getwellsoondeer

[getwellsoondeer]

idk i feel like shit, but not as bad ig. i want to write things down more, but im just not very comfortable with who can see this account anymore. it was nice before bc i could get things out and let my friends know how im doing without feeling like im directly venting to them, but now it just feels like it's done more harm than good. it feels nice to get thoughts out but i feel like it just does worse for my relationships than just keeping everything to myself till it's all figured out and done. i feel stuck though, like i need a social life to feel ok but i need to feel ok for my friends to be comfortable hanging out with me, so its frustrating going back and forth all the time on what the best option is. it doesn't help that still can't trust a single thought that i have and i have to challenge everything to make sure its rational and normal, especially anger, i have no clue when it's appropriate to be angry or not and if i deserve to be angry at all. i know there's more that i want to say, it's just so hard to put things into words let alone say them out loud.

[getwellsoondeer]

chat is it a bad sign that i nearly broke down when i saw that my stomach wasn't completely flat or concave after eating a bunch today? can't have one good thing in this bitch smh

[getwellsoondeer]

bleeding out could be pretty easy i think i could do that

[getwellsoondeer]

i want to erase every sexual thing ive ever done. i feel used but i know its not true. i aggreed to those things and i was ok with it in the moment i think but i still can't trust myself. idk why i keep forcing myself into thinking and doing things. i cant tell if im actually ok with things in the moment or if im just convincing myself to be bc thats how i should feel about it. i think i was ok every time but then why do i feel disgusting afterwards every single time. and even now it all feels like it was for nothing im no better or more recovered i still feel disgusting that i've ever done anything or been seen by anyone. i want to be able to trust myself but i can't tell if what im thinking is real anymore.

[getwellsoondeer]

im scared and i dont know what to do. i want to starve myself in hopes that i get too unhealthy to function i want it to affect my ability to function normally i want it to put me in dangerous situations whether it be health complications to not being able to drive well. maybe it would be a viable call for help that no one can ignore anymore and maybe ill be taken care of. i want to find kades gun. it plays out so perfectly in my head how fast it would be compared to the alternatives. it would be so easy if i just had the chance to look for it. ive thought about going to him with how desperate i am rn i wonder if he'd actually comfort me if i did. in the back of my head i always wish someone could hear me crying and come help me. ik that i do so. may things hoping someone will pick up on it and help me. its so fucking pathetic. but no one does shit unless they see how bad things are with their own eyes. i sit on the floor in the middle of the house sometimes wishing that someone would come out and ask if im ok. kade came out of his room when i was sitting on the floor in the hallway i got up quickly and walked away and i know he wont say anything. i don't think i could handle it if someone did find me and ask about it. i don't think im built for this. im lucky that i overheard kades conversation with my parents or else i would've never known he had one

[getwellsoondeer]

it feels like a personal failure to eat. i've felt like shit today and eating something somehow made it worse. there's a constant back n forth of feeling good that im remembering to eat, but then feeling like shit bc im wasting food and time and effort and im just prolonging things when i do

[getwellsoondeer]

need my baka brain to stop telling me to just starve as an act of passive suicidal ideation

[getwellsoondeer]

nightly reminder. i never sexually took advantage of anyone. everything has been consensual. no one is upset at me for any of it. i was never seen as someone who only wanted sex. i don't need to force myself to enjoy sexual things. i'm not seen as immature or less of a man for not particularly enjoying sexual things. it's ok for my feelings on things to change or fluctuate. i'm allowed to not be in the mood for anything. i don't need to force myself to be in the mood for anything bc "that's how i should feel rn". it's ok if i can't exactly tell how i'm feeling about something. i shouldn't expect myself to fully understand how i feel about sex, and it's ok to never be fully comfortable with the thought no matter the context. i shouldn't expect myself to suddenly become fully healed and ok with the topic. i've made enough progress so far.

