getoutofmyphunk

[getoutofmyphunk]

Call me a prick.

I'm angry. Im only left with 2 weeks and I still couldn't train to run. Worse I'm so sick again at a crucial period. Shouldn't have gone for the weekend trip. Should have just let him go on his own. Both having downtime due to lack of rest and the fucking state of quality at that place, really speechless. So much for 'I want u to rest before you enlist.'

[getoutofmyphunk]

What.

I should stop being so clingy when I sleep from now. Offended. I just held his hands to sleep and the aircon is fucking switched on and he still complained it's hot. Didnt even wanna hold my hand already. After what I went through the weekend to fulfill his shitty trip to Batam. Dafuck. I purposely switched on extra hours and lower down abit more. Hope you have a good sleep.

[getoutofmyphunk]

Not into it

Honestly not at all looking forward to this short trip. Cause it's not for me. Its him because it's in his nature to just go on an impulsive flight. I'm gonna be in soon and all he could think abt was going to JB with some our friends or if not Batam to meet Y & daughter. Didnt we travelled all the way to JKT to make it up to her?

So the short break is not for me to enjoy luxuriously at home on a weekend neither to spend quality time with each other. Fuck it. Just give what he wants now so he can shut up. His bday also coming up anyway.

[getoutofmyphunk]

Oh gawd.. though I know I'm not that bad looking, I wouldn't state outright to the entire world that I'm pretty, even though its quoted by somebody else. Her confidence is just on another level. I cannot.

[getoutofmyphunk]

Resentment Remedies

Me being insecure and having extremely low self esteem is not news. Given how many times I've changed my site names and recreated my social accounts. Definitely frustrating and troubling. 

I asked myself why the fuck am I like this? It wasnt fair that I was solely putting the blame on someone else when I played the major role in the issue. How did I get from fucking bad to worse?

To be honest I had not a damn clue on how to get better either. Like the only thing I was good at, playing victim so people can empathize and manipulating them to feel guilt ridden and responsible for their actions. Monstrous? Yes, I know. 

We weren't born a monster. Circumstances created a monster and the monster stayed because they could never forget the pain. 

But I'll try to be better. I'll fucking try.

[getoutofmyphunk]

Conviction

This got me fully convinced to not wear my hijab from today onwards. 

Been sitting on it for god knows how many fucking times and this comment was what I needed for strong conviction even though it puts me off everyday. This is it. All these while I thought to myself, I should wear it because he said he prefers me wearing it. I should wear it because I don’t want him to bear my sins for exposing part of my body.. etc.

I have lost every reason to wear it now. Plus I haven’t been wearing it for the reasons of loving God anyway but yet i find 1001 excuses to wear it because I think its just what I’m supposed to. My thoughts might fuel from unnecessary jealousy, but this is me and today I’m fucking sick of drowning in self pity. 

FUCK WHAT EVERYBODY THINKS.

Secondly, I exactly want what is going on over in that photo. 

I exactly want another man, definitely not Ami, to comment on my instagram like that and me replying to him that way because its just me. Thats how I am and I wont even feel a little bit of guilt about it. When I shared to my confidants and they’re like, “Aiyah you know how Amirul is, always melayan but dont mean anything..” 

So that makes it okay? Because its him right? Its his nature to do it right? Clear cut right?

Then I think its super okay for me to do the same as well. I don’t see why I shouldn’t do it because at the end of the day it doesn’t mean anything. 

[getoutofmyphunk]

No Title For You

I know my wedding wasn’t perfect, but I took responsibility right from the start to end. I have had help and utterly grateful to them. At least I know what’s going on in everything about my wedding!

And I vividly remembered your Father said this, "How come you're doing your bridal tray at Ami house? Where's your Father and Mother? Never help?"

Fark your Father's right in front of you and he just sits there watching the television and bark the shit out of himself! 

[getoutofmyphunk]

All The Fuckery

It was a rather much needed dinner. I incessantly fuxking ranted and guilt tripping them over the wedding expenses and all the shit I held in. YES I AM NOT OVER THE WEDDING EXPENSES. Not like I'm not fucking sincere abt the whole event, but it could have been fucking affordable. I wouldn't be so much worried about our house.

I guilt tripped them to the core to the extent I told them 'how much I hate looking at them till today because all of the money wasted, leaving us fucking poor trying to scrimp and save for the rest of our lives.' I was mad. They kept mum. Wasn't sure if it's because they realized what they did wrong or they kept mum because they were upset with what I said. But I'm going to hell for sure, nothing new there.

