gettoknowmysoul

[gettoknowmysoul]

10/01/2018

My recollection of us.

It was junior year in high school; I had lunch with two girl “friends”. I say friends in parenthesis because after we broke up Luciel admitted she never liked me, hated me actually and Kelly stopped being my friend because of Luciel (PS the fact that Luciel admitted she hated me immediately after we broke is why it was so devastating to hear you were going to senior prom with her). Anyway, the three of us left lunch early one day and walked towards the history wing where we saw you standing outside of your history class. I remember my first thought was, “Ooo he’s cute! But I haven’t seen him around. He must be new.” You started coming to lunch with us and that’s how we all became friends.

Changing scenes, I remember leaving my eighth period class in the new wing that branched from the cafeteria and taking the outdoor route back to the front of the school rather than my usual indoor route and I saw you. Once I realized that was the route you took after school to go home, I started taking the outdoor route rather than the indoor route just to see you. One random day, I assume once we became good enough friends through lunch (haha), we stopped each other and you allowed me to walk you home. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but you revealed later on in our relationship it was because another girl, Lianna once asked to walk you home and you turned her down because you weren’t interested. Anyway, I walked you home and you walked me back to school. On our way back to school, I said “It’s so cold, my hands are freezing!” I was really just making conversation, but you grabbed my hand and I swear my heart sank to my feet, I was so happy hahah I’m lame! Anyway, I didn’t have practice that day so a few cheerleaders and I went into the gym and stunted for fun, you stuck around. I just finished a stunt, ran over to you and sat in between your legs, I turned around and we kissed for the first time ever. Some days after that I received a text message from Colby who asked if we were dating. I handed you the phone and you shrugged. I responded, since the 1st (November 1st) because that was the day all of the above happened and you responded, “I would’ve said the exact same thing.” Fast forward to after we broke up, you said I took it upon myself to say we were dating...another devastating thing to hear. You made it seem as though you never wanted to date me to begin with.

Anyway, the next couple of months, until February to be exact, we found ourselves in a whirlwind of what I thought was genuine love, after we broke up and even till this day, I’m not sure if your love for me was genuine, but I can say my love for you was. I remember a bunch of amazing memories that still till this day makes my heart light up. I remember our late night phone conversations, especially the one where we told each other we loved each other. It hadn’t even been a month since we started dating when we both told each other we had something to tell one another. I didn’t want to tell you I love you first, but you made me tell you what I needed to tell you before you would tell me what you needed to tell me so I did and I remember you saying you loved me too, but you needed me to tell you first because you didn’t want me to say it because you had. I remember you telling me when you first moved to West Hartford you were in the shower praying to God for someone to love and to be loved by someone and then I came along. I remember the first time we became intimate, it was the day before Thanksgiving. You took my bus home with me, but immediately after you had to leave because my parents were coming home soon and we were going to PA. I remember telling you for the first time we should break up, it was because I was afraid I was falling for you, I was afraid of getting hurt. You were so confused, but you told me you weren’t going anywhere. (PS reason why I can’t believe you when you said you had no idea all of my suggestions to break up were out of fear). Anyway, I remember feeling relieved we connected well on that level; I remember being afraid we wouldn’t connect well on that level because we connected so well emotionally. I remember you sneaking out of your house, walking to mine and sneaking in through a ladder so we can spend almost every night together and I remember you sneaking down the ladder the next morning hahah I would go downstairs first to make sure my mom wasn’t by the kitchen window hahah. I remember you giving me a swarovski bracelet before Christmas because you just couldn’t wait. I remember you carving a heart with a plus sign in the middle on a tree for us, you wanted to carve our initials with me there...unfortunately we never got to it. I remember you told me you chose that particular tree because it was on the route we took from school to your house when our relationship began and you chose a tree underneath a street light so we’d be able to see it even at night. (PS I’ve gone back to that tree multiple times throughout the years to follow. I think the last time I visited that tree was 3 years ago. I haven’t been back since Carlos and I became serious and committed.) I remember you going home after school then coming back with a ham and cheese sandwich and some cheese-itz for me before a game. I remember my mom taking us to go get me birth control. I remember going to church with you and you going to temple with me. I remember so much!