[getwellsoondeer]

I shan't lie, I hate drinking with a bunch of people. I hate alcohol on its own already, that shit tastes terrible, but being in the general vicinity of people who are drunk puts me so on edge. I feel like if I were also drunk or smth it would be easier, but it's already so hard to just drink one thing most times anyway, and I feel like the added stress of other people around me doesn't help. it really just depends on the type of person, if you can handle yourself and go do your own thing, go on have fun, but a lot of people honestly scare me a bit. honestly a lot of it probably just comes from having to deal with my parents. luckily my mom doesn't drink anymore, but when she did it really wasn't that bad, if i needed her for whatever reason i'd just get laughed at and ignored like she didn't even hear a word i said. my dad's an emotional drunk, and honestly that shit pisses me off. I shouldn't have to deal with him coming into my room or interrupting whatever i'm doing so he can rant to me about how he thinks he's a horrible dad and stumble everywhere so he can give me a hug or mess with me n shit when i'm very clearly uncomfortable. I don't like holding his hand and reassuring my own dad that he's ok as he's actively crossing so many boundaries while i try to get him to leave or go to bed. sigh.

[getwellsoondeer]

ok i'm in a much better place now than i was some weeks ago, and my god it is actually insane how quickly that emotional amnesia and detachment kicks in. i don't remember much of how i felt or even just a lot of the events throughout it, and i'm trying to not be hard on myself for what i do remember bc most of it makes me feel ashamed of myself for just being very emotionally vulnerable for a while. looking back on stuff feels foreign and like it couldn't have been me, but i've been trying to like. merge the two if that makes any sense idk. i just don't know how to healthily deal with this bc i can rationally say that was definitely me and there's nothing wrong with going through emotional vulnerability, but i just don't actually feel any kind of mental connection to any of it, and i feel like i'm just putting a quick surface level patch on everything and setting myself up for it to happen all over again later. shrug emoticon

[getwellsoondeer]

this is so cringe. i was so much sexier when i was nonchalant about my mental health. I'm going back to not giving a fuck

[getwellsoondeer]

I can't tell if I've been thinking clearly or not honestly. on one hand the ego is gone, but that just leaves me with the insecure mess that was left under it all. I now feel repulsive for how I am and underwhelming as a person. there's nothing telling me I'm hot shit anymore, so now I understand why no one would reach out to talk to me, I can't just ignore that or say "their missing out" about it anymore. I genuinely have no points of interest that could redeem me, I'm not very funny, I'm not very creative or smart, and I can't hold an entertaining conversation to save my life lol. I wouldn't wanna be my friend in all honesty.

on the other hand, I've been given this weird perception that everyone is capable of thinking like I do, being nice for the sake of keeping up appearances, expressing understanding and kindness for their own gratification. and that makes me constantly question people's intentions around me. I know that the main thing to combat that is just thinking "what evidence do I have to support these thoughts?" but that's the thing, I AM my evidence, I've done all the things that I don't want people doing to me, and now I feel like I'm in this special position where I'm not blind to people being shitty. it just sucks because now I recognize and understand people not liking me, especially if it's people I've opened up to. like yeah I totally understand if you don't find me interesting and want to completely ignore me, I've done that and I told you so now you think it's fair game to do it back, that's understandable and it'd be hypocritical of me to get upset at that.

it also generally sucks being open with people. like now you know how I think, and if I try to do something nice it's gonna be inherently perceived as a selfish act. I feel like there is no avoiding the change in perception once I open up to someone, even if I'm actively trying to do better it's still seen as me doing something for my own sake, like I'm using them for my recovery or there's a motive behind it.

this whole funk I'm in has really let me come to the acceptance that yeah I am kinda fucked, and I understand why people would want to bully me or take advantage of me. I kinda am just a pushover who's a dick for no reason. if I don't kill myself I should just sell my body bc that's the only thing I think I could get value out of, that seems to be the main reason why many people were so interested in me at some point in time. god that sucks to think about.

idk how to view things about myself differently when this is how I perceive people around me already. I weigh the pros and cons of someone, and I do treat people differently based on what value I place on them, and I DO stick around people out of pity. I genuinely need someone to give me an honest reason why they stick around me. I have so many reasons why I keep certain people around and yet no one will tell me why they keep me around.

maybe it is the bullying that did this, I know they kept me around bc they felt they had to n all. I was just there out of pity and bc I happened to be friends with one guy and everyone else just had to deal with me. wish I did myself a favor and noticed sooner or some shit. or maybe if I was seen as the pretty girl of the boys friend group I would've held some value idk.

