getanepipenidiot-blog

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

NV

I’ve never had the kind of night you gave me. Thank you for caring for me. Thank you for being a perfect gentleman. Thank you for showing me how I should be treated on a daily basis. You have the power to completely break my heart and I cant give that to you. I’m fucking terrified. I’m crying right now thinking about having my heart broken for the second time this year and I cant do it. I’m strong enough to handle it. It’s gonna fucking break me if you don’t care about me the way I have always cared about you. I just want to feel your arms around me again. I need to feel your head against my chest again. I need to feel your lips against mine. I want to have you lean back against me and up against you and just listen to you talk. I could listen to you talk for hours. Just don’t give up on me just yet.

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

E-

I want the emotional side of it.

He just appreciates and it fills my heart so much that I cant remember a time I was so happy.

He writes property of Sepulveda on my ass with sharpie.

He started stocking IPAs in the fridge because he knows I like them.

He leaves me pieces of gum everywhere cause he knows I like the spearmint not the cool mint.

He notices when I got a bruised knee and asked if I had gotten it from trying to get something out of reach “cause I do that a lot”.

He remembered I had mentioned eating like 3 cheeseburgers a week and when we got to Montecito it was to a burger joint.

I think he sticks the towel In the dryer before I get out and use it because it’s always really warm when He hands it to me ( I need to stop forgetting it on the bed every damn time).

The slow dancing on the beach to Thomas Rhett.

When he says “That’s my girl” under his breath during clinicals when I do something right.

He lets me fall asleep on his chest

I m pretty sure he puts that wool scratchy blanket on me when I accidentally fall asleep studying in the middle of the day

We just nap together sometimes. It’s not always about being on all the time and flirtatious and having sex. We got to just crash after clinicals.

The fact that he gave me that beer sliding scale regarding whether I wanted to do our arrangement.

- And the fact that when I drank all 3 IPAs he asked permission because grabbing my face and kissing me outside on the sidewalk.

The fact that when I give him shit he gives it right back to me.

When he kisses my skin because I think he knows how insecure I am about my stretch marks but I’m not sure.

The fact that he knows all the lyrics to Jump Around. And sang if front of me while he was driving. That was hot.

He never lets me drive. He always lets me nap. I once drove to let him sleep and he looks so damn cute with his arms crossed and head hanging down.

I like the fact that when he drives he almost always reaches over to grab my hand

The look on his face when I gave him the keychain. He just took the gift and hugged me. It was a an keychain and he hugged me.

I love the “just because” face kisses

The fact that we just sit in the car and talk about life. I love the way he lets me stick my feet in his lap and stretch out. I could talk to him for hours.

He lets me sit on his lap and give him a hug and just listen to his heartbeat. It calms me and when I sigh he usually runs his hands through my hair.

When he’s with me he’s 100% present. It’s like she doesn’t even exist. He never makes me feel cheap or used.

When he sees me he almost always asks how my day was.

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

Never beg for someone’s attention.

You need to stop giving your attention to the people who don’t want it. In this case Nathan.

Don’t you fucking DARE sleep with someone like that. It will fucking break you.

He’s clearly shown his cards. Now what you’re going to do is put all your chips in the middle and fold. You don’t want to do this anymore. Take a deep breath. Don’t cry. Remember that you can’t force people to love you- erase everything. Erase every little memory and token because you need to move on now.

You can’t do this for another year. I’m not kidding when I say itll fucking kill your spirit if you do.

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

It's not the same.

Our friendship. It doesn't feel the same.

You act differently now. You're more reserved now, in what you talk about and when you talk and how you talk. It breaks my heart that you don't talk the same way to me. I crave the old you. I never really appreciated it until it was gone, I guess. I miss your overzealous behavior, and I miss yous, and our endless conversations about nothing. It's like pulling bloody teeth with you and that's not what I want. It breaks my fucking heart that I feel like I can't me myself around you. I don't feel like I can come and complain to you about anything or just tell me how your day was.

