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Pictures of You - The Cure

Before this I considered a year to be a very long time. Then it dawns on me that it has been eight years since we first met. I haven't truly given you, or everything that has happened between us much thought in a very long time. Maybe once in a while, you cross my mind, but every time it does, I feel deep remorse. I tell my friends how much I've wronged you and they console me by saying, "You were young, Nia. You did what you knew with what you can at that time", and while they're not wrong, I give it a lot of thought. Imagine how my life may have turned out differently if I had resisted the temptation to act naively and make choices that will bring me sorrow for the rest of my life. And I admit a huge part of me never really told you what I feel because I can't find the right words but recently I came across this letter on the internet that I think perfectly captures how I feel about you, while the original author wrote it about their grief, I'll rewrite it for you. My greatest sorrow in this lifetime.

I thought about you all the time, even though I've lived longer now without you than with you. Even though I can't remember your laugh or the way you held my hand. These days you're no longer a face to me, just a blurry picture that I carry in the pocket of my heart. I remember everything and nothing at all; I don't remember your voice, I don't remember the last time we spoke or what your favourite song was, I don't even know if you knew mine. But, I remember what you taught me very well; that there is never enough time and I will always wish I had spent more of mine with you, that every year I grow older more people become memories, even the ones that still speak, I forget their voice too. And I remember you taught me very well that no one can live without grief they carry in the pocket of their heart. You taught me that grief lives in the heart because it is just the price of having one. And now? I have to miss you until I am a memory in someone else's.

You live so deep inside my memory and I can never forget how sweet you were to me, how much you've changed my life and saved me from my family. My life wouldn't have progressed this much without you and I hope the universe repays your kindness to me with so much joy and blessings in this world. Please forgive me.

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2024

Hello. It's quite a big gap since my last entry, to be fair I only write when my thoughts get too heavy. That is to say, when I'm depressed, I write the most. And over the past six months, or so, I suppose I can say that I've been the happiest I've been in a long time, and the happiness I found helped me narrate most of my writings in my head. A lot of things were going well for me. I met a lot of new people and surrounded myself with wonderful people who are nice and considerate of me and my well-being. I have also become physically strong and active with cheerleading, a sport I've recently dedicated my life to

But then there are still remnants of sadness that I experienced, which I might or might not have overcome, like losing my cherished home. A place I had lived before relocating to a new residence that didn't feel quite right (at first). Don't get me wrong, this is also home, after all, and I feel secure here. However, Anggun held a special place in my heart that no other place can match, and I find myself grieving about it frequently. That house helped me grow so much. I spent a lot of time alone myself in that lovely house in the year that I came to terms with who I was. Letting go of it felt like losing a huge portion of who I am and my growth. But regardless I'm happy that I've relocated to a home that provides safety and shelter in a similar manner. Anggun just has my best interest; my life then has been filled with so many significant events and pivotal moments that I believe have greatly influenced who I am now.

The spirals, though. Even though my mental health has significantly improved, I still battle with depressive episodes, so just because I'm happy doesn't imply my diagnosis has changed. Particularly when there are triggers like a family conflict or a betrayal by someone close to me. I do know that pain is a necessary part of life; no matter where we are in life, there will always be highs and lows. But going through it makes a difference. You progressively gain resilience and strength. Accepting what is inevitable is the best approach to find peace with life. Losses are unavoidable.

I believe that wanting more than you now have is a natural human emotion. it is who we are by nature, and it is how we were created. Once your current objectives are met, you feel compelled to pursue new endeavours and obtain more, particularly in this day of innovation and trends. Though I'm not quite where I want to be in life yet, I'd like to think that I'm happy. And since time flies and I'm already 25 this year, that concept terrifies me frequently. While there is undoubtedly enough of room and space to enjoy the present, we cannot completely ignore the importance of the future. For better things and a happier state of mind. I'm doing extremely well, but I'm still kind of stuck finishing the last year of my PR and marketing degree. I have now achieved first class honours three times in a row, and my cumulative GPA has been 3.70 or higher out of a 4.00 flat. I find studying to be genuinely enjoyable. I love what I learn. All that I've learned will help me in the future, and I always hope that my future will be all I've always imagined it will be since I was a young child. After everything I've been through, I owe that to myself.

