gho5tg1rl-blog
BadHabits
!TRIGGERWARNING!This is an personal blog about myfucked up mind. I will post here mainly about my binging cycles, restricting cycles and body checks. I will also post about other topics like cutting, suicidal thoughts, social anxiety and isolation. ———I don’t promote or romanticize any mental illness and self harming behaviors in any way. Please stay safe, it’s never too late or too early to seek help. Getting help isn’t the same thing as loosing or being weak.
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Smh I feel like ghosting everybody for the rest of my vacation and just come back afterwards like nothing happened
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Facts
Yeah losing 20 pounds probably won’t fix all my problems, but you know what else won’t fix them? Staying fat
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Think about this:
“When fat is lost, it is mostly exhaled as carbon dioxide (84%), with the remainder (16%) being excreted as water.”
When you workout, you’re literally breathing out and sweating out fat. Then imagine after that hard workout, you get into the shower and wash that nasty fat off of your body. Encouraging? I’d hope so.
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Hope I die*
do you ever just ‘there’s probably something medically wrong with me but i’m just gonna ignore it and hope i don’t die’?
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“Because in 2 minutes, The junk food will be gone, The taste will be over, And all that will be left, Is the feeling of regret, Just. Like. Last. Time.”
— C'est moi (via angelsrlife)
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I binged today..
I later on finished the Hershey’s bar, 2 Brezeln (idn what their called in english sry) the potato rings, the ice cream, the brownies and the matcha cherry tea. I had one ( the two top halfs) of the bread and a peanut butter sandwich. I eate almost nothing of the granola idn how much cal this binge had but I think it’s about 3500cal and it’s only 4pm. The most items are pretty high in cal. I did it get a pic of everything I had though, sry. I will fast for the rest of the day.. i’m so bady bloated and feel so disgusting. The urge to purge is there too, something is preventing me from it. Idn what, normally I wouldn’t care and just do it. Sry I’m probably just weird and too lazy to get up.
Starting tomorrow I will have the whole week 800cal per day and one 24h fast, the week after i will lover it to 750 and will repeat that every week till I reach 500. Then I will maintain with 500 every day, except i higther the cals to 700 once a week and a 48h fast(instead of the 24h one).
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I hate it when you know you’re fat, but then you see a picture of yourself and it’s like
oh
I’m that fat
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8. Weight is a symptom, the disorder is what goes on in ur head
Things I wish people understood about eating disorders:
1. Most people with eating disorders don’t literally starve themselves, they restrict. Just because you see us eating doesn’t mean we’re getting better.
2. The horrible, absolutely torturous feeling we get after we eat. No matter what it is, how many Calories… it’s always there.
3. You. Don’t. Have. To. Be. Thin. To. Have. An. Eating. Disorder. God someone needs to scream this one from the top of a building.
4. It’s life consuming. Food is always on my mind.
What I’ll eat next, when I’ll eat next, how I’ll burn it off
5. I can’t just ‘snap out of it’ and I can’t ‘just eat’
These are two of the worst things you can say.
6. I understand what my disorder is doing to me mentally and physically, believe me I do.
♡
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Almost done with my fast, I only had a tea besides water today. I will keep the fast till the party and try not to binge after it
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I’m braking my 72h fast with a 197cal meal, I planed to do another workout at the gym later so i had an excuse to skip lunch. But since I only consumed 205cal in the last 3 days And feel like I’m going to faint if I fast for another 48h. It would be fine if I wouldn’t work out though, but I use the way back from the gym as an excuse that I already ate or will eat later. After this meal I will continue with the 48h of the fast that I had left.
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“Because in 2 minutes, The junk food will be gone, The taste will be over, And all that will be left, Is the feeling of regret, Just. Like. Last. Time.”
— C'est moi (via angelsrlife)
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Today’s food log
As i already mentioned, I had a coffe for breakfast and soup for lunch. I didn’t intended to but I hit directly my cal goal of the day. I’m now 6h into the 72h fast. I didn’t work out today, tomorrow I will do the workouts i planed on doing today.
I’m doing ok, I guess. My head is killing me but besides that and my chronic feeling of numbness I’m good? Idn, i can’t tell anymore if I’m in a good or bad mood. I almost didn’t had any anxiety issues today but my cutting pressure is getting worse. I’m clean for almost a month now and I don’t want to ruin it again.
I haven’t talked to my parents about the anxiety medication yet and I am not sure if I can. I really don’t know why I’m so terrified of doing that but I am. I am considering just telling my therapist that I personally don’t really want to take meds since I’m underage. Idn what to do anymore.
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