You have never once asked me how I was doing. I'm crying just writing this. I really felt loved by you before you know? The way you act and treat me now makes me feel empty inside. I used to feel pretty and special and important. I don't feel like any of those things now.

Why can't you just text me because you miss me? Shit. I don't feel good enough because I compare myself to all these sorority girls: blonde, glitter, skinny. I know I'm pretty I'm just not in the same ball park anymore.

Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't think I'm pretty? I wanna be with someone who can't stop looking at me because they think I'm pretty or cute. I want someone who wants to hold my hand.

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

I'm never going to find someone. My heart still loves him and there's nothing I can do but wait until it unloved him. I don't find anyone else attractive. I don't really want to give any of the guys my attention. I can't believe you don't realize you have my love and don't even want it. It feels like such a waste of warmth and love. It makes me feel worthless, useless and unwanted. And ugly. It makes me feel not pretty enough. I'm a joke. Jokes on me.

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

no more Nikita please. No more contact with him please. For the sake of your own damn heart.  He doesn’t care about talking to you anymore.  Like it’s completely obvious now. Just stop it. You look desperate and silly and obnoxious. You look fucking stupid. You are not this kind of girl. You don’t just keep texting a man who doesn’t want to hear from you. That’s not you. You are EVERYTHING. You are the sun, not him. Christina Yang said that remember? It’s 100% true.  Leave him be. If he wanted you, he would have done something about it. Workload means jackshit to a person like me. I haven’t fucking slept in 2 and 1/2 years. He can shove his excuses up his ass.  Walk with that fire behind you. 

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

Joey was a perfect gentleman.  Came and picked me up.  Waited at the gate for me.  Paid for the drinks.  Never let the conversation die.  Dropped me off.  He just didn’t flirt with me or do anything with his body that would make me suggest that he was interested in me. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just over thinking everything. 

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

You know what gets me the most. What hurts so fucking bad. It’s not the fact that I literally get nothing out of our FWB, which when you think about it I really don’t. I get no physical touch- no kisses, no hand holding, no hugs. I get no verbal praise- no “you look pretty today,” “congrats so far on school,” “I like it when...”. In fact, I don’t even get an actual response to anything. I just get a stupid smile to everything I say. It’s like talking to a brick wall. It’s like there’s no stimulating banter or conversation with any topic. It’s like you’re vapid. There is no substance to your personality anymore. What’s the damn point in being friends with someone who doesn’t really get you?  Since when did you get so bad at emotions. They’re really not that hard. You just say what’s on your damn mind.  I asked you such a basic question: Why keep me around? If having close relationships with people are such a burden, why am I here?  You said 2 things:  1. I am someone who contributed to the person you are today  2. You want to know how my day goes I think I overestimated the value of my position in your life. 

Those are not the things I was looking for. All you had to say one was thing: anything along the lines of “My life is better with you in it”  You didn’t say that because it’s not true.  What I have the damn problem with was the fact that you wouldn’t let me sleep. It wasn’t good enough just spending a little time with me. I was so tired and yet you had to get something out of it.  You played the whole “ I wont see you until December”  It was like emotional blackmail. You were basically saying “you’re the one leaving and you’re gonna deny me this?” 

I felt guilt tripped. And it felt like a slap to the face.

I felt cheap and like dirt when I got a few finger thrusts and you unzipped your pants.  I felt cheap and like dirt when I said that I didn’t really feel like sucking dick and you were quiet. You didn’t say “you don’t have to if you don’t want to”, “don’t worry about it”, I don’t know, gone back to kissing me.  I didn’t have it in me. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t feel love enough to want to do it. I didn’t feel special enough to want to do it. I didn’t feel wanted enough to want to do it. I don’t get anything out of this FWB that it shouldn’t even be called FWB, it’s just you being sweet because you want something, getting what you want, and then walking away after you get it.  I feel for the trap of just wanting to damn well please you that I lost sight of the fact that my feelings, needs and wants matter too. 

