gigabyte-goblin

[gigabyte-goblin]

mon, jun 7, 2021 6:26 pm

i was way too in my head, i just needed to ground myself, i was freaking out over things that were fine. i don’t think writing every thought i have is good or necessary. no wonder i was feeling so weird, i was overanalyzing every single emotion. from now on, shorter posts, and more focused on reality than on my every single thought. it makes sense now that i think about it. and maybe sometimes it is good to get into your head, and to just focus on thoughts and emotions and stuff, but right now, i clearly am not in the space to do that. writing down every thought and feeling gives them too much weight, and i guess you can only carry so much. i realized earlier that writing down everything in my brain was kinda like the opposite of meditation. my thought was, maybe that’s a good thing, a little of both practices. i think i know better know. this is embarrasing, but whatever. you gotta try things to figure them out sometimes. thoughtfullness is important.

[gigabyte-goblin]

mon, jun 7, 2021, 5:57 pm

ok, so i decided that to both include the time i wrote a post and also to avoid having too many “part x” type things in the titles, i’ll just put the time in the title. again, i know it really doesn’t matter since nobody is really meant to see this but me, but i like to be organized. well, when it comes to things like this anyway, i am not an organized person in general, but i guess it feels good to feel in control of things sometimes. maybe that’s the appeal of organization. well, i’m not about to start folding my clothes or cleaning my room anytime soon, it doesn’t feel THAT good. I just went on a walk. it was nice i guess, i only went around the block so it was super short, but i guess the fresh air was probably good for me. i played pokemon go pretty much the entire time, i’m a bit too depressed to let myself experience the world without a buffer like that at the moment. 

when i was walking i kept thinking about what to next post here, which was annoying, i don’t want this to become something i do all the time, it was meant just to be like a diary, not a walkthrough of every second of my day. maybe i shouldn’t write so much. but i don’t want to stop writing, it’s a distraction from life, and that’s nice. I don’t have to think about the world, i just get to put down my thoughts on a screen. just realizing this sounds like what i said about “ignoring the outside world in favor of writing all your thoughts” in the last post, maybe i really am going insane. 

i’m just kidding about that of course, but maybe this really isn’t healthy? but it lets me put down my thoughts so that when i read them, i understand them? no, that doesn’t make sense, i guess i meant, it helps me spend more time on each thought, so that instead of immediately moving on to the next one, i actually think the whole thought? I can’t help but be annoyed at my brain for thinking about writing stuff down when i was just trying to take a walk, i wanted this to help me vent and stuff, not for writing about myself to become a hobby, i don’t want this to seep into my life i just wanted a space to express my feelings without having to worry about anyone i know finding it. so if i cant do normal things without thinking “oh i’m going to write about this later” or narrating things in my head the way i would write them, i’m gonna have to stop this. 

i think that’s enough writing for today.. i’m not feeling like doing my math homework. well, actually, as soon as i wrote that, a wave of motivation hit me and then left while i wrote this, just like i talked about in my last post. wtf, why is it that when i say “i’m not gonna do the thing” that i have motivation to do it but when i change my mind and decide to do the thing, all that motivation goes away?!! that sucks! well, i either will or won’t go do my math homework now.

 (6:16 pm)

[gigabyte-goblin]

mon, jun 7, 2021, pt 2

ok i’ve decided that multiple posts a day is fine. i spent way too long looking for a header image for this blog and i’m not sure why, since i don’t intend for anyone but me to see it. i guess i just wanted it to be nice anyway. i ended up just choosing a plain mint green. before i did that i chose a profile picture, it’s just a random meme i have that makes me laugh, and idk why but it feels relatable. in case i change it in the future, it’s that girl from neon genesis evangelion and it says “it’s wednesday, or as i like to call it: thursday” idk why it feels relatable it just does. anyway enough about memes. it’s 5:05 now and I finished my english homework but idk, i’m feeling down now. not sure why, maybe because of the homework, maybe because i wasted a long time looking for an image for a blog no one will see. i was actually feeling pretty good after my first post, maybe because it felt good to post, or maybe something else. either way that feeling went away sometime between then and now. (i posted it at around 3:50, i think) (should i include timestamps on these? i think that would be interesting but i’m not sure whether to put the time i started writing the post or the time i finished it, cause i spent like about 15 min on the last one just putting down everything that my brain said. well, most of what my brain said) 

