ago. i knew i wasn't a girl, and my long blonde hair was a staple of my femininity. asking for it to be replaced with a "boy haircut" upset my mother, even though i truly intended anything but a pixie cut.

this term would resurface two nights ago, when i begrudgingly asked my mother for a new haircut because my summer looks had been left alone for too long. "not a boy haircut. i don't want you to be a boy."

i tried to argue, but the latest advancements in my every growing anxiety symptoms (vicious tics) got the better of me and i retreated to my room.

the next day i asked her again. "is it a boy haircut?"

"what do you mean by that?"

"i don't want you to be a part of a that subculture."

"what subculture?"

"trans subculture."

"..."

"are you trans?"

"yes"

i could see tears in the corners of my moms eyes, but she quickly hid them. she refused to be sad. she wanted to be angry, ashamed, and embarrassed.

"i'm not a boy," i tried to reason with her, hoping she would believe i was "girl" enough to stop caring.

"what are you?"

i tried to explain in comprehensive terms that would make me cringe the least.

"i'm... something in between?"

"i know what non binary is."

i wasn't. she began a rant full of "irreversible damage," guilt tripping, and dismissing my feelings. i remember a particular moment where she pointed as if her finger was a magic wand and said "boom! your non binary! why does it matter what you are on the outside?"

then it was over.

today is easter, and we pretend everything is fine. maybe everything is fine. every since that interaction my tics have lessened.

it still feels surreal. i can't believe my mother knows of something so personal and shameful about me.

goodnight tumblr