ghostgrl112-blog - Tumblr blog

[ghostgrl112-blog]

i don’t know where to start. i feel numb. i dont want to blame anyone but myself for what has happened. my life has taken a turn in which i never saw it going in. i don’t see things getting better from here like i used to. it all started going downhill after graduation in 2018. I just got out of a breakup with someone I still loved and cared for. a constant struggle to find a purpose. yet i still got out of bed and i managed to meet people that made me forget and gave me good memories. my relationship with my ex was okay on a friendship level but romantically it was all over the place and confusing it started to make me question my worth. my house sold in June 2019. i was promised to have a home with my mom. i’ve never lived with her since my parents divorce and that’s all i wanted. i stayed with my ex in the meantime thinking it would only be a few weeks. they welcomed me with open arms and love. my ex and i became closer and grew a better bond, which i am thankful for. i struggled to find places for my two cats. they went from home to home and eventually my second cat JiJi stayed with me. Months go by and still no house. I started to fall into a deep depression. I stopped going out. I lost my own self identity. I tried to go out but I didn’t feel the same unless I took my xanax and it brought me out of my shell. I tried and tried to help find a place for my mom and I, but nothing would work. Everyone was pushing me to make change but there was not much I could do or go to. I lost my everyday job at my doggy daycare because of my depression. It was hard to get out of bed. They offered for me to do house sitting for them but every offer they gave me I already had a house sitting gig planned. I feel like I completely ruined it. I got kicked out by October 2019 to live in my moms one bedroom apartment with my cat, where my mom and her boyfriend, and our dog lived. Instantly things went downhill. Her boyfriend left bruises on me and my mom, and hurt my cat in the process. I’m traumatized still. No back up plans, I went back to the home I was kicked out of trying to think of other options. Nothing seemed to be working. There’s a constant “Chloé you can’t be here. Chloé has your mom found a place? Chloé you ruined this person” Not feeling welcome anymore, only having a pair of slides and one shirt and leggings during the cold. i never imagined it would be like this. There we’re nights I considered sleeping in my car or just taking my own life. I hadnt been this depressed in a long time. Friends backstabbing me, friends getting tired of the fact I was no longer reliable like I used to be, the person Ive loved and cared for for years doesnt seem to want me or appreciate my existence like they used to. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel there is nothing for me on this earth anymore. The pain I feel is extremely unbearable. It’s hard to eat, sleep, drink water even. I don’t want to call anyone out I just wanted my life to be better but I don’t see it changing. I love everyone who has stuck by my side and has helped me when I was down and when I had no where to go at the last minute. I love my mom who has always tried her best no matter the situation. I love my dad and my new step family for being supportive regardless of being far away. I love my sister who was always welcome to help me whenever I need it and being the best sister I could ask for. I love everyone so much. Im tired of acting like Im okay when Im not just for the sake of others. I can’t help but feel like there’s nothing left of me and nothing for me to do here. I feel like my time is up. i’m sorry. clo