genesisz

[genesisz]

[genesisz]

bro last night was totally redacted! last night was fully expunged from the record. bro, do you... can you remember last night? what did we do...? what did... did we hurt someone? bro? why won't you look at me? what did I do...? whose blood is this...? bro...?

[genesisz]

like how is it almost july, it feels like last month we were all together. probably bc we all still think and talk about her bc she’s with us, but why am i still waiting to see her again

[genesisz]

it does not feel like it’s been a year since mello’s passing

[genesisz]

constantly thinking about mello, i really really wish we had a grave or something in her honor to visit, idk so i can feel like im visiting her so i can bring her gifts or talk to her and i know we dont necessarily need a place bc i think about her all the time and can just talk about her w my cousins or look at a picture but i just want to feel near her in some way like this is designed specifically for her. her birthday passed and i love that even though march17th is its own holiday for me it’ll be her day all the time and i can choose to spend it in a way she probably wouldve wanted. so nice to have spent it with kristy and seeing her again finallllllyyyyyy as if i were seeing mello again and mello loved spending time with others and it made the day so much better, i love her so much

[genesisz]

why am i just realizing that my brother kinda brings me down infront of other ppl for a laugh, a true hater fr bc when were alone the jokes click but all of a sudden he wanna talk down liekeee okeeeeyyy

[genesisz]

her 20th birthday.

twenty…. its all so close

[genesisz]

dream about mello felt so so real and so odd like why is everyone acting normal but we all knew the elephant in the room… but as if fake death was immediately acceptable and if that had happened irl and no one would dare question it bc atleast we have her back, i could believe it but in my dream i was so defensive about it i was so angry and yet so relieved and happy i wanted to hug her but no one was moving a muscle… and i didnt either.. i wish i did i wish i could go back in the dream and hug her but why even in my dreams i cant change my actions its all stagnant even irl and i hate that bc i wished i had done more when she was here and even in my dreams its all the same, how do i remember her everyday and how can i honor her with no memorial she deserves so so much more even now

[genesisz]

oh mygod reading what i wrote in may made me feel worse idk all i want to do is talk about about her so i feel closer to her bc now more than ever ill never get the chance and all i wanted was to be close to her and everyone else to begin with but im so exhausted of just hearing the same things? and doing the same things

[genesisz]

like hopefully we go see my other cousin in indiana bc i needdd the company, i want to see them moreee i just wanna do stuff and not spend my days in silence THINKING also bc love herr i wanna know more i can’t believe shes going to the army like i see it but scaryyy and itll be so long before we see her again, shes doing amazingg

[genesisz]

like i really wanted to stay w my cousins and just talk, i loved being around them its so comforting and idk whats appropriate to ask 18 y/os like im so nosey and i feel like ther so private, i be oversharin a tiny bit and sometimes i think that was too much but maybe its okayyy idk i love laughing let me laughhhh i love being myself around family i can mexican laugh and make jokes, i just want to be close but the youngins are already close w eachother nd im just old LET ME INNN

[genesisz]

thats a

lie sometimes i dont be talking but i love when ppl talk and then maybe i get to talk too and atleasr im not alone

[genesisz]

i need everyday of my life to be filled with people bc when i am alone i am not gooodd i just want to be around everyone i wamt to talkkk

[genesisz]

going to unpriv this post as well, bc going on this app reminded me of them so i got kinda saddd, but i do mind! would they even be there for me? nope, i hope we rekindle but im letting it go, i think i let it go for awhile now, to the point where i forget just how close we were, i just dont get it, and i dont think theyll ever bother to explain, some sincerity would be nice only if they truly feel it!

i miss one of my besties, sometimes im not sure if we r growing apart or did already even tho i still think we can always fall back into our friendship n well esp this person ill always thank nd be ther for, i dnt mind if its not the same thats oki, ill still cherish the past [even tho i v much understand & respect the distance!]

[genesisz]

crazy bc yk what.. i do have a newfound appreciation for religion and idk its nice to just let yourself believe in something, and for me that something is just what i want it to be, anything nd everything, also bc i love my virgin queen, i thinks its more cultural for me but if ima believe in someone, itll be a woman!

[genesisz]

i read that back and suddenly ~dont care~ anymore idk maybe just respect that idc abt church religion or one god

[genesisz]

ive been thinking about religion a lot lately, whether i believe or not, what do i believe in? do i have to believe? do i want to believe? something my brother said to me when i was young was “you need to believe in something” back then i kinda thought that meant in any religion, just pick one, but later on i kinda figured that meant just not to follow what your parents or other people tell you, but that you truly believe it or feel something? im kinda confused abt how people go to church and listen to someone talk and pray, do they feel something? and maybe they dont but it at least works for them. it does not work for me, i dont feel anything, i kinda just listen and pick apart what they are saying and end up mad bc i disagree so i never even get to listen to the entire thing. i also cant take them seriously singing up there, sometimes they go hard fr, i be jammin but other times im like? do they really gotta do all that? but also that must work for them and thats great… just not for me. waking up to do that? no thank u. it just genuinely does not interest me, i dont care for it all. its not for me. its not something i want to do, spend my time on, i dont see the point. i truly dont see the point. out of so many religions, i dont want to continue to learn about christianity/catholicism, i just think theres so much more therefore why stick to one thing? not to say thats necessarily what you are doing when u partake in ur religion but if i were to invest my time into something i rather it be something new, not what i grew up with and not what surrounds me now. do i want to invest my time on a new religion? no, not a priority for me atm, i kinda dont even get it. are we…using this for guidance? following/educating/believing certain sentences to guide your life? i can definitely understand that part and get it, but the parts about God and the idea of worshiping essentially a man seems a bit crazyyyy…. i just cant do it man, which ofc not everyone is taking it that seriously….i think… idk… ive only been around people who r pretending to be serious about and people who are 100% about it, so yea ppl im surrounded by have influenced why idc, but ive tried giving it a shot, i just dont really feel like lying or being hypocritical anymore. i believe theres definitely more out there, and the possibility of Gods, for sure ( i prefer virgin mary if ima believe in anything its gonna be a woman! ) but also like im not gonna take it too seriously…. like… its not that serious… also when i say that like i fw w her but its not like im praying to her, i have and pray for others in the sense that i wish for such and such but like never for myself. i think thats still selfish maybe, but im jst not really saying Dios or someone just in a general sense, which works? why not? omg dont get me started on repenting, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN? i think we all hope bad people get whats coming to them but also mistakes are mistakes, youll be fineee you can have self awareness and apologize, living and learning is basically what youre doing but i rather do it w/o the extra stuff, AGAIN if it works for others thats great, i dont think its taken that seriously anymore unless ur a hardcore old person but again growing up and seeing it or being surrounded by it is just like ughhh whateverrrrr ill probably ask around to people my age to see the point of view but idk i think the guidance part is nice but maybe like reading it? not so much living it and going by it, bc well…. ima live my life and ima rot if i wanna rot, i just dont wanna take it so seriously, i feel like if you arent kinda serious abt it then whats the point? other than pleasing others or a lil hobby. i need someone to ask me questions to see figure out what i believe in bc i think i know i feel like i have some answers but also maybe i dont

idk tbh i lost my point tbh, but i believe in myself, one thing ima do is think it through and act or dont act ☝️