ghostxxkitty - Tumblr blog

[ghostxxkitty]

[ghostxxkitty]

Sputnik Sweetheart, Haruki Murakami

[ghostxxkitty]

I am having a rough one.

It just feels like my life is stuck on pause. Its felt like that for a while. And I mean that sucked in its own right, but now to really just top off the fucking cake I have feelings of guilt and jealousy.

I am insufferably jealous of everyone around me. The people in my life. They just keep moving forward, whether it be small or large. Partner has a great job, making great money. My friends are all doing great, going to school, getting new jobs, moving out, getting tattoos and things they want. My family... My mother has been gone for more than half a year, galavanting off with her boyfriend in another country. Abandoning her responsibilities to me. My brother just left for another city for at least a month.

Everyone is moving on, and going places, and doing things. And I am stuck in the same fucking place, in the same situation as I was a year ago. Even before that... Almost 4 years in the same job, in the same house, doing the same thing over and over and over.

I am jealous. Excruciatingly jealous. And that makes me feel awful. Makes me feel like a bad friend, bad daughter, sister, girlfriend. Bad person. Cause Im supposed to be happy for these people. Im supposed to celebrate their successes with them. But instead, I put on a face.

Outwardly I am happy. But I am so, so jealous. And in pain. And stuck. And I am sick and tired of doing the same thing, stuck in the same place... Not going anywhere.

And not for lack of trying. I am trying. But in this instance I have to rely on another person and I am fed up and over how fucking long it is taking to get the help so I am trying my best within my limitations. And its just not enough.

I am over this. I am done.

I am tired.

I am stuck.

[ghostxxkitty]

[ghostxxkitty]

[ghostxxkitty]

[ghostxxkitty]

the trauma moods

i wonder why my life is in shambles that's weird

i'm going to redesign my room and paint a portrait and binge watch six shows and dye my hair and start a makeup brand and write a novel and read poetry and clean my whole house and

i Can't Get Out Of Bed

uh oh sisters! *showers with the lights off*

cries in the car and almost crashes accidentally

tv static noises

*wakes up* [redacted] *goes to sleep*

i haven't slept in 72 hours and i'm talking a lot about ophelia and reciting hamlet's soliloquies and everyone around me is worried

trying to sleep but there's Something In My Room

*texts abuser(s)* oh this is a fantastic idea

i'm horny and angry about it

i'm horny and sad about it

masturbates and then cries

If You Touch Me I Will Kill You

*thinks about trauma* oh that sucks for whoever that was

oh, wait, that actually happened?????

Shame

i'm going to starve myself until i'm so small no one will want me

i'm going to overeat until i'm so big no one will want me

*throws up for unknown reason*

talk about trauma, but make it funny

I CAN'T DO SOMETHING REALLY SIMPLE AND INSTEAD OF WORKING THROUGH IT I'M GONNA YELL AND HURT MYSELF UNTIL I GET TIRED

i have forgotten every single coping skill i've ever learned

hnnnnnnng

*listens to music from That Time and gets weirdly nostalgic*

i Want To Be Abused

i will never love again! ever!

confuses platonic and romantic emotions because anything that feels Good is confusing

[ghostxxkitty]

Praying for 100 tomorrow

[ghostxxkitty]

deadly love ^__-

[ghostxxkitty]

[ghostxxkitty]

https://www.instagram.com/p/CI–ZNngZ1E/

[ghostxxkitty]

👁痛いなぁ👁

[ghostxxkitty]

[ghostxxkitty]

[ghostxxkitty]

[ghostxxkitty]

((idk when I originally wrote this, its been in my drafts and i have literally no recollection of writing this but 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ time to post I guess))

I dont know grey. I know black, and I know white. Everything or nothing, all in or completely out.

I always take it a little too far, take it to the darkest shade I can get.

A little too sweet, too much, too happy, too loving.

Extremes are just how I feel, how I think, how I perceive the world.

Its both wonderful, a blessing to feel so deeply. But its also my own layer of hell.

Love can turn to obsessive if left unchecked.

Happiness can turn to mania, sleepless nights, feeling like you can conquer the world.

Swing down, grief stabs like a dagger.

Why bother living when all I feel is pain?

Bones heavy as lead, apathy and guilt claw at your chest.

Escape.

Have some fun, relax. Try this.

Smoke and snort you worries away, an oasis in the barren desert.

Indulge.

Turns to binge. You go a little too deep.

Cold house, familiar faces. But you're alone.

White, a cloud of blue smoke. How did you get here?

Faster, escape, run farther.

Your turn. Glass, shattered. Smoke.

You stop running.

Clear. Everythings clear.

Understand, process. Reality settles back in.

Table, people, mistakes. Why did I do this to myself

[ghostxxkitty]