[getoutofmyphunk]

The Root of the Problem

I’ll always have something against Father for everything he put us through till now. I maybe one sided, but one thing’s for sure, its unfair for Mother. Of course, this wasn’t the only thing that drove her to a corner. Their marriage have all sorts of problems. Finance especially. 

I used to not understand why Mother is always neurotic & paranoid. Only after I had my first heartbreak phase, I felt I could relate. So I’ll end up blaming Dad for the cause of what she turned into. People change because of the things that happened to them. In this case, its his infidelity. They start live boxing & shouting match most of the time when they could. As kids, who wants to come home to these all the time? 

Thats why voldy and sis were barely home, filled with so much anger and unhappiness. I hadn’t had a choice since I was the youngest, dragged everywhere by Mother. At times, in the midst of them arguing I had to feign my chest pains and difficulty breathing so they don’t end up killing each other. But what i hate most, being used by her as a bait so they wont get divorce. Childhood was depressing man. I had wished they got a divorce. But they didn’t and I have to deal with the ripple effects till I die.

Mother forever will hold the grudge till her grave, that’s why shes just stubborn making everyone else’s life more difficult than it already was. Ami getting used to ignore all these things that he sees at home. He already understands why I watch a lot of TV. My coping mechanism. Subconsciously I’ll have something against Bibiks. I know not all maids are husband stealers. Its something I cant help to feel. 

[getoutofmyphunk]

Well Fuck You

I decided to close the other tumblr down and repost everything else here. But it will be posted privately so only I could remember these fuck you details of our relationship/marriage.

April 12, 2017/ Sleeping the Anger

I came all the way to watch his campfire and my doubts crept in. I hate being in a place where i feel threatened.

Whats worse, he didnt even bother to send me off to the gate. When HE COULD! I came all the way and he didnt send me off, but he rather sit with his colleagues or rather Jess/ Rai.

I dont matter that much. Fuck you.

***

June 27, 2017/ All time low

Imagine my disappointment to have fetched him only to know he blatantly asked to hitch a ride from the female colleague i dislike to a course tomorrow. With such a bright and a wide smile, thinking its so funny!

Fuck you.

***

August 26, 2017/ Distracted you were

I am unsure if I’m being unreasonably pissed at this exact moment. We were about to leave N house and i was stranded with her mom and aunt at the kitchen cause they wanted to give they were helping us to pack food.

N, Y, F and him already stepped out of the house and they were already at the lift, I assume. None remembered that i wasn’t with them until like a long while. I dont mind that if the three of them forgotten abt me. But my husband? Why? Because F was there. Distracted by her hotness and beauty I assume.

He has never change one bit. Why did i get married again?

I kept calm cause i didnt wanna ruin the lovebird who just got engaged. After F left, I was disgusted with how intimate he started to become when there’s no other single hot girls.

Fuck you.

***

[getoutofmyphunk]

Kalau hidup nak aman sentiasa, kita hendaklah buang tiga perkara. Jangan tamak, jangan dengki dan jangan sombong. Sehebat mana engkau dekat dunia ni, bila kau mati, orang lain yang akan mandikan kau.

Ustaz Syamsul Debat

[getoutofmyphunk]

[getoutofmyphunk]

Don’t feel guilty if you’re the one outgrowing a friendship. And try not to judge your friend for not “keeping up with you.” Each of us must travel our own path, and we can’t be certain how long, and in what role anyone is going to be in our lives. But recognize that you are suffering a loss, whether of the friendship itself or of “the way it used to be.” Be gentle with yourself as you readjust.We human beings are constantly changing and growing, and change sometimes brings loss. Whenever we love someone, we risk the pain of losing them. But the alternative would be never loving at all.

staypozitive

[getoutofmyphunk]

[getoutofmyphunk]

Me: You think he can give you money monthly, when he keeps asking you for money?

Madre: Its my fault. If I knew, i never let him get married! My fault. He is in a bad situation now because i let him get married to the wrong woman. Now he doesnt have enough money.

Me: No matter which woman, he will still face the same issue. He does not have a stable job nor does he have any money then, what makes you think he has money now?

Madre: He has money then, he has a motorbike last time!

Me: Have you forgotten, because of that bike, you bailed him out of jail? We went up and down the courtroom with his then girlfriend which is now his wife? Have you forgotten that he borrows money from you so that he could top up his bike fuel? Have you forgotten how much he has borrowed my money too?! Have you lost your memory or what?

Madre: When did he do that? Plus he’s your brother.. 

Me: (*speechless, overwhelm with disgusts with her comebacks) Whatever, too much syaitan has possessed me just by speaking to you. 

[getoutofmyphunk]