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You brought me peace.

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Let’s move on na.

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Tamang hinala

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One of the moments when I feel so bad but tears just won’t come out. It seems like even my physical being is tired of being sad and has exhausted all it’s ways of coping up and showing emotions.

I just want to watch a very sad movie and force myself to cry. Maybe after doing so, all my worries will be washed away.

Self pity. Overthinking.

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Had a breakdown last night. I just felt like giving up in life in general. Been questioning myself why does this always happen to me? Will someone ever truly love me? What’s wrong with me?

It’s as if my heart was covered in a rubber ball and felt hollow inside. I just can’t prevent my tears from spilling out.

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Once you become contented of what God lays out for you at present and stop placing high expectations, that’s the time your heart and mind becomes at peace.

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I can’t even make myself write something yesterday.

Tired of giving myself false hopes.

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Tiring day but this is better than last year.

Thankful for the gift of life.

Asking for guidance on career decisions and making them in line in my plans in going back to my church duties.

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I prayed to God and thanked Him for another year. I looked back and reminisced all that has happened in 2019. T’was indeed a very impactful year. Lots of learnings, setbacks, downtimes, late night thoughts, insomnia and a river of tears, days with nithing to look forward to and lots disappointments with myself but also a lot of hope, opportunities, blessings and dreams which came true. I prayed for a better year ahead and made myself fully trust in whatever God’s plan is.

I greeted someone a happy new year before I went to bed (just to take a risk again) and just trusted the Lord. I no longer waited for a reply. I woke up receiving the same words I sent and that was it. End of conversation. My heart felt heavy, I can’t make myself get up and face another day. I stayed in bed for another two hours and finally had the courage to go on with the day by putting my trust in God.

I travelled to the Metro to once again go back to my responsibilities. I felt like crying. I also felt my heart become heavy and even wondered if I’ll ever be loved by someone again or if this year I’m going to be valuable and be able to meet the standards I set for myself, if I’ll be good enough. I’ve been having these episodes usually late at night. I didn’t expect I’ll be feeling it at midday. To ease what I’m feeling, I just listened to ballads and then placed the thoughts at the back of my head and kept thinking to trust God’s plan and I will no longer place high expectations on people all the time and learn to be kinder to myself. I’ll also begin to control myself from being overly attached.

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“

Tell me darling, would you still love me If I told you about the monsters I need to sing to sleep every night?

If you understood the way I need to tiptoe across my own mind so I can fall asleep before daylight?

if you knew where the nightmares came from, if you saw my scarred soul, would being with me terrify you?

If you knew the full extent of the damage they have done to me, would you stay, would you still want to?

”

— Nikita Gill, Questions I Am Too Broken to Ask

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“She wanted to say ‘Don’t leave me,’ but she couldn’t do it, not again. She was so tired of begging people to love her.”

— Kristin Hannah, The Nightingale (via theliteraryjournals)

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Mabilis dumating, mabilis din mawala?

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Stitches

It took me awhile to get back to writing what I felt Pain radiated from body every time I tried

I felt like an open wound, a deep laceration– blood pouring out with each word I wrote

I needed to get stitches to keep me from further falling apart, time to heal band pick up the broken pieces

The sutures have been removed but I’m not completely healed The scars are here to remind me of the pain

It will be awhile before I can trust again, to wear my heart on my sleeves And hope for the best Until then, I have myself to rely on

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Masakit sa heart pero hanggang dito na lang talaga