actually, writing this is making me feel a bit better again i think. i was honestly planning to probably procrastinate my math homework until tommorrow morning (it’s due when i have class, which is at 2:30) but i’m feeling a bit more capable of doing it now. i guess this really does help. i mean, i still don’t WANT to do my homework, but i’m feeling less down. maybe if i listen to music it will be bearable. either way i should do it soon because my concerta is starting to wear off, and the more it wears off, the more frustrating and unproductive homework is. woah, in the middle of writing that sentece i started dissociating or whatever, i’m not sure if that’s the right term. it’s been a while since this happened. it used to happen a lot. at the moment it’s kinda coming back and then going away and then coming back. i feel kinda sick. i should probably eat something.. all i ate today were two protein bars. ugh, if that’s how i’m eating i’m never gonna gain weight. why is it so hard for me to gain weight anyway? i’ve never been anorexic or anything, i just rarely get hungry because of my meds, which makes it really hard to eat. i love the days when i don’t have to take my concerta and i can enjoy food. those days i do tend to be hungry all day even when i eat meals, so i have a lot of snacks too. i guess not having to constantly get up to snack is kinda convenient, but i still hate the side effects of concerta. 

writing this feels good, but i should really do my math homework. i’m dreading it now though.. this feels safe, i just put whatever comes into my brain, onto the keyboard, no focus required, if my brain wanders, it comes back beacause i’m still typing the thought, i don’t have time to move to another one. well maybe that’s why this is easier than homework, idk. it feels good to just put whatever down, without sticking to a topic at all, it feels freeing. i thought i hated writing, maybe i just hate writing things when they’re meant to be coherent. writing this is fun, if i wanted to start talking about pokemon right after talking about my medication, i could! and no one could tell me not to, it’s my blog post and there are no expectations. i guess that’s how it’s different from like, creative writing, even though you can write about whatever you want, there’s still expectations, like a narrative and for things to make sense. this is great. no rules, no expectations for it to be entertaining or interesting, just putting down whatever i want. i could do this all day. but i think that’s what crazy people do. crazy people write pages and pages of rambling and incoherent thoughts. will i go crazy if i keep writing paragraph upon paragraph of whatever pops into my head? or is this just like a diary? is there a difference between a diary and the ramblings of someone insane? is the difference that one is written by an insane person? if so i guess the writing is not the cause of the insanity, so i’m probably safe. not that writing alone can cause insanity, but things like ignoring the outside world in favor of writing everything you feel like probably could. i mean, most unhealthy behavior could probably cause insanity if done for long enough. is this unhealthy? spending a long time writing down everything i feel like without rhyme or reason? IS this any different than a diary? i have no idea. ok this is creeping me out now.

i really should exrecise more often, i used to get a good amount, with walking home from the train station every day, as well as walking whenever i went anywhere with friends, but now i literally just sit on my ass all day. my ass is literally numb atm. ok i’m feeling a bit more motivated now, i think i’ll start on my math homework. as soon as i was nearly halfway through that sentence my motivation dropped again... idk wtf is up with me, is it normal for feelings to change within seconds and then go back again? i had like, 3 seconds of motivation and then it left. it just came back, and then promptly left again, i feel like emotions are the ocean waves right now (not trying to sound poetic just can’t think of another way to put it) like, for a few seconds i felt good, then it left, then came back, what’s up with this? my feelings aren’t usually this fickle. maybe it’s just that i’m hyper aware of them right now since i’m writing it down in real time. that’s probably it. anyway, gonna get up and stretch, but i don’t think this will be my last post for today.