Though I genuinely loved you, I never failed to pick fights with you. I didn’t pick fights with you because you did or said something wrong, you were always absolutely perfect to me. I picked all of those fights with you because of personal insecurities, which were caused by Weslys and Sergeo, the two boys I was interested in before you. They made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to be loved. So, throughout our relationship I picked a bunch of fights with you to test whether or not you actually loved me, because if you did you would fight for me right? In hindsight, that is absolutely ridiculous. Instead of fighting you and testing you, I should’ve just loved you and allowed you to love me, but I was damaged then... I mean, I’m still damaged, but now I know I deserve to be loved. Ultimately, all of these ridiculous fights pushed you so far away, you broke up with me and never looked back.

I remember the day we officially broke up. I ran after you as you were walking home, I kept telling you I didn’t want to break up and I love you, but you brushed me off as if I meant absolutely nothing to you. Before I turned around to walk back to school for practice, I told you I’d be waiting at home for you when you got back from Stamford. I remember that weekend I laid at home crying and listening to “Break Even” by The Script on repeat. That weekend felt like the longest weekend ever, but finally you were home. We met up at Eisenhower Park where I told you I still loved you and still wanted to be with you because I knew in my heart you’d be the one I marry one day. You responded, “so you mean to tell me of all the people you have met and have yet to meet I’m the one?” You also told me Andrea was your one so after that day I lied and told you Sergeo was my one. I never thought about a future with Sergeo, I just said that to not seem like the loser who got left and can’t move on while you already have. I’ve actually only thought about a future with you and now with my current boyfriend. Anyway, I guess I was wrong because here we are 8 years later, you’re married, but not to me...

8 years later and we finally talked about how we actually felt during and after our relationship. Though I expressed to you now more than I did then about how I felt about you and our relationship, I did not do so 100% and I wasn’t able to before you blocked me on instagram, hence this post.

First and foremost, how could you just block me? I guess the same way you were able to just break up with me and never look back...because you never genuinely loved me. I always thought our love was genuine, as I mentioned above, but throughout the years after we broke up you’ve always chucked our relationship up to be just a young fling you learned from, which is so incredibly hurtful every time you made it seem to be just that because I was actually 100% all into and for you. Now I know in our last conversation, you said you were 100% all into and for me as well, but I can’t seem to believe it. I can’t seem to believe it because of the events that took place immediately after we broke up. If you were 100% into and for me, you wouldn’t have brushed me off as if I were nothing when I ran after you after school that one day - you would’ve stopped and talked to me, you wouldn’t have had a fun weekend with Andrea in Stamford - you would’ve stayed loyal to me, you wouldn’t have brushed me off as if I were nothing when I tried to mend our relationship at Eisenhower park - you would’ve tried to mend our relationship as well. If you were 100% into and for me like I was into and for you, we would’ve gotten back together. Second, I had that conversation with you about us because I thought it’d give both of us closure and I guess it did give you closure because after that you blocked me, but it did the exact opposite for me. Instead of closure, our conversation reopened my heart to you. To be honest, I was better off before our conversation. Before our conversation, I held onto our memories, but that’s what they were, memories, memories of the past. Now, I can’t seem to stop thinking about what could of been and it’s so unfair, not only to me, but to my current boyfriend who is the first boy I’ve truly opened up to since you. Carlos is perfect; he’s handsome and talented and understanding of my family; he treats me like I’m a princess...

To conclude, I am walking away from you now with resentment. I resent you for breaking up with me and walking out of my life without a second thought leaving me completely shattered even till this day. I resent you for moving on by getting married and having kids before we had a chance to clear up how we felt about one another then and now. Don’t get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for you for finding happiness because you more than anybody deserve it, but I resent you for finding it without me. 

All in all, I don’t think I will ever have closure from you and for that I resent you. I also resent you for blocking me, again, as if I were nothing.

Goodbye.

Addendum: Our conversation took place Saturday night. I felt an immense amount of pressure weighing down my mind and heart all day Sunday and Monday. In fact, all I did Monday was sleep. For that reason, I went back to writing and wrote this post. Immediately after I finished writing this post, I confessed to Carlos our conversation and how it made me feel. It wasn’t until after my conversation with Carlos that I felt at ease, at peace. You reentered my life and flipped it upside down, making me feel like a weak and vulnerable high school girl again. I don’t know what I would have done if Carlos weren’t here for me, if Carlos and I didn’t have a strong enough bond where we could communicate anything and everything with one another. Carlos reminded me I wasn’t a weak and vulnerable high school girl anymore, he reminded me I’ve become a strong woman. Maybe everything does happen for a reason... Because if things worked out between us, I would have never met Carlos - my rock, my peace of mind, my better half.

I will never forget you and all of our memories because you were the first boyfriend and my first glimpse at love, but I will no longer allow you to affect my mind and heart. I deserve more than what ifs, goodbye Kevine.

[gettoknowmysoul]

02.12.2017

I met this boy when I was in eighth grade, Weslys. I was head over heels for him until I was a junior in high school. Over the course of four years he completely destroyed me, made me feel unworthy of being loved. Junior year I started dating Kevine, a real gentlemen. He showered me with love and affection, but I didn’t know how to accept it. I picked petty fights to assess whether or not he’d fight for me because if I was worth it he would; eventually he decided enough was enough and left me. I was hurt, I lost a good guy and it was all my fault, 100% - he was perfect. You’d think that would’ve opened up my eyes, but no. Five years later I met Carlos, another real gentlemen. Though he wasn’t perfect, he showered me with love and affection as well. Again, I didn’t know how to accept it so I picked petty fights to assess whether or not he’d fight for me. After a year of being together I guess he got fed up. This past Friday everything I said or did was a problem, one thing lead to another he left me, literally left me...moved back in with his mom. Losing Carlos opened up my eyes to the fact that I had been subconsciously allowing Weslys to ruin my current relationships with amazing men, not boys, men. Fuck Weslys and the mind games he played on me, I am worthy of being loved. From this day forward, whether it be with Carlos, which I honestly hope it is...or with another man, I vow to not allow what happened with Weslys so many years ago affect my ability to accept being loved the way I deserve to be loved. 

[gettoknowmysoul]

04/29/2016

I like him, a lot; and for this reason I feel weak and vulnerable. I don’t like feeling weak and vulnerable; when I do, I detach. I told him I was no longer going to talk or see him unless he needed me. It’s not what I want, but in order to not feel weak and vulnerable, it’s what I need. I’m going to stick to my word, unless he makes me feel it’s okay to be weak and vulnerable with him because he likes me a lot and he won’t hurt me.

[gettoknowmysoul]

04/12/2016

Him: “You’re such a princess.” (In the context of during sex, I like to get, not give.)

Me: “Go get another chick then.”

Him: “You just got me real aggy. I can get another chick real quick, trust.”

Me: *Begins crying* “I hate you for saying that. Let me get ready so I can take you home.”

Him: *Pulls me close and holds me in his arms* “Please don’t cry.”

Me: “No. I told you can’t trust people, especially you because I don’t know the females you surround yourself with so you saying that reinforces everything.”

Him: “I didn’t mean it how you took it. You just don’t understand how many girls I turn down and dead because I’m talking to you. So it’s insulting for you to say that.”

*At the end of the day*

Me: “I’m sorry for saying ‘go get another chick then.’ I figured other females were interested in you, I just didn’t realize you were dodging all of them for me. I appreciate that and you.”

Him: “Thank you for realizing that.”

---

I am so incredibly happy we are able to genuinely communicate with one another because through genuine communication a relationship may prosper. I think I may be getting serious about him...<3

[gettoknowmysoul]

04/04/2016

When romantically involved with someone, I don't know how to just be happy. I create problems that don't exist. And eventually, I ruin the relationship.

[gettoknowmysoul]

03/29/2016

CMR - the most genuine guy I've ever been involved with. He likes me and I know that for a fact; I don't have to question his intentions and that means the world to me. But, at the same time I can't help it, I'm too accustomed to being taken advantage of, taken for granted, being used. For this reason, I have an intense wall built up, which is why I think I will end up alone...💭

[gettoknowmysoul]

03/20/2016

I'm getting my period sometime next week. I am sure of this not only because of the color change in my birth control pills, but also because of how I am beginning to feel: not myself, over emotional and etc... I hate this.