Kyle:  - holds my hand  - Kisses my cheek  - grabs my face when he kisses me - gave a shit about what I liked/didn’t like  - he cared to remember I liked it rough and gave it to me  - I asked to just be held for 2 minutes and he did and kissed the top of my head  - he forced me to look into his eyes as he came  - he asked if he could make me come immediately after he did. I didn’t even have to ask - He picks me up  - He actually wanted to have sex with me  - He literally said, “Here’s the deal, I’ll make the right turn if you give me a kiss”  That literally was the sweetest, cutest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. All you wanted from me was a kiss (well at least at first)  I couldn’t believe that someone who could so sweet to me. I don’t care if all he wanted was to get his dick sucked. I don’t care. He literally made me feel special, wanted and pretty that I didn’t mind giving him anything he wanted.  He goddamn even took my bra off and appreciated the shit out of my tits, jeezus christ THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT. The sucking, squeezing, biting and slapping. He just stared at them so appreciative, holy shit i’ve never had someone like my body so much.  I try to tell Nathan that he looks fine the way he is and he brushes it off, I tell Kyle that he’s cute and he likes it and tells me that.  That night we fooled around on the streets of Springtown was the best night of my life. You know what the best part of that night was? It was the fact that you knew neck kisses made me delusional and you kept doing it. The fact that you took my arm and pulled me back to you multiple times and the fact that you just kissed me. I loved being pinned to the wall, hair pulled, arms put above my head. Holy shit that felt so good. I’ve never been with a guy who actually made me feel both good about myself and literally made me feel good. Like I didn’t feel like some unpretty girl only good for one thing. He called me cute. He called me funny. He did say that he liked me. It’s the little things. He appreciated me. He wasn’t even drunk. He took no for an answer, but he really wanted it. God was he hard up, but still. He had a girlfriend. I knew I fucked up, I was too interested in feeling appreciated and wanted that I let it interfere with my morals. 

Kyle had a girlfriend and yet had the decency to treat me with respect. He literally wouldn’t call his Uber until I was dropped off first. He disobeyed my direct order to stay by the sidewalk and walk me to the gate saying that he had to “make sure I got in the house okay”.  Nathan has never once paid for anything, never once offered to drive, never once waited to make sure I got home okay. He has never texted me to make sure I got home okay. Kyle made me text him to make sure that I got home that 2nd night. The second night was awesome. He let me just talk and laugh and enjoy myself. He watched me the entire time I went into that gas station. Is it so weird that I'm so damn impressed with just basic decency. I've been trained so damn wrong thinking that the way Nathan treats me is okay. Nathan should have yelled at me the night I said I was drinking and I drove back to the house. A person who gives a rats ass would have cared. Kyle would have cared. Damn. Thank god for Kyle. Thank you Kyle for showing me that 1. I can handle a FWB, and let that go so easily because he had a girlfriend. I can do the casual thing. I could do the casual thing because I was treated properly. I completely support his decision of cutting me off. Completely. Do I wish he'd change his mind and text me so we can sext, hell yeah. But I'm not caught up in wanting to be his girlfriend. Nathan sucked. Like if that's the way he treats all his FWB, then he's gonna die alone. He's never gonna find a woman to be honest. And that's not my problem anymore. I don't care about wanting to be his girlfriend. Caring whether or not he's eaten today or not. Whether or not he's mentally okay. Whether or not he needs a hug or a handle of vodka. I can't care anymore because it's gonna totally destroy me. Loving him has in fact destroyed me. I'm mean. I'm cold hearted. I'm a sarcastic bitch but when I love someone I love them 200%. It's his loss that he never gets to see that part of me. The ridiculously happy niki. The I give a shit about you niki. The niki that wants to hear about your day and work stories. He hasn't earned that Niki. He's been getting my love for free these past 9 months. Screw. That. Kyle deserves every part of me if he wanted. If he wanted me he could 100% have me.

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

I’m in the phase of listening to Country love songs...  I’m in love with the feeling the music makes me. 