[gigabyte-goblin]

mon, jun 7, 2021

gonna start a blog that’s basically just a diary, so i can put my feeling into words without paper or having a fat document. i hope no one reads it but i also don’t really care if they do. anyway, whatever. so it’s 3:39 right now and so far after japanese class i spent most of the morning and afternoon watching youtube instead of doing my work as usual. unlike most days, i actually started on my work before 6pm and am mostly done with my english homework. the class just started so it’s just a questionare about me and about my experiences in english classes before and stuff. usually english homework is the bane of my existence but this isn’t so bad. actually, i just realized this is the first time in a long while that i haven’t put off english homework til the absolute last minute. it was assigned on thursday (it’s monday now) and is due tommorrow and i’ve already started on it. usually i start english homework an hour or less before i have to go to the class... so maybe i’m making progress. anyway, the reason i hate english homework so much is because i hate writing, which i know is ironic since i’m doing this blog. but the reason i’m doing this is to hopefully get more used to writing. that sounds like i’m trying to better myself, but that’s not really the case, it probably should be because of that, but i’m a depressed piece of shit and so far any attempt to change that for more than maybe a week, has been in vain. i mostly just needed somewhere to vent my feelings since it’s been over a year since i’ve really talked to my friends. well, i’d been having trouble being social for a bit longer than that, but i think that’s a story for another time. 

I wonder if doing this will get me back into using tumblr? i mean, i’m not gonna be posting anything other than these stupid self rambling posts here, and i’m not gonna share this blog with anyone, since that would ruin the privacy. I guess it’s not really “private” if anyone can read it, but it is anonymous, so it’s all the same to me. plus it’s not like anyone is gonna really read this (i know saying that is probably a jinx, but whatever) maybe the fun is the fact that technically anyone could read this, yet it will likely stay buried under countless other blogs that are interesting and actually aimed at making good content rather than just being a vent space. 

After finishing the last few questions on my english, i should do my math homework, but in the past i’ve also left it to do the day it’s due, i really shouldn’t do that, but sometimes it feels like i’m barely in control of whether or not i get started on something, but also i might just be lazy. i’m really not sure which it is and that’s frustrating, though i feel it’s probably the latter. i have at least three days worth of math to do so it’s a really bad idea to save it for tommorow. i’ve just decided i’m going to finish it all tonight, or at LEAST get started and do most of it, after i finish the english. maybe the fact that i’ve written that i will do it here will force me to do it. maybe not, that kind of stuff doesn’t always work on me because i know that no matter who the promise is to, if i promise to do my work and then don’t, the only person really harmed is me. maybe it’s dissapointing to other people when i try to make promises to keep myself accountable, but also i doubt they will even remember. I guess i sound like i’m wallowing in self pity and like i’m saying no one cares about me, that’s not what i mean. i know there are people who care about me, and i’m lucky for that. I’m just saying that the only one i’m letting down and disapointing when i don’t do what i should, is myself. I always worry about letting other people down, but if not wanting to let myself down will get me to do my work, maybe i should care more about that. i realize this is all probably incoherent ramblings, and so that’s one of the reasons i’m not worried about other people reading it. it’s not interesting enough to hold anyones attention, so even in the event that this blog is found, they probably won’t stay. (i’m not sure how tumblr works on that front, can people find my blog if they don’t know my username and i don’t use tags or reblog/comment?)  

that’s it for now, might post later today (not sure if i want to do multiple posts a day or if that will clutter the blog) or if not i will post again tommorrow. well, i plan on doing that, i might forget and not post for another few weeks, or i may abandon this blog altogether with this being the sole post. i don’t plan on that though, i actually enjoyed putting down my thougts exactly as they came into my head, and i think it was helpful, i want to keep doing it.