But god, life is not easy. It's true what they say, the older you become, the more you want to be younger. There is just so much suffering, heartache, and loss to cope with, and the burden of responsibilities grows. The injustices from the past…. and the need to heal

Well I consider that to be history and have long since laid it to rest. I am happy. Every time I see my friends or go to cheerleading training, my heart is bursting with happiness. I love cheerleading so much. We truly are awesome. A group of exceptionally talented individuals on the blue mat. I love them. I love the feeling. I enjoy spinning and twisting in the air. I feel so healthy and fit. Being physically challenged is what I love now. The endurance is something I adore! Everything about it is wonderful. To be the greatest cheerleader I can be is my goal. Greater body mobility and more advanced stunts.

Going back to these episodes I've been having, they are really bothersome. Sometimes I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of experiencing the lowest points I occasionally hit when I spiral down.

This year, I'm hoping to be able to get rid of it. Surely not entirely, but less frequently perhaps. It has to stop somehow.

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Until it’s gone

As humans we tend to lose sight of what’s truly valuable to us until it’s gone. More often than not the realisation hits when it’s too late, that’s just human nature. Quite a few are fortunate enough to appreciate what they have while it’s there, it’s all about awareness and living in the present moment.

Spiritually, when you are grateful, the universe will give you more and more. 

That’s why it’s important to sit down, do a reality check and count your blessings everyday- even a person’s presence in your life is actually a gift 

My advice is wake up everyday and thank your partner for simply being there. Imperfection doesn’t kill love, love only dies when effort is absent.

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note #2

Life takes you to greater places,

Only if you let it.

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note #1

I’m so happy that this life is temporary, I could never do this forever. I could never carry my childhood grief the way I already do forever

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To my lover

I wanna run into the valley of bliss and chase sunsets with you my darling. Promise I’ll hold your love when I have you

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In another universe, my parents still love each other. my mom packs me lunch for school everyday and my dad is still helping me with my homework

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In another life, I would've relaxed and enjoyed my childhood

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in another universe someone sees the ugliest parts of me and still loves me enough to kiss my eyes when I cry

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“There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be."—Leon Bloy

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In another universe I wouldn’t have met you and my life would move on.

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In another universe I am hugging my 10 years old self. I tell her: “everything will be okay and you will figure it all out”. She has no idea what she will go through.

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“Sometimes when we’re angry we say things we never meant to say, those words are enough to break a heart and injure a soul. Once said, those words cannot be taken back- so think before you speak and when angry, keep silent.. Your silence may hurt the ones you love but your nasty words can break them and damage them beyond repair” -Neena Gupta

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The resentment, anger, and pain I genuinely feel for you could not be sealed, not even by the strongest, most vicious, infuriating hate. The desire to never have met you is the worst sorrow of all

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in another universe, my childhood memories are sweets and cotton candy; i won’t be so good at running away; i can face the world bare and brave. in another universe, i wouldn’t have bloomed in all the wrong ways. 

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in another universe, nobody hurt the little girl i once was. i am safe, i am loved, i am smiling

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High Value Women

Set your boundaries and find people that respect it. People who actually care about your feelings and your relationship with them would consider your feelings before they take certain actions towards you. 

High valued women do not tolerate disrespect, the bare minimum, the half ass energy and the unnecessary drama. Come correct or don’t come at all. A high value woman has healed and worked very hard on herself just to invite people in.. it has to be earned.

Do not worry; when a woman operates from a place of self worth, high vibration, and strong boundaries she attracts men who are also operating from a similar place of emotional maturity, self-awareness and respect.

Life becomes more peaceful when you decide you no longer have the energy to argue and over-explain yourself because you know that people only understand from their level of perception and no argument is worth damaging your mental health 

Sometimes you just have to let people play themselves right out of your life.