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

I don't think you actually like me. Not really. I've never been called cute or pretty. I've never been smiled at properly. You have never once tried to hold my hand. I can't remember the last time you actually hugged me. If you're not even the slightest bit attracted to me, why the fuck are you still fucking around with me?

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

My prediction for him.

You're going to meet a girl where you have witty banter and flirt and talk legal jargon with. One day you're going to realize you want to ask her out because you're in love with her. You're going to fall in love with one of your best friends at either law school or at the office at work and it's gonna kill you everyday to not kiss her. One day you're going to end up drinking and end up sleeping together. It was meant to happen. You'll start flirting more and start sleeping with each other and then you'll finally screw up and she'll hate you and then you'll make up and you'll ask her to be your girlfriend. Years of dating go by, the whole family loves her. She's witty, bright, kind and somewhat of a spitfire. She's going to have long straight blond hair, skinny frame, high heels, ex sorority girl type. Beautiful beyond belief. She's going to cook you breakfast in the morning, make you coffee the precise way you like it, and wish you a good day at work. One day at work you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with her and you go out and buy her ring. Not too flashy but not so mediocre. She's not like me, she likes glitter and gold and flash so it's a clear cut diamond for sure. You guys go through the motions of what being in love feels like. Since you don't know how to be actively romantic, she takes what she can get from you and eventually demands the bare minimum from you. She says yes to your proposal because she wants the marriage, family and kids part of her life now. And you guys live happily ever after. I imagine such a boring clear cut life for you guys. And that's where I feel like we're too different. I want messy, I like messy. I want cheesy romance and sappy text messages and singing in the shower and witty banter and playful chases around the kitchen. I want real fights where I jump on you and never let you go and you pick me up and throw me on the bed. I want a fiery life. I don't want to go through the motions with anyone. I want what Damon gave Elena. That's what I want. And I'm not settling until I get it. I just realized when I tried to text you that we have nothing to talk about anymore. I was gonna hope that the LSAT classes were going well but that's about it. It is what it is. I don't want to have to talk to you for the sake of talking to you. And I don't want to say I miss you when you don't miss me back. That's just weak and I won't have any of it anymore.

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

September 9, 2017

The valuable lessons learned. 

- Falling in love with someone who does not love you back has the potential to fuck you up.

- When someone asks how you how you are, they don’t really care 

- It’s easier to not give a rat’s ass about anyone. That way no one can let you down. 

- If you just keep your head down and go through the motions and I’ll get where I need to go. 

- Everyone has a personal agenda: You’re just a convenient way of getting it

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

Walls and hickeys are hands down my favorite things in the world. I found that out real quick. Just in case anyone was wondering lol

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

I fooled around with Kyle and holy fuck it felt amazing. He literally felt so good against me that I wish I could have a repeat of the other night.

Fuck dude. That was what I needed I just didn’t know it.

Being thrown against the sidewalk wall with my hands over my head. Him using both hands around my neck to kiss me. His body on top of mine grinding on me and getting to feel his dick get hard, yeah that was fun as hell. I honestly had never been that wet before. I was practically soaked and I wasn’t wearing any underwear. And out of all that he wanted to hold my hand and kissed my cheek. I’ve never felt both turned on and adored at the same time and I love the feeling.

He has a girlfriend and it frustrates me. The fact that I’m guilty of hooking up with a guy who has a girlfriend means nothing to me, I feel like I’d do anything to have his tongue down my throat again or to have his hands rummage through my hair and grab my ass. Holy fuck did I love it.

I wanna keep fooling around with him. I wanna keep fooling around for all the days I have left in Livermore. He said that he knew what he would be missing out on if he gave me up and that he's not happy about it but that it was the right thing to do. I would give my left kidney for him to kiss my neck again.

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

I fell in love with someone who didn't love me back and I've been running ever since.

[getanepipenidiot-blog]

I extended an olive branch to apologize for being a brat. Up to you to see it through, since you're the busy one-