[gettoknowmysoul]

03/20/2016

I've spent almost everyday with him for the past couple of weeks and while I've grown to like him more and more, I think he's grown to like me less and less. He seems to be taking our time together for granted, but what he doesn't understand is I've chosen to give him my time; I've been neglecting others. I feel it is time to shift my focus, back to my sister, brother and nephews. Time to eliminate my presence in one life to enhance my presence in many others.

[gettoknowmysoul]

They say everything happens for a reason, but she was looking for the reasons.

Him ❤️ (03/17/2016)

[gettoknowmysoul]

03/13/2016

Scars from past experiences beg me to not believe him, but I feel like I should. To be honest, I trust him. When he tells me something I feel it in my gut to be the truth, but I can't help myself, I have to question him, my gut, just everything considering everything I've been through in the past.

[gettoknowmysoul]

03/08/2016

I've been feeling "not myself" since Sunday 😔

[gettoknowmysoul]

03/04/2016

So there's this guy who I've been "getting to know" for the past two months; and in those two months, he has taught me so much. He has taught me it is okay to want more than just a friendship, but less than a relationship. He has taught me how to respect my emotions enough to vocalize them, always. He has taught me the importance of being confident. All in all, while he is lucky to be "getting to know" me, I am equally as lucky to be "getting to know" him.

[gettoknowmysoul]

03.02.2016

Life's too short to hold back, especially when it comes to relationships - both romantic and otherwise. For this reason, I always give people 110% of me; if something is weighing down on my mind or heart pertaining a certain individual you better believe he/she will know. Sometimes however, when I feel strained from giving too much of myself to someone, I tend withdraw with the belief that if my presence is truly significant to that individual, he/she will not allow me to withdraw for too long.

[gettoknowmysoul]

02.23.2016

As much as I hate to admit it I am an emotional person. However, I know how to control my emotions. The only times my emotions are able to control me are when I am hungry, on my period or sick. Right now, I am hungry, about to get my period and sick. So, my emotions are running wild and it is so incredibly annoying. All I want is to be babied with a little bit affection, but I'm not getting it. So, thoughts of exclusion emerge.

[gettoknowmysoul]

02.21.2016

In the eight months since I’ve been single a number of guys have shown interest. I however have not reciprocated the same interest towards any of them - except one. I met him about a month and a half ago. In that time he’s told me he likes me and enjoys getting to know me, however is not ready for anything serious. Most girls would not be okay with this, but I am because I feel the exact same way. Although I am not ready for anything serious, I also don’t want to waste my time on someone who doesn’t care about me. I think he cares about me, but he doesn't vocalize his emotions much or at all even so really, I have no idea.

[gettoknowmysoul]

02/09/2016

When my first boyfriend and I broke up, my best friend who I once “talked” to consoled me with the following statement: “he wasn’t ready for the love you are capable of giving”. I’ve come to realize nobody I’ve crossed paths with is ever ready for the love I am capable of giving. 

[gettoknowmysoul]

02/08/2016

The first and second guy I was ever interested in or ”talked” to lead me on for years. They both told me they loved me, but they weren’t ready for a relationship; yet they were always in a relationship with somebody else. They made me feel like I was never enough. After these two guys I built a wall. For this reason I messed up my relationship with my first boyfriend, the only guy I ever loved. I was so used to being taken for granted I didn’t know how to accept being wanted. A year and a half later I met my second boyfriend. I was ready to let go of the wall I built; unfortunately he had no idea how to date a broken girl, which is rather simple... It just takes reassurance. It’s been eight months since we broke up and I met this guy who I guess I’m a little interested in. There’s a lot of reasons why I’m into him, but the main reason is the fact that he’s so easy to vibe with. Most of the time when we hang out we just sit in my car and talk for hours, which I love. Tonight he told me he missed me and I said “lol stop”. Like really?! Who responds to “I miss you” with “lol stop”? I have no idea how he feels about me, but I think it’s safe to say he’s interested in me too. I just hope I don’t mess things up before they even start. Like I said, I don’t know how to accept being wanted. I just hope he doesn’t lose interest in such an emotionally guarded person.