[getwellsoondeer]

chat. the only thing that's made me feel normal recently is being told i'm needed in marvel rivals bc i carry as luna snow and other supports just ain't shit. i'm gonna micro dose being good at a game to fix my issues

[getwellsoondeer]

i am taking a big fuckin leap doing this. ego death is not for the weak, i am gods strongest soldier.

i am so fucking out of it, i feel like i'm genuinely going insane. i feel so detached from every part of my mind and i don't even know what to think of myself anymore. i feel so pathetic and weak and useless, i feel like everything i've ever done or relationships i've built up aren't even mine. i feel like i can't talk with anyone, a) out of fear of vulnerability bc i have no defenses anymore, and b) bc i feel like those friends and relationships aren't mine, like a different person entirely made those connections and i can't keep up what they did. it's been like this for weeks, but i keep having moments of feeling normal again, or like i'm at least getting closer to my normal and then it all crashes again. i'm just so tired of feeling like i'm in a constant battle with myself in my own head, and on top of that having to make sure things are appearing ok outside of it.

it's like in my head there are three people. they're all me, but ik that one of them is definitely actually me, like only i can see inside and still make all the decisions for my body outside. then one is just a younger version of me, they're always there and are never really an issue, but rn i want nothing more than to sit with them and hold them. ik it's probably just an inner child/age regression thing but fuck dude so many times now i've held onto something like a bundled up blanket or a stuffed animal and pretended it was them, and it sounds fucking stupid but that's all i can do to give myself an ounce of comfort bc nothing else can reach them rn.

the last one has just been a struggle honestly, ik it's not malicious or anything but i hate that it won't let me help myself out. it constantly has my arms bound behind my back and a hand over my mouth and i physically can't say the things i need to say. i'm screaming everything in my own head but i just can't say it out loud or express it in any form, i'm stuck shaking and pleading out to nothing for it to just let me ask for help or anything from anyone. apologies to anyone who saw me, a bear foot guy, shambling down the street at 2am sobbing and talking to myself. i was not in it to win it

hoping this ends soon teehee. everything talking about ego death says to just thug that shit out, so yippie!

[getwellsoondeer]

hugs and just close physical affection in general has always been weird to me and i never really understood why or even really liked to think about it bc a lot if times what came to my head made me super uncomfortable. i just wish not really liking hugs wasn't some big deal to a lot of people bc i've always been and still am teased about it all the time and i hate knowing that i really do enjoy physical affection but it feels so ruined for me. like i wish i could enjoy it normally and see it as not a big deal but for me it comes with so much trust to be able to engage in it without forcing myself or pretending that it's nice. i wish it wasn't so instilled in me that it often feels like i'm being used for someone else's comfort like when my dad hugs me it's 90% of the time followed by "i know you don't like it but i'm your dad so i get to hug you whenever i want" word for word or some variation of that.

the worst part is probably also when my mind assumes the worst and makes me think that hugs are some secret sexual act and i can't protect parts of my body when im that close to someone. ever since i was young without fail i will try to keep my arms to my side and hunch in a little to make sure whoever is hugging me can't get their body close to my chest or my waist. and i fucking hate thinking that every single time especially with family it's just so exhausting. and i wish i could just be allowed to express my disliking without being judged bc even if i explained why i'd probably still be called crazy and told to just get over it.

[getwellsoondeer]

genuinely why the fuck would he do that??? do you seriously have zero awareness or respect? especially if it's someone you claim to care about so much. i can't believe it took you so long to realizes what you were doing was wrong. idek if you even processed it as wrong at the time with the way you laughed about it after and that really pisses me off. it honestly fucking disgusts me how no part of your brain told you that what you were doing and trying to get out of me was fucking abhorrent. if there was no prior conversation about ANYTHING then why the hell are you holding me down and telling me to just do it while i'm physically trying to fight you off?!?! would i have had to actually start screaming and crying for you to back off? how are you so dense?? never fucking date bc i bet you'd still ask what you did wrong

[getwellsoondeer]

day one and i'm already fucking crumbling bro this is my mom's training arc to learn